Chapter 15 - Lament

Darkness enveloped them. The midnight folds of luxuriously thick fabric that made the internal walls of the tent gently rustled and moved, welcoming their arrival. Kitaraiya let out a shaking breath as she held an internal flap aside and tied it off, allowing Jesse through. She frowned as her eyes grazed over her brother’s form, his arm hanging limply as the valkyrie carried him past. Following behind, she stepped around Jesse as they walked through the main shared space and tied off another divider before moving ahead and holding the curtain aside to their rooms and letting Jesse through.

She shared a glance with Jesse, noting the valkyrie’s concerned, yet soft expression.

“Kit…”

Kitariaya nodded, “A folding cot.” she said calmly and slipped back out into the passages, returning less than a moment later and quickly setting the folding bed.

Jesse carefully laid Rhyker out, kneeling as she did so. Finally, she slid her arms out from under him and carefully undid his shirt for the second time. Peeling back its folds and exposing the crusted and dried blood that stained his skin.

“Thank you.” Kitaraiya said softly, her eyes on the valkyrie.

Jesse smiled slightly and undid his belt, sliding it from the loops and only stopping when she felt Kitaraiya’s hand on hers.

“There is no need to thank me, Kit.”

“There is, Jesse. You may not see why, but there is a reason that I am grateful for.” Kitaraiya said softly, “I could not have fought those creatures off alone. My pride does not stop me from admitting the position we were caught in. We would not have survived.”

“Then I am glad I was sent to retrieve you both.” Jesse smiled slightly, taking Rhyker’s sheathed dagger and setting it aside.

Kitaraiya frowned, watching as Jesse moved purposefully. Her hands soft, yet strangely firm and tangible as steel while they went about their business, removing items of her brother’s ragged clothing. They paused momentarily at the lacing of his pants as she assessed their torn and bloodied state, and as she reached to start unlacing them, Kitaraiya placed her hands over Jesse’s.

“Let me, it is my claws and teeth that did this to him. It is my responsibility to right my wrongs. To not shy away from the pain I have inflicted on him.” Kitaraiya said, her eyes meeting Jesse’s.

“You speak from experience.” Jesse stated.

“Yes, I do.” Kitaraiya whispered, “Too much... experience.”

Jesse looked at her for a brief moment before withdrawing her hands, “Then let me assist you; as they say, four hands are better than two. If it is your will.”

Kitaraiya gave an accepting nod and gestured to the blade on the floor. She took the offered blade as Jesse held it out to her and unsheathed it, inspecting its edge momentarily.

“He did not realise in the rush…” she said softly, assessing the memories from her recovery and looking at the jagged tears in his pants and their blood-soaked edges.

With practised ease she slipped the tip of the blade through a tear and ran it down his leg, cleanly slicing through the fabric to the cuff and severing it before returning. Sliding her free hand along his leg under the fabric she tented the cloth and made short work with the blade, cutting the belt line free at his waist.

Jesse watched her, “You have done this before?”

Kitaraiya nodded, “Yes. The first time we were only in our teens. I had to cut all of his clothing off.” she said with a grimace, “Burns. He refused to use a vial, and the Cleric of Toth had a mess to deal with.”

“Burns? But does he not...”

Kitaraiya did not look up, “It is not only fire that burns, the deepest chills will burn the flesh almost as effectively. He is not immune to the cold, nor fire for that matter if he doesn’t actively bend it.”

Jesse frowned, “Wha…”

“An argument, an unnecessary argument, childish and useless. An argument I instigated and pressed… I was not prepared for the sharpness of his words, their truth and the pain behind them.” Kitaraiya said as she finished the other leg and sheathed the blade, “I refused the truth I could not accept and attacked him as I had before. But this time he looked me in the eye and did not defend himself, he did not stand down, he stood there and let himself…”

She looked at Jesse, “I hurt him with the power within me. It was not the first time, but it was the last time. I realised that he was so scarred inside from my words and actions that he did not care if they showed on the outside, he was prepared to die if it would just wake me from my ignorance.”

