Emily VII

I never expect to be around him as much as I have this past week. It’s like nothing ever happened between us. It’s like I never broke his heart, and he never broke mine. I think its because we both understand what will happen once I leave again at the end of the summer. We know each other. Cody has been my best friend since my first memory I can recall. He knows everything about me and I know him. If telepathy was real, we are as close to that by just how well we can understand each other without saying a damn thing. It’s why we’re just enjoying this time together because I don’t think there won’t be another.

It’s why we’re going once more to the town’s fair, just like every other year.

Is it torture? Is it fair? unfair to who? Me or Cody? I don’t think it matters anymore. It’s goodbye. It’s ending it on good terms. There doesn’t have to be a fight like I thought we would have. It’s as if he’s okay with letting me go. I don’t think he would let this happen if this was a year ago. He was too selfish for that. But he really has changed even if he doesn’t think so. If only he could’ve been like this since the start. Maybe I would still have him. The promise would have been kept and we would have what was destined for us ever since we met.

It was always supposed to be Emily Crowe and Cody Martin. The fairytale childhood couple from all the stories I used to love to read. I was living this trope. It was real. But life just doesn’t work out that way.

The second I step foot in New York, I become the girlfriend to Soran. I’ve already given my answer. It’s always been a yes. He’s been my boyfriend this entire time except he wanted me to be sure. He wanted me to confront Cody and see how I feel. He didn’t want to let me have any regret, any doubt. There was no doubt for him about what I would do. That’s why I love him so much. He’s everything I wanted Cody to be.

I feel free with Soran. I don’t get lost in my head and I don’t get anxious whenever I’m around him. He doesn’t do anything that even bends my trusts and assures me every day. He doesn’t ever let me doubt myself. I’m not insecure when I am with him. I have never had a panic attack since I met him.

I've been forced fed about this progressive movement of feminism that’s been growing for a while now. I used to believe in it. It makes sense and it gives us power when we feel we have none. It’s about being a girl boss, being independent and never needing to rely on a man. It’s about fighting the patriarchy and giving us back the power the men have when they sexualize us. We don’t need any man. We are queens. No one decides what we do besides us.

It all makes perfect sense.

And yet there is peace in having a man take care of all your needs. There is peace in relying on him to make sure you’re okay. There is peace in knowing that Soran can keep me safe. It’s okay to rely on him. It’s okay that I can’t do everything he can. It’s okay because there’s thing I can do that he can’t. I’m his peace of mind. I’m his home. I’m his purpose. I’m who he thinks about when he smiles. It’s a healthy relationship. We rely on each other. We work through our issues and fix them instead of festering them and having them blow up in our faces. We solve any problem we face together. We’re partners.

This is my decision. This is what makes me happy.

I don’t have to cling to something that will only hurt me just because it’s familiar and comforting. I don’t need that anymore. I don’t need Cody anymore.

“Ems!” Cody snaps me out of it. “We’re here.”

“Right, sorry. I space out.”

He chuckles. “Come on, I want to go the gravity ride first. I saw a kid standing on it on Youtube, sort of want to try it.”

I follow Cody’s lead as he exits the car but I never hear Jerrica ever open her doors. She’s still texting on her phone with her mouth wide open. I tap on her window, “You coming?”

She doesn’t pay attention and instead continues to text. I don’t get to read what it’s about but she’s been sending multiple, all left unanswered. I tap a bit harder and it finally makes her jolt her head up. “Oh, sorry.”

“Everything okay?” I ask when she steps out.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy.”

Guy? Jerrica doesn’t talk to any guy. Not once in the entire time, I’ve been with her has she ever mentioned she was talking to a guy she likes. “And here I thought you were gay.”

Jerrica playfully shoves me aside. “Bitch. It’s new. I don’t know. It’s weird.”

“He’s ignoring you, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jerrica sighs. “Turns out I'm not as charming as I thought I would be.

I poke her belly, “Due tell, where you meet him, here?!”

“No!” Jerrica slaps my hand away. “Back home, er, online. He added me on LinkedIn,” she says but I know her. It’s a lie. I think I know who it is. I’m not sure if I mind or not but it is the craziest thing she’s done.

I fake gasp. “Must be some guy if he gets the unbaggable Jerrica Crowe.”

Jerrica laughs. “Bitch. He is. I think he is. He’s really sweet. I just don’t know what’s going on. We were talking just fine and all of a sudden he just stops responding this morning.”

