《Imagine Being a Rare》MMS 57. The Inescapable Crab Bucket

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All that was an unreachable dream, like promising gear that avoids a botched substat roll. Novas and whatever it was foreigners did, ults maybe, supers, overdrives, master breaks, who knows, tore up the countryside of beautiful Beruvia and less beautiful Dovesk to an extent that led to mild but increasing concern.

“We do have to replace all of this later,” Eten pointed out as he ran with the wild hunt. “It won't be a problem if we draft everyone who's adding to the damage, but . . .”

“Don't worry, Master Eten! I'm writing down all their names!” Skaya waved a notepad in the air. Seeing that, some of the participants hurried to cover their faces and back away from the ruckus, but only a few.

“That's a good point, Eten. This may have gone far enough. Hey guys, what do you think about just breaking the Frame Vacuum?” Cadmos directed the question at his Team Generic pals, though he had a pretty good idea what they thought about it.

“Break something, you say? I would love to.” Solemn Declaration's statement doubled as permission for Cadmos, Hemt T. Elf, Ben I. Sloup, Burmin Trivvis, Ulrik, and Saptres Muria to lift him up and use his broad side to batter their way through the crowd toward the center where Ragnel and Michio Furukawa each had two hands on the Frame Vacuum and zero inclination to share.

If it were that easy, somebody would have taken uncontested possession by then. A Haetae-class destroyer's missiles gouged craters in the ground disruptive enough for Hemt and Burmin to fail in their footing and fall behind their centaur bulwark, lost in the general press. The rest of the bland gang tried to press forward, but “to try” and “to do” have separate entries in the dictionary for reasons other than padding. Weakened by the loss of four hands, they lost their grip so that Solemn Declaration hit the ground and rolled forward, knocking over Serdons and Uryeongs as he went.

Lynissia demonstrated her superior awareness then as never before except for those times she predicted all the seasonal alts when she swiveled, readied her mighty sign, and batted Solemn Declaration back at Team Generic with such strength as to make it difficult to evade his great bulk. “Launch us!” Saptres Muria yelled, and without even an exhortation to believe in themselves and each other, Cadmos unleashed the powerful move known as Sky-Rivaling Blade. His Skill Star recognized no such attack, but the butts of his friends did. The sky had to acknowledge its authenticity as well when they flew through it at an impressive velocity. Saptres Muria landed right on Lynissia, flattening her and leaving Ben and Ulrik within mischief range of Michio Furukawa and Ragnel's stalemate.

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“Sky-Rivaling Blade but different!” Ulrik's flashing scimitar imitated the practiced sword of Cadmos as well as its wielder could manage given his lack of training for a thousand years in a weapon-based fighter, which was not very well at all. Even so, he managed to flip the Frame Vacuum straight up in the air. Characters converged on the location to try catching it as if their wedding hopes were on the line. Less than a year to the next bridal event, ladies! Rather than wait for that, Ben I. Sloup knelt, aimed his rifle, and vaporized the object of controversy.

“Aw,” the crowd lamented.

“Solemn Declaration had the right idea about breaking stuff. I think I'll go break Hot Air Hank next as a punishment for whatever he did wrong.” Ulrik strode southward for a couple steps before Hemt dragged him back.

“Old inventors aren't worth much in a fight when you watch black-and-white serials, but the thing to remember is that we're a gacha game and he's a four-star. He'll hollow you out and use you as an experimental flesh balloon if you try it.”

“Again the tyranny of numbers oppresses us. Why do we permit them to exist?” Ulrik shook his scimitar eastward toward Enzet where he presumed numbers originated along with noted number-tallier Zimley Boe.

“I just don't know, Ulrik. There's probably a reason. You all did a great job regardless.” Cadmos took a deep breath in preparation to address the officers present. “I used to think like you. I wanted to be faster, stronger, and more respected. That was about one minute ago. But I realized something. It isn't being strong that matters.”

Mysterious Paranormal Investigator from Afterschool Hunters consulted the nearest character he knew to be a local. “Is this the moral? Do we have to listen? I don't want to be rude.”

