《The Princess's Feathers》103. A Salve for Guilt
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The stares of sickened Kin weigh heavy as Enyll and I strut into Nakino’s den with the lichen-covered log dangling from our jaws. Waking side-by-side, we gingerly navigate through the crowded room, ensuring our gaze doesn’t stray to the far corner where Kuro’s sister is nursing a shattered wing.
‘Don’t tell Frida what happened,’ I ordered Enyll before picking up the log.
‘Right,’ he nodded. ‘Just walk past the first room. Don’t even look at her.’
Frida needs to heal, not worry about Kuro and her petty campaign for revenge. She probably won’t even find Relmoon today! It’s going to start snowing soon, and she won’t be able to find him from the sky! Likewise, I don’t want to break the news that things are over between me and her. I can accept certain things from Kuro, but physically attacking me was a step too far!
…As you can tell, I’m still fuming about her. For now, I need to set Kuro aside and worry the true reason I flew to the Grandfather Tree: treating the flock of the deadly illness. But as we arrive at the back of the den where the passage to the main room is located, a problem emerges. I completely forgot the passage is only wide enough for one Kin to pass at a time. We’ve been carrying the log side-by-side with our jaws on opposing ends. Both of us can’t fit.
Frustrated, I drop my head to spit out the log and nearly drag Enyll down with me. He glares at me and asks with a tinge of annoyance, “What should we—“
“Just push it through,” I grumble.
Enyll opens his muzzle to object before quickly clamping it. It seems he’s unwilling to argue with me today. A wise decision. He uses his head to push the log around so it’s pointing into the passageway, then rests his talon on the back to shove it through. He grunts as he struggles to gain traction against the worn-down root of the tree but is soon able to overcome friction and muscle the log into the next room. Once Enyll’s made it through, I follow his tail and slip into the passageway.
A breathless gasp escapes me as I step into the dim main room of Nakino’s den. Sick Kin litter the floor like seeds packed in an ovary, almost every inch of space used to house a Dragon moaning in pain. The last time I was here, we used this room to triage the very sickest of Kin. Is this truly how much the illness has progressed? By the Goddess, this is terrible!
I step around the log and join Enyll at a patch of empty root. His copper wings are shaking, and his face is unnerved.
“Asha,” he asks in an unsteady voice. “Tell me what I can do to help.”
I gaze around the room, taking a visual assessment of the scene before me. An unfamiliar, granite-plumaged drakaina is pacing about the room and speaking with the Kin on the floor. Nakino must have recruited her to help, as there’s no possible way he can take care of everyone by himself. Right now, it seems her task is to give Kin words of encouragement. That’s a worthy use of her time, but these Dragons need painkillers and hydration.
“The sick need to ingest something called dourwart,” I say. “I sense Nakino in the stock room; he can tell you where to locate it. Tell the sick to chew on the stems for two flaps and then spit it out. Once you finish that, melt some snow and give everyone a drink.”
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As I was talking, Enyll seemed oddly pleased that I was assigning him work. He furrows his brow in determination, nods, and then turns on his talons to head to the stock room.
I draw a deep breath and ruffle slightly. A part of me has dreaded returning here since my last encounter with Nakino. He cornered me in a den at Flat Rock, pressured me to become his mate, and wouldn’t accept ‘no’ for an answer. When he finds out I’ve returned to the Grandfather Tree, he’s going to have a heart attack. We’re surrounded by Kin, so I don’t think he’ll try anything stupid, but…
Whenever my brain reminds me about Nakino, the memories are never from Couple’s Night. Those beautiful iridescent plants, the view of the Prophets shimmering through the trees, my first kiss… none of those things come to mind. Instead, it’s always the same sordid scene: Nakino is hovering above me with anger in voice, a heartbeat away from the moment I lashed out against him. Even now, I can stop seeing the fury in his eyes. Why can’t I remember anything else?
What am I going to do…?
For now, I guess I just have to keep working. I returned to his den for a reason, and it wasn’t to make amends. Slowly, I turn around and navigate my way back to the log sitting near the entrance. No matter what happens next, I’m going to need the lichen. Portions of it blew off during the flight here, but most of it was preserved by a layer of ice (which is now melting into a puddle on the floor.) Slowly, I rake a foretalon against the bark, gathering a small sample of lichen against the flat side of my index claw.
“Asha…? Asha!!”
Nakino’s voice invades my concentration, causing my talon to slip ever so slightly. I gasp, watching helplessly as invaluable spores drift to the floor and are lost forever in a puddle of cold water. A rumble rises in my chest as I see Nakino standing at the entrance of the stock room, the feathers of his crest perked in shock. Just beyond his left wing is a penitent Enyll, gazing helplessly as Nakino reels. Every Kin in the room is watching our exchange with curious eyes.
I stifle a snarl and march forward on three talons. “Nakino, don’t say a word.”
“Asha, what are you doing here?!” he exits the stock room, and his gaze flows past me. “Wait, what’s… a log?!”
