“Well, it’s great that you’re doing well! It was…how do they say it, touch-and-go for a while?” The beautiful woman said.

“Yeah…I’m happy….uh, with it—the healies,” I said, smiling dumb-as-fuckly.

We were all sitting in a gigantic room on plush velvet couches in front of a roaring hearth. Or, at least, I think we were. It was hard to tell considering I only had eyes for the enchanting beauty sitting less than ten feet from me. Every time her eyes found mine I felt a surge of butterflies in my veins. It was a feeling that I knew meant I would do whatever she wanted, and it would be the best thing that ever happened to me to assist her.

“Tialara,” the huge devil man said. “You might want to drop the Allure.”

Tialara—the world’s most perfect woman—simply slapped the big creature’s arm.

“Oh, Buck, but it makes people so…acquiescent to conversation. You’re just upset it doesn’t work on you.”

“Tialara…” he said in a lazy sort of warning.

“Fine! Fine!” Tialara—beauty incarnate—said. Then she wiggled her nose cutely, and suddenly, it was like a bubble popped.

Just like that, my head was clear. Like stepping out of a thick, intoxicating fog into the crisp, cold morning air. There she still sat, the woman—Tialara—still strikingly beautiful, but the intense enamored stupor that had left me swooning like a starstruck teen at their first metal concert had vanished.

A hot surge of indignation washed over me. I shook my head, feeling as if I’d just been dunked in ice-cold water. My mind rebelled, wrestling with the sudden withdrawal of...whatever the fuck that was.

Reality crashed back into me. The roaring hearth, the devil-looking man, the damn bejeweled mansion. Everything seemed to sharpen, the edges of my reality snapping back into high definition.

God dammit, I'd been ensnared! Manipulated. Who the fuck are these people?

My previous infatuation curdled in my gut, turning to pure, unadulterated rage. I wanted to snap, to yell, to let them both know just how pissed I was. But the cold, rational part of my brain that had somehow managed to stay functioning reminded me of the situation. We were, quite literally, in the lion's den.

I forced a smile onto my face, hoping it looked less like a snarl.

“That was…a hell of a trick, Tialara.”

My words hung in the air like a bad smell, the friendly charade not quite holding up. My fists clenched and unclenched, the fingers twitching with a violent urge I had to swallow down.

"Oh, don't look so glum, handsome," she responded, her emerald eyes glinting with something I couldn't quite read. Maybe amusement, or possibly satisfaction. Maybe both. "Just wanted to make sure you were comfortable."

Comfortable, my ass. That was a dirty, rotten, no-good prank.

It also reminded me of being fooled into drinking the Potion of Oratory Splendor by Zeol—which I was still pissed about, now that I was thinking about it. It had been surreptitiously fed to me and given me an inability to speak anything other than the King’s English—er, Common—for a whole minute like I was on some lackluster Masterpiece Theater vehicle.

I felt my eye twitch with suppressed anger. The more I sat there, the more I wanted to punch something. I forced a chuckle out, the sound grating to my own ears.

“Yeah, I’ve never felt so fucking comfortable in my life. What was that, by the way?"

“Oh, just Allure,” the woman said, shrugging. “It’s a great defensive mechanism for protecting the property.”

“I’ll fucking bet,” I said. “Be hard for intruders to get away with anything if they’re suddenly stumbling all over themselves to whisk you away on a honeymoon.”

Buck chuckled. I shot him a glance, one that probably had enough venom to floor a bull.

"Quite the comedian, isn't he?" Buck's monstrous grin was full of pointy, white teeth. They were probably capable of chomping my head off in one bite.

"Yep," I muttered, not caring how sarcastic I sounded. "I'm a regular fucking court jester."

If they wanted to see me dance, I’d dance—but I wasn’t about to do it happily. I’d find out what their game was, and once I did, they’d regret ever dragging me into it. I'd make damn sure of that.

“Who in the hells are you people?” Edwig demanded suddenly. I was impressed with his vigorous vitriol, since I was usually the one spouting out angry rebuttals. This was especially telling considering he was all about proper introductions—a fact he had made painfully clear multiple times since I’d known him.

“Well,” said the woman. “As mentioned, I am Tialara. Tialara fen Abrrigask vis Lirenteamyalar. You’re in the house I currently steward.”

“First of all,” I started, shaking my head. “That’s one of the longest fucking names I’ve ever heard in my fucking life. Jesus Christ—you Welsh or something?”

