Emily wakes up with her last memory still burned in her head. Everything around her was slowly fading into the back while she was panicking to breathe. The fire inside her chest was being transferred to her hand. Emily at that moment was amazed at just how much blood was inside her. Emily at the moment couldn’t stop smiling as Cody’s distressed face was beginning to blur out.

Now she wakes by her father’s side, unsure if she’s even alive anymore.

-

“I guess this is punishment for being selfish,” she says to Cody when he’s able to visit. Emily feels the rapped bandages and taps where the bullet hole entered her body. They tell her it missed her heart by inches and barely edged the top of her lung. By all accounts, it’s a miracle it wasn’t worse. “Dad said everyone made it out okay, I’m glad.”

“Yeah, everyone did luckily.”

“What about Chris? I saw him fall.”

“A mental hospital. They say he went catatonic. Andrew told me the whole thing was his idea. I guess it backfired as we shouldn’t have been there.”

“We couldn't have known.”

“Still. It pisses me off-”

“Stop,” Emily sighs. “Don’t blame anyone. I’m done. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired, Cody.”

“I know.”

For the first time today, Emily looks at Cody. She means what she says. There isn’t anything good for her in this town. Cody was right. All it does is try to kill her and everyone around her. She was happier back home in New York. She let a moment of weakness convince her otherwise. “They’re letting me leave in a few days. Dad’s going to drive me to New York right after. After that, I’m never coming back. You’ll get your wish.”

Cody looks down at his hands. They were powerless. There wasn’t a thing he could do to protect her. Perhaps there was never a thing he could ever do for her. “Don’t look back when you do.”

Emily grips the hospital bedsheets as hard as she can. “I just can’t fucking stand it anymore!” She begins to cry. “I hate this town! I hate the people in it. I hate how everyone talks and gossips. I hate how it’s always cloudy and rainy. I hate that it turns you into the worst version you can be. I hate how it corrupts you and makes you believe it’s fine. I hate the person it made you into…”

Emily wipes off her tears. She believed she could have her best friend for one last night. The kiss she gave him on impulse was almost enough to convince her that they would always be for each other. If they never went to the parking lot at the time that they did, she’s sure would cave in. In a way, she was saved, she thinks. There isn’t a single doubt anymore. Emily needs to leave the past behind.

Cody knows all too well what happens after. His plan hasn’t changed. Everything that happened was just enough to stop Emily from ever going back on her word. Emily was close, she really was. If that weird albino girl never reminded him of who he used to be, things would’ve been different now.

That girl was who Lyle was looking for.

Still, it hurts to hear the words coming out of Emily’s mouth.

Emily never says it, but Cody feels what she really means, I hate you.

He makes her weak. She makes him weak.

-

The next day, Jerrica spots Andrew leaning against the wall at the far end hallway where Emily is staying at. She looks back into her sister’s room. Emily manages to keep her spirits up while she talks with Grace, Sara, and Virginia. She looks back at Andrew who’s just staring at the ceiling.

She shoves him against the wall and expects him to react, but he doesn’t. “What the fuck were you thinking doing all that shit at the fair?!” This is the first moment she had with them since that day. Jerrica always expected something like this, she just never thought it would happen to her. And even if it did, she thought Andrew could handle it.

Andrew doesn’t know how to answer. He thought it was a bad idea, but Chris insisted. Maybe he was deluded into thinking Chris could actually see the future and Sessions can actually show the past. Like they actually could do the impossible. It’s absurd now that he thinks about it. Those two were little weirdos from the start thinking there was a bigger play to have. Andrew slams his head on the wall for how delusional he was. “I never planned on all of you showing up.”

“So what?! You planned on dying then?"

At first, he was. That changed when Jerrica kissed him. Nobody was ever supposed to show up. Andrew planned on stalling with his words alone. Five minutes is all he needed. Everything happened in those five minutes. In retrospect, he would’ve died anyway. Even now, Andrew is sort of okay with that thought. He thinks he always will. The past can never be forgotten.

Andrew shakes his head, “For once I was doing something for someone else. For Sara. For you.”

Jerrica wants to push him again but hesitates. She walked into a situation where she had no idea what was going on. Even now she doesn’t fully get it. All she understands is that Lyle was the man who stopped Andrew from being free. It’s here that she realizes that Andrew is willing to fight for her. “Was that a one-time thing? Will your presence ever put me or my family in danger again?”

