Staring down at the smoking aftermath of what had once been a lively part of town, I took a deep, shaky breath. It felt like my insides were wrung out, every bit of energy spent and then some. I was alone—Rexen had vanished, and Kitty...well, she wasn't a threat anymore. I think. Fuck, maybe she was, but after the physical and emotional upheaval, I honestly didn’t really care. Something had happened. Something…cathartic? It felt like there was a firm ending to some kind of arc—maybe Rexen’s? I dunno, man. Maybe I should stop thinking about things like they are a movie? Maybe shit just…happens, sometimes?

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed movement. Frida and Jes were making their way toward me, picking their way through the rubble. From the sidelines, faces peeked out from behind cracked doors and windows, eyes darting with confusion and what seemed like a blend of fear and anticipation. You'd think after the grand-ass fireworks show they'd just witnessed, they'da come at me with more torches and pitchforks. But no, it seemed like the System had its own agenda, and for now, it wasn't a mob.

"Fuck my fuck…" I muttered under my breath, rubbing the back of my neck. There was a twinge of pain there; a remnant from the battle or maybe just the weight of everything that had transpired.

"Well, ain't this a fine mess?" Frida remarked in that thick Scottish-ish lilt, giving a rueful smile.

I grinned back weakly.

"Hey, don't blame me for the city's new remodeling. I was just trying to destroy their ancient relic of ultimate destructive power and they got all weird about it."

“Seems t’be a theme wherever ye be, Loon,” she said, gesturing around at the carnage.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding sheepishly. “Guess I leave an unforgettable impression, huh?”

Jes surveyed the scene with a raised brow.

"Quite the altercation," he observed crisply.

“I’ll say,” I muttered, still in shock from what had just happened. “Where the hell did the two of you come from anyway?”

“We hopped a Gateway from Larith,” Frida said with a shrug of her armored shoulders. “We were chasin’ Virgil’s trail. He left a message fer us, so we knew where t’go. Met that false goblin too. Right mouth on ‘im.”

“I imagine the two of you are a pair,” Jes said to me, rolling his eyes. “Imagine my surprise to find out who he truly was.”

“Yeah, Monty’s alright,” I said, smirking. “A bit understated for my tastes, but, hey, no one can be as perfect as me.”

“A perfect shite gobber,” Frida joked, slugging me in the arm in good humor. However, because of my current level of exhaustion—which could best be understood as ‘teetering on the edge of instant death’ — the motion sent me crashing to the ground.

“I’m okay…” I groaned when she tried to rush to my aid. However, I did accept her assistance in standing again, which I did so wobbily.

“Did you guys get your shit taken care of then?” I asked, before adding. “Missed the fuck outta y’all.”

“Aw, Jes—see, I told ye,” Frida cooed. “Knew he weren’t goin’ to forget ‘bout us. Ol’ softy ‘ere was tremblin’ with worry o’er that eventuality.”

“I was not,” Jes harrumphed. “I believe I gave my thoughts as to the orc having been pummeled so profoundly that he wouldn’t be able to remember us.”

There was a chime next to my ear, and I felt the earring Monty had loaned me suddenly grow warm, like a toaster timer.

“Well…” I started. “I’m sure there was a ton of cool-ass bullshit you guys got up to in the last few months, but I think I better get this fancy ear candy back to the sewer-slingin’ daytime goblin so he can tell me how best to fuck up the System’s day.”

I looked around.

“I just…don’t know where to go. I got a bit turned around when the town went all ‘church scene’ from Kingsman on me.”

“We ain’t far,” Virgil suddenly said, slinking out from an alleyway, casually carrying his crossbow over one shoulder. “I can lead us there. You ain’t ever gon’ make it far as you are. Y’look like you’ve been used to plow a field.”

"Yeah, no sure, Shitlock," I replied. “Wait. Uh…actually, that works just fine.”

But despite my sass, there was a twinge of appreciation. He’d helped me a ton. Despite really not having to.

Frida nudged Virgil with her elbow.

"Ach. Give the lad a break. Look at him! He's knackered."

I sighed, looking between the three of them.

"Thanks for the support. Seriously," I muttered, feeling the weight of Rexen's departure more acutely in their presence.

Jes tilted his head, his eyes softening.

"You did well."

I chuckled.

"Fuck that. You guys were the MVPs in the fight. How the fuck you were able to hold your own against that crazy lady is beyond me. I mean, come on, she turned into a fuckin’ kaiju tiger. Super unfair.”

Frida clapped me on the back.