“I stayed by his side, I bound his wounds. I screamed inside as his flesh peeled off, stuck to the bandages. I screamed as he refused to be treated while he slipped closer to death. He made me open my eyes and see how bad it really was, how badly I had been hurting him and others in the past.”

She felt Jesse’s eyes on her, “It was Winter who intervened. She did not yell at me, she did not berate me, she did not say a single word in anger. She just looked at him with this profound sadness in her eyes. Before me, she asked him if he had enough of life. The tears she shed were the answer.”

“I screamed at her to save him, I begged her, but she did not listen to me. She was talking with him, conversing with his soul, his spirit. Then she picked him up and told me that I could either follow or not.”

Kitaraiya frowned, her teeth baring, “I could not save him. But I watched as Winter cradled him like a child and walked.”

She paused for a moment, inspecting the shallow and pinked remnants of the tears she had inflicted on his legs, “I failed him. I stood in silence as Winter and my brother disappeared into the shadows, I could not will my feet to follow. A few days more than a week he returned, I do not know from where, but he was different. Quieter, stronger somehow and I knew that my time as I had been was over. That night Winter came to me, embraced me and said to me, no matter what I would do, I would still be her daughter.”

Jesse nodded, a gentle smile on her face, “Did he ever tell you where he had been?”

“No, despite my asking… But now I will have no choice.” Kitaraiya said under her breath, unaware of Jesse’s curious expression.

“My failure to follow ate at me in his absence, the guilt of not being there for him... For the first time I felt like I was truly alone. I was afraid without him there, terrified of the uncertainty.”

Kitaraiya glanced up and met Jesse’s eyes, “We shall need water and cloth.”

Jesse gave a small nod and stood, passing through to the curtained off wash area.

Kitaraiya gave a frown and continued, “It was from then that I started looking at myself, at what I was, who I was and what I had done, who I had hurt.” she watched as Jesse came back into view, “I did not like what I saw in the mirror.”

“He had bled for me as a child, ever since we could walk and talk. I have been the reason for his scars. He has always protected me and paid the price. That he continues to bleed blood and fire on my behalf.”

Jesse handed her a wet cloth, “You speak of such pain, Kit.”

Kitaraiya nodded slowly, damping Rhyker’s leg and softening the crusted blood, “My brother is my shield and he always has been, even when I railed against him he did not desert me. Instead he attempted to calm and have others accept my wrongdoing.”

She looked down at him, her face softening, an ear flicking, “I must make peace with myself, with who I was.”

“Why is it of such import now, Kit?” Jesse said, wringing out a cloth and handing it to her.

Kitaraiya glanced at her, meeting her eyes momentarily, “To lessen the pain of what I will inevitably see. To accept what has been, as it was experienced.”

“See?” Jesse asked.

Kitaraiya turned aside, letting Jesse’s query fall. Averting her eyes and running them over Rhyker’s body. She gently peeled back the remains of his clothing and dropped it to the floor before covering him with a towel, offering his spent body the slightest token of decency before chuckling softly at the wasted thought. She frowned slightly as she heard Jesse’s quiet intake of breath.

“Tell me of when you were children, before I first met you during the festival of sighs in Meliandra.”

Kitaraiya looked at Rhyker’s face, “Before we came here? I was trouble. After we lost our parents, I was out of control.” she gently swept some hair out of his face, “My brother was the only one brave enough to hold me together, the only one who did not fear me, the only one who would stand up to me and I would at the very least, listen to, to a degree.”

Taking the next cloth from Jesse, she met her curious gaze, “It used to rankle at me, the easy attention he got from others. I only recognise now that I was not the easiest to live with. Always keeping everyone at a distance and attacking everyone that attempted to get close after losing our parents.” she chuckled darkly, “I just liked it that way. I could not even let my own sister in until it was too late.”

“You have a sister, from where you came?” asked Jesse.

