《The Emperor's Concubine》Through Other Eyes IX: The Neglected Empress and the Prince from Far Away (2)
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“If...His Majesty planned on marrying you for political benefits and you were both truly fine with this kind of relationship, I could not...blame him for losing his heart to someone else. But then he should have stood at Lady Blanche's side. It created unnecessary trouble for him to marry you, only to hurt all three of you for political gain. He seems confident that he will be able to secure the capital without your family now. Why could he not make up his mind before?”
It was a truly selfish way to view this, but Seraphina couldn't help it. She almost smiled just because Linden finally said what she had wished for someone to tell her, that personal emotions did matter even in the field of politics. But of course, she forced herself to calm down and keep a straight expression while she replied. “His Majesty never used to be this confident. That only changed a few months ago. He would have broken off the engagement if he had been this certain before, I am sure of that. And since he...did give me the chance to end this union right after Lady Blanche arrived, I cannot fault him. I was to become empress and not be his lover from the very beginning anyway. That was my task, and I came here to fulfill it. I do not mind that.”
At least she hadn't minded being empress and focusing on nothing else for years now. But suddenly, Seraphina did mind, and she wasn't sure what to do about that. Still, she forced herself to lie to hide how much her priorities had shifted. If she said that she considered throwing this all away because of someone she had met a little over a week ago, wouldn't that be pathetic?
It seemed like Linden saw right through her lie. He didn't point it out directly, but after a short pause, he said what she had wished to hear once again. “If that is what you are happy with, that choice must be right for you. But if you are ever uncertain about this or wish to change anything, please do not hesitate. Working hard for your nation is fine, but you do not have to neglect your own wishes because of that.” He always seemed to know just what to say.
This time, Seraphina's lips twitched a bit. She would have smiled if her heart hadn't ached like that for a moment. The more she spoke to Linden, the more she understood that going back to how it had been before might not work as well as she had hoped that it would. Surely, this was a foolish thing to consider. After all, both she and Linden should only view this as a political union. But she couldn't help it. She adored spending time with him, and she also adored Linden himself. He was a precious friend already.
But all of her friends felt a bit different. That was the biggest issue.
The thought almost wiped away Seraphina's contentment fully. She pushed it away and tried to just focus on the current situation. As she looked around the garden, she realized that they once again followed the same path. Linden had to be bored after having to see the same areas of the palace property each day. Maybe it was time to bring him a bit further. Seraphina was well aware that this was just another of her selfish wishes since she wanted to be alone with Linden, but she suggested it anyway. “There is a place I would like to show you. It...is very dear to me.”
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Linden immediately turned to her. As he scanned her face carefully, he swiftly replied. “I would be honored to visit that place. Please lead me there.”
Seraphina didn't wait any longer. She turned and changed the course to bring them to the labyrinth. Maybe it was foolish to go to a spot where others couldn't watch them, but that was just what Seraphina wanted. Rumors circulated too much already anyway, so she might as well spend time with Linden despite those.
As they arrived at the entrance of the maze's hedges, Seraphina addressed her maids. “You may wait here.” That was another foolish decision, but she decided to stay at least a bit conscious of her status and gave her knight a different order. “Sir Aldis, please follow us until the rose arch.” She at least needed one person to accompany them and someone who could protect Linden in an emergency. This was the best choice.
Naturally, her attendants agreed.
Seraphina stepped into the labyrinth first and then waited for Linden. After he followed her, he quickly took his place by her side again. When she began walking forward, they were a bit too close to each other, their shoulders brushing against one another. Seraphina could take a small step to the side to limit the contact they had, but she decided not to do that. She just kept walking straight ahead and told herself that this didn't mean anything.
She couldn't lie to herself for long though.
As they finally arrived at the center of the labyrinth, she immediately caught herself scanning Linden's expression as if she hoped that he would like this place.
And Linden, who never showed the public what he was thinking, certainly seemed like he was fond of this location. After looking around for a moment, he faced her again and spoke. “This is a truly beautiful little space. It is very peaceful here.”
