The sound of Christmas music drifted through the open door of a business across the alley. Its cheerful beat and sentiments brought Jack's mood down more than it already was.

Christmas was such a hassle. The obligation of gifts and cards followed by a neutral thank you for something he never asked for nor wanted made the season so much worse. It was one holiday after the other. One obligation after the other with no viable excuse for escape.

Paired with his chaotic dating life, it wouldn't be until some time next year that he'd be able to breathe again. He sighed to himself as he followed Kieran through the backdoor. He didn't know what he'd do if Kieran had anything special planned.

"I'm gonna hole up in the study for a while," he said as he rubbed his fingers on the edges of his sleeves. He clenched his hands and stuffed them into his pockets. There was already one loose thread he'd started picking at, he didn't need to completely destroy his new coat with his habits.

Even if it meant he'd have an excuse to get a new coat that might be more him. And back into his "street urchin chic." He could also let his hair grow out again, get back into some oversized clothes, and go back to hiding from life in general.

He frowned at the floor. There was no reason to hide anymore. Of course there were other vampires out there, but the worst one he'd met was dead and gone. Hiding his scent was his best defense, and he'd still managed to attract one.

He looked up and ran his eyes over the back of Kieran's head. He'd been targeted to make Keiran jealous. That had to be something going in his favor.

"I'll make dinner," Kieran offered as he headed up the stairs. He paused and glanced around the stairwell with narrowed eyes before dismissively shaking his head. "Is chicken alright?"

"Not ordering in?" Which was worse?

"I thought a home cooked meal would help ease your tension." Kieran turned and looked down at Jack. "Or would you prefer the ramen? I suppose something familiar would be more comforting," he reluctantly added.

Jack's stomach did a tiny flip. His cheap ramen might be comforting in its familiarity, but it was also a reminder of how useless he could be and how depressing his life had been. "Maybe? I dunno. Chicken does sound nice. Do I get to request pasta?"

Kieran nodded.

"Cool. Chicken pasta…thing. Pesto?"

Kieran crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. "I have pine nuts and basil, so yes."

Jack kept his mouth shut, fighting against the curiosity. He already admitted to not knowing what a trellis was. Pine nuts and basil had to have something to do with pesto. Basil was green. He bit at his lip as Kieran raised a brow at him.

He refused to enter the trap. "My database, your database, whatever. It's being buggy, so I figured I'd get mad at it for a while," he said, proud of himself for sidestepping whatever hole he'd dug for himself.

"Wouldn't you rather distract yourself from negative feelings?"

Sidestepping one hole, just to fall into another… "At least I know for sure that if I'm mad at something I programmed, it's my own damn fault."

Kirean pushed off the wall and continued up the stairs. "It may be my own biases, but I do believe Augustin is firmly at fault here."

"Oh, yeah?"

Kieran glanced back at Jack and entered the apartment, leaving the door open. "Yes."

"Yeah, that's what I thought." They would have to have a serious talk once Jack was in a better place. A swift wave of nausea brought with it a handful of second thoughts. "Reminder: I'm not a fucking joint, and I'm not into that."

"And I'm not particularly keen on sharing, my sweet siren," Kieran replied. He waited for Jack to cross the threshold before leaning in close to reach over and close the door. "Reminder: 'my' is a possessive pronoun."

Jack swallowed, eyes wide and cheeks impossibly hot. "As long as you don't start calling me a smoothie, we're good," he said, voice and chest tight. "Um, and not 'darling.' Auggie called me that."

Kieran's jaw tightened, and he let out an annoyed sigh and straightened. "Must we continue to speak of him? I'd rather not have him sullying this night further. I was much happier with him being out of sight and out of mind."

Any good mood that had been floating in the air was thoroughly squashed. "Right. Well, I'm gonna be out of sight until summoned by the smell of food." Mostly, he just wanted an excuse to be left alone without anyone worrying about him. Being away from Kieran's irritation was also on his to-do list. Staring at lines of code was as good of an excuse as any.

"I'm sorry, sweet thing," Kieran said. "This is…" He broke off with a heavy sigh, shaking his head. "I'll deal with it later."

Jack had a feeling that Kieran's life revolved around "later." He should know, he was guilty of it himself. Everyone's barely hidden frustration with him made so much more sense. He wanted Kieran to be better, to do better.

He needed to get better himself and ease his friends' worries.

But what was the point? He was useless and meaningless in the grand scheme of things. His life didn't really mean much to others, so why fight it?

He pulled out his phone and made a note about his thoughts before glancing through his other notes. Pointless, useless, stay put, don't go to college, friends are fake and don't like him. Each word stabbed him in the gut. He felt each and every insecurity on a base level even with proof that said otherwise. He could just barely remember a time when it was just a basic anxiety that he could push through on his own, but now it was like a bloody fight to the death to make any headway.

He stuck his phone back into his pocket and turned his gaze to watch Kieran pulling out ingredients from the pantry. If he was so useless and annoying, then why was Kieran bothering to keep him around? Even without the promise of a few drops of blood, Kieran had made the move to keep Jack safe, to rescue him, to hold onto him.

He headed to the study. Both he and Kieran needed their own distractions, and he was fine with that.

His phone pinged as he sat down at the desk. If his friends didn't like him, then why did they keep in touch?

got a doggo ur my emergency contact

also RAID in 5!!!

Maybe he should get a dog or a cat or something. Or maybe a Tamagotchi and see how well he did with that first. He shook the thought away as memories of a keychain with a little pixelated angel floating to pixel Heaven surfaced. That was even before Farragut got to him, so how bad would he be at taking care of another living being in his present state?

im not wakn ur dog