Edwig let out a grunt of approval.

“Second—this ain’t a house, it’s a goddamn Ritz-Carlton. How many fuckin’ rooms are in this bitch? I’m pretty sure your laundry room has a laundry room.”

“Oh, hm,” Tialara said, tapping a manicured finger against her chin in thought. “If you count the kitchens, washrooms, and several special chambers…seventy, maybe? Give or take a few.”

However, Buck seemed fixated on me now.

Uh-oh.

“So, you’re a Sojourner,” he said simply, leaning back and smiling.

“Uh—waitaminute—what? No I’m—I mean, uh…” I paused. “Sorry, could you repeat the question?”

“The jig is up, orc,” Edwig said. “You said a whole lot of things that were beyond my comprehension. You might want to learn to keep a stopper in those outbursts of yours.”

I sighed.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “I’m a Sojourner, so what? You want to kill me now, or something? Cuz—oh, fuck—you’re a Sojourner too, aren’t you?”

If he’d understood any of what I said, that was definitely the case. Goddamn, how many freaking Sojourners were there in this place?

“Yeah,” he said, nodding and shrugging. “But I wouldn’t be so quick to admit to it if I were you. Only a handful of people know that about me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “That’s what I’ve been told, but so far, I seem to only be running into others of our kind. Nobody else seems to care.”

“You’ve been lucky then,” the big creature continued. “There’s a lot of people out there that would be more than happy to cut your belly open if they found out.”

That reminded me—my arrival here.

“Alright, so on that note, what fucking happened to me? That last thing I—”

“Pah! You’re a damn rude orc!” Edwig interrupted.

“What—oh, do you mean—”

“The introductions have begun!” He continued, adopting a smug grin. “My tutelage is apparently lost on you.”

“Jesus, now you sound like Arjee,” I said.

“Pah! Don’t compare me to that hideous specter,” Edwig admonished.

“Just do your damn introductions, Quintham—Edwig Quintham, Undermoronic Reslurper at the honest-to-goodness Matron’s Order.”

He glared at me and then turned to our hosts, who seemed to now be waiting in expectant amusement.

“Pah! Don’t listen to him!” Edwig said. “I am Quintham. Edwig Quintham, Undermagister Researcher at the august and venerable Mages Order at Yosper Hall in Tallrock.”

“Oh,” I interjected. “Actually, it’s not Tallrock anymore. Copyright issues, or something.”

“What?” Edwig shot. “What are you talking about, orc?”

“They…I dunno, changed the name. Carpathia or something, I think.”

“Pah! I don’t believe you. When did this happen?” Edwig demanded.

“Actually, I heard about that,” Buck confirmed. “Karepalea is what it’s called now, I think.”

Edwig looked mortified. His eyes were bulging out of his jelly face and he shook his whole body.

“Why would they change it?”

“Something about red mages?” I said. “I dunno. You were in the bracelet when Sister was talking about it, and I really wasn’t paying attention, if I’m being honest.”

“You met S’Rista?!” Edwig demanded. “What happened while I was—”

“Not to be rude,” Tialara said, smiling. “But weren’t we doing introductions?”

“Oh!” Edwig said, and I couldn’t be sure, but it almost looked like his body took on a pink shade of embarrassment. “Right. How rude of me. Yes, well, as I said—”

“I’m Loon,” I said. “Barbarian hobbyist, professional sex machine.”

I winked at Tialara, but she just raised an eyebrow—so I felt stupid.

“As you’ve probably picked up, I’m Buck,” the devil-lookin’ dude said, leaning forward. “Sojourner, like Loon. Been here about ten years.”

That’s about how long Fawn said she’s been here, I thought. I wonder if they know one another?

“Anyway, now that that’s outta the way,” I started, clapping my hands together. “What’s the deal? What happened after I went through that portal with my private insides spilling out all over the public?”

Buck and Tialara exchanged glances. Then Buck nodded at my stomach.

“I was getting ready to go out on an excursion of my own. Tialara was helpfully lending me use of Madam Marrow’s Gateway when it suddenly spit you out. Fortunately, our hostess here has a wide variety of remedies at her disposal.”

“I’m sorry—did you say Madam Marrow?” I asked. “That sounds goth as fuck. Like the name of a band I’d have been bumpin’ back home.”

“Well, you’d probably appreciate, then, that she’s a vampire,” Buck said casually.