I ignore the dumbfounded healer and stride past him, crossing the den to one of the skylights. Some time ago, a snow drift fell into the den, providing me with a freshwater source for the elixir. I take a bite of snow, then return to one of the hollowed-out depressions in the floor where ingredients are combined. Smoke vents from my nostrils as I release the melted water into the basin and carefully scrape the lichen from my claw, noting its location at the water’s edge. After a quick, wordless trip to the store room, I now possess all the ingredients to make the Sofl’s elixir.
Nakino approaches with his tail between his legs. “Asha, what are you doing?”
“Watch,” I say simply.
One part, yarrow. Two parts fireweed. One part, axsage. A pinch of the Devil’s Matchstick lichen. I separate the lichen into four equal parts and roll it against the ground with the flat edge of a claw. The compound is added to a patch of fireweed leaves and carefully wrapped together. Using the weakest flame I can produce, the sides of the leaves are scorched. I roll the charred compound into the basin and add the axsage and yarrow. Finally, I use my talon to stir the water and mix the ingredients together.
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Nakino gazes into the basin. He asks with a tinge of wonder, “What is this?”
“It’s a treatment for the illness,” I tell him.
“What?!”
“Just trust me on this, okay!?”
Nakino cowers at the power of my voice and retreats a step. I lower my voice and say, “It’s going to work. Trust me.”
Nakino blinks. “A-Asha, how can you—“
“You there!” I command, flicking my ears to the nearest Kin. “Drink this. Two full sips.”
The peat-plumaged drakaina slowly raises her head from the ground. She glances towards the healer and asks, “Nakino?”
For a brief moment, he looks sick with concern. After racing his eyes between me and the drakaina, he finally relents. “Do what she says.”
The drakaina nods and rises to her talons. Taking unsteady steps, she hobbles across the floor and dolefully lowers her head to drink.
I turn to Nakino and ask, “Did you follow how I prepared it?”
He inclines his head.
“Good. Now, make enough for everyone who’s sick. You can find the lichen on the log I brought. That’s the special ingredient.”
Nakino whimpers and quickly nods. With his black tail between his legs, he scampers away to the stock room without giving me a second glance.
I release an unsteady sigh. That went about as well as I could have hoped. I allow a moment for my feathers to relax and angle my head to check on the recipient of the elixir. “How are you feeling?”
Back against the ground, the peat-plumaged drakaina swallows hard and coughs slightly. “I’ve been better.”
I can’t help but smirk. Even while sick, Kin are tough ferals. “You’re going to feel better soon, I promise. What’s your name?”
Instead of responding. the drakaina gazes into my eyes and hesitates a response. She looks oddly familiar, yet I can’t place a claw on where I’ve seen her before. Finally, she responds in a meager voice, “I am Sardi, Daughter-Of-Tish”
“Sardi?” I cock my head to the side. “I’ve heard that name before, but I can’t—“
My voice seizes, and my blood turns to ice. I remember the last time I saw her: White Mountain, my second day in Felra. After the gathering concluded, I was preparing to leap from the gathering stone when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.
“Yes,” Sardi says, squaring her wings. “Relmoon is my mate.”
As their fledges ambushed him, Sardi bounded through the crowd to join him at his side. They kissed and shared a tender moment together while I watched silently across the aerie. At the time, I didn’t understand how Relmoon could be mated while Kuro remained single. Now, the Dragon I least understand is lying before me.
Reflexively, I retreat a step from her.
“Please, don’t be afraid,” Sardi eases me with her wings. “I… don’t know why he hates you, Daughter-Of-Kelani.”
My feathers relax a little. “Hasn’t he told you?”
She coughs lightly and explains, “Relmoon left the flock’s territory as soon as he was exiled. He said nothing, leaving me to hunt for our fledges.”
A deep, unbidden growl rises in my chest. That mud eating…!
“I understand why you’re upset at him, Asha. He tried to kill you. But Relmoon is a good Dragon. He’s hard-working and a loyal mate. It’s just…” her voice dissipates, and she averts her eyes.
“How could you possibly say that?” I growl. “He abandoned you and your fledges!”
“Haven’t you ever loved someone, Asha?”
My head rears back as if someone slapped it. ‘Haven’t I ever loved someone…?’ Of all the questions she could have asked, why did she ask that one? I attempt to conjure a coy response, but my mind is blank.
“So, you have,” Sardi nods with satisfaction. “And you still do. I can see it in your eyes, fress. You’re just in denial.”
What?!
…
This is ridiculous. Relmoon’s mate is just as featherbrained as he is. Who does she think she is, psychoanalyzing me? You can’t see affection just by looking at somebody’s face!
Sardi clears her throat and beckons with her wing. “Lay with me, Asha.”
I stare at her and her outstretched wing. Is she playing me for a fool? What can this drakaina possibly know about love? She’s mated to Relmoon! And yet, something compels me to join her on the floor. A small voice of reason, one that believes there could be something important to learn despite her lunacy. Slowly, I shuffle my wings, fold them to my sides, and settle down down beside her.
