Suddenly, like some sort of dramatic villain, Alpha lifted his hands. Our battle ring lit up, the symbols around the edge tossing out a strobe-light display, and if I hadn't been so angry, I might have suggested he take that act to a Daft Punk concert. I whipped my head around to my mateys on the sidelines, hoping for a quick rundown on what the hell was happening, but their faces were just question marks.

I swiveled back to Alpha, who was wearing a predatory grin.

"Ah, did no one mention this little perk during your pow-wow?" he quipped, voice oily. "As the leader of this place, I've got a little defense protocol set up."

I heard a mental whisper from Rexen, who was, surprisingly, keeping a respectful distance. This came in the form of Commune, a Spell that sorta stopped time for a perceivable minute for him to talk to me.

Ah, pupil! He’s using Citizen Surge, the little spirit said.

And that is? I responded, impatiently.

A marvelous Settlement Ability that lets him soak up all the shiny, juicy energy of everyone under his command. Then he gets stronger! I hypothesize it will last for around one hour.

God. Dammit. I said. He’s using fucking cheat codes? Figures. Only the most disgusting people try to pull them kinda stunts. Makes me sick to my stomach.

But, my beautiful pupil—you have also utilized advantages such as this in fights. Remember when we fought Koobumpup?

Who the fuck is Koobumpup?

In the beastie belly. My disciple’s memory is poor at times. I helped you break down all that information—which you used to whittle him to a whining little babe.

He was referring to when he used a sweet Hack-the-Planet Jailbreak Spell, or Ability, or Skill, or whatever-the-fuck you call it on that butt-turd Tides flunkie Rafe Crowmoon. One that was absolutely past the gray area of what would be considered legal conduct and definitely allowed me to grab the upper hand in the fight.

That’s not his name, Arjee, I corrected. And yeah, so I bent the rules a tad—it was different. I’m the good guy.

So you continue to profess, Rexen said.

Okay, do you know any additional information about this Citywide Purge—

Citizen Surge.

I know, Arjee. I was just having some fun with it, because it sounds like it’s going to be a pain in my cheeky crack and I wanted to take away some of its power.

I see, pupil! Very interesting. What I assumed was a malapropism was actually intentional. That is funny.

Yes, I said. Jokes are notoriously much funnier when you explain them. Anyway, anything else I should know about this Ability? Does he get other people’s powers, or like summon a blue shell?

Iunno. Each iteration has the potential to be much different than any others. But…probably not. His Level was low before, and now it is not much better.

What’s his Level?

Thirteen. A paltry sum.

Fuck! I groaned. I’m only Level Twelve!

Oh, is that all?

I scoffed.

Anyway, was that all there was? Kinda gotta hop to it if I’m going to beat this dude's britches inside out before sundown.

Nope—oh wait! Yes.

And, what would that be?

I read the glyphs.

What the fuck does that mean? That dumb Scooby Doo Halloween script around the edges?

Such a smart pupil!

Arjee…

Yes?

What did the fucking runes say?!

Oh. Hm. Lemme see…

I think it happened. I think I could actually feel a section of my brain burst open.

Sorry! He said after a long moment, and an additional cast of Commune. Had to peep them again! I’m quite old you see, and—

Please, seriously, Arjee, I pleaded. I am fucking begging you to get to the point.

Impatient disciple. Adding it to my list.

I almost demanded to know what list he was mouthing about, but then realized—rare for me—that I was potentially being baited into a tangent. Instead, I just waited.

Fine, fine, pupil. The glyphs said to me that while Spells, items, and Skills will be active…Abilities will not be available for the first minute of the Duellum.

Okay, I said with a chuckle. So what? This whole fight is going to be dunked the minute I hit him with Blackout—FUCK! That’s an Ability isn’t it?

Indeed, Rexen said sadly. For being my pupil, you have a decidedly inadequate amount of Spells in your Arcane inventory. Sad.

Well, shit. So, this wing-clipping motherbitch is trying to ensure that I don’t have anything available to me? How is he even able to do that? I thought we agreed on terms?

Yep! But the circle was part of the terms. It is set up this way for that specific purpose.

Wait! I thought it was required!