“I don’t think panic texting him is gonna win you any points,” I chuckle. The only person she ever acted weird around is...

Him?

“Ems, Jerrica!” Cody calls over to us.

We start walking together to keep close behind him but not fast enough to ever catch up. “And you and Cody? It’s like nothing ever happened,” Jerrica asks quietly enough so he doesn't hear but loud enough that it isn’t a whisper.

“He knows. He has to know. He’s okay with it. We’re just spending this last summer so it doesn’t have to be bitter.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“Then I’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Okay,” she sighs. “As your big sis, I have to ask. Are you really okay with this? You’ve known Soran for less than five months. There’s no going back from this.”

“I’ve never been more sure in my life.”

“Then I’ll support it all the way then.”

“Thanks.”

“By the way, I may or may not made the worst mistake of my life so don’t get mad at me if it ever blows up in my face.”

“What the hell did you do?”

Jerrica winks. “It’s a secret!”

It’s okay. At least she admits she’s dumb. There isn’t a world where it works out. And sweet? She’s a lot dumber than I thought if she falls for that trick. What the hell could she ever see in him?

I run up to Cody to catch up to him. Our hands touch and I have the repress the urger to instinctively grab hold of it. “You okay? You seem quiet today.”

“You’re the one who spaced out the entire car ride. Regret coming here? Afraid that you’ll get a pie thrown at you again?

“No, and no.”

“What about the time you punched the poor guy on his dick for doing his job and scaring you in the haunted maze?” he laughs.

“Hey! He had it coming! Who runs at a little girl with a machete half her size?”

“It’s sort of their job.”

“Hell no, I’m still justified for what I did,” I laugh. “What about you? You scared the shit out of that dude who popped out of the jack-in-the-box. Who fakes a heart attack just for a bit? Your dumbass, that’s who. Poor guy was panicking. You should’ve seen the look on his face.”

“It made you laugh, no?”

“I was scared too!”

“But you laughed right after.”

“Yeah. I did...”

It’s a bittersweet feeling in being here. It hurts knowing I’ll probably never come to this town’s little fair. It used to be my favorite part about summer. It never gets boring or old. There’s always a new stuffed animal to throw money at because all the games are rigged. There’s always bland and flavorless food to enjoy. I can be a kid again.

We run into Sara and Grace while we wait for Jerrica to get out of the bathroom. It’s the first time I’ve seen Sara since the news broke. It ran like wildfire in a matter of hours. Everyone talks. I don’t think anyone knows what actually happened, thank God. All this town knows is that her dad was arrested. Sara doesn’t need that stress. The second I found out I ran straight to her. The Sara I’ve always known wasn’t there. She refused to let me be with her this entire time. Like I wasn't her best friend.

Today, she looks different. Today she looks like Sara again.

Sara pulls me to the side, away from Cody and Grace. “She wants to confess her feelings.”

“Oh.” We walk over to the food court nearby and take sit on one of the many empty tables. “Do you think she’ll handle it okay?”

Sara shakes her head. “It's her first rejection.”

“Right, right,” I laugh. “She’s grown though. I hardly recognized her when I saw her. I bet all the boys will be chasing her soon enough.”

“You did a good job.”

“Me? No, it was all you.”

Sara chuckles, “Let’s split the credit 50/50.”

I want to ask. Should I ask? Shit. “Have you been okay though? You haven’t kept me in the loop and I know you need your space and I’ve been giving it to you but I-”

“I’m doing okay, Ems,” Sara says so gently. “It took a little time, but I think I’m going to be okay.”

“Good. I’m glad. You deserve it.”

“Um,” Sara laughs. “Actually, Andrew is living with us now.”

“Shut the fuck up, no!”

“No. no. It’s a good thing. I don’t know what's been going on with him lately, but he seems calmer. I’ve asked but he doesn’t tell me. He just tells me everything is gonna turn out to be okay.”

“And Grace’s mom agreed?”

“It was her idea.”

“I think I’ve been pulled into an alternate dimension. I think that Jerrica is-”

A little body comes up to us. It’s Grace. As expected, the bubbles of water are barely holding onto her eyelids. “He said no,” she nearly cries.

Sara gets up to hug her and sit her down. “It took you a lot of courage, Gracie. Be proud of that. There’s always going to be another dumb boy to cry over.”

