[ZERO SPACE]

Zydan’s invisible fist bashed Bez’s belly.

Bez fell with a broken jaw, a dislocated shoulder, and a herniated vertebrae.

“RAVE REVIVE!”

Bez un-busted.

“Thanks Mister Auron,” said Bez, tap dancing.

“Eh, gotta keep you on your feet, kid,” said Auron. “It’s just me and you on heals now.”

“I’m not a kid, Mister Auron!” said Bez. “And I’m running low on heals. It might just be you soon.”

“Eh, I hope not,” said Auron. “I hate it when people rely on me.”

KABLAM

Zydan emerged in an explosion of emerald particles. Rain rippled beneath his feet, washing away mud and blood.

“Well, that was fun,” said Zydan. “Two more of you down, the rest of you injured. I’d call that a success!”

“Disagree,” said Bowman. “You should have killed everyone while you were invisible. You’re arrogant.”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “But good news! This ability recharges while it’s active. I can simply spam it again.”

Zydan spread his four arms in preparation for his next disappearing act.

“SPECTATE!!!”

Zydan stood petrified in place.

“Strange, let’s try this again,” said Zydan. “SPECTATE!!!”

Again, nothing.

“Wait,” said Zydan. “Something’s wrong.”

Shae rose in silence, Asira by his side –

“W-What is this?” asked Zydan. “What did you do?”

Dane and Lanzer crept across the tower –

Zydan fingered his palm menu, whipping windows up and down.

“My ability, Spectate,” said Zydan. “It’s on cooldown. Infinite cooldown. I-It’s never going to recharge.”

Zydan’s six eyes tracked his seven opponents.

“This is your doing,” said Zydan. “But how? Are all my abilities –”

Bowman launched an arrow –

Zydan

The tower grew silent. Stormwater funneled through cobblestone canals, flowing like floss through parapet teeth. Thunder thumped the tower. Timid winds jostled Zydan’s blue cloak.

“My health,” said Zydan. “I’m vulnerable. I-I don’t understand –”

“SUBTLE SLASH!!”

“FURY STRIKES!”

Lanzer’s claw drew first blood.

Dane’s fists drew second blood.

Zydan

“TRANSLATION!!” yelled Zydan.

Wild winds dragged Dane and Lanzer to the tower’s tip.

“N-No,” said Zydan. “Translation also has infinite cooldown. H-How did you do this? What have you done?”

Bez placed his mouth too close to his microphone.

“That’s what you get for messing with the Feather Birds!” yelled Bez. “Erm, I mean, Deadly Skulls!”

Auron rubbed rainwater from his sailor suit.

“Eh, he’s still got a ton of health though,” said Auron.

Shae posed with both pistols.

“That’s a solvable problem,” said Shae. “CLEAVER SHOT!!”

Piercing Shot + Rapid Shot.

Ten thousand bullets burrowed through Zydan’s body, tapping every bone like a xylophone and playing each of his organs.

Zydan

Zydan choked up blood and several bullets.

“Not bad, Shae,” said Zydan. “You should come work for me. ALIGNMENT SHIFT!!”

A green ring shackled Shae’s ankles.

“Kill your friends,” said Zydan.

Shae dropped his guns, raising his dukes.

“What are you doing?” asked Zydan. “I said, kill your friends!”

“I will,” said Shae. “You didn’t specify how.”

“With your guns!” shouted Zydan.

“Oh, gotcha.”

Shae scooped up both guns, charging at Bowman.

“No!” screeched Zydan. “Now what are you doing?”

“I’m going to beat Bowman to death,” said Shae.

“They’re projectile weapons, you buffoon!” shouted Zydan.

“Projectiles?” asked Shae. “Got it!”

Shae threw both guns – Bowman ducked.

“No!” shouted Zydan. “Arggghhhhh –”

“Bowman!” said Shae. “Subdue me!”

Eager to grant Shae’s request, Bowman batted Shae’s legs out from under him, then straddled his shoulders.

“Urk,” said Shae. “Bowman, you don’t gotta subdue me that hard.”

“Disagree,” said Bowman. “Easier to shoot like this.”

Bowman released one arrow –

Zydan

Two arrows –

Zydan

Three arrows!