“Yes, I had an elder sister. Though, I gather that her double walks this world too. As do others that I once knew, and knew me.” she said, her eyes returning to her brother as her hands did their work, “There was another who was very close to us, closer to Rhyker in the end. Even in this moment I feel the guilt of what I did to her and him.”

Jesse nodded, patting dry Rhyker’s cleansed skin and followed Kitaraiya’s movements, “This ‘other’, she was close to the both of you?” she said, frowning as Kitaraiya leaned and exposed the back of Rhyker’s right ear.

Jesse leaned in and saw the golden gleam of Sialin’s sigil, “Is that…?” she asked, glancing at Kitaraiya.

“Yes, his mistress’s, his teacher’s. He had accepted her offer for him to apprentice under her. She was so gentle and caring, yet sharp and strong when provoked. Right from the first time we met her we were under her spell.” Kitaraiya said quietly, “Her name was Sialin, she was a Fryelf.”

“In the last days before we… I pushed her so hard until all she could do was beat me down or let me kill her and the crew...” she grimaced, once more averting her eyes, “I-I was ready to, I was ready to tear that ship apart, crush it until it was splinters for coming between me and my brother. I was going to kill her, to kill Sialin for trying to be someone she was not. No words were going to stop me.”

Kitaraiya shook her head in the silence, “Now I can see it, the truth of that time. She was not trying to replace our mother. She was just trying to offer us a safe place with her so we could heal.” she looked at Rhyker’s face, “Ven accepted, while I rebelled.”

She carefully wiped at Rhyker’s chest, taking care around his shoulder and the tears, “It must have burned her, she was the one who nursed me back to health. Both of us. Her tears and sleepless nights of worry, her ethereal flames and amber eyes. She refused to stop until we were well. Her little prince and little princess…” Kitaraiya chuckled, “I remember her calling me that, her voice soft as she tended to us. But after I attacked her the third time, I earned her ire and the name ‘Firebrand’. From then on, I never heard the name of ‘Little Princess’ come from her lips again.”

Jesse frowned, “Firebrand?”

“For my temper.”

“What did you do?”

Kitaraiya stopped for the moment, carefully edging and running a clean cloth over Rhyker’s chest and up to his neck, she let out a small sigh before glancing at Jesse, “I tried to kill her. Ven did not know.”

Jesse stared at her.

“I remember watching her hot blood gush down my arms, razor shards of my ice piercing her side and her blue flames repairing the wounds I had inflicted on her. My cold anger and betrayal of her kindness and care when she had visited our cabin with fresh clothing and bedding.” Kitaraiya said in a firm yet calm tone.

“But why would you do such…” Jesse said, halting as she noticed the look on Kitaraiya’s face.

“I do not know, just that I did and that she did not provoke me, I snuck up behind her and... It was not the first time she had to heal wounds I had given her. I deserved her anger, yet she held back. It was only when the crew was in danger, when she felt that my intent was not to strike out in frustration, but to actually kill her that I finally met her open hand and anger. She was right to do so.” she said, frowning, “Maybe she should have done it sooner.”

Kitaraiya stared into the distance, beyond the fabric boundaries of the room, “I remember her braiding my hair as a child, weaving flowers into it and playing her flute so that I could dance to its music. Her flowers made of flame growing in the snow of the forest. I remember sneaking into her bed with Ven and snuggling against her when she was with us. Just watching her, the way she spoke and moved. She was a hero to me, she saved him, he was so sick and she saved him. I loved her for it.”

Jesse frowned, wiping and cleaning Rhyker’s arm, “What had happened?”

Kitaraiya chuckled sadly, “Our threads had awoken, our powers. Our father was against our early development, as was our mother. They said that it would make their research difficult if our powers manifested early. Mine made frost in the middle of summer, chilled a room… But Ven started burning from the inside out.”

