Chapter 177: Ninja Lie

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“No, walking on mist was the easy part—at least once we figured out how. I mean, it’s made of water, duh.” Noburi rolled his eyes as if to dismiss the obvious. “Where we hit the problem was when it started dissipating and we were still high up. It kept rising, and by that point we were a mile above the ground. If we leaped down, we’d go splat and that would be the end of Team Uplift’s adventures. Instead, we had to keep moving between patches of cloud, hoping another one would drift down and let us get off safely. I’ll jump ahead now,” he gave a sly grin, “and tell you that’s not how we made our amazing escape.”

“See, instead of finding a way down, we ended up climbing right onto the cloud layer. And let me tell you, the view up there? It’s to die for. Almost literally, in our case. I was still busy trying to give Hazō a hand up—he’s kinda clumsy for a ninja—when we came under attack. Yes, above the clouds. We barely had a second’s warning before we got hit by an entire patrol from the Village Hidden in the Sky.

“I mean, that wasn’t so bad in and of itself. Sure, they had all sorts of Wind Element ninjutsu we’d never seen before, but there were only twelve of them, and only the leader was a jōnin. No, what nearly got us was their sky squid mounts. Yeah, sky squid are real, and they really do like to latch onto your head and eat your brains.” Noburi made tentacular wiggling motions with his hands, prompting a couple of the kunoichi in the audience to shrink back. “And while Hazō was obviously safe, that just meant more of them went for me. To say nothing of Keiko, who was like breakfast, lunch and dinner to them all at once.”

“It was nearly the end of us there and then. But at the last second, I had a flash of inspiration. See, I’m a Wakahisa—and those were rainclouds we were standing on. All I had to do was synchronise my chakra system with Keiko's mental powers, and together we unleashed the world's first Fusion Bloodline Limit: the Liquid Barrel!"

-o-​

A few hours earlier…

“Well,” Hazō said, “how about we just lie?”

Keiko raised an eyebrow. “I am confident that I will regret it, but pray elaborate.”

“We’re ninja. Of course we’re going to lie, mislead and dissemble. It’s what ninja do. How many people do you think believe the official story in the first place? Maybe civilians will, but even they have politicians who must have seen this kind of thing before. I’m not saying we should get up on a podium and proclaim that the Hokage is a liar, but in private conversations I think we’ll find everyone already knows the official story is fiction, and for all we know they’ll secretly be offended if we talk like we expect them to believe it.”

“All right,” Noburi said. “So you want us to lie, which is to say the exact opposite of what you did earlier. What’s your version of the story?”

“Everyone’s already expecting us to lie about the details because we’re ninja. So if we want to earn goodwill, we have to focus on the emotional side, and make that sound as genuine as possible. That’s not hard. Just blame Yagura for everything. That should go over well since I don’t think anyone in this building is much of a fan of his, foreigners or Mist-nin. His policies made us miserable while we were still in Mist. We didn’t become missing-nin out of treason but because of circumstances outside our control, and then we were too afraid to go back because we knew what he’d do to us. We saw a chance to get taken in by Leaf and stop being missing-nin, and we took it as part of a trade. Doesn’t matter what. The Pangolin Scroll, maybe. We like Leaf, we’re happy there, but that doesn’t mean we hate Mist. There are still plenty of people here we care about, and it’s not like we ever had a problem with the village, just with the previous Mizukage who is no longer here. None of the emotional core of that is a lie, and if anyone calls us on contradicting details, so what? We correct them, or we deflect it, or we find some way to brush it off like it doesn’t matter.

“If anything, now I think of it, it’s an advantage in terms of information control. If everyone else has slightly different stories, they won’t be able to home in on the truth and extract any valuable information we might have accidentally let slip.”

Keiko raised her eyebrow again.

“I’m just saying. So what do you two think?”

“I must confess a certain amount of scepticism regarding the underlying concept,” Keiko said. “The key to mastery of deception is a reputation for honesty, or at the very least for not lying about matters of profound importance. Mari-sensei is an excellent example, as despite her terrifying readiness to deceive us for her own amusement, she has nevertheless earned our absolute trust.

“On the other hand, when you lie so frequently that it becomes impossible to tell whether you are telling the truth at any given time, the signal to noise ratio deteriorates beyond repair and others simply cease to listen to you. I fail to see how being a ninja has any bearing on this.”

“Does that mean you object to the idea?”

Keiko shook her head. “I am sceptical, yes, but I also acknowledge that we are more likely to successfully purchase a telescope than I am to achieve mastery of social manipulation. In this regard, I would prefer to rely on Noburi’s opinion.”