Zydan

“Enough of this!” roared Zydan.

Four arrows.

Zydan

Zydan ripped an arrow from his Adam’s apple.

“Fine then,” said Zydan. “If I can only use each ability one more time, then I’ll make it count. HEALTH BAR OF FATE!”

Shae

Shae squirmed below Bowman.

“Shit,” said Shae. “Shit shit –”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “You’re in deep shit now.”

Bez scratched at his golden microphone.

“Poor Mister Shae!” said Bez. “We have to do something!”

“Eh, we have to stay back and heal,” said Auron.

“But I’m almost out of EP!” said Bez. “We have to whittle Zydan’s health down! Every blow counts!”

“Eh, whittle with what?” asked Auron. “Your microphone? My lollipop? They’re barely weapons.”

Bez eyed Zydan –

Zydan’s lower left wrist rapped upon his waist. At the end of each finger lay a large brass ring, as bright and round as the moon itself.

Auron stuffed his sucker through pursed lips.

“We were made to be healers,” said Auron. “You oughta get that through your thick little head –”

Bez gasped –

“I see it!” said Bez.

“Eh, see what?”

Bez hunched on his haunches, stretching out his quads.

“Kid,” said Auron. “You’re up to something. And I don’t like it.”

“I can do it, Mister Auron,” said Bez. “I can save Shae. I can save everyone!”

“Eh, I don’t like where this is going,” said Auron.

Shae

Zydan watched Asira and Dane with three eyes each.

“This particular health bar will deplete twice as fast,” said Zydan.

Zydan clobbered Asira and Dane with two arms each.

“Shae, I hoped you would die last,” said Zydan. “But if this must be my final Health Bar of Fate, then this is fate indeed.”

Bez bolted across the battlefield –

Shae

Zydan caught Lanzer’s claw, countering with a cranial club.

“Such a shame I must end this battle prematurely,” said Zydan. “But a great designer always adapts.”

Shae shoved against Bowman’s shins.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “Bowman, let me get another shot off before I die.”

Bowman sat firm on his ribs.

“Not with that green ring-thing around your feet,” said Bowman.

Zydan roared uproariously.

“With you gone Shae, no one can stop me,” said Zydan. “I will emerge victorious. The god of this world –”

Bez’s teeth clamped across Zydan’s fingers.

“Ow!” Zydan shouted. “Little worm –”

Zydan

Zydan seized Bez by the throat.

“You dare bite the hand of a god, healer?” asked Zydan. “Did you expect that to do anything?”

“I wasn’t after your hand, Mister Zydan,” said Bez. “I was after your weapon.”

“I have no weapon,” said Zydan. “Little idiot –”

“Oh yeah?” asked Bez. “Then what are these?”

Bez grinned with a mouthful of rings.

Zydan’s six eyes widened.

“What?” asked Zydan. “How did you –”

“Weapons don’t have to look like weapons,” said Bez. “It’s just like my microphone. Or Mister Auron’s lollipop!”

Bez spat Zydan’s rings off the tower’s edge.

“No!” yelled Zydan. “You little gremlin!”

The health bar vanished from Shae’s head, as did the green halo around Shae’s feet.

Shae peeked out from between Bowman’s knees.

“Holy shit, Bez,” said Shae. “No fucking way.”

Bowman crossed his arms.

“Impressive,” said Bowman. “He actually did something useful for once.”

“That’s right!” said Bez. “Without your weapons, you can’t use your abilities! Take that, Mister Zydan!”

With a furious roar, Zydan hoisted Bez into the air –

“Wait!” shouted Auron. “Kid, no!”

Zydan tore Bez in two.

TEAM 1: The Deadly Skulls

Shae Lanzer Umi Asira Chief Bander Dalli DangerFace869 Bowman Wagger Janzo Tambien Auron Parper Kezzle Bez

TEAM 2: Zero Space Gods

Zydan --- --- ---

[THE HAVEN]

Bez unfastened his headset, setting it on his desk. His big hero moment had finally arrived; he should be celebrating. Laughing. Cheering! The forums would be discussing his actions for days. Weeks, maybe! But instead, he felt nothing. His character was gone. That cool dragonoid he always wanted to be, would never be again.