Andrew looks down at Jerrica, “You seen the news? It’s over. I’m free. I’m done. No more.”

Jerrica doesn’t believe him. Every single opinion she’s gotten of him has been negative. There is absolutely no reason to ever pursue him as she has. There isn’t a single thing he’s done that tells her he’ll be a good partner to her. Jerrica doesn’t care. Her heart aches for him. It screams at her to follow it unto potential oblivion.

Everyone sees nothing but a monster. All she sees is a boy rejecting the world as it rejected him. She sees the diamond mask he wears and how it’s beginning to crack. There’s goodness in him, she knows it. Andrew showed her. Jerrica knows that all Andrew wants is someone to hold him as cries. All Andrew wants is to be held; for someone to give a shit about him.

And Andrew knows this too. He’s been denying the hands that reach out to help him for so long. He thought that all it would do was drag him down to the pits of hell with him. In Jerrica’s eyes, he sees it differently. He can’t place it into words yet, but she’s different. It’s more than love. It’s more than he could ever imagine. It’s worth fighting for.

“I haven’t forgotten the promise, yeah?” Andrew softly speaks. It sends shivers through Jerrica. “I’ll get my shit together. I’ll come to you. I’ll find you. I’m yours”

Jerrica melts at those words. Their difference in height is only two inches but it’s enough for Jerrica to move her head down so she can kiss his lips one more time. “I’ll be waiting,” she whispers.

Andrew can’t help but sink in one time. The feeling hasn’t changed. Her lips are still the single greatest thing he has ever tasted, has ever touched. Every single waking moment since his mother’s suicide, Andrew has always been tense; always on guard. There was always something to fight against. For the second time, again, every single muscle in his body is able to relax.

He’s done things he could never take back; things that will never leave him. It will forever haunt him. They’re things no one can ever forgive. If he tells Jerrica, would she still stay? Would she still be able to love him after knowing there is something the soul will never recover from? At this moment, he doesn’t care.

“Mind getting off him for a second?” a third party interrupts. It’s Virginia. “So you’re the girl, huh?” she smirks at Jerrica who steps back in embarrassment. “What a twist. I would get off her if you don’t want the girls to find out.”

“Sort of busy here,” Andrew gives a short genuine laugh.

“I talked to Emily. She gave me the rundown of what happened. Can you promise me you won’t ever put my Gracie or Sara in danger like that? Like it or not, I’m your guardian for the next year. I’m not your friend or your mom. The second you step out of line, you’re out.”

“I guess you’ll be in good hands,” Jerrica backs off.

“You have my promise. Nothing like this will ever happen again.”

Virginia looks at the boy and then at Jerrica. They’re looking at each other just as she would look at Grace’s father and he at her. She laughs and then says, “I’ll try to whip him into place for you, Jerrica.”

-

Sara sits on the curve of the sidewalk when Emily’s dad drives her away. She’ll never see Emily again. They will never talk again. Emily is leaving everything and everyone in this town behind. Sara thought she would be sadder about this, but strangely, she’s not.

Andrew sits next to her, “You okay? Want a cigarette?”

Sara shakes her head and hugs her knees. “Back then, y’know? If we never showed up. What would’ve happened? Who did he want?”

“Oh, just a girl who’s just like you. She asked for my help to set her free just as you were set free. I just wanted to do one good thing in my life for once.”

Sara plays around with a hole in her tights that sits above her knee. “Is she free?”

Andrew nods.

Sara can’t help to think about the girl who helped her, about Marina. She can’t shake the feeling that they’re the same girl. Marina said that’ll she wanted to be free. Sara is only here now because of her and never got the chance to thank her. It was that act of kindness that changed everything. She hopes that this is how that kindness was repaid. Sara doesn’t bring it up but, “Thank you for helping her.”

Andrew half smiles and brings one of his knees to his chest. “I’m sorry I tried to die so you can be free too.”

“Apologize to me by growing old together with me. Then I’ll forgive you.”

Sara and Andrew get home to find Virgina hard at work making dinner. Grace lays on the living room couch playing her Nintendo DS. Andrew immediately sits on top of the dining table and gives life to the house just as he always does. Sara sits across from him on a chair and watches him smile and laughs.

She never once thought a thing like this would be possible. At her worst, Sara was tormented by her father and burdened by the fear of losing her brother. There was a time, not even a year yet when she couldn’t see a path forward. There wasn’t a future she could see herself where she wasn’t consumed by the darkness. Yet here we are. By some miracle, everything worked out in the end. It wasn’t easy. Sara doesn’t even remember most of it. Even now, some days are easier than others. Even now there are days when everything is numb and no light shines. It’s just now there’s a path ahead in front of her, no matter how small.