“I’m so sorry, Grace,” I take hold of Grace’s hand. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“I don’t know. I walked in knowing it was going to be no. it’s just that single thought in the back of my mind that carries the hope that makes it hurt so much. I don’t even know why I like him!”

“I'm sorry that I forced him to hang out with you. I didn't think...You still have your whole life to figure out what you want.”

“Um, Sara? Can I talk to Emily alone?”

“Uh, sure. I’m going to get a corndog.”

“You okay?”

Gracie fidgets with her fingers. “It’s because he’s still in love with you,” she says so hurt. “I can’t ever compete.”

“Is that what he told you?”

She shakes her head. “I just know.”

“I am really sorry that you got rejected.”

“What makes you so special?”

“Do you hate me?”

“A little.”

I sigh and slump down on my chair. “I’m not special, Grace. I’m not any special than you. You just happen to like a boy who doesn’t see you the same way. And that’s okay. It’s part of growing up. You won’t always get what you want but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever get anything.”

“Why did you ask him to take care of me?”

“I-” I stumble over my words. “I’m sorry. I knew you liked him when I asked him. I told him to not hurt you because I wanted to see if he could stop for once. I wasn’t considering your feelings, but you were going to be left alone and I wasn’t just going to let you suffer.”

“He didn’t do anything wrong you know? He just treated me like an annoying little sister the entire time. I can’t imagine what happened that broke you guys up.”

“Then it’s better you don’t know.”

“Maybe.”

“Want to go on the rides together? I can ditch Cody, he wouldn’t mind.”

Grace shakes her head and gets up. “I think I’m gonna go home and cry for a bit. I’m gonna go tell Sara, but,” she pauses. “Even if truly was out of pity, thank you for being my friend. I would be miserable if you didn’t.”

With a smile and my chin on my palm, I say, “Anytime.”

I have to admit that too. I just wanted to do something nice just to make myself feel better. I'm glad I did. Grace is an amazing girl with insane potential.

Sara comes back with three hotdogs at the same time Cody and Jerrica find us. It’s Cody who doesn’t end up with a dog. “Want mine?” I practically shove it in his face.

“It’s yours, besides, you haven’t eaten all day.”

“And how could you have possibly known that?”

“I just do,” he groans, rubbing his hands through his hair, understandably frustrated.

“Did you at least let her down easy?”

Cody smiles at me, “Yeah.”

“Wait, what did I miss?”

-

He wins me a stuffed bear on his first try at the ring toss. I didn’t even ask for it. Cody saw I was staring at it and won it while I was looking at the other stuff you can win. “You really didn’t have to.”

“Consider it your birthday present.”

It’s fuzzy and soft to hug but what did I truly expect?

“Fine. You're five months late. Make it up to me by getting the grand prize,” I joke. It’s the exact same bear he just won only ten times the size and wears the town's logo on a shirt. He wins it in only three tries. It feels like it's been thrown at me when he gives it to me. It’s that heavy. “Jesus, Cody. I was kidding.”

“Oh, my bad.”

“Dude I can’t carry this the entire time, it’s literally as big as me.”

“Hey man, can I trade the bear for something else?”

The bear is lifted off me so I can look at all the other dozen of prizes. None of them catch my eye, but why does it have to? I don’t need to put any sort of meaning behind it to make it special. “How about that bracelet, it’s cute.”

Cody takes the liberty of putting it on for me.

“You guys make a cute couple. Enjoy the night!”

It's those words that make me stiff. We’re not a couple, we’re not. I don’t need to be hearing those words right now. I don’t need any flicker to start the flame again. The sheer thought of that means that flame can be ignited at any time anyways. I can’t even hide it. The burning on my cheeks surely gives me away.

“Relax,” Cody chuckles. “He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Right.”

“What do you want to do next?”

“I don’t know.”

“Pirate ship it is!”

It takes a while for the warmth on my cheeks to cool. By the time it does Cody’s already standing in line. It’s just a few strides to catch up. “Ew, no, that one always makes me feel like I’m being pulled by a giant on a swing.”

“It is a swing.”

“Shut up!” I lightly push him. I shouldn’t be acting like this. I’m acting like I’m just a kid again with him. I’m acting like I have a tomorrow with him. I’m acting like he’s something I still want.

And fuck!

Fuck it.

I do.