Glossy poster eyes watched him from the walls. Influencers. Havencasters. Popstars. Each observed him in silent judgment. Now he’d never walk among their pantheon. Tears fell upon his mousepad and desk mounted microphone. His quest for glory was over. What was the point of anything now? What could he possibly aspire to –

*Ding*

Bez glanced up –

A chat notification.

*Ding Ding*

Multiple notifications.

*Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding –*

Bez flipped open a chat window:

LIVE

VIEWERS: 3487

WATERFELON3: where our Hero at

PUPPOIDDOGMA: BEZ BEZ BEZ

SUKMYHUTS_24: you did it little guy

FLOOR4LIFER: i missed it what happened

BRUTOIDDAD_55: Greetings from YuXhorSuX_188 stream!

UNDERWARRIOR_69: lets goooooo

NOTANENFORCER_132: made me a Bezliever

MOONMASK_84: YuXhor legion here

POMPCORN_14: damn Bez owned that f****r

AuraGent_8, ZayderHater and 393 others are typing…

Bez choked – over three thousand people watched his stream; that was three thousand more than ever before. And they were all chatting, waiting for their hero to return.

Bez fumbled with his headphones and dragged down his mounted microphone. If all those people were there for him, he’d be there for them too.

“Hey there Bez fans!” said Bez. “This is Bez. Aspiring rap superstar and Deadly Skulls healer!”

Bez wiped away a single tear.

“I’ll be here every day, chatting with you all about my adventures with the Deadly Skulls. Ask me anything…”

[ZERO SPACE]

Auron’s boot nudged Bez’s lower half.

“Eh, that’s bad,” said Auron. “I didn’t want to be the last healer left.”

Zydan booted Bez’s upper half.

“How frustrating,” said Zydan. “The little whelp interrupted my ability. But he made a fatal mistake.”

Zydan unfurled his pinky finger, revealing one more smooth brass ring.

“He didn’t get them all,” said Zydan.

Bowman stood.

“Shae,” said Bowman. “Get your guns.”

Shae slid along slick stone, scooping up both pistols.

“PIERCING SHOT!!!”

The bullet that emerged was ten times the size of Shae and five times the size of Zydan. Asira and Lanzer dove in different directions as it streaked across the rooftop, creating a wind tunnel that tunneled through the wind itself –

“ASSET BROWSE!!!”

A barrier of bread unfolded like a fisherman’s net, catching the bullet between crispy ridges. Golden flakes shed from the shield’s surface, leaking beads of brown sap. Sweet maple air battered the battlefield in a buttery glaze.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “The fuck is that? You just blocked a level three!”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “NPC abilities always trump equivalent player abilities.”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” said Lanzer. “You kinda just used a Breakfast Barrier! That move got cut ages ago, just like the Waffle Goblin boss that used it!”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “This Asset Browse ability lets me access any ability from any NPC.”

“Wow wow wow,” said Lanzer. “That’s super overpowered.”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “ And the best part - the recharge time is absurdly low. Seems like your agent on the outside missed a spot.”

Zydan slipped off his pinky ring.

“And before you go conspiring against me again –” said Zydan.

Zydan swallowed his final ring, choking it down with a few hearty slaps to his chest.

“Good luck getting that out of me,” said Zydan. “I won’t be interrupted again.”

Dane poked Shae’s shoulder.

“I can give him the heimlich,” said Dane. “I’m trained in CPR.”

“You can’t heimlich a brutoid,” said Shae.

Asira spun her swords.

“We’ll cut through him!” said Asira.

“You can’t cut through a brutoid,” said Shae. “Well, not that brutoid. We’re not getting inside him –”

“Disagree,” said Bowman. “Use Pause Shot. Reach your arm in there and –”

“First of all, gross,” Shae interrupted. “And second, no. I’ve got five fucking SP left. Zydan can move during Pause Shot. He did it in the Dragon Shield dungeon.”

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “So good of you to remember. Such minor moves won’t work on deities like me.”

Zydan placed all four hands against his hips.

“And while we’re at it –” said Zydan. “ASSET BROWSE!”

