3 / 550 Health remaining!

I was gonna die! Thankfully, as I looked around, covered in burns, punctures—and something purple on the crotch of my breeches that I was absolutely not going to ask questions about—I could see a trail of dead spider bodies marking my passage. Worse was, I’d meandered off course and was now near the outskirts of the skirmish. The number of spiders had dwindled considerably, but not enough to make them give up and go home, apparently. There was still easily a hundred of the fuckers moving around attacking people. I was now well out of sprinting distance of the big spider. At least I could get my bearings and—ah, shit, the spiders are still coming for me.

However, it was precisely at that moment, that several homies tore their way through the ranks to join me in the outfield.

First, Rexen—useless, but it’s the thought that counts.

Second, third, fourth, and fifth—Jumpy, Cluck, Slappy, and Mortimer. Not useless.

Sixth—was…somebody I’d never seen before.

He was a rail-thin…person who looked mostly like a human wearing some standard-fare fantasy drip. What changed his probable Race category though was that he had bright green hair and a beard to match. Oh. And a pair of antlers jutting out of the top of his fucking head. He seemed a bit twitchy, his eyes shifting around like he was being forced to be there under the threat of some horrible punishment.

“Um…hi,” I said to the newcomer. “...How’s it going?”

“It’s…okay,” he said, his voice dripping with anxiety. He kept looking over his shoulder at the approaching horde. “Could be better, actually.”

“You, uh, alright there, bud?”

“Yeah…” he said, his face screwing up in a nervous wince as there was a loud explosion beyond. “Just…trying to keep from pissing myself.”

“Oh—yeah, that’ll happen,” I said. “Just gotta let ‘er rip and clean yourself off later. I mean, I assume so—I’ve never done it, but, hey—what else can you do?”

The man scowled at that thought, and looked like he was going to be sick.

“Okay, well, there’s not much time for chatting here—I’m Loon. That’s Arjee—and these are Jumpy, Clucky, Slappy, and Mortimer. If you can’t fight, just stay behind us and—”

“Tanner,” he said. “And…I can fight, I’m just bad at it. It’s not really my best feature…”

“Okay…Tanner,” I said. “Well, shit. This changes my plans…”

I’d been planning to bounce my way over the first wave and dash apart the middle section, then activate my flight power. But, now that there was some else here…well, no use worrying about what was. But, like…why was he here? Did he show up to help and then get cold feet? Was he already out here hiding? I supposed it didn’t matter, but god damn, this shit was going to make matters more difficult.

“...Still—stick behind us while we drop nasty nonsense on these fucks,” I continued, “and if you can get a hit in, fuckin’ do it—but, maybe, don’t do it while we are—”

“I’m…mostly a healer…” he said hesitantly.

“Oh—shit! Never mind! This is some motherfuckin’ serendipity! You’re a medic, and I’m basically at death’s door right now. Suppose it’s—”

“Yeah…” Tanner interrupted softly. “I saw. My interface lets me see all the injured people…and junk. That’s why I…made my way over here.”

He huffed out a big, loud sigh like he was extremely overwhelmed and then, with his head slightly down, bent his elbow—not even fully extending his arm—and pointed a single digit directly above him.

“Lifeblood Invigorate…” he muttered.

There was a flash, and some kind of magical symbol appeared in the air, rippling with green light. The dazzling show was about ten thousand times more intense than the…negative gusto the antlered man had displayed. In seconds, I was wrapped up in a veritable blanket of healies, impressed as I watched my Health suddenly top itself off.

“Woah!” I exclaimed, examining my body as the wounds and bruises suddenly evaporated from my flesh. “Fuckin…damn, dude. This is some A-plus level, goddamn dope motherfuckin' magic you got! I think I’m gonna keep you around for a wh—”

“Time to fight, pupil!” Rexen interrupted.

“Awriiight—nevermind, we’ll take it as it comes!” I said, trying to sound more excited than I actually felt, and clapped my hands together. “Let’s get back in there, boys!”

Tanner shifted, slipping back behind our ranks as the spiders scuttled up to bat. The roe projected their thoughts into my mind.

Fight. Crush. Obliterate them fully! Boo!

I snorted. Some of the eggs were a little more advanced than others. Clucky’s progress had been interesting to witness as he was developing into…something, I dunno, more? Already he seemed able to understand nuance a bit better than his three brothers, and able to follow and execute more sophisticated instructions.

