Have you ever regretted something almost instantly? Like saying “you too” to the waiter when they say to enjoy your meal? I was having one of those moments. My situation was a little…. How to say this right? Spicy? Extreme? Over-the-fucking-top?

There is this funny thing about the human body you see, it has what is called a “self preservation” instinct. That is to say it does not react kindly to self-inflicted damage, especially lethal damage like, oh I don’t know, cutting your own throat. While stabbing my own neck was not the most painful thing that has happened to me so far, I couldn’t even give it an SPU rating because the mental burden of what I’d just done was many, MANY times greater than what others had put me through during the tests. Add on top of that the fact that despite this feeling I followed through after the initial stab and continued to cut my whole ass throat, and I had a fucking panic attack stronger than the pain in my neck.

Even better, not a hint of this was allowed to show on my face. I was looking May dead in her eyes. Everything I was doing would be pointless if I showed sheer panic and fear after what I had done. I had to remain solid, firm, and steady.

But meanwhile in my head…

‘Holy fuck what is wrong with me?!!!!!!!!!!!’

I just cut my throat to prove I’m ok, I’m off my damn rocker; my marbles are gone; the fucking intrusive thoughts won in spectacular fashion.

For fucks sake, she just wouldn’t let go of my arm. This is the equivalent of detonating a bomb because someone insulted your mom. When did I get so extreme?!

All of this was passing through my mind as chaos was erupting around me. People were screaming and many had fled the table to get further away from the psychopath that stabbed himself. Shit was strewn all over the floor. Jullian was having a more intense panic attack than me and his hands gripping the table turned said table into powder. Kristen looked shocked and for the first time ever that I had seen, 100% lost on what to do.

And then there was May. Dear god it must look like I just killed myself to her. There's also this funny thing about stabbing an artery and that is that it kind of sprays blood out, and the hole I made (with a knife) was facing May. She suddenly had some new makeup in a sickening and shiny crimson color.

She looked like she was going to cry or scream any second, and that would be a perfectly reasonable reaction. Despite this she had not made a sound yet which was almost more concerning.

Then her eyes went a little blank and her face stopped twitching. It took me a good second to realize she had fainted. Of all of the ways she could have reacted, that was the best one. Now she would not have to be conscious for this shit show, and now I was allowed to fully go into panic mode.

I maintained my cool for the 3 seconds it took to gently removed her arms from mine, place her upper body gently on the table, and then I allowed myself to freak the fuck out.

I started crying and scratching at my throat that was healing around the fucking collar, trying to stop the regeneration from first healing me and THEN pushing out the foreign object causing double mental damage. After the collar was firmly out of the way I started hacking up blood and focused on healing like I did when the officer split my jaw. I sat curled on the floor coughing and crying as my throat re-healed. I know I’ve mentioned this a few times now, but my world is going at .25 speed. I am living through my own dumb fuckery in slow mo.

Julian finally jumped up and came over to my side on the floor. While I appreciate the gesture, 2 idiots panicking on the floor does not make a better scene than 1 idiot panicking on the floor.

I focused strongly on my regeneration and tried to block everything else out. Just like last time this sped the process up tremendously and the wound closed up over the next few grueling seconds.

By the time it had stopped gushing blood and I looked up I was surrounded by soldiers, friends, and oddly enough scribbles with a little glowing projection on his shoulder. Guess the goddess came to watch me met out my own punishment, should be a solid show.

Nobody was moving, but a lot of people had hands on their weapons. Not everyone saw what happened clearly and all they knew was that the heretic grabbed a knife and now there was blood everywhere. I sat in the middle of them, dumbfounded by my stupidity and feeling something welling up in my eyes. The stress of the tests, my immediate condemnation as a heretic, the pain and the pure humiliation and shock at what I had just done; all of the mental burden I’d been carrying cracked all at once and I started to cry.

It’s hard to explain but I think everyone knows the difference between letting go of a few tears and actually crying. I really started to let go, sobbing and hiccuping, everything became blurry and I started to curl up.

Big man over here, proving his point with a knife but not emotionally stable enough to handle the aftermath. At that point in time I was thinking nothing and just finally letting myself feel the grief at my lost dignity, freedom, and stable mind. I don’t know how long I lay there sobbing, but it was at least a few minutes, and no one tried to interrupt.