It shouldn't matter to her, but Seraphina found herself being more than overjoyed to hear that Linden liked this place. This time, she didn't hold back the smile. “Yes, I think so too. That is why I spend a lot of time here. Whenever I need a break or wish to calm down, I visit. Few people enter the labyrinth, so you are rarely disturbed here.” She glanced back at the rose arch, where Noah was waiting for the two. She gave him a small hand signal, which should show that they would take a while. Noah could turn around and relax a bit without keeping an eye on them.
Apparently, Sir Aldis wasn't too relieved. He did follow the order, but his expression had made it seem like he expected something inappropriate to happen. And maybe he wasn't so wrong about that.
Seraphina felt her stomach churn a bit as she realized that she was alone with Linden. Looking back at him, she couldn't keep herself from feeling like her body was far too sensitive when it came to him. She had met many conventionally attractive people over the course of her life. Many of them had been the object of attraction for those who longed to come into contact with such beauty. Seraphina had usually seen that beauty, but she had never felt the need to be closer to those people. To her, their appearance hadn't changed much, with their political position mattering far more.
It was different with Linden. Conventionally, he might not even be viewed as someone who would stand out among the most wanted bachelors in the capital. He was certainly handsome by such standards, but he most likely wouldn't be praised in countless songs by everyone who saw him.
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But, for some reason, Seraphina found herself wishing to shower him with praise and compliments. Just looking at Linden's face made her feel so warm and comfortable that she almost wished to carry a painting of him around. Even that would not compare to the real version of him though. Having Linden in front of her was like a gift, one that threatened to overwhelm her fully if she wasn't careful. And to her confusion, this seemed to be how love was described by some people around her.
Seraphina shouldn't like what that indicated. But even the thought just made her heart beat quicker.
Maybe she had been quiet for too long since Linden seemed to become a bit concerned. “Seraphina? Is something wrong?” When he said her name, nothing felt wrong. In fact, everything just seemed to be right.
But Seraphina could never say that out loud. She hurriedly averted her eyes. “No. I merely considered offering you a seat. When I visit, I usually sit at the fountain and listen to the calming water. It is quite nice after a long day of being watched by many.” Luckily, she had covered up her nervousness well.
Linden fully believed her excuse. “I can imagine that. Shall we sit down then?” He offered her his arm as if to escort her.
It wasn't needed for the few steps they would take to the fountain. But it was an excuse to touch one another, and so, they locked their arms for just a few seconds.
When they reached the fountain, Seraphina sat down first while carefully holding her wide skirt in place so that it would look somewhat graceful. She had never been so focused on being so proper while being in her safe space. It wasn't like she had the social pressure of noble society on her either though. She just wished to look somewhat presentable for Linden. That alone was a foolish wish, but she couldn't change her mind about this so quickly.
Linden didn't hesitate before taking a seat next to her. As usual, he didn't seem to pay attention to keeping the appropriate distance to her so that their arms touched. Maybe the nobles weren't so focused on separating men and women in Northern Ocrea. That had to be the reason. Though, he might have been a bit stiff in that position too, just staring straight ahead without daring to meet her gaze. Did he notice what he was doing after all?
Seraphina couldn't bring herself to care. She didn't want him to move away, so she didn't point out how close they were and also didn't ask whether Ocrea's conventions differed from the ones of Artias. She merely stayed at her spot and kept her mouth shut while enjoying the silent moment with Linden. Though, she also couldn't deny that her peaceful spot wasn't so peaceful anymore when her heart beat out of tact. It was pathetic that she, who was usually so composed and never faltered, could barely concentrate now. But she couldn't be upset with herself either. Not when she was right here with Linden and could enjoy her time with him.
Before she could even say anything to distract herself, Linden cleared his throat. When he whispered to her, he sounded quite uncertain. “May I....” He stopped himself, only to change his mind about whatever he had wished to address. “I apologize.” He lowered his gaze.