On the fourth of July, she thought all of it was going to come crashing down. She believed that she was too happy to be true. She thought that the universe will always be against her. Sara saw the face of the man who was controlling all of their lives. She still can’t forget the look he gave her, a look that told her that she would be the only one getting out alive. A look of someone getting their things back. Sara saw the plague that was killing them and saw him lose. Sara saw the rope that was tied around her brother’s neck break.

All it cost her was losing her best friend.

And it doesn’t bother her because for once in Sara’s life, she gets a happy ending. Nobody else did, just her and her brother. It’s selfish, but it's hers. Emily is gone forever now as if she really died that day. In turn, Cody lost his purpose. No one has seen him since they talked when she woke up. Chris, in his delusion that can he see the future, lost his sanity and got sent to a mental hospital. Perhaps he blames himself the most.

Sara looks over to Gracie who is deep into her game not paying attention to Andrew or her mom’s bickering. She was the only one who never got involved. Her innocence and heartbreak saved her from all of it. This entire time, she’s the only one who’s been spared from this town.

Sara takes a deep breath.

The thought of tomorrow brings her a smile.

-

Emily looks in the rearview mirror to see Jerrica. She’s too busy watching a movie on her phone to pay attention. Ems's eyes look over to her father’s. They’re focused solely on the road. No music is playing. She looks forward and sees nothing but darkness and the five feet of road that the headlights give. She wonders how her dad is able to drive this late at night.

Soran finally responds to the texts she sent hours before. It’s been driving her crazy the entire time. Emily told him everything that happened, including how she cheated when she gave Cody a kiss.

It takes her a solid ten minutes before she can muster the courage to turn her screen on and see what he wrote.

“I gave you permission to find out. It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re alive. I love you.”

Emily grips her phone towards her chest. Her father notices the deep breath of relief that she releases. He smiles as he rubs her shoulder, assuring her she’s okay.

Everything before this moment begins to disappear. The only way to move forward is to leave everything behind. It’s the only way she has found that’ll convince her everything will be well again. It’s the only thing she can control.

The bullet wound begins to ache.

It’s been twice now the town has tried to kill her. It’s twice now that it’s been her fault. She spent all this time looking for someone to blame. Andrew, Cody, Chris, and even Sara. She wants to blame them all. Every single one of them did something that led her to situations that almost killed her. Yet it was her own panic attacks that made it happen. She’s the one who distracted Andrew from the road. She’s the one who distracted Cody from shooting Lyle.

It’s always been her.

That’s why she has to leave.

Emily always thought she would get the fairy tale ending she was living in. She was content in having it handed to her. She was happy to settle. Even if it was for one last night, she wanted to experience what it felt like again. Emily now knows that it doesn’t work like that. She has to reach, she has to work and try for the things she wants.

She doesn’t have anyone anymore to rely on when she fails now.

The suffocation that Darkwood brings her lifts and she’s able to breathe.

-

Cody sits at the base of where the new treehouse will be. There is nothing in front of him. There’s nothing to his side. It’s pitch black. The only light he can see is the faint stars up above. This is what he wanted all this time. Even so, it hurts him like a bitch. The only thing that could make it worse is if Emily would’ve actually died.

All of this is the result of his actions. All of this was because of his power trip and the dopamine it gave him. It’s an addiction like no other. He wonders if he’s changed and if he hasn’t, could he?

Would he be able to stop himself from lying to the next girl he meets? Would he be able to stop himself from saying things that get in their heads and hooked? Would he be able to be just content with the things he already has? Really, he’s no different than Lyle.

A monster.

A monster who wants to be human again.

He was the only one who wasn’t there to see Emily off.

Cody starts to daydream that he’s different now. He gets into his head that his story with Emily isn’t over. It’s the future where he’s now the man he wants to be; honest. He’s able to show and prove it to Emily. She, in turn, accepts him back into her life. Emily rests her head against his chest. She tells him that everything will be well again. She tells him she’s been waiting for his birdbrain. But that’s just dumb dreams and poems.

It isn’t real.

Emily said it to him. He doesn’t know how to live without her. Even now that holds true. Cody doesn’t know what to do now. He guesses all he could do is try to become the man he could be proud of. That’s all he can do.