Sardi smiles; she seems pleased that I joined her. “You have eyes for her, don’t you?”
Erk…!
I try to stop myself from ruffling but fail. “I have no idea who you’re talking about.”
RA-RAAR!!
Sardi cackles like a raven, drawing the attention of every Kin on our side of the den. “Don’t bite my tail, Asha. Everyone knows Kuro has a crush on you. It’s obvious that you like her as well, so why aren’t you two mated yet?”
I frown, once more struggling for a response. This is so embarrassing. Is it… really that obvious I share romantic feelings for Kuro? I’ve stifled them for so long because my guilt wouldn’t allow me to act on them. Even now, I have trouble admitting this fact in myself.
But when she attacked me today, it made me feel…
…
Sardi gives up waiting for a response. “Has she ever told you why her mating with Relmoon failed?”
I remain silent for a time, trapped in my ardent thoughts. But to her question, I know the response. “No. Kuro doesn’t like to talk about him.”
“Well, that’s not surprising,” she smirks. “Relmoon doesn’t like to talk about her, either. But those two fought all the time. It got so bad that they nearly killed each other, and Kuro’s grandmother had to forcibly separate them.”
It’s hard to forget how upset Kuro became as she explained her brief time with Relmoon. Understandably, she didn’t want to go into a lot of detail.
“But, here’s the thing,” Sardi says, lowering her head close to mine. As I stare into virescent eyes, she lowers her voice and murmurs, “Relmoon gets mad at me, too. He roars, stamps his talons, and bares fangs at me just like he did to Kuro. But when the sun sets beyond the mountains, we still love each other just as much as the day I asked him to be my mate.“
I blink slowly. “Even after everything he’s done?”
“You accept that sacrifice when you become mated, Asha. Nobody is perfect, and there are only so many Kin in the flock. You choose to accept your differences and come to appreciate the ways they bring you together.”
You choose to accept your differences?
…
But, my differences with Kuro seem insurmountable. She attacked me!
Sardi continues, “Relmoon and I met on Couple’s Night. It was a total disaster; we got into a huge argument and nearly tore each other’s heads off. But to my surprise, he returned to my den a few days later and apologized. I was so moved by his candor that I invited him to join me on a planetlight flight. By the next eclipse, he had moved into my den, and we’ve been happily mated ever since.”
A sickening feeling is beginning to form inside my stomach. They got into a big fight but still apologized? I…
“So you see, that is why I live for the day Relmoon returns to our den. I know he’s done terrible things, but… I also know that on the inside, he’s a loyal soul. Relmoon is irreplaceable to me.”
I frown and stare at the floor. With each word she spoke, I was dragged further and further into a pit of my own guilt. If Sardi and Relmoon could resolve their differences after a big fight, why couldn’t Kuro and I? That would be one of the sacrifices I have to make, right?
No matter where the winds take me, I’ll have to sacrifice something I hold dear. If I discover a way to turn back to normal, I’ll be sacrificing a future with Kuro. If I stay in Felra, I’ll sacrifice the family I lost and the Kingdom I was destined to lead. Returning home would be the moral thing to do, but… what about me? What do I want? Me, Asha Lordanou? Me, Daughter-Of-Kelani, and Kin-Of-Keuvra?! Nobody else!
Relmoon’s mate still loves him even after everything he’s done. Kuro attacked me, but I think it’s forgivable. I was the one who charged her, after all. Perhaps the reason I was so upset was because…
I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.
The festering feeling in my stomach grows to encompass my entire body. My feathers quake, and tears begin to form. I was never upset at Kuro! I never have been! Oh, Goddess, how could I make such a terrible mistake?!
“Is everything alright?”
Oh, right.
“…Mmh,” I clear my nose and try to recompose myself. “I, um. I may have done something I regret.”
From the corner of my eye, I spot Nakino exiting the store room with Enyll to his side. In their jaws are large quantities of fireweed, axsage, and yarrow. It seems they’ve committed to preparing the treatment for everyone.
“Nakino has things under control,” Sardi says, gazing at me with concern. “Go fix what needs fixing, fress.”
I loosen a weak smile. “…Yeah. Thanks, Sardi.”
We nuzzle our heads together, sharing each other’s warmth. I can’t believe Relmoon’s mate helped me see the truth, but… she did. I’m grateful to her in ways I can’t express.
With renewed energy, I leap to my talons and scamper to the exit of Nakino’s den. I’ve made a terrible mistake, perhaps the biggest mistake of my entire life. I have to find Kuro before Relmoon kills her!
Frigid winds smack my face as I return to the roots. A fresh coating of snow blanketed the ground while I was inside, erasing any proof of the fight that took place there. I gaze past it and turn skyward into spiraling snowflakes. In storms like these, even dark-plumaged Kin like Kuro can become invisible against the swirling curtains of snow. How am I going to find her now?
SKREAAK!
I call my take-off and leap from the edge of a root, quickly gaining altitude to soar through the branches and into an unfamiliar sky.
Kuro… wherever you are, please, please be safe when I arrive there!!
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