Nothing is ever required, pupil, Rexen said. Except perhaps the adoration of a very fine hat.

Jesus fuck, again with the hat thing. I swear to god I never heard a single thing about hats the whole time we were in Tallrock. Now, suddenly it's the goddamn Hat Chat Podcast. And—wait, nevermind. Shit, I’m getting off topic. I’ve gotta do this Duellum—and at a handicap.

Good luck! Rexen exclaimed.

Yeah, thanks for lifting my spirits, Gravytrain.

What is that?

What is what?

Gravytrain. Is that similar to a gravy boat?

Sure. It’s just a play on your last name—you know, Gravetongue?

Ah, yes! I see. Gravytrain is indeed a wonderful moniker from my esteemed and darling pupil-baby. I am glad I could ensure your path remained unclouded.

This is really it, though? Nothing else to share?

That was all, Rexen said. I just did not want you to approach from a place of ignorance.

I chuckled.

See, that’s the thing about me, Arjee: I’m always—

Commune ended, and the world spun back to life. I was left holding the bag on my own stolen quip.

“Well, shit,” I said.

Then I turned to the dwarf, who was still doing his Super Saiyan power-up. When he finished, I just shook my head.

"Beautiful," I said, slow clapping. "So you’ve got some ultra unfair landlord powers? Just as I suspected, you can’t fight your own battles."

Alpha raised a finger.

"Shut up," he ordered. As if he'd had any right—I mean, I didn’t live here.

“Just do whatever it is you’re gonna do, butt-noggin,” I said.

"Duellum! Commence!"

Man, from the way he declared that, it really seemed like he thought he was announcing a heavyweight boxing match. However, before I could even utter a smart-assed rebuttal, he acted. Which…was precisely what I was waiting for. The moment he lunged, I moved.

A cut-off-gloved hand extended towards me, and in an instant, a torrent of viscous, acidic nonsense surged in my direction, streaking across the air. It was a shimmering, smoky gray, and looked like something Godzilla might projectile vomit. I reacted, leaping to the side with a roll. The acid splashed onto the ground where I had stood, eating away at the earth and leaving a smoking pit in its wake. Then, without even looking at the dwarf, I immediately pushed myself off the ground and into a backward roll to the other side of where I’d started the fight, carefully hopping over the spot where the acid was doin’ its thang.

“That all you got, ya thumb-sized skidmark?!” I yelled.

Man, without my Blackout Warchant, fighting someone who mostly uses acid magic is going to be a real fucking pain in the dick. Anyway, here goes nothin!’

Springing to my feet, I grabbed my haladie and hurled it at Alpha, the double blades spinning end over end. He narrowly avoided the attack, but the pass nicked his shoulder.

“Ha!” I cheered.

“That’s right, orc!” Edwig cheered. “First blood!”

“Bleeeeeeeed!” Rexen cackled menacingly. Dude was super messed up sometimes.

There were other indistinct hoots and hollers from those gathered to watch, and I played to it, raising my hands in the air like a proper entertainer.

“Not bad, shithead!” Alpha retorted, looking at his arm. He smiled smugly at me, before casting another wave of acid in my direction.

That was when the haladie returned, and I saw a look of surprise cross his features as I caught it like I was on the front of a Marvel poster. But, I wasn’t about to give him time to be impressed. I sidestepped his acid and threw my haladie again, clipping him in the thigh this time. He winced but must’ve decided he’d had enough, because he raised a fist, and more corrosive goo ejaculated toward me.

Damn, this fucker really is a one-trick pony! He’s worse than me!

“Aww, whassamatter, Alf?” I cooed after strafing past this Spell as well. “Did somebody not anticipate I’d know what the fuck I was doing? I told you, I’m not—”

BAM!

I reeled backward as something hard hit me right in the forehead. Stumbling, I blinked stars out of my vision and looked up to see Alpha smirking. Next to me on the ground was a fist-sized stone.

"Really?!" I spluttered, clutching at my forehead. "You're throwing rocks now, you four-foot fucknut? Was your fancy acid not cutting it?"

“Pupil!” Rexen shouted from the sidelines. “He tricked you!”

No fucking duh, Arjee.