Cody looks at the sky and calls out my name.

“I hope you can forgive me,” he whispers. “I’m sorry for how I treated you. I promise I’ll never put someone through that again.”

I reach out my hand to him. It’s a shame he can’t see me. It’s a shame that he’ll never know that it was never his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s. I want to tell him that I do forgive him. I forgave him the second I died.

I was just scared.

I wrap myself around him and tell him it’s okay. I tell him that everything is going to be fine.

-

Marina Lightyear finishes signing the form that’ll let her visit Chris. The receptionist tells her that he loves the color of her hair. Marina brings part of it to her eyes. There won’t be a day when it’ll be white ever again. She thinks the light blue fits her better. It goes well with the brown contacts she now wears. She signs, “Thanks,” even though the receptionist doesn’t know what she’s saying.

The receptionist takes the clipboard and reads Marina’s real name. She thinks, what a pretty name.

They bring her to a room where Chris is at. It’s filled with arts and crafts, drawings, and toys. There are other people like her, visiting the people admitted here. Chris is sitting alone, completely still, and unaware of everything going on around him.

The two nurses tell him that Marina is here to visit him and then leave the two alone. They whisper to themselves how she could ever talk to him seeing that she’s mute. They make fun of the green parka she wears before they split up to attend to all the other patients. Marina sits. Just as they told her, Chris is completely unresponsive.

None of this was supposed to happen. Marina never meant to put his friends in danger. In all of his genius, his only fault was that he didn’t think about their safety at that moment. She wants to understand what happened. She’s always known Chris lingered at the brink of insanity. He was never meant to lose his mind. All Marina wanted to do is to help him understand what he can do. She saw how brilliant he can become. He alone can change the world.

Now he’s lost in his mind, afraid of truths he’s uncovered.

Marina can’t find the words, after all, she hasn’t spoken in twenty years now. “I’m-I’m sorry,” she stutters. She even hates the sound of her voice. “I never meant for this to happen to you.”

She waits for a response and gets none. There’s no life in Chris’s eyes. Marina grabs hold of his hand and tries to enter inside but no one’s home. There’s no soul to use her power on.

“Everything is over now. I got what I wanted. Everything burned and yet, I’m still not free. I don’t think I ever will be,” her voice trembles. She wants to cry. “But thank you for trying. One day I’ll be free from the things that I’ve done.”

Marina is incapable of crying regular tears. Her eyes are of a feline. She’s never known the feeling, all she knows is that her voice trembles when she cries. The closest she could get is when her eyes become irritated. Those are the only tears she’s able to shed It’s a curse she’ll always have. So she cries the only way she knows how; gasping for air.

Marina was born an orphan, found crying outside a park with only a name engraved in a ring placed on her chest. She has only known love from Azul Amadeus, but even back then she was just a tool. That’s all she’s ever been. That’s all she’s ever known.

It was foolish for her to ever think she can escape the chains that bind her. Even if Lyle is now behind bars, that doesn’t stop his search for her. The entire country is looking for her. All she can do now is run and keep on running. The color of her skin, the round eyes of a cat, and the scars on her back will make it impossible for her to ever have a normal life. She doesn’t even know what that means to begin with. Her existence defies the laws of nature. The mark on her forehead is that proof.

“You must have had a good reason to take him there,” Marina sighs. “Why did you?”

Chris doesn’t move but Marina feels him come back for the microsecond he does. It was too brief and short to make full sense of it, but Marina catches a name. She’s never met her but knows of her through all the memories she’s explored.

It was all of these stories that made her believe she was saving all of them from Lyle’s suffocating grasp. They made her believe she was making up for letting Lyle get his hands on Elizabeth and all the other girls he got his hands on. But it was never about Elizabeth’s friends. This entire time, this story was never about them.

It was about Grace.

-

Gracie, my love, it’s always been about you. The world has been speeding past you, unrelenting, without giving you a chance to breathe. All of it made you think that you were just this girl that happens to be a bystander in all of your friends’ lives. It stops you from getting the confidence you deserve. It stops you from growing to be the person your soul desires to be.

And I was meant to guide you.

But I died in front of you instead.

I’m the one who forced you to walk this path you’re on. Chris tried his hardest to stop it. I tried to stop it. Now I’m forced to watch you commit the same mistakes I did. I’m forced to see you become the person you hate, just like I did. You’re forced to face a future that scares you, just like I did. Please don’t try to fit in, you’re fine as you are. You think you want what you’re doing, but it isn’t you.