When the sobs settled into whimpers and the tears started to dry I could finally see around me. The soldiers/guards were still there, but their hands were off their weapons and they looked, for some reason, like they felt guilty.

Julian was still on his knees next to where I was curled up, his hands sort of drifting in the air. He didn’t seem to know what to do with them. It looked like when his eyes met mine he wanted to come in for a hug but he stopped himself short and went back to fumbling his fingers. Looks like he doesn’t want to crush me with his hug, I could have used it though, even if it was a little crushing.

Scribbles and the goddess were no longer there. They must have left while I was bawling.

Kristen approached slowly and went for one of those incredibly awkward side hugs. Her eyes kept flicking to the pool of blood on the floor and the stains around my throat. She looked scared and confused, but she still tried to comfort me in her own way.

May was still passed out, now on the floor. Looks like I wasn’t so careful placing her as I had thought. She was drenched in blood and no one had really moved since I collapsed so no one had checked on her yet.

“Kristen.”

My voice sounded cracked and dry despite all of my damage having been regenerated.

“Y… yeah Tony?”

“Please check on May, I’m fine.”

She looked at me with more concern than I thought she was capable of.

“No… no you’re not Tony.”

I gave an incredibly hollow chuckle.

“I’m fine physically. May fell, please check her for me.”

People started to move around as I began to talk. Some of the soldiers and a priest from the practice field went to May to check her health. The guards slowly peeled Kristen off of me and helped Julian to his feet. No one tried to pick me up, the guards stood around awkwardly not knowing what to do.

While the situation was calming down, who else but the prince wanders in. Altru looked flustered, he approached me like someone might approach a wounded animal. The soldiers shifted nervously when he got close but didn’t say anything.

He got himself down to my level by taking a knee in front of me on the floor covered in blood.

“Tony I…. fuck.”

He broke off not even able to finish as he looked at me, I must have been an absolute mess. I probably should have gotten up from the floor to greet the prince. But, beyond my loathing for him, I just had zero energy. I couldn’t get up, nor did I want to. I felt exhausted. Altru was showing a rare expression of something close to sympathy. It looked odd on his face.

“Tony. Let's get you to a bed.”

He motioned to a soldier to pick me up and, in a princess carry, the soldier hoisted me up and followed without complaint. Others tried to follow, but the prince waved them off.

We proceeded through the quiet halls in silence for a while, the only sound the boots of the prince and the soldier. After we had some distance between us and the dining hall Altru finally spoke in a quiet voice.

“Tony, how old are you?”

“21.”

I just decided to answer honestly, I had no energy for anything else.

“Tony, have you ever been in combat?”

“No.”

“Have you ever been part of an emergency that involved life or death?”

“No.”

“Have you ever had anyone depend on you for their life?”

“No.”

He looked at me with tired eyes while we continued a slow but steady space.

“You know, I sometimes forget how young the lot of you are. It’s obvious for people like Julian, he has a timid heart, that one. But people like May and Bobby seem so much older than they are. You seemed that way too Tony.

You might have been hard pressed under your circumstances but you kept up a steady stream of sarcasm and bitter humor. I guess that…. that’s the reason I forgot you came from a land of nothing but peace and plenty. That you’re barely even an adult in your world.”

Altru was now staring forward. His back straight and his eyes hardened.

“Tony, this world is cruel. I’m sure you know that better than anyone by now. We’ve been punishing you by our standards. What’s more, we punished you like some hardened vet, like the people summoned here in the past, the ones who came willingly ready to get knee deep in blood on a battlefield. That wasn’t fair. You’re not a soldier, and while Jessica might not like you it’s hard to say the punishment fits the crime when she won’t even tell us what you did wrong, and I can’t take any of it back.”

Only a single phrase came to me, it didn’t say nearly enough, yet it said it all.

“Too late now.”

Altru’s voice dropped lower, barely audible.

“I know.”

He didn’t say anything else after that. He didn’t say sorry, he didn’t ask for forgiveness. He just told the broken young man covered in his own blood that he had been too harsh, that he had forgotten how weak we were, how young.

Somehow, I knew that was the best he could do.