“Mother did not know what to do and had an apothecary in the village make a medicine that would hopefully calm his fever. Turned out to be poisoning him, drugging him and keeping him in a stupor.” she smiled in bitterness, “Sialin saved him, she used her fire and blood to save him. Then my brother was better again, I idolised her; in those moments after healing him she was so beautiful like a goddess and she gave my twin back to me.”

Kitaraiya shook her head, “And when she was reunited with us at the Enclave, she did it again without a thought or ask. She used so much of her blood to save him after he protected me from the Enclave’s people when they tried to get rid of us. She spent so much blood. She set it on fire, blinding blue-white light to heal his thread and body.”

“I remember waking and watching her crying, holding his limp body to her chest as she burned, desperately keeping him alive. Her instructing Selera like she was the less experienced. Sialin’s fear driving her flames higher and fuelling their spark. I remember feeling her tears on my face, her face gaunt as she poured life back into me…Life I did not want or felt I deserved.” Kitaraiya whispered before lapsing into silence, her eyes unseeing as Jesse continued to cleanse Rhyker.

Jesse rolled him onto his side, carefully shifting his head before laying him down onto his stomach, she looked at Kitaraiya in concern, “They were trying to remove you? The people of this Enclave?”

Kitaraiya suddenly shifted, looking back at her and nodding, “Yes, we were told to leave, to disappear. Our parents died and a guard came to us and told us we had until nightfall. Ven exploded, halting them from throwing us out onto the street to die as beggars. He fought them off for two weeks with threats and violence, while I just lay in the corner. He kept me alive and kept those that wanted us gone away until our sister arrived. He burned himself until there was nothing left to give. Again, he almost died for me.” she looked at Rhyker, grimacing at the jagged tears she had inflicted and the fresh skin that interlaced his back.

“Once Sialin had brought us back to health, he continued to protect me… And I attacked him, every chance I got. I lashed out at him, I made him suffer.” she smiled sadly, “I hurt him to make myself feel better.”

She met Jesse’s eyes as she felt her stare, “I do not know why, but I blamed him. For everything, for surviving. But when we were alone in our cabin, or our room at the waterfront, I felt at peace. Sitting in my corner and looking out the window, feeling him there with few words or no words at all passing between us.”

She smiled wryly, “It was unfair, what I did to him. Insisting that we slept in the same bed together, yet angry at every word he spoke, even those of kindness and care.” she said watching as Jesse stood, taking the spoiled water and cloths.

She waited, resting her hand on his lower back as she inspected the healing wounds and mottled skin, she glanced up as Jesse returned, shifting aside while the valkyrie slid a clean basin of water beneath Rhyker’s head. Carefully they rolled him onto his back, Kitaraiya watching every movement with concern.

“This, Sialin, you said that Rhy did not know you had…”

Kitaraiya glanced at her, “He found out that I had been punished. He saw the proof on my face. He saw I had finally taken it too far, he found out about my actions toward Sialin…” she grimaced and cupped some water and wet Rhyker’s hair, rust-red rivulets of water streaming from her hand, “He confronted me, I had never seen him like that. He was in a panic, it was then that I realised that I had pushed him over the edge. It had never occurred to me that he was hurting just as bad as I was and that he was just putting on a brave face, all I could think of was myself. I saw it in startling clarity.”

“I fear seeing that moment from his perspective. I fear the possibility that he was truly pushing me away because he could no longer stand me or my temper. But, I am sure I saw relief in his eyes before fear, before his body burst into flame and he ran.”

Kitaraiya shook her head, frowning as her white fur was stained red to her wrists, “Again, it was Sialin who saved him and set me on the right path.”

“Sialin?” prompted Jesse, lifting the basin a little higher, allowing Kitaraiya to rinse his hair.

“Mmm… She and he share an affinity, their flames. I am sure it would have been ended differently if she could bend my powers, she could have disarmed me like our mother did. If it were me and not him losing control, I would have panicked and froze in place, choked as I did against the wolves of Groumangand. No, he kept his head and instead he pushed me aside and ran for the free air, saving me, the crew and the ship from his flames, screaming for the only ones he knew could help him and guide him.”