Grace puts down her pen, finishing the first and only entry of her summer homework. She marks the cover of the notebook with a giant X with a permanent marker. This isn’t something she wants others to read, herself included now. She unrolls the small baggie she’s been playing with and wonders how much longer will it take for the crystal MDMA to hit. It’s been about forty minutes now.

Andrew is arguing with her mom downstairs. She never thought someone could be so loud. They fight almost daily for the stupidest reasons. Tonight is because he just tosses his dirty laundry in front of the washer and leaves them there. It’s been a few months since he took her to that rave. She wants to go again because she’s never had that much fun before. Gracie also wants to know why he stopped himself from taking her virginity. She wanted it then and thought it was better to get it over with. She wants to know what makes her so unappealing to him that he would stop right as he reaches the finish line. But he lives with her now and doesn’t want to make it awkward between them. She wants him as a brother, just as Sara is now her sister.

She wants to know what is it about her that repels her from the things she wants. Grace is convinced she was born defective; too weird and awkward to ever be normal. That changes tonight. Grace will become someone everyone wants to be around.

Sara swings the door open too enthusiastically. She doesn’t enter but hangs her upper body through the door. “Got any plans this weekend?!”

Grace jolts back, startled but giggles at how Sara is positioned through the door. She’s still not used to how peppy Sara’s been lately. “No, what’s up?”

“Mom’s taking us to the aquarium and then diner after.”

“Why ask? Doesn’t seem like a choice.”

“No, I’m talking about after. She’s giving us the night, no curfew as long as we don’t do any bad stuff. You need to be our witness.”

Grace smiles. She feels the rush of excess serotonin hit her head and everything becomes a bit brighter. “What do you have in mind?”

Sara grins, “Rollarscating!”

Gracie lays down on her bed. As she does she feels every single fiber and thread of the bedsheet brush against her skin. The coldness of her pillow cools her head when she lays in it. Grace stretches and feels like her entire body breathes and exhales independently from her lungs. When she rolls over a paw of fur brushes against her cheek. The teddy bear she’s had since a baby has never felt so soft. Grace hugs it and in return, she feels it hug back.

This experience is much different than what she remembers. The energy isn’t there. Instead, it just relaxes her. She stares at her gray curtains as she reflects on all the batshit crazy shit that has happened over the past year.

In one year, so much has happened to her and the people around her. It doesn’t feel real that in a span of years, she would make all these friends, become friends with the boy she loves, gain a sister, or even try the drugs she has. There isn’t a thing you say to her past self that would convince her that it got better.

The bullying stopped. It took a while, but she got friends her age. Her style improved and she finally got rid of those god-awful glasses. She has a few more months before the braces come off. She’s no longer that sheltered child too scared to ever try new things. Grace became everything she hoped to be when she first moved here.

There are still lots she’s unsure of. There are still plenty of things to be insecure about. She’s still scared. Grace is still the same girl she once was. She wants to get rid of it. She wants to be the girl who everyone wants to be friends with.

To be cool, whatever that means.

I walk over to read her journal.

I don’t know what to write.

Fuck

I just don’t know. Sara tells me all these things about sadness and tragedy. She tells me how we only have each other to rely on when we can’t stand. But how can we when Emily was shot? Chris is gone too. Everything went to shit so fast and I can’t do anything to help my friends.

But I saw how badly Cody was terrified. It pained me to see him like that. I’ve never seen a guy cry so much. Hell, he fought security to try to get in the surgery room after he was released from wherever the cops had him. Watching all that. Would he ever do that for me? I met up with him after saying goodbye to Emily. He was at the new Treehouse the entire time. The first thing he said to me, was just to ask if I wanted to still be his friend or not. I told him yes, despite knowing it’s going to hurt me.

He’s the only one who has asked how I’ve been doing.

Him and Felix.

Everything just happens. It builds and then falls apart. I don’t have a say. It just does. I’m not even the center of attention to my own mother. Now that Andrew’s here, I’m even less. It’s as if I don’t exist anymore. Nobody cares what I think. Nobody cares what I feel. I just want someone to give a shit but everyone is wrapped up in their own little story.

I…I don’t know what I’m writing down anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know my own feelings. I feel like I have no emotion at all. I don’t even care anymore. The word for this is Apathy. It’s why I just took the ecstasy I found a while back. I want to feel. I just want someone to see me.

But I’m crying.

And I’m gone.

Long Gone