Clouds crumbled beneath a colossal foot, higher than three Stone Towers stacked together. The foot gave Zydan a sole-crushing stomp, jamming him into jelly.

But then those ten toes rose, rendering Zydan anew. He waved to the foot as it returned to heel heaven.

Zydan

The Deadly Skulls unleashed a collective gasp.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “What the actual fuck?”

“It’s an ancient Angel Titan technique,” said Zydan. “Heel Heal. All your progress, suddenly undone!”

Silence befell the battlefield, sans Zydan’s hysterical laughter. Storm clouds smothered the sky, covering the rooftop in a thick blanket of rain.

Shae sank back into Asira’s arms.

Dane and Lanzer gaped.

Bowman lowered his bow. Arrows fell from his tilted quiver, bouncing and rolling across the flooded floor. His dark eyes aimed down, defeated and desolate.

“This is impossible,” said Bowman. “We can’t win this.”

He strapped his bow across his shoulders.

“Hold up,” said Shae. “It’s not over –”

“Disagree,” said Bowman. “We were fools to agree to this. You’ve doomed us all.”

“Please Bowman,” said Asira. “We have to try –”

“There’s no point,” said Bowman.

Bowman lurched towards the tower’s lip.

“I’m going out on my own terms –”

Lanzer slapped Bowman with his only hand.

“Bowman Bowman Bowman!” said Lanzer. “Shut up!”

Lanzer grabbed him by the quiver.

“Remember what you said to me?” asked Lanzer. “Back in the Glitch Man forest?”

He flashed a mouthful of fishy fangs.

“Zero Space has some fucked up monsters,” said Lanzer. “But monsters can be killed. That’s kinda the rule.”

Zydan unleashed a lengthy laugh.

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “But I am beyond rules.”

“Nope nope nope,” said Lanzer. “You follow rules. Just different rules.”

“You think you can beat me Lanzer?” asked Zydan. “You’ve never been able to beat me.”

Zydan cracked all twenty knuckles.

“I still remember you from the dev floor,” said Zydan. “A useless QA tester. You asked to help me with design. I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyone’s help!”

Zydan’s four fists folded.

“You’ll always be a lowly QA Tester,” said Zydan. “You’ll never be better than me –”

“I didn’t want to be better than you, Zydan,” said Lanzer. “I just wanted to be like you!”

Zydan fell silent.

“I looked up to you!” said Lanzer. “You were a jerk. You were mean! But I kinda respected you. And then you stomped on me.”

Lanzer bared his barracuda teeth.

“I’ll never forgive you,” said Lanzer. “But you’re right about one thing. I’m not good at making up game rules. I’m much better at breaking them.”

Zydan hooted.

“Indeed,” said Zydan. “Well come on then, tester. Test your luck!”

Lanzer placed a hand on Shae’s shoulder.

“Shae Shae Shae,” said Lanzer. “It’s been a pleasure working with you. Best of luck in your future endeavors!”

“Hold up,” said Shae. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Just distract him for a few minutes,” said Lanzer. “Bye bye bye.”

[THE HAVEN]

Lanzer yanked off his headset, chucking it into a scrapyard of empty cans. Pain shot through the bandaged stump below his shoulder.

“Ow ow ow,” said Lanzer. “Fudge!”

He clutched his missing arm, coffee bean eyes bounding across boxes, papers, and boxes full of paper.

“Okay okay okay,” said Lanzer, chugging a half-empty can of Energy Space. “Where is it? Where is it?”

Lanzer tore through desk drawers, contributing their contents to the surrounding clutter. Sealed action figures and used tissues scattered like celebratory confetti as Lanzer tunneled through trash.

“Come on, come on, come on,” said Lanzer.

In a bottom-most shelf in the furthest corner, a keycard lay stationary - a thin plastic rectangle with the ID James Marson. It looked good as new, aside from the long-gone expiration date, a sticky soda stain and some bite marks around the edges.

“No one ever collected my back-up badge,” said Lanzer. “Dumb dumb dumb.”

***

*BEEP*

Lanzer pried open the dev floor door. Rows of dark cubicles lined the frigid halls like display cases in a condemned museum. This place always creeped him out after hours. Anything could be lurking in those shadowy corners. Murderers. monsters. Or maybe a combination, like Zydan.