"C'mon then, before the locals get any funny ideas. Let's get you somewhere safe."

Thinking about Monty’s devilish smile made me wonder as to how accurate the word ‘safe’ really was in that context.

“Uh, right,” I said. “Let’s see what bullshit this little piece of jewelry picked up.”

–

As we stumbled into the Murder Emporium, Monty was splayed behind his counter, sipping something that looked like it'd burn a hole straight through most stomachs. Spotting me, he perked up, eyes glued to the earring.

"Look who the fuck the cat dragged in," he drawled, setting down his drink with a smirk. "I take it from all that exploding and screaming you had a grand ol’ time, eh? You come bearing gifts or just here to grace me with that pretty face of yours?"

I tossed him the earring, an eyebrow raised.

"Got your fuckin’ lobe ornament. What can you tell me?”

Monty chuckled.

“Well, look who finally woke up on the take-charge side of the bed! Hell, you’d think with all that piss and vinegar you’d have been the one to invent this motherfucker.”

“I’m just wiped,” I said with a sigh. “A lot went down after I left here.”

“I’ll say,” Monty chuckled. “You lot look like someone poisoned your favorite donkey. Got your sourpuss faces on and everything. I take it you encountered the Drifter, then? Can’t say I’m surprised.”

His casual mention of—what had turned out to be—my ghost commander, set my teeth on edge. But I pushed it down. I wasn’t sure where was, or what he was up to, but I didn’t think Rexen was actually one-hundred percent gone.

“We can chat about that later,” I said. “Can you see any sign of how to help me or not?”

Monty fiddled with the earring a moment, then tsked.

“Fuck off,” he muttered. “This thing feels like a bunch of angry bees. Let’s see what we’re working with here…”

He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they had the faraway, clouded-over look of looking at a menu.

“Yep,” he said after a moment of silence. “Figures.”

“What figures?” I asked.

“System’s gone fuckin’ haywire is what,” he said, shaking his head. “Focused on you.”

“Yeah, we knew that, Monty,” I said.

“Well, la-di-fuckin’-dip, ya goddamn know-it-all,” he returned with a sneer. “I’m filling the rest of these fools in. Let me do my thing, ya spot-ass interrupter. Ruinin’ my diatribe and shit…”

I sighed.

“Carry on.”

Monty snorted derisively and then raised a finger in the air. It started glowing, then he began sketching a circle in the air. As he moved the pale digit, intricate symbols shimmering into existence within.

"Alright, so this little bastard orc’s been messing with the system, right?” He said to the others. “Well, guess what? I’m gonna take the system's own shit and shove it right back up its ass. Bit of this, bit of that, and...voilà! Problem fucking solved.”

When he was done, I examined the symbol hovering in the air. It looked familiar.

“I think that’s similar to the runic circle I saw in the crazy-ass chamber below the temple in Kettleborough. You trying to summon something?"

Monty squinted at his, then burst into laughter.

"Chamber below? Shit, man, you hit your fuckin’ noggin? I don’t know what kind of whacked-out adventures you're diving into, but I ain't got the froggiest fuckin’ clue 'bout no damn chambers. This here’s a sealing circle."

I was reminded of the fact that when I’d been standing on the circle before, it had seemed to force the System to talk normally. Was that the case here as well?

“I told you about it,” I said indignantly. “Earlier. When I did my recap.”

“Shit, friend, I was only half payin’ attention. You need more stories about luscious, bodacious babes in your journeys if you want Monty to be fully engaged. Like a fuckin’...I dunno, sexy-ass coven of big-tittay’d druidesses with all sorts of ideas on how to repay you for saving them.”

His grin was lecherous.

“Or—”

“The System, Monty—Jesus hell!” I groaned.

“Keep your pants on, orc boy!” He said. “It’s done.”

“It is?”

“Fuck yeah, it is!” He said, shaking his head. “I’ve been done for like five minutes.”

I looked around, not seeing any objects of great power that had been conjured in the last little bit.

“Uh…where?” I wondered.

“Look at your fuckin’ sternum!”

I looked down, the others closed in to get a better look. Fuck.

“What the hell?!” I roared, wheeling on Monty. “What is this shit?!”

Monty laughed.

“Pipe down, you mangy dope,” he said. “I made you look cool! Gave you the edge you been missing this whole time. You’re fuckin’ welcome.”

I sighed, looking down at my chest again. There, occupying a large section of my upper torso, stretching from my collarbone to my solar plexus was a tattoo. It was a detailed, highly illustrative image of Monty’s face, his tongue out between two fingers in an extremely lude gesture while winking. Below that, in gangster-ass English lettering were three words:

Fuck The System

“This…” I started, but I didn’t know how to finish my statement.