“It is customary to do so, though there is certainly no obligation,” Hilliarde Feablas informed him.

“Got it. I'll stick around then.”

“Over these past few months, we've trained hard. Not just those of us chosen to represent Commandment of Hero in our upcoming spinoff, either. No, all of us together learned about other games, about teamwork, and about friendship. That's why I'm proud to be able to call Hemt, Ben, Burmin, Saptres, and Ulrik my friends, and Ostros too, despite some compelling evidence. It's because of them that I was able to learn from them the most important thing of all. Which is that completely degenerate playstyles are a lot of fun, and also that the reason designers keep going back to generic, vaguely handsome characters is because we really are the best.” Cadmos raised a triumphant fist along with his bland bros. They dared anyone to contest their mastery over all gacha games.

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“The contents of that speech differed from what the introduction prepared me to expect, but I concur with every point made,” said Rein Weissmuller, the presumably non-ugly focus character of Furious Galaxy's Steinrich Republic story segments. He and Vice President Lane, the merely presentable main character of the Security half of Convergence/Divergence, nodded and raised their fists as well, followed by a great many, or rather exceedingly many, just far too many characters in the audience. Then they did the wave, and never has an ocean of water true outdone their performance.

Captain Hwanimesca, however, scowled and kept her hands at her sides in non-fist configurations. “The blandos are getting uppity again. Somebody needs to teach them a lesson.”

“Speaking of lessons.” Marileanna broke away from the mob and joined Cadmos on the speaker's mound of dirt which Team Generic had heaped up for him during his address. “I learned something too. The old officers and the new officers have a lot to learn from each other. I shouldn't look down on anyone just because of a release date.”

“Did you ever do that? I don't think you did. You have Clazdius Oranio and Flawless Pedigree right there.”

“Tiboleus, who do you think is going to listen to you?” General Anstralia's question silenced Tiboleus the Experimenter. He retreated into his mind to search every corner for a reasonable answer.

Bel Felicitous Fasde came up next. “If this experience has taught me anything, it's that you should never let shame stop you from asking for help.”

“I learned that villains have things stolen from them sometimes,” Waltzing Matilda contributed.

Aerywe put her arm around Gaelvry's shoulder. “I have come to realize that outnumbering the enemy two to one is highly desirable.”

Gradis P. Dorenz bounded up on the mound. “It's clear to me now that a niche audience is an audience still.” Alongside him, Lynissia nodded.

“I finally realized how crucial it is to maintain proper comportment, no matter the genre,” declared Darlotte Glofal as she took her place beside the others.

Duelist Theena also joined them. “Magnets are useful for certain things.”

Last of all, Cloton Zvolo ran up with all the energy he customarily exhibited on stage which reporters on the music beat attributed to questionable substances. Serdon Miloz tried to tell them his bandmate was just like that, but they liked their version more. “And you know what I learned? Don't spend your precious hours worrying about your popularity, because it isn't how popular people say you are that matters. It's how popular you actually are.”

“What great, heartfelt statements you all made. I'm really impressed by your conviction, courage, and eloquence.” Cadmos saluted his Struggling peers.

“OK, I've decided the answer to who's going to listen to me is nobody, but I still don't see how any of that is a change from before except maybe for Waltzing Matilda. I mean, Bel Felicitous Fasde, you once asked me to show you how I get my lens so shiny.” Just as Tiboleus predicted, nobody listened to him.

“Is it over?” asked Mysterious Paranormal Investigator, but before Hilliarde Feablas could respond that he believed such to be the case, somebody appeared who made it not over when otherwise it would have been just as Hilliarde thought it was.

“I was told the larger part of Afterschool Hunters had come here. I see that information was not false. Progress is therefore possible.”

“Metatron!” With their latest toy destroyed, the eager masses looked upon that crusader as if he were an angel, which was easy to do given the facts as they stood. More than that, they hoped he had brought some fun with him.

“I require advice about how to kill ghosts.” That sounded like a good start.

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