Kitaraiya gave a small nod and gently towelled off the excess water, “I am no longer afraid to say I was selfish for trying to tear them apart.”

Jesse watched as Kitaraiya ran her hands through his hair, drawing the moisture away and bending the humidity to her will, “I am sure nobody would have seen your actions as a fault of your own. Or to even blame you for what you did...In grief.” said Jesse.

Kitaraiya glanced at her with hollow eyes, a harsh chuckle in the first of her words, “Then, more fool them. Every thing that I did, I decided to do it. Grief is not an excuse. I chose to attack when I could have healed. I chose to lash out at others, I was searching for a wall to vent my anger upon and everyone within range was fair game. There was only one who finally stood up to me apart from Ven.” she said with a deliberate sharpness in her voice.

“It was Sialin, and I respect her deeply for it. She showed me that despite my raw power, I was weak. A single slap to the face halted me in my tracks, and a second, a second made me truly powerless, at the mercy of the fates. It was a humiliation that was well deserved, especially from a fyrelf. It is that humiliation that instructed me on how vulnerable I really am, it is what makes me thankful for your arrival this morning.”

She felt Jesse’s gaze on her, “In our cabin, the night he lost control of his power, he was right to be angry with me, right to question my actions, right to defend one who truly did not deserve my frustrations. He was right, he knew the truth. He knew I did it because...” Kitaraiya met Jesse’s eyes, “I liked it.”

“I was not innocent, Jesse. I enjoyed the conflict, I felt like I was powerful and controlling those around me. It was an addiction, making others dance to my will.” she growled softly, her eyes sharpening again, “I was a foolish child who deserved nothing less than what I got. If I stood before myself now, Sialin’s punishment would not suffice, I would beat myself within an inch of my life and then again the moment I woke.”

She grimaced with teeth bared, her voice coming as a strained growl, “I swear I would pound it into me until I screamed for mercy and then some more, just to make sure that I understood what I was doing was wrong, that I was hurting others for my own mirth, that the path I was going down only leads to darkness in this world.”

Kitaraiya met Jesse’s calm eyes, “I know I have problems, Jesse. It’s just that now I physically reflect who I truly am both inside and out. Lady Xiana told me the truth of Groumangand’s curse. It magnifies the worst in its victims and transforms them into the beast that they truly are, for him to use and command while he gains strength from them, stealing their power. She was able to sever this and free me, but she could not reverse what had already taken hold.”

Jesse nodded, “Yes, that is his strength. His taint if you will, to make the physical reflect the inside self.”

Kitaraiya frowned, “He stole my mask and bared my true nature to the world. I am a monster, I have always been a monster and I have come to accept that. I can not reverse time, but I can try my best to make up for my mistakes. I now fear hurting Rhy and those close to me, because they accepted who I really am, they have seen the monster within me and they still draw me into the same embrace as Sialin did. It is the least I can do from what she taught me. I suppose, that is what love is. She accepted me, despite what I did to her. She did not give up, even when I gave her no choice, even when I tried to take her life. She still offered her hand and I once again heard my name from her lips.”

She chuckled to herself, “I have a silly regret, that despite knowing her last words to me I could not hear them. That my last words never reached my lips before we were taken by the portal that brought us here.” she said softly as she slid a hand over her brother’s chest, her fingertips grazing over the sigil, “I can no longer ignore that pain. I must care for him as he has for me. We are bound by our nature. We need each other to survive. He is my stability, I am his fury. He is my calm and I am his storm. He is my light and I am his darkness. We are two halves of a whole.”

Jesse smiled, her lips arcing in a gentle line, “Do you know what we see when we look upon you with our sight?”

Kitariaya shook her head, “No.”

“We see two of the same, as it were.”

“We are twins.” Kitaraiya replied with a shrug.

“Yes.” Jesse said with a strange smile, “You are…”