“Clucky, I want y’all to fall back behind me while I clear a path, then when it looks like there’s a good opportunity—death globe. Centered on me.”

Will. Do. Came Clucky’s response in his oddly lower-register roe voice.

“Arjee—scout ahead, let me know where the best path to push is to get us right up in the action.”

Rexen nodded and released a delighted sound, then shot forward to hover over the chittering sea of spiders perhaps only fifty feet from us.

“Tanner…” I said. “Keep us alive, I guess—whatever you can do. I’ll try my damn dandiest to make your job boring, though.”

With that, I charged forward, the wand of lightning ball in one hand, and my haladie in the other.

With a surge of energy, I charged into the fray, a roiling storm cloud of spider bodies and slicing blades. Sparks of electricity danced across my wand, casting an eerie blue glow in the gloaming. The roe followed in my wake, bouncing through the air like lethal ping-pong balls.

"To your left, disciple!" Rexen's voice rang in my ear, directing me where to go.

I wheeled around, haladie flashing as I cleaved through a spider the size of a mini-fridge. It let out an unholy squeal as its body burst apart, ichor splattering over my clothes.

"Ha!" I exclaimed, slinging the goop off my blade.

Just as quickly, I pivoted to meet another spider. Rexen's shouts guided my every step, driving me into the thick of the chaos. I cleaved through the swarm, each strike ripping through exoskeletons with the efficiency of a well-oiled machine.

And then I saw it. The death globe. A swirling maelstrom of spinning roe encircling me in a dome of shimmering teeth. Each one of them was a spinning top, biting and gnashing at anything that tried to break through. Rexen had guided me into the eye of the storm.

I glanced over to see Tanner trapped in there with me. The look on his face was…I dunno, strange. Like if someone could be both apathetic and also terrified.

"Um…Loon, right?" he breathed, "I…uh, didn't sign up for this."

"Bruh, none of us did," I grunted, slashing through another spider. "But we're fuckin’ here now, duder. Just keep us alive, alright?"

Turning back to the fight, I lifted my wand, electricity crackling down its length. I pointed it at the swarm of spiders and let loose a blast of lightning. The air sparked as electrical energy arced from my wand to the spiders. They convulsed and twitched as the raw power surged through them, lighting up their bodies like fucked up fairy lights. The smell of burnt bug bodies filled the air, making me gag. But I kept going, lightning pouring out of me in a continuous stream.

Rexen's voice echoed in my head, a calm oasis in the storm.

To your right! Ten paces! There's a large group clustered there.

I swiveled, adjusting my aim, and let the lightning crackle through the ranks. They shrieked, their bodies jerking in the agonized throes of death. With each strike, I could feel the numbers around us dwindling, and did I dare to hope? Perhaps the tide of the battle was shifting.

I glanced over at Tanner, his face pale and sweating in the unnatural light. But he was standing firm, casting out waves of healing energy that washed over me, healing the injuries as I sustained them.

"Attaboy, Tanner!" I shouted over the din of the fight. "Fuck it up with them good vibes!"

Almost there, disciple-mine! Rexen said mentally.

Hell-fuckin’-yeah, I returned.

The air was thick with smoke and the stench of electrocuted flesh. My heart pounded in my ears, the adrenaline slowly receding as the reality of our victory began to sink in. Around me, the battlefield was a carpet of charred spider bodies, their glowing eyes dull and lifeless.

As the last of the spiders around us fell, I glanced around, expecting to see the grotesque body of the giant spider. Instead, all I saw were more of the smaller ones, their numbers thinning but still large enough to be of concern.

"Rexen!" I barked, spinning to face the little fucker. "I thought you said you were guiding us towards the big one!"

His hovering form bobbed in the air, his eyes twinkling with a kind of manic glee.

"Oh, I was!" he trilled. "But then I saw all these little ones and thought they would be fun to fight!"

I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face.

"That was not the plan, Arjee."

"Plans, shmans!" he said, grinning even wider. "This is the true path to mastery, pupil! Relish in it!"

I was about to retort when more spiders rolled in.

“Fucking…god dammit!”

I noticed the roe flagging, their once-bright luminescence dimming. They were still fighting, but the relentless wave of spiders was taking a toll.

"Tanner!" I called, pointing to the roe. "You got anything that can…Stamina…boost them?"

He blinked at me, his eyes wide.