Seraphina couldn't help but get curious whenever Linden spoke, so she wanted to hear what this had been about too. She swallowed before opening her mouth. “There is no need to apologize. What did you wish to speak about?”
And even though Linden was usually so confident and never struggled to express what he wanted, it almost seemed like he was at his limit here. When he pressed his lips together and paused for a moment, he couldn't hide how unwell he was. Still, he ended up replying. “I...merely wished to...inquire something.” Again, he paused. This time, it took much longer for him to speak. He barely met her gaze while pressing this out. “May I...hold your hand again?”
Oh.
Of everything he could have asked, Seraphina hadn't expected that. Though, she had to admit that Linden wasn't mentioning this out of the blue either. Just a day ago, he had reached for Seraphina's hand for the first time, holding her so carefully that it had felt like he was scared of breaking her. A second after, he had caught himself and had immediately let go, but it seemed like neither of them had forgotten.
Now Linden wasn't just acting on instinct though. He was consciously deciding to offer her his hand.
And even though Seraphina knew that this was a bad idea, that she should reject this and never mention it again... She couldn't help it. It was a selfish thing she did, something the empress shouldn't try. But Seraphina slowly lifted her arm to hold her hand toward Linden as she turned her palm upward.
Linden seemed like he had held his breath upon waiting for her response. When he finally received it, he was quick to accept her silent invitation. As his warm palm rested on hers, it felt far too perfect. Like they just fit together as if this had been meant to be. Linden seemed to feel the same. He locked their fingers quickly without a hint of hesitation. Then he stared at their hands like he couldn't believe it.
Seraphina was in a similar state. Her heart almost beat out of her chest, and she struggled to keep herself calm. In fact, she was certain that her face was getting red. She found herself lowering her gaze as if to hide that while pressing her lips together. This was pathetic. She was supposed to be a calm ruler. How could this little body contact be enough to make her lose her composure? She wished that she could simply tell herself to breathe in and out deeply before deciding on her next steps, but that was impossible. All the self-control Seraphina had exerted during the past twenty-six years of her life seemed to be wiped away just because Linden held her hand.
He didn't intend to let go either, it seemed. As seconds passed, Linden just kept their fingers interlocked while not daring to say a single thing. Another minute passed without either of them moving. Only then, Linden slowly lifted his gaze and stared at her face.
Seraphina barely dared to meet his gaze, but when she did, she was met with an expression that was so affectionate that her heart skipped a beat. Her unreadable mask broke despite her best efforts not to react at all. For a moment, she wasn't the empress. She was just a young woman without experience, who was torn between what others demanded of her and what she wished to do. Having Linden look at her like this was wonderful, but it was also painful and made her heart ache so much that she felt like it would stop soon.
Linden saw that. He always saw everything she couldn't hide from him. As he leaned forward to grasp her cheek and pull her closer gently, he whispered to her, his voice full of so much emotion. “Seraphina.” Hearing his name from her lips alone made her shiver. Linden wasn't even done though. He kept speaking and just made it worse with his wonderful, wonderful words. “I care for you more than I ever cared for anyone else. I...wished to deny it until now, but I cannot pretend anymore. Please allow me to express what I am feeling.”
She had never thought that just a few sentences could evoke such emotions in her. Seraphina felt like her entire world had shifted just because of this. Her eyes widened as she stared back at Linden. Her heart almost cramped in a confusing mix of utter ecstasy and deep-rooted fear. She did like Linden a lot. If she was any other noble lady, she would certainly have agreed without a second thought. But she was the empress. How could she allow the prince of a neighboring nation to court her when he had come here to negotiate with her husband? That was foolish and would risk bringing their nations to a freezing standstill.
But wasn't their situation a bit different? Surely, Theodore wouldn't hate Linden because of this. He had encouraged the couple to meet and had even told Seraphina to get much closer to the prince.
His reason certainly wasn't kindness though.
Seraphina's heart pounded in her chest so that the sound filled her entire head. Each moment that passed in silence was accompanied by the rhythmic thumping that made it harder to think and focus on what she had to say. Any good empress that put her nation first wouldn't risk losing her position over something like this, over a man she had barely met a week ago, a man that would leave again in a week.