And yet, there was a certain nostalgia to all the tortuous hours he spent here. Each long sleepless night of mandatory overtime came packaged with pleasant hallucinations. A lifetime supply of energy drinks created a lifelong addiction to them. Part of him longed to return here. Ditch his ambitions, and accept a cushy QA Tester life of floor forty six servitude.

But no –

That bridge was burned.

It was time to burn the rest of it down.

Lanzer tip-toed across the darkened dev floor; each toe-tip produced a resounding thump. Stealth and speed were better left to his virtual persona. His eyes bounced between empty cubicles; he hadn’t seen this place so empty since that one time Zydan microwaved old fish. Or that other time Zydan microwaved old fish. All Lanzer needed was one free computer. Just a single careless dev in too much of a rush to lock their screen.

And there it was –

Coder Joe’s cubicle. That was unusual - Coder Joe must have been in a real hurry. Three thirty-six inch monitors stood lit and promiscuous, luring Lanzer’s loving keystrokes. Lanzer shuffled over to it, tossing his keycard across the keyboard as he fell across a torn leather chair.

Coder Joe had a thousand windows open - scripts, editors, and scripting editors. But Lanzer needed just one. A single dev tool to solve all his problems –

The Asset Locator tool.

What Lanzer planned was daring. In fact, it was downright dangerous. In his dev days, it would have gotten him fired. Nowadays, it would get him executed.

He accessed the Asset Locator tool, typing in a specific search criteria:

.pak + Search by All NPCs

A little loading bar appeared, followed by a squashed pop-up:

1026 Files Found

Lanzer selected Select All.

Hundreds of text strings highlighted - thousands of NPC Abilities, now within Lanzer’s mercy.

Lanzer brought his finger all the way up –

And then brought it all the way down –

DELETE

Lanzer exhaled –

It was nearly done.

Lanzer opened a window called Changelist. Within lay a legion of deleted enemy abilities, all lined up for execution. Once all files finished loading in, one press of the Commit button would pull the trigger.

But in the meantime, there was something else he could do.

Lanzer reached into his right pocket, shoving past plastic cutlery, napkins, and a half eaten sandwich –

There it was –

His greasy fingers pinched a sparkling red USB drive, the same color as his in-game avatar.

“That’s right, old buddy,” said Lanzer. “Daddy’s home.”

[ZERO SPACE]

Zydan stomped on Lanzer’s AFK pirahnoid head, crushing it like a grape.

“Finally,” said Zydan. “An anti-climactic end for a pathetic nemesis.”

TEAM 1: The Deadly Skulls

Shae Lanzer Umi Asira Chief Bander Dalli DangerFace869 Bowman Wagger Janzo Tambien Auron Parper Kezzle Bez

TEAM 2: Zero Space Gods

Zydan --- --- ---

Zydan turned toward Shae’s crew.

“Now I’ll ask you all one more time,” said Zydan. “How do the rest of you want to go?”

“A tail laser,” said Shae.

Zydan pursed his lips.

“A tail laser?” asked Zydan. “That’s a dull move.”

“You said you can do any move in the game,” said Shae. “So do a tail laser.”

“Brutoids don’t have tails,” said Zydan.

“Obviously,” said Shae. “So where’s that laser going to come from? Your butt?”

Zydan scowled.

“I’m giving you the mercy of choosing your own method of destruction,” said Zydan. “Don’t make me pick for you.”

“Do a face-dive,” said Bowman.

“A what?” asked Zydan.

“A face-dive,” said Bowman. “It’s an old goblin move. They leap in the air and land on you with their face.”

Dane winced.

“Sounds inefficient,” said Dane.

“It got patched out quick,” said Bowman.

“Ooh, I have one!” said Asira. “Do the bomb-goblin self-destruct move –”

“Enough!” yelled Zydan. “I apologize for giving you ungrateful players any sort of agency in this.”

Zydan slammed four fists together.

“I’ll finish you all off with Dragon fire,” said Zydan. “Seeing how much you all liked that dragon –”

“ZYDAN!”

The voice belted like a gong hurled from a hundred foot window. Raindrops ruptured above Zydan’s head. Cobblestone cracked beneath his feet.