"I have something like that, but...I've never healed a...a monster before," he admitted. "I don't know if I can."

"Will you…jus—Just fucking try!" I shouted, slicing through another spider that had gotten too close.

Taking a deep breath, he gestured lazily and muttered a Spell. A soft green glow enveloped the roe, and their energy seemed to return full force.

“Shit yeah, Tanner!” I cheered. “You’re getting a promotion!”

“Promotion…?” He wondered.

Just then, a ground-shaking roar echoed across the battlefield, silencing the chitters and screams of the spiders. I whipped around, scanning the field, and saw a tidal wave of spiders suddenly erupt into the air, their bodies sent flying like shrapnel. In their wake stood a monstrous creature, a terrifying beast that dwarfed even the largest spider one the field. It was massive, standing at least fifteen feet tall, with a hulking, half-doughy, half-muscular form that spoke of incredible strength. Its skin was rough and dark, with patches of moss and dirt matted into its long gray hair. Its face was brutish, with a broad nose, deep-set eyes, and a mouth full of broken, yellow teeth.

"Double-fuck me sideways," I hissed, my eyes wide as I took in the sight of the creature. "What in the holy dick is that?"

"Oh...that's Tartarus," Tanner whispered beside me, eyes wide and fixed on the giant creature.

I blinked at him, incredulous.

"What? Don’t tell me…he’s one of ours?!"

Tanner nodded, swallowing hard.

"Yeah...he's a...um...he's…from before. A teacher, or something."

What were the odds there was more than one teacher onboard the train at the time of our rehoming? Probably pretty nil. Because of that, I made an assumption.

“Mr. Eldon?!” I shouted. “Seriously?!”

Now, if it was him, that was a fucking surprise. My painfully dull and mundane history teacher—and let’s not forget: field trip chaperone—had rolled himself a fucking monster Race?

“Where the hell was he hiding?!” I demanded. “He’s bit big to have gone unnoticed before.”

Tanner shrugged.

“He…mostly keeps to himself out in the woods. At least…I think so. I haven’t seen him since we got attacked on our first day.”

As if on cue, the former instructor let out another bone-rattling roar and yanked a fucking tree trunk outta the ground like it was nothing more than a baseball bat. He began to barrel through the sea of pyronids, each furious swipe of his makeshift cudgel sending spiders flying and clearing a wide path.

With each bellow, the earth-shaking sounds caused an echo of…anxiety to ripple through my body. It was an instinctual, deep-rooted terror and every fiber of my being screamed at me to run.

I took a step back, my mind reeling.

Why am I feeling like this? Why would I be scared of an ally?

As I hesitated, struggling with the impulse to bolt, Rexen must’ve noticed…or possibly felt my emotion and piped up. His voice was gleeful, almost pining.

"Do you sense that, pupil!? That's the ogre’s Racial ability. It's not just loud, it’s scary! It casts a fear effect on all who hear it. Pretty neat, huh?"

"Neat?" I shouted, my voice trembling slightly. "Why the fuck is he just blastin’ that shit off all friendly-fire style? I feel like I'm about to shart myself!"

It took me a second for something to make sense. Had Rexen just said he was an ogre? God damn. I really got short-changed in the species offerings when I showed up. I’d had the choice between this…and human. Fuck this system.

“Do not be an envious disciple,” Rexen said.

“I’m not!” I said indignantly. “This isn’t what envy looks like, you fuckin’ bimbo! I just think it’s fuckin’ rude to spray-and-pray phobia beams in mixed company, that’s all! Somebody’s gonna get hurt.”

As…Tartarus kept charging, I realized he was bee-lining toward the massive spider. My hackles rose. What the fuck? That was my kill. I'd already made a good dent in it, softened it up with my angry antics, but it seemed like Tartarus was gonna steal the final shot. The motherfucking hell if I was going to let that happen.

"I've got an idea!" I said, turning to my roe. "Protect, uh, this Tanner fellow. Arjee, you’re with me!"

“Let’s murder them,” Rexen hissed jubilantly, rubbing the ends of his arms together.

"Wait…where are you going?!" Tanner called out, panic edging his voice. The spiders were closing in again and he looked terrified, his eyes darting from me to the roe to the oncoming horde.

"Be right back!" I called, not bothering to explain.