Noburi gave her a surprised look. “Thanks, Keiko.”

Huh. That was the first time they’d made eye contact in days. It wasn’t something Hazō would normally have noticed, but ever since the second event or so, the two hadn’t really spoken to each other much at all apart from purely pragmatic topics. Meaning that all the ribbing and all the snark from both sides ended up being directed at him. He hoped they weren’t having a fight, because now was not a good time.

“As it happens, I’m willing to give it a try,” Noburi said. “It’ll make a nice change from Hazō’s usual open mouth policy, and it’s a long-overdue chance to start writing our own story.”

“Speaking of open mouths,” Hazō said, “you have some damage control to do…”

-o-​

“We really thought we were done for. I mean, we’d heard all about all the famous battles which actually took place in ancient Earth Country, but we never expected this giant enemy worm. This thing was huge. It could tunnel through mountains like they were made of foam. It had teeth the size of chakra megalodons.” Noburi reached up to indicate the size of the teeth, then stopped with a tsk when his hand hit the ceiling.

“But what the worm didn’t know as it dived at us was that Hazō had prepared explosive runes that morning. Now I’ll be the first to admit that my teammate can’t punch for toffee, but on the other hand he’s a sealmaster taught by the Black Hunter himself. So when he prepares explosive runes, he really prepares explosive runes. Blam!” Noburi flung his hands open as if forced apart by an explosion. “Between my leadership, Keiko’s encyclopaedic knowledge of monster weaknesses and Hazō’s destructive seals, we were able to attack its weak point for massive damage. This giant chakra earthworm, which had torn through Hidden Rock’s best squads like they were parchment—no offence, Team Malachite—went down with half a mountain on top of it. Blood and guts everywhere. Even then, it was about to get up again, but before it had a chance, I plunged the giant chakra blades I’d looted from Hidden Sky right into its eyes! It was a fitting end to the monster slaying of the century.

“Why have none of the Rock teams ever heard about this, you ask? That’s a great question. See, the Tsuchikage’s beautiful daughter had taken a shine to me from the moment we met, and that very night…”

-o-​

“Come on, Team Mamoru,” Hazō pleaded. “You have to send Hatake Kakashi to close that interdimensional gate before anything else comes through. You know Uchiha Itachi doesn’t have the sanity, and Killer Bee is still delayed after that bad roll.”

“Are you sure?” Hinago asked. “We were thinking we’d grab that clue token in Wolf since Team Bloodrage isn’t getting a new agent until next turn.”

“It’s the dice,” Hōjō muttered as he absent-mindedly adjusted the scythe perpetually slung over his shoulder. “Jashin has cursed them. Why else would we have lost four agents in a row?”

“Because you keep sending them at the toughest monsters without taking time to gear up first, maybe?” Fūma smirked, tapping her agent's set of kinjutsu cards meaningfully with a fingertip. “Why don’t we just use Tsunade’s ability to un-delay Killer Bee and then send him to Hidden Mist by ship? I think we can all agree that getting rid of the gate in Mist is a bigger priority. We need those hunter-nin if we’re going to take out the spandex horror in Fang.”

“Not bad for a backwater dog,” Yotsuki sneered. “After last round’s fiasco, I was starting to think the Fūma were as stupid as they were ugly.”

Fūma leapt to her feet. “You want to say that again, Cloud scum?”

“Not now, girls,” Hinago said wearily. Hazō noticed her hand moving surreptitiously towards the snake-patterned pouch at her waist. “Do I need to remind you that the Moon Princess will awaken in six rounds if we don’t do anything?”

Yotsuki glanced back down at the board. “Ugh. Fine. Tsunade uses Breath of Life to un-delay Killer Bee and restore two health. Then we move her to Claw to try and buff her Taijutsu. Pass the encounter deck, Fūma dog.”

The cooperative game of Sealing Failure was in its seventh round, and so far not one drop of real-life blood had been shed. Hazō was a genius.

Of course, the first couple of games had not gone anywhere near so well, but now Hazō was finally getting the hang of it. The key was to get the right balance of peacemakers (like Team Mamoru’s Hinago Yuri), people who got so into the game that they stopped caring about inter-village rivalries (like the entirety of Team Bloodrage) and people who hated each other but would grudgingly cooperate when influenced by the other two groups (like Team Q’s Yotsuki Hanako and Team Sayuri’s Fūma Jun).

“You know,” Hazō said casually, “Killer Bee’s situation reminds me of what happened in the Second Event. We had lots of resources, but no matter how much we ran around, we didn’t get the opportunity to use most of them before we took a lethal hit. Funny coincidence, huh?”