Frida whistled low.

“Bit much, doncha think?” She asked Monty.

“Fuck no, madame,” he said. “Subtlety ain’t my style. Loud and proud—that’s how I live.”

Virgil just laughed. I didn’t think Frida and Jes would be able to read the words, but he definitely could.

“Great, now I’m going to have to wear a turtleneck everywhere,” I said.

“Ooh, well, you’ve totally got the legs for a turtleneck,” Monty said to me. “But, here’s the thing. It works. That fuckin’ kickass ode to me will get that System to start acting right.”

“Yeah?” I wondered. “You’re sure?”

“Hell yeah,” he said. “Cuz if it doesn’t, it’ll start messing up things for people in a radius, and the System don’t want no part o’ that, I’ll tell you that much. It’ll give it pain.”

“The System can feel pain?” I wondered.

“Probably,” Monty said. “Though, I imagine it experiences it in a much different, weirder kinda way than you or me. Listen, you gonna thank me or not?”

I sighed.

“I gotta check to see if it works before I offer up anything like gratitude,” I said.

Monty just scoffed.

So, eager to test it out, I opened up my character sheet.

Loon

Race: Orc*

Class: Barbarian (Frenzied Saboteur Path)

Level: 25

Profession: Charlatan

Health: 2131 / 5560 (Base: 990)

Arcana: 50/50 (Base: 175)

Max Stamina: 2426 (Base: 407)

Reputation: Untested

Sodality

Assignment: Cult of the Capricious

Cult Rank: Initiate

Pacts

• Rexen Gravetongue

Attributes

Remaining Points to Allocate: 0

• Strength: 212 (Base: 33)

• Constitution: 344 (+3 Ring of Redoubt) (Base: 66)

• Dexterity: 172 (Base: 23)

• Wisdom: 5 (Base: 18)

• Intelligence: 5 (Base: 17)

• Charisma: 5 (Base: 17)

• Luck: 8*

Skills

• Acrobat (E-Rank Level 6)

• Camp (F-Rank Level 1)

• Deception (F-Rank Level 3)

• Digging (E-Rank Level 8)

• Hunting (F-Rank Level 1)

• Improvised Weapon (E-Rank Level 3)

• Improvised Shield (F-Rank Level 3)

• Insight (E-Rank Level 7)

• Intimidate (F-Rank Level 3)

• Knowledge [Infiltration] (F-Rank Level 8)

• Knowledge [Ignition] (F-Rank Level 6)

• Knowledge [Nature] (F-Rank Level 1)

• Knowledge [Sabotage] (F-Rank Level 8)

• Leadership (F-Rank Level 6)

• One-Handed Weapons (E-Rank Level 2)

• Perception (F-Rank Level 4)

• Simple Weapon Proficiency (F-Rank Level 6)

• Simple Armor Proficiency (F-Rank Level 1)

• Sneaking (A-Rank Level 0)

• Survival (F-Rank Level 1)

• Swimming (F-Rank Level 1)

• Two-Handed Weapons (F-Rank Level 6)

• Throwing Weapons (E-Rank Level 3)

• Unarmed Fighting (E-Rank Level 5)

Active Abilities

• Armorless Defense (D-Rank Level 6)

• Battle Born I

• Darkvision I

• Enduring Perch II

• Eye of the Saboteur I

• Primal Rage (E-Rank Level 5)

• Pernicious Volley I

• Natural Resilience (F-Rank Level 2)

• Nightfall Strike I

• Super Berserking I

• Uncommon Consumption (F-Rank Level 2)

• Wanderlust II

• Warchant II

• Blackout Warchant

Passive Abilities

· Friendship Strategy

· Inciter

· Outsider

· Unfaltering

· Wildling

Perks

· Adventurous Tastes (First Perk Bonus)

· Aegis Synthesis

· Old Ironsides

Aegis

· Calden’s Hang Time

· Loon’s Bombastic Beatdown

Boons

· Bone Warrior

· Imprint

Esper Nodes

· Emerald: 3

· Sapphire: 3

“Pretty fuckin’ nice, huh?” Monty asked. “I’ll accept payment in coins. Don’t be tryin’ to use no damn trick currency or anything, neither—if you think—”

But I wasn’t really listening. Down at the bottom of my menu was something else—something…odd. An addition, not part of the usual stats and numbers I was used to. A message.

Hey, can we talk?

[Yes/No?]