“What?!” I roared, then looked to Tialara, aghast. “Your roommate is a bloodsucker?”

That explains the lack of windows in this place, I thought. Also, this being Dracula’s vacation zone was spot on. God damn, I’m a motherfuckin’ wunderkind.

Tialara smiled, and I felt my heart leap in my chest. She really was beautiful.

“Well, it’s more complicated than just that,” she said. “But for simplicity’s sake: yes. More than that, though, she’s my employer.”

“Seems like a bad idea to move in with your coworkers,” I said. “But what do I know? Not like I ever had a job for long enough to fall into that sort of situation.”

“Oh? Did you live alone?” Tialara asked.

“Nah, I’ve been living with my aunt and uncle for the last few years—wow, listen to me, I’m not sure why I told you that.”

“Tialara…” Buck said, and the effervescently charming Tialara shrugged her gorgeous shoulders and winked.

“Sorry,” she said. “Habit.”

She wiggled her nose again and I suddenly felt a similar sensation as before drop, except not as strong.

“Hey,” I said severely. “Don’t do that shit again.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, making a pouty face. “It’s in my nature. I’ll try to remember to not slip into it with our present company.”

“Okay—anyway,” I began, attempting to let bygones be fucking bygones. “So, I came through there and you healed me. Then, for some reason you stripped me bare and put me in this sundress? Where’s my stuff?”

“Well, we thought it best to see what kind of person you were,” Buck said. “Didn’t want you to wake up and create problems, right? If you weren’t aware, you’re a pretty intimidating looking guy.”

I nodded.

“Yeah, safety first,” I said. “But, talkin’ ‘bout intimidating: look at you, man. You’re easily, what—half a foot taller than me? You look like you could put a dragon in a headlock and make him cry. You a vittra?”

He did look similar to the devil race that Veruca was piloting around, though he was way bigger and didn’t have a tail.

“No, ‘fraid not,” he said. “Just your run-of-the-mill oni.”

“Oh,” I said, pretending I understood. “So…not a vittra?”

He chuckled.

“No, but I think here they might be related in some way,” Buck said. “But that might just be me being unintentionally racist.”

“Hey, I’ll take accidental racism over purposeful racism any day,” I said. “Which…”

I looked him up and down.

“...I’m sure you get it worse than me.”

“Pah! You talk a lot about prejudice for someone goin’ around referring to me as ‘Jigglepuss.’”

“Hey, now,” I said. “I called you ‘Jigglypuff,’ and you misheard me, remember? But…fair point. I’ll keep all of my insults personality-related from now on, Jigglepuss. Lord knows there’s enough to work with there.”

Edwig quivered with irritation, but I moved on before he could continue.

“So..can I have my stuff back? Clearly I’m not a threat. Even if I tried anything, you could just femme fatale me into a blithering boner.”

“Sure thing!” Tialara said, and then placed one finger in the air. She traced a pattern that I didn’t recognize—but sorta looked like a pentagram—and then I watched as the space in the air in front of her suddenly opened like a trap door. She held her hand out and suddenly, a bunch of things fell into her lap.

“My things!” I cheered happily, seeing the untidy pile of my belongings.

Then she closed the magical trap-door rift with a wave of her hand and gathered the items up in her arms and brought them over to me. I accepted them gratefully, then immediately stood and pulled the mumu over my head. I balled it up and hucked it at Edwig, just to be a dick, and it sailed over and landed on him, draping over his head. I hurriedly began putting my badass fightin’ outfit on and started stuffing my weapons into my belt.

“What was that Spell?” I asked, buckling one of my torso belts over my chest to fix my furred pauldrons in place.

“Oh, that?” Tialara asked, gesturing in the empty air where the rift had been a moment ago. “Storage space. Comes in handy!”

“I’ll say. I gotta get me an inventory hole like that.”

When I was finally finished donning all my goodness, I sat back down, feeling a lot more like the menace the world deserved.

“So, about your injury,” Buck said. “Can I ask what happened?”

“Oh,” I said. “It was sorta…self-inflicted, I guess you could say. I was keeping something important inside me and it was pulled into the portal before I was. Then there was all the hullabaloo with the Mages at the portal—”

“What hullabaloo?” Edwig asked. He’d removed the mumu from his head and now it was on the ground.

“Uh, they thought I was trying to skip ahead of the line and so they didn’t get to cast their little Spell to send me along. But I brute-forced my way in by virtue of the forces of gravity, and here we are.”