Until now, Seraphina had thought that she was a good empress. That might not be the case though.
Even if she tried to force herself, she couldn't reject Linden now. Seraphina knew that alone because her whole body seemed to hurt at the thought. But how could she accept him? Their situations were too unfitting. They belonged to the royal families of two different nations. Linden was bound to Northern Ocrea while she was bound to Artias. They could never be together even if she took the leap of fate and threw herself into his arms. As Seraphina opened her mouth to say that, she found her hands shaking.
Linden seemed to notice and gently brushed his thumb over the back of her hand as if to calm her. He still looked at her and waited for the response. With every second, he seemed more pained.
The sight broke Seraphina's heart. She almost wanted to cry, which was something she rarely did. She swallowed and then closed her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to look at Linden again. Her voice was barely a faint whisper. “Linden, this... We cannot forget who we are.”
Linden's hold on her hand just tightened. As he replied, he whispered as well, his voice so full of longing that his words sounded like the greatest love poem anyone could have written. “I am aware of that too. But the more I am with you, the more I long to throw everything else away just to be able to hold you. At first, I thought this was a wrong impression, but I am certain. I hold deep feelings for you, ones that extend further than what a friendship would entail. I cannot ignore this anymore. And I... I believe that you may feel the same thing for me. That is why I can't let go of this chance.” He was so courageous. He saw what he wanted and just tried to grasp it despite knowing that it wasn't his place to act freely.
Could Seraphina do that too? Ever since she had been born, she had tried to stay within the boundaries of the life that had been planned for her. It wasn't like she had felt cornered. After all, many of her wishes had been fulfilled. Her parents had bought her whatever she had wanted, her loving siblings had always been there for her, and she had never been lacking anything.
But the general direction of her life had been predetermined ever since she had started to take lessons that had prepared her for her future role. And that was also when Seraphina had started hiding her true feelings. She hadn't truly wished for a completely political relationship with a future husband. She had actually secretly hoped that she and her partner could love one another, much like her parents had been in love. But upon being engaged to Theodore, who had treated her kindly but without any personal affection, she had simply stayed silent about her honest feelings. After all, it hadn't been his or her fault. Their families had simply united them in a marriage, and it had been their task to make it work. Seraphina had been trained to become empress first, so she had put that above her own wishes too. The nation had to come first after all.
And then Lady Blanche had arrived. Within a mere month, she had won over Theodore and become his one and only.
Seraphina hadn't been in love with that man, so it hadn't been a personal betrayal. Yet, she had lost her last remaining hope to have a romantic relationship with anyone. From then on, she had fully given up on her desire to be loved by her fiancé and had simply accepted this situation since she needed to become empress. Theodore had indirectly offered to break off the engagement with her if she just desired it. She had rejected that. Why? Because she had wished to fulfill the one role she had been raised to take on.
And now she truly considered throwing that away. All because of Linden.
Was this what Theodore had felt upon meeting Lady Blanche first? Had he been as torn between his own wishes and his responsibilities too? Had his heart shattered just the same upon realizing that he would have to marry Seraphina anyway and that she and her family stood between him and his lover? Was that why he resented her so much now?
It was a foolish thought, but when Seraphina remembered that her current husband was what truly kept her from extending her hand and accepting Linden, she might feel a hint of resentment toward him as well. Toward this whole situation that kept her confined in a small cage. But trying to break open that cage would fully change everything about her world. Would that truly be fine?
Seraphina wanted to try it. She was well aware that her entire heart longed to just throw herself into this without any further concerns. But the part of her that was used to being the careful empress, someone who never acted rashly, couldn't just forget all the problems that might arise. “This...” She wanted to say so much, but all of her words seemed to fade as she stared right at Linden. “Isn't this wrong?” She said that and yet kept holding his hand as she lifted her fingers to cover Lindens, which still rested on her cheek.