“Who the devil is that?” asked Zydan.

“ME ME ME!”

A titanic two-armed Lanzer emerged from the tower’s edge, fists larger than oak trees and fangs taller than pine trees. Not a dab of clown make-up coated his face. Just a cold toothy grin, shimmering solar flesh and full moon eyes.

Zydan stumbled backwards.

“L-Lanzer?” asked Zydan. “But how? I just killed you –”

“YOU KILLED MY PLAYER CHARACTER,” said Lanzer. “THIS IS MY DEV CHARACTER!”

Lanzer scooped up Zydan in one massive palm.

“HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE AN INSECT, ZYDAN?” asked Lanzer. “THIS IS KINDA THE TRUE POWER OF A GOD!”

Lanzer swung Zydan like a wrecking ball into the tower’s side.

Zydan

“ASSET BROWSE: HEEL HEAL!” yelled Zydan.

Zydan

“A lousy QA tester won’t defeat me,” said Zydan. “Not even a thousand-foot lousy QA tester.”

“GOOD GOOD GOOD!” said Lanzer. “THEN I’LL JUST HURT YOU –”

Lanzer slapped the tower with a handful of Zydan.

“I’LL HURT YOU OVER –”

Zydan

“AND OVER –”

Zydan

“AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!”

Zydan

Zydan spewed blood across Lanzer’s finger.

“I KNOW NPCS FEEL PAIN KINDA DIFFERENTLY,” said Lanzer. “I BET THAT HURT HURT HURT!”

“Enough, QA Tester,” said Zydan. “Really now –”

“OH I’M KINDA JUST GETTING STARTED,” said Lanzer.

Lanzer crumpled Zydan like a wad of paper.

Zydan

“FOR ALL THOSE YEARS YOU MOCKED ME. FOR ALL YOUR STUPID DECISIONS. FOR PUTTING ME IN A STUPID CAGE –”

[THE HAVEN]

Lanzer’s headset whipped across his chin, nearly decapitating him.

“Freeze!” yelled a voice behind him.

He glanced back into a yellow wall of enforcer armor. This was an especially large enforcer, bearing an exceptionally large weapon – a hot pink shotgun, littered with glitter and Captain Lair stickers.

“Okay okay okay,” said Lanzer. “I’m frozen.”

“Stand up,” said the enforcer. “Slowly.”

Lanzer stood up, slowly.

He peeked back at the monitor –

All those files were fully loaded into his changelist, ready for deletion. One press of the Enter button would end everything. A thousand NPC abilities, gone in an instant.

“Stay where you are,” said the enforcer. “Don’t move a muscle.”

Handcuffs dangled from the enforcer’s palm.

“Wait wait wait,” said Lanzer. “I’m supposed to be here! I’m a dev!”

“All developers have been evacuated,” said the enforcer. “There should be no one left on this floor.”

“No no no, I have my ID!” said Lanzer. “One sec, it’s on the desk.”

Lanzer leaned forward, swiping his keycard from the keyboard. And in the process, his thumb thumped the enter button.

It was done –

Thousands of NPC abilities –

Gone for good.

“Your ID!” yelled the enforcer.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” said Lanzer. “Here!”

Lanzer tossed his expired ID into the enforcer’s hand.

“Sorry sorry sorry,” said Lanzer. “I came in late. Was just trying to get some work done. I thought something seemed kinda fishy.”

The enforcer stared Lanzer down.

“My unit’s right around the corner,” said Lanzer. “I’ll head there right now.”

Lanzer brandished a brown toothy smile. Beads of sweat dribbled down his face as the enforcer scanned the ID’s details - the enforcer’s visor ventured awfully close to that expiration date –

“Okay okay okay!” Lanzer yelled suddenly. “So, can I go?”

The enforcer grimaced with a grim stare, then reluctantly handed it back.

“Wait in your unit until notified,” said the enforcer. “You’ll receive a message when it’s safe to return.”

Lanzer released a breath he’d been holding for minutes.

“Yessir!” said Lanzer.

He hobbled towards the exit, a thick grin etched across his face.

“I got you, Zydan,” Lanzer whispered. “I win win win.”