I stepped out of the rotating homicide sphere and reached up, tapping the choker around my neck: Bahlgus's Gorget of Flight. Instantly, the ground beneath my feet disappeared as I shot up into the sky. A colorful tail of light trailed behind me, the result of the cosmetic add-on baked into the extra features of the item.

As I climbed higher, the battlefield below began to shrink, turning into a chaotic patchwork of fighting figures. Tartarus was easy to spot, the giant ploughing his way through the spider hordes. And just ahead of him was my target, the massive spider that I'd staked my claim on.

I had no idea if my plan would work, but if it did, it would be fucking tite. At the very least, I wasn't going to let Tartarus get the glory of taking down the giant spider. I’d sat through far too many of his boring ass lectures in my life to let that happen. Up, up, up I went, flying forward a bit to ensure I’d be right over the top of the big beast when I hit my max distance. Then, with a final look at the battlefield below, I turned my gaze towards my target and prepared to dive.

"Outta the way!" I screamed, though I doubted anyone could hear me over the noise of battle below. I angled my body downward, pointing myself like a missile.

“GRAWWWR!” I bellowed, in a low, menacing death growl as I fired a blast of lightning from the wand.

“GRAWWWR! GRAWWR! GRAWWR!”

Each Spell flashed down in quick succession. Then, I followed it up with my finisher. A surge of adrenaline rushed through me as I activated the Gorget again.

The Gorget hummed and pulsed against my skin, a beacon of arcane power that was now propelling me towards the ground at a breakneck speed. The wind whipped around me, tearing at my clothes and hair, as I sped towards the ground faster than an adulterous cannonball that left his phone unlocked at home. I could see Tartarus below, still swinging his massive tree trunk with wild abandon, crushing and tossing aside spiders like they were toys.

The ground rushed up at me, the enormous spider coming into focus. I tightened my grip on my haladie, preparing for the moment of impact, and didn’t even bother bracing for the collision. Then I activated my favorite aspect of Calden’s Hang Time.

It felt like the world held its breath in the moment before I hit. The ground and the spider were right there in front of me. There was a moment of surreal calm, and then...

—

Rua, positioned precariously on top of the huge beast, had the unfortunate distinction of possessing a ringside seat to the madness that unfolded beneath her. She watched with bated breath as Loon did..what he always did—something extra, streaking through the sky like an ecstatic comet clearly late for an appointment with ground zero.

She noted that the trajectory of Loon's reckless descent seemed to line him up for an extremely intimate meeting with the monolithic spider she had only just successfully hit with a gruesome slice. This particular brand of extreme bullheadedness seemed perfectly on-brand for Loon, she reflected, having seen him do things before that would make a stuntman consider a career in accounting.

As Loon neared his target, Rua instinctively leaped away, hoping she could somehow avoid the inevitable shockwave of his strike from her close proximity. She wasn't an expert on gravity—though she was probably the most knowledgeable among those present—however, she did know that things falling from great heights tended to make quite a mess on impact. Especially if they were aiming to turn a colossal arachnid into a contemporary art installation.

And then it happened. Loon hit the spider with a force like a prepubescent hydrogen bomb. The spider exploded in a riot of chitinous fragments and alien gore, a spectacle that would surely inspire generations of B-movie directors. Rua, despite her relative horror, couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit impressed.

What followed was rather extraordinary. One would imagine that seeing their gigantic brethren obliterated in such a spectacular manner would rally the remaining spiders into a vengeful frenzy. Instead, they did what any sensible organism would do in the face of such an overwhelmingly terrifying display of power—they ran for their many, many lives.

A cheer rose up from the camp, the relief and triumph ringing clear in the aftermath of the explosion. Rua watched in bemused silence as celebrations broke out around her, shaking her head in incredulous wonder.

After a moment, there was a shift, and from the mass of giant fire spider gore Loon exploded outward, his double-bladed weapon high in the air as he roared in triumph.

“Fuuuuuuck yeaaaah!” He bellowed, his body completely coated in the ichor and viscera of the beast he’d just…well, completely obliterated.

“Fuck! Yeah! Fuck! Yeah! Fuck! Yeah!” He chanted, stabbing the air to punctuate each syllable. Then he suddenly froze, doubling over and coughing, until a large gob of goo shot out of his mouth.

“Loon?” Rua cried out, thinking he’d just ruptured something. But he stood up, his face ghostly, his eyes wide.

“Fuck!” He shouted, spitting at the ground. “It got in my fucking mouth!”