Edwig gave me a dark look.

“Were you trying to skip the line?”

“What? No! What do you take me for?”

“A line-skipper,” he said.

“Well, I’m not. There was a whole sequence of events that resulted in that eventual outcome. In fact, I was very specifically being a line-abiding citizen. Scout’s honor.”

He just stared at me as if he didn’t believe me, but didn’t say anything further.

“Well,” Buck said. “It’s fortunate you ended up here then. Many places you could have ended up might not have been as friendly with their healing. It’s not uncommon for criminals to try to escape authorities by Gate-hopping, thinking they’re going to be able to circumvent their misdeeds if they’re far enough away. If someone were to come through injured, they’d likely toss them in a cell first, and wait to see if anyone came out of the portal after them before doing anything helpful.”

“Honestly, if Buck hadn’t convinced me otherwise, I probably would have just put you out of your misery,” Tialara said. “Or left you for the Madam to take care of.”

I shuddered. Then I turned to Buck.

“Why did you spare me, then? Bewitched by my natural charm and charisma and thought the world a dark place without it?”

“Pah! I don’t know how enchanting you’d be holding your guts in.”

“Shut up, Edwig,” I said absently.

Buck smiled.

“Actually, it was your…weapons,” he said, and I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like he’d been about to say something else. “They were intriguing, and I haven’t seen anything quite like them.”

I lifted the haladie and the pique, admiring them in the golden glow of the room.

“Yeah, they’re pretty fuckin’ baller, right? These bad boys have gotten me through some rough times. Speaking of rough times—what the fuck were you talking about before?”

“Ah…” Buck said. “I was referring to the fate you’d have been left to with Tialara.”

“What fate?” Tialara asked sweetly, but it was clear she knew what he was talking about.

“You mean the love potion Spell?” I asked. “Yeah, if that’s the alternative, just fucking let me bleed out.”

“You were talking about weapons,” Edwig said. “I’d like to hear more about your opinions of the orc’s choices.”

“Well, actually,” Buck said, seeming perfectly happy to abruptly change subjects. “I have to admit, I’ve been delayed enough as it is with this detour. So, if you want, we can let you get through to wherever it was you were originally trying to go, and I’ll head out as well.”

“Aw,” Tialara groaned. “But if everyone leaves, it’s going to be so lonely here. You sure you boys don’t want to stick around? I’ll get the spectral servants to whip up something delicious for dinner. How does everyone feel about rakara eggs?”

“As appetizing as that grossly-named abomination sounds…Buck’s right. We should probably get going,” I said. “We have friends waiting for us, and they’re likely sniffling and sobbing right now on account of the fact that their fearless leader hasn't shown up yet.”

“Pah! Bet they’re drinking celebratory beers,” Edwig muttered.

“You wanna go back in the bracelet, snarky-pants?” I asked, pointing at the circle of gold on my wrist. “Cuz that’s where your time-out’s gonna be if you keep takin’ pot-shots at my character.”

“That sounds more like an attack on their integrity than yours,” Tialara offered merrily. “You’ve been absolutely splendid company.”

“See?” I said to Edwig. “The extremely lonely house sitter gets it. I’m splendid.”

“Where were you going, anyway?” Buck asked, standing up. “We should probably head that way before it gets too late. Depending on your final destination, some places shut down early and don’t reopen until morning.”

“We are headin’ to Palandis,” I said.

“Hm,” Buck said, lazily and thoughtfully. “Interestingly…that’s where I’m headed as well.”

“Ooh! Convoy!” I said. “Nice!”

Serendipity seemed to follow me around. Even if sometimes serendipity was a damn contrary motherfucker. I’d have checked my Luck stat, but considering the last time I had, the message had simply said “Pip! Pip! Somebody’s tempting fate!”...it seemed like I’d be wasting my time.

“Well, that settles it!” Tialara said, in her wonderfully charming way. “Palandis’ Gateway is open all night! That means we can sup together!”

Really, it was amazing that she lived alone, when she should be surrounded by thousands of people clamoring to spend their time with her. Actually, that seemed like something I might want to do. Fuck my friends—there was just something about her.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” I said, my eyes never leaving her gorgeous, perfect face. “But, what about breakfast—hell, we could make a longer stay of it.”

“Tialara…” Buck said warningly.

“Sorry,” she said, wiggling her nose. “I just really want to entertain.”