I felt a trickle of blood slide down my brow and wiped it away. The sight of crimson on my fingers sparked a fury in me hotter than a rural school radiator. I’d gotten distracted and underestimated him, I guess. Not anymore.

"Oh, it's on, Dingleberry Shortcake," I snarled, twirling my haladie with renewed vigor. "Imma show you what a real acid trip looks like."

"Bring it on!" Alpha taunted, hunkering down into a defensive stance.

With a howl worthy of a cuckolded banshee, I flung my haladie again, the blades spinning in a deadly arc. This time, he wasn't quick enough. One blade bit into his arm and he howled, spewing more of his acid shit in my direction. But I was already well beyond where he expected me to be. I had backed all the way up and gotten a nice powerful throw in from my blades. They spun slightly to the right, but then, I’m not sure what happened, but they wobbled in midair and darted left. Alpha, who was already moving that way, only had time to bring a hand up to block. But the haladie arced just past his raised fist and hit him right in the teeth with the handle. It rebounded into the air with a resounding crack and came spiraling back in my direction.

The entire crowd of people released a wincing groan all at once. The sound was nostalgic, and made me feel like a character in a sitcom who’d just broken his boss’ priceless vase.

Alpha had also made a very precious noise when the weapon had popped his pearlies, and now he was spitting blood out of his mouth.

As my haladie returned, I gripped it tight and shot him a feral grin.

"I can do this all day, chump. So if you wanna keep onesie-twosying this bitch, I’m think you’re going to end up at the bottom of this bracket.”

Alpha grunted and wiped blood from his bearded chin. He glanced at his wounded arm, then at me, his eyes glowing with rage. He was about to say something—no doubt another super clever, gut-bustingly hilarious comment—when my haladie whirled in for another attack. The sharp blades nicked him again, drawing more blood. I mean, that was on him. Why was he just standing there? We were fighting. I mean, I wasn’t moving either, but I’m more of a reactive-type guy, ya know?

With a surge of effort, he thrust his arm forward and a stream of acid erupted from his ring. The caustic goo gushed toward me, but I was already moving. As I vaulted into a backflip, I flung my haladie, the double blades finding their mark on Alpha's leg.

"Argh, you prick!" he screamed.

“Holy shit!” I said, turning to my friends in the crowd. “Did you see that?! I did a fucking backflip-attack! That was dope as fuck! I—ulp—hold on a second.”

I caught the haladie and raised it menacingly at Alpha, but he rolled his eyes. Then did something I didn’t expect—-just kidding, he totally just globbed acid at me like we were in a turn-based JRPG.

This next attack, though, hit a little too close for comfort. I’d had to roll as his acid spray splattered the ground where I'd just been standing. Steam hissed from the spot, a grim reminder of what could happen if I wasn't quick enough.

“Watch yourself, orc!” Edwig commanded from the sidelines.

“I’m watchin,’ I’m watchin!’” I shot back.

“Time’s up!” Rexen shouted.

I smirked at the dwarf.

"Just one slip-up," Alpha spat, his voice a toxic growl. "That's all it'll take."

"Talk less, Alf," I replied with a crooked grin. "You're blasting your diarrhea all over the damn hell."

I feigned to the left, then swung to the right, flinging my haladie…yet again. It connected with his forearm. Alpha cursed, and in his distraction, I sprinted in, caught the blades on the rebound, going for a close-range attack. I slashed at him, but that was when he managed to summon a defensive cloud of acidic gas around him. I instinctively held my breath and pulled back, feeling the edges of the noxious cloud nibbling at my skin.

But I had just the thing. I figured Alpha thought Rexen’s shout had been encouragement for me to whip his ass—but I didn’t think so. So, I tried something. I hit him with the full force of my Blackout Warchant. I released my nullification roar point-blank and for a moment, the cloud was dispersed. Then, I switched tactics. I stuffed the haladie in my teeth and then spun, removing my wands from my waistband.

Bet you didn’t know I could use Fire and Lightning, bitch.

I took a step back for safety, and flicked the wand of fireball at him. With a muffled roar from my occupied mandible, I sent a blazing sphere hurtling towards the smug assbutt. But Alpha was faster than I gave him credit for, his corrosive magic dousing the fireball mid-flight, reducing it to a pitiful sizzle.