“Where are you going?” I ask him when leaves the line.

“I wasn’t actually going to take you there. You threw up last time, remember? I don’t want to live through that horror again,” he grimaces.

It’s the Ferris wheel. It’s always been my favorite ride. It’s been my favorite because it always gave me the time to have him just for myself when we were little. For a short few minutes, we could talk about whatever we wanted without our parents bothering us. It’s the same now. The view is the same. The town is the same. The clouds that seem to never move are the same. Nothing changes around here. But I changed. Cody’s changed.

“Something on your mind? You’re not saying anything.”

He’s not even looking at me. His are fixated on the forest. “When I told you we didn't have to talk about it and that we should just enjoy the time we have. I meant every word of it. I just didn’t get to tell you what I want.”

“And that is?” I say that like I’m not shitting my pants right now. I’ve been under the assumption we want the same thing. That’s the only thing that has made what we’ve been doing to work. Now all of that is thrown out the window.

“When you go back. I want you to forget about me. Block me on everything. Forget I ever existed and be happy with that guy I see in your photos all the time.”

“I-”

“Ems, you suck at hiding your emotions. It’s not hard to figure it out,” he chuckles then looks at me for the first time since we got inside the ride. “It’s okay. Leave me behind. Leave this town behind. It’s nothing but poison. You managed to escape it. So don’t ever come back because all it would do is swallow you whole. I’m nothing but that same poison.”

“What if-” I pause. I can’t even believe my own thoughts. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Is he playing me? Is he using some fucked up reverse psychology to get me to stay? I already made up my mind, I just can’t go back on it in the final minute. It’s play. That’s all it is. He’s manipulating me again. That’s what it is. It has to be. The tears building up in his eyes say otherwise. “What if that’s not what I want?”

“Don’t try to convince yourself that it isn't. You were thinking it too in the car.”

I can’t bear to even look at him anymore unless I want to break down too. “You were supposed to fight for me. You were supposed to plead for me to stay so it could be like the old times. I was supposed to...”

I don’t get to finish because I notice what I just did. Cody hesitates but eventually wraps his arms around me too. He holds my head tightly on his chest after pulling my lips away. I can hear his heartbeat. “You’re the love of my life, I want you to know that,” he says. He says and yet tells me to completely rip him out of my life.

“Then why?!”

“Because I can’t stand the way I treated you. You know me better than anyone else. You know why I can’t be part of your life anymore.”

“I’m not going to do it. I’m not gonna block you. I’m not gonna forget about you!”

He untangles his arms and then grabs my shoulders to move me away. “If you don’t. I will. I’m not giving you the choice here, Emily.”

I get back on my seat and wipe my tears with the bottom of my tank top. “You’re cruel. Then what? What happens after?”

“I’ll write about it,” he shrugs. “I’ll rap it. I’ll turn it into a song. I don’t know. I guess I'll move on too. I swear to you, if there was any good in us, it would have stayed.”

“This is the last night I’ll ever see you then, right?” I try to fake a laugh. I fail.

“Yeah. It is.”

“Then can I have this night? Can I have you this night? Just you. Because that’s what I want right now.”

The silence afterward is unbearable.

“I’m yours.”

-

And I don’t even get to be able to make one last mistake. Coming back here was that last mistake. Cody’s wrong. He’s not a poison and neither is this town. I’m not his. I think I understand the anger and fright in his eyes when I saw him desperately trying to fight it in the woods that day. I see it now.

I understand the true poison that plagues this town. It’s been killing us for years now and none of us ever knew. How could we? None of us are supposed to be involved but threads of this poison travel deep. Everyone in this town, everyone in this city and state has a thread of toxin slowly killing them. The only way to save yourself is to escape. I escaped. I came back.

And I don’t think I can survive this. There is no happy ending. It’s naive to think that everything will wrap up in a pretty little bowtie. Life doesn’t work that way. It’s hard to accept when everything I ever consumed growing up told me that happily ever after always comes. I was born in a world where I’ve been told I deserve it all. Nobody ever said I should be held accountable for my actions.

I wanted to be better. I thought I could be better. I guess this was the best way to give me the happiest ending available to me. It was far too selfish, but if it was just for this final night, I was willing to grab hold of it. I just wanted what’s mine for one final time. Now I’m paying the price.

No one falls in love with someone just so they would be a stranger when it’s all said and done.

I believed I would know you forever.