Linden's attention stayed on her fully as he whispered to her without being able to hide what response he desperately wished for. “At this point, you don't owe your husband anything. If he has a lover, you should be allowed to have one too.” That wasn't the point. Seraphina didn't care about what Theodore thought. Especially not since that man had told her to begin this relationship before she had even met Linden properly.
Seraphina's true concern was connected to far more. “He...doesn't matter.” Her voice almost died as Linden leaned closer, and she could only look right into his beautiful dark eyes. He was all she could see even as she tried to remember what she should pay attention to. “But what will become of us and our nations? This...cannot hurt anyone.” Especially not the relationship between the two nations.
Linden only leaned closer to her. “It won't. How could something this wonderful hurt anyone? This...is the most captivating feeling I ever experienced.” His eyes slowly moved as he took in her features like he had never seen her before. That soft look on his face made her feel more than divine as he just whispered more. “I don't want to let go of this. I want to keep holding you until the very end. I wish I could bring you away from all the people who don't appreciate you here.”
That was a dangerous thing to say. Something that almost sounded like a proposal to the empress of another nation wasn't a joke.
And yet, political matters seemed to lose their meaning entirely as Seraphina heard those words. Her emotions became far too overwhelming as her skin began tingling everywhere while she got warm and cold at the same time. She needed to release what she felt somehow. Otherwise, this would tear her apart. So, Seraphina did what every part of her longed to do. She leaned forward and lifted her head slightly to place her lips on Linden's.
It was such a gentle touch, but it hit her with the weight of a carriage. Suddenly, time seemed to freeze as Seraphina couldn't bring herself to move. She was truly kissing Linden. What a foolish thing she was doing. She should have controlled herself. But now she had lost anyway. It didn't matter anymore.
And somehow, it felt like the right decision when Linden suddenly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug.
Seraphina felt the change in her heart immediately as that warm sensation spread everywhere. Now she had crossed the line after all. She couldn't go back after this. It was stupid. Linden would still have to return to Northern Ocrea. But she couldn't bring herself to regret it. How could she when it made her feel so good? Without being able to do anything about it, she just melted and allowed herself to hug Linden back.
It felt like they stayed connected like that for an eternity. When their lips finally separated, they kept embracing one another without saying a thing. Linden just seemed to pull her closer as if he wished to never let go.
Seraphina was fine with that though. She actually liked it a lot. But as she leaned her head on Linden's shoulder and dared to glance to the side, she made eye contact with someone else.
Noah had seen.
Her knight was still standing at the entrance of the rose arch, but against her order, he hadn't turned away. Instead, he met her gaze right ahead. Noah didn't seem surprised. His expression was too composed for that. But maybe that was just what made this worse. Usually, Noah was a sweet and easily impressed knight, but sometimes, Seraphina caught him being a bit too calm, too composed. Whenever he looked at her like that, she almost forgot that he was a polite and loyal young knight. At times like this, she almost felt like she saw hints of disdain from Sir Aldis, even though he was more than devoted to the royal family. Almost as if he wanted to show her that he had seen her mistake and wouldn't let her forget that it was over now.
The consequences of this were obvious. After all, Noah served the emperor and not the empress. He might hide small things that wouldn't change much, but would he stay silent about this? Surely, he would tell his master if his wife had an affair.
In an hour, Theodore would know, and he would laugh to himself because his ridiculous plan had worked. And then he would have all the reasons he needed to divorce his wife without any complaint from those around them.
It seemed like the decision had been taken from her. Seraphina had struggled with this for so long, and now the moment was here. And despite what she had thought before, she wasn't devastated because of this. In fact, she was quite calm.
She wasn't content in this marriage anymore anyway. If she finally ended it because of Linden, she at least had a good reason.
Still, there would be problems. But for once, Seraphina allowed herself to postpone reacting to what would happen now. She just wanted to relax for the moment and worry after. So, she closed her eyes and rested her head on Linden's shoulder as she allowed herself to bask in his presence. It felt right like this.
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