“Tha’s new,” I muttered under my breath, switching to the wand of lightning ball. I pointed it at Alpha, launching a crackling arc of electricity. He was ready this time, too, and he threw a glob of his magic directly at the electrifying attack. The two energies collided, resulting in a bright flash and a loud bang that left my ears ringing.

“Sto’ ushink y’magic to canshel o’t mine, y’fuck!” I screamed, my frustration mounting.

My fingers twitched towards the wand of unlocking, then paused. What was I going to unlock, his death? It was a ludicrous idea, but so was everything else that happened today.

“Co’ clo’er!” I taunted, trying to coax him into my range.

“No, you come here!” Alpha retorted, stumbling as he dodged another fire attack. That was when the effects of the Warchant faded, and he was able to summon his cloud again. I stuffed the lightning ball wand into my waistband and yanked the haladie out of my mouth.

“Have you only got three moves?” I accused.

In response, Alpha reached a hand out and I watched as one of the glittering bottles around his belt loop disconnected and flipped right up into his hand as if pulled along on a magic fishing line. Without even touching the stopper, it came uncorked, and her glugged down the green liquid inside before wiping his mouth and exclaiming, “ahhhh!”

I stared at his Jedi maneuver with barely concealed jealousy.

Okay, that was actually pretty fucking cool. Dammit!

“Orc!” Shouted Edwig. “That was very neat!”

“No it wasn’t!” I shouted back.

“Pah!” He returned. “You’ll change your mind when you find out it's a Speed Potion!”

“Hey!” Alpha growled. “Tell your monster to stop cheating.”

“Shut up!” I yelled back. “You cheated first! Besides—that’s just information, turd boy. You think just ‘cuz you got buff potions and junk you’re a real fuckin’ stud?”

“I got more than buffs in here!” Alpha bragged. “A whole lot of shit that will mess you right up, fucker.”

So he’s got some bad guy syrup in there, too, eh? Well, that’s fine, ‘cuz I’m…

I paused, feeling an itch in my brain…a symptom of what I now knew was my eleven brain cells suddenly hatching an idea.

“Fine, then! My turn!”

I darted forward, surprising Alpha so much that he hurriedly threw the empty potion bottle at me. But, because I’m apparently great under pressure, I simply caught it, barreling forward. As I closed the distance, I unleashed Blackout Warchant again, bellowing with all the force I could muster. The sound wave raced forward, an invisible bulldozer aimed directly at Alpha. He tried to counter, but the corrosive magic fizzled and dissipated in the face of my nullification. His cloud of hurty dispersed, opening another aperture of opportunity as his confused and stupid expression fixed itself to his dumb dwarf face.

Seizing the moment, I blasted him with the fireball wand, and while he was busy being distracted by that, I stuffed it into my waistband, along with the bottle, and swapped it for another.

I pig squealed, and a wave of pink magical flashes burst from the tip of the wand of unlocking. However, instead of directing it at Alpha, I aimed it at his belt, where he stored his covetous vials. Instantly, a few of the vessels sprung open, the contents spilling onto his legs and feet. His screams filled the air as he jumped around, trying to brush off what I was hoping was corrosive liquid.

“Holy shit, it worked!” I said, shocked at the effectiveness of my harebrained strategy. There was an odd, joyous triumph in watching Alpha hop and skip, flailing his legs around. I had to admit, I'd never seen a dance quite like that.

“Pah! This fight is terrible!” Edwig shouted.

“My pupil is boring!” Rexen agreed.

“Yeah, this fight sucks,” said some other opinionated double-suck.

“Boo!” came a low voice from somewhere deep in the thicket of people.

In his desperation, Alpha removed a different potion from beneath his leather chestpiece—a sickly yellow one—presumably to neutralize the effects, but it only served to fuel the chaos. The combination of liquids pooled around his feet, making the ground slippery. He tried to steady himself, but his foot slid and he face-planted into the bubbling ground.

I doubled over, clutching my stomach, my laughter echoing through the field. I reached out and touched the ground to keep myself from falling. I noticed a wave of chuckles emerged from the spectators, and I knew I’d found my moment.