Hinago gave him a sideways look. “Sure you did, Gōketsu. I was there when your proctor dropped by for a booty call. I know love is supposed to conquer all, but seriously, ick.”

“Are you kidding? That was just her coming back to mess with us because everybody in Mist hates us. You mean your proctor didn’t mess with you?”

“Our proctor was fine,” Hinago said. “He was just in it for the money. What got us were the assholes who snuck into our room at the inn and left three different layers of traps. Or at least we found three before the client got propelled out of the window.”

“Hey, Yuri,” one of the other members of Team Mamoru called out. “It’s our turn. Are we still sending Hatake Kakashi to close the gate in Rain, or are we using his Perverted Novels to restore Uchiha Itachi’s sanity so he can do it?”

-o-​

“Nonono, this was after we stole the Sage’s blood from the chakra kitsune, but before Hazō used it to write the Pangolin Scroll. And besides, pangolins make terrible wingmen. Last thing you want when you’re trying to pick up girls is someone standing over your shoulder asking anatomically detailed questions about human mating rituals. No, if I was going to beat Hyūga Neji’s challenge and bring ten hot dates to the Leaf Founding Anniversary party (I’ll skip ahead and tell you, he didn’t even get one), I was going to have to get creative.

“Now, Yamanaka Ino was easy to please as long as you knew your flowers, and Hyūga Hinata loved discussing literature. Akimichi Chōko was easy to seduce with the promise of food. Haruno Sakura took more work, but in the end she couldn’t resist my masculine charm. Keiko was a given, of course. Aburame Takano had never been asked out before. Tenten mostly came to annoy Hyūga, I think. But that was where I started hitting difficulties, the first one being that Rock Lee had got wind of the challenge and decided he wanted to be one of my dates. Sometimes it’s tough being irresistible to both genders. Fortunately, I knew exactly what to—

“Oh, uh, hey there, girls. Didn’t know the other Leaf teams were already here.

“Please put that down! I can explain!”

Author's Notes:

Your impromptu gaming group has borne fruit. You are now acquainted with a number of teams from various different countries and villages. Some of them like you more than they did before, and some of them like each other more than they did before. The latter is a triumph from a long-term perspective, but could be a disaster in the short-term.

You’re pretty sure that everything you tried to do on a social level, at least some of them tried to do as well.

Most of the teams you met claim that they were disqualified due to client assassination or misunderstanding the rules. Team Bloodrage claims that their client ran away. Only a couple admit to having used clever tricks to game the rules, such as the Mist team that subtly hinted at belonging to the Mizukage’s secret police and thus got bribed with enormously favourable terms.

Opinions on the Leaf-Mist situation vary. Nobody except Cloud, Hot Springs and a few of the far eastern villages particularly likes Mist, but there is vague hope that the new Mizukage (about whom they know little) will be less of a warmonger than the last, and thus the other villages will finally be free to turn their attention to their more immediate enemies. Mist's well-cultivated reputation for viciousness is serving as an incentive to hold off on attacking it, since even if it lost, it would make invaders bleed for every inch of ground. That said, if it shows weakness at the exams...

Everybody is generally relieved that Leaf has been weakened, since while it is seen as less aggressive than Mist, it is a sleeping giant which is likely hiding its full strength. Right now, everyone seems to be waiting to see just how weak Leaf has become, and whether Jiraiya is a strong enough leader to maintain the geopolitical status quo or whether this is an opening to take Leaf down the like of which might not come again for generations.

As for Leaf-Mist diplomacy, many of the ninja you’ve spoken to are unaware that anything special is going on beyond the usual opportunities for negotiation created by the Chūnin Exam. However, some of the clan kids are savvy enough to know or at least speculate. Some of them (particularly from the smaller villages) expect an alliance which will be the beginning of a new tyrannical superpower, combining Leaf’s resources and technology with Mist’s ruthlessness and ambition. They consider a Fourth Great Ninja War to be a matter of time as the alliance reaches for world domination. Others (particularly from the larger villages) think that the two enemies’ differences are too great and negotiations will come to nothing. There is a distinct balance between “Wait and see” and “Strike now before it’s too late”, though naturally the latter isn’t said outright because you are currently in the middle of Mist. Pretty much nobody anywhere thinks that the alliance would be a good thing.

You have done your training and made 5 5SB seals. The rest of the day was spent socialising. Running board games for large numbers of beginners turned out to be extremely time-consuming.

It is now the last night of the event. You may have last-minute discussions with your team before you go to bed, or proceed straight to the next day.