"Oh man," I wheezed, "you look like a certified idiot right now. Licensed and bonded."

Alpha rose from the ground, a furious gleam in his eyes. Now visibly annoyed, the dwarf made a final, desperate move. He jerked his hand into the air, and a gout of gross gray acid sprung up from the earth right in front of me.

“Gyah!” I roared, leaping backward, and that was when I felt a sharp lance of pain blossom from my chest. I looked down and saw a hatchet—Alpha’s hatchet—sticking out of my left peck. I paused, staring at it, and then turned sharply, realizing what he’d done.

“You mother—”

SPLASH!

I felt an insane amount of burning agony splatter against my left shoulder. He’d got me—but not as bad as it could have been. Still it stung like a bitch and seared my skin. Fortunately, I’d guessed the hatchet was a distraction and had pivoted quickly enough to avoid the worst of the attack. I fought the primal urge to throw my hands to the wound, to do anything that would stop the burning. I didn’t need this gobbling up my digits. But goddamn, the fucking nerve of this guy—this stuff was no joke. It felt like it was burrowing its way into my flesh—and then I remembered it was acid, and probably was doing just that. However, it seemed to hit some sort of barrier, because a message sprang up.

Condition: Acidic Burns I

Will continue to lose 1 Health per 10 seconds

Acidic Burns I’s effects have been dampened due to resistances.

Ha-HA! Take that you stupid chode weasel!

"Gotcha this time, didn't I?" Alpha declared, his voice jubilant. I could smell the acid in the air, and it was terrible mixed with the smell of corroding flesh.

“Yeah,” I said. “You did.”

Then I activated Pernicious Volley and threw the rock I’d been holding.

Pernicious Volley

Trading accuracy for sheer, raw power, you can increase the damage you output with all manner of projectiles. For [8] seconds, Pernicious Volley allows you to target multiple foes and unleash untold aerial hell upon them with the chance to cultivate exponential damage with each successful strike. However, trier beware: this caterwaul bombardment packs a doozy of a punch to your Stamina and will exhaust [10] points per [1] second. The outcome for efficiency is Strength quotient + Throwing Weapons Skill.

Caveat: If the user chooses a non-traditional weapon, then the Throwing Weapons Skill will be substituted with the Improvised Weapons Skill. This is the perfect Ability for those who value a less-measured approach, or just want to see what happens when you decide to sew a little chaos.

So, my little ‘laughing so hard I can barely stand’ routine from a moment ago had been dual purpose. First and foremost: self esteem assassination. I’d wanted to make sure he knew I found him to be a literal dunce unworthy of any respect. Second, and most importantly, I’d taken advantage of the discord and palmed the rock he’d hit me in the fucking head with.

That very same stone fired from my hand with the speed of a bullet train, blasting Alpha right in his chest. He howled in pain as the blow knocked him onto his back. Not wanting to waste my efforts, I yanked the empty potion bottle out of my pants and tossed that too. It whipped his way, smashing into his face and I’m pretty sure cutting it up super bad in the process.

Then I lifted my haladie and aimed at his prostrate form on the ground. I felt something familiar bubble up in my brain. A seething, rich anger that was not as explosive as my usual sort. This fury was cold and quiet.

This was a duel to the death, and he’d already made a bunch of attempts on my life. Sure, this motherfucker was a pain in my ass. Yeah, he was a stinky, fuck-faced clown. But those weren’t reasons to kill him. The reason to kill him was because he was an imminent threat to my life, and I didn’t have to feel bad about that. He’d killed others already—people who hadn’t come back. I had a feeling there was something about this little crack circle that was responsible. But not nearly as much as he was. This was about survival—and there wasn’t room for mercy in survival. There was only room for winners and losers, and I wasn’t about to be a loser.

My haladie felt alive in my hands as I aimed for the sprawled dwarf on the ground. My pulse thrummed with the anticipation of victory. It was one of those moments that begged for contemplation, for a noble monologue about restraint and heroism. Perhaps a dialogue where I wrestled with the inner turmoil of ending another life.

You know how, in the movies, the big heroic hunk usually pauses, giving the villain a chance for a redemption arc? The audience expects that, right? Some grand gesture of kindness, proving that the main character is above it all—that he isn’t a fuckin’ giganto knob rash like his enemy. The protagonist usually hesitates, maybe even offering the villain a chance to surrender or join the right side. The crowd sighs in relief, comforted by the triumph of human goodness.

I could almost hear the imaginary audience in my head, urging me to show mercy. To let Alpha live, to walk away and teach him a lesson about humility and respect. The typical hero wouldn't take a life; they would rise above, offer lenience, and even a second chance.

But, I wasn’t that kind of hero.

I released the haladie right at the numpty sumbitch with all the pent-up, Ability-fueled frustration I had in my angry orc body.

And that’s when a flaming creature landed on my back.

The haladie went wide, missing Alpha entirely, and I stumbled forward. A sharp, piercing pain sliced through me and I howled. The crowd, which had been cheering until now, fell silent.

Then the screams started.

I grabbed the only thing I could—one of the legs—and executed—what I like to imagine was—a Judo-perfect shoulder throw, slamming the beast onto the ground. That was when I actually got a good look at it. And wouldn’t you know it, it was, for lack of a better word, a fire spider.

The damned thing was not only flaming but also bigger than a pitbull and a whole lot meaner. Its flaming body lashed out, its spidery legs scrabbling for purchase again.

“Nice try, you punk bi—”

It flexed its legs backward, pushed off the ground, and shot right at me, burrowing its legs into the front of my torso this time. Then it bit me again.

“Fuck! Fuck!” I roared.

I flailed, panicking, desperate to get it off. It was a whirl of arms and legs and fire and pain and shrieking. I rolled on the ground, trying to extinguish the flames. The stench of burning hair and flesh filled the air.

The spider hissed, a chilling sound, and bit down harder. Something incredibly gross flowed from s fangs, seeping into the bite and sending fresh waves of agony coursing through me.

Alpha, the prick, was just staring like a moon-eyed piss flap at what was happening. But I couldn't deal with him right now. All I could focus on was the flaming arachnid latched onto my chest, the venom coursing through my veins, and the heat of the fire cooking me alive.

But I wasn't going to die here. I wasn't going to let a damn oversized, candle-mimicking bug or a tiny, acid-spewing dwarf beat me.

So what? I thought. This isn’t the fight you expected, but it's the fight you’re going to win. Fuck ‘em up, Loon style.

My body screamed in protest as I pushed through the pain, rolling and pounding the spider with my fist. The flames flickered, sputtered, and then died down. With a final, brutal slam, I smashed the spider off. But I wasn’t done. I grabbed it by the legs, pinning them in hog-tie fashion, and spun in a circle before chucking that motherfucker with all my strength, sending it skittering away. I staggered, panting heavily.

My back and my front felt like they’d been fried, poison was wreaking havoc in my capillaries, and I had probably lost a fair amount of blood. Still, I looked around at the scene. The entire camp was in disarray. The whole camp—and I mean all of them—scrambled about in fear and confusion. The organized chaos of a minute ago was now just plain original recipe chaos.

I turned to Alpha, a smirk pulling at my lips.

"Well, I bet you didn't see that one co—" I started, but my words were drowned out by a sinister sound.

A high-pitched, almost ultrasonic chittering filled the air, cutting through the pandemonium like a noise-canceling lightsaber. We all froze in our tracks, heads whipping around to locate the source of the sound. Then the ground began to move. Or at least, that’s what it looked like.

From the edge of the encampment, a wave of creatures flooded in. They were spiders. Dozens of them. Hundreds of them. Each one bigger than the last, their bodies glowing with an eerie, unnatural light. A sea of flaming arachnids charging towards us.

The eerie silence that had fallen over the camp shattered like glass. Screams filled the air as everyone realized what was happening. Some people tried to grab their weapons, others started muttering Spells, and the rest just seemed to be tearing off to escape the inevitable death. It was a fucking scene, that’s for sure.

Somewhere amidst the chaos, the elf that had arrived with Alpha suddenly stood on a tree stump and shrieked.

"FIRE SPIDERS! RUN!"