Chris VII

July 4th

Tonight is when everything ends. The invisible chain that binds us all will be broken and we will all be set free. The poison that is slowly decaying our lives will be cured. The world will be set right, once more.

Andrew impatiently taps his foot while he leans on the barren wall of the room. I never thought I would be back in the abandoned house where our lives changed. Marina watches over me, anxiously biting her nails as I organize all the files she has on her laptop. Everything is here. There’s so much that I can’t even begin to piece it all together right now. I just see just how deep Lyle is. The police, the courts, major companies, and a few politicians are all on his payroll. Most of it is centered here in the state, but names pop up in California, Nevada, Colorado, Florida, and New York. Even files on Golden Hearts are here and how it operated and plans on how to revive it. It’s just so much. It’s too big to fall right away, but it’s a start.

The only thing that can expose it all is to go public.

It’s all I can do and it feels like the world will change when it does. There’s no stopping it anymore.

“I’m ready.”

“About time,” Andrew sighs and walks over to me. “You hit send, then what happens? We pray, no? We don’t even know where he is.”

“Cody told me he ran into him last week, didn’t he tell you?”

“He was born in Darkwood, he was born here.” Marina signs. I translate for Andrew. “He’s been here the entire time.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? I would’ve hunted that fucker down!”

“You don’t stand a chance against him.”

“Should I include his location then?”

“Of course,” Andrew scoffs.

“He’ll just hide. He won’t care if he loses it all. You read his file right, Chris? You saw his real name. There’s only one thing in the world that man is attached to.”

“So then what? They’ll hunt him down,” Andrew groans in frustration and kicks down my trash can. “I don’t even know why I’m here.”

“We lure him out. We use the only thing in the world he desires. We use me,” Marina signs. “I am asking to put your life in danger, is that okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine but how are we going to get him out in the open?”

Marina pulls out a pocket knife out of her pocket and enters the bathroom across my room. She doesn’t bother closing the door so we see what she’s doing. She stabs the back of her neck and feels around it for a while. She drives the knife deeper until she finds what she wants and pops it out.

In her hand, she shows us what she means. It’s a tracking device.

“What the fuck?! Just what are you to him?”

I think that’s how he found out where Emmah was. I never thought he would check.”

“I see,” I take the bloody little chip from her palm. “When he loses everything he’ll go to the only thing he trusts.”

Marina nods. “I think he wants to find people like us. I don’t translate that as Andrew’s too busy grabbing a shirt from my drawer to place it behind her neck to stop the bleeding. “Chose anywhere you like and head there. Just be careful.”

Andrew laughs. “Quite the easy plan. You pretty much did all the work for us. Say, why are you betraying him? I get that you want to be free of him, but couldn’t you’ve done this any time you like?”

It’s a valid question. I somehow understand why. The universe’s pull tells me this. It doesn’t explain the why but seems this is how it’s supposed to happen. It’s absurd. It’s like it’s destined to happen. Like free will does not exist. But I still have the option to go against it. It’s not binary of a decision. It’s not a yes or no. It’s a collection of choices that all compile on top of each other that create a result. It’s math. It’s physics. I alone get to see what these choices lead to.

“There’s other people like me. They showed me that I can help others with what I can do. They showed me that I can make a difference and that I don’t have to follow the path that was destined for me. That’s all this is. I just wanted to set you free too.”

“This is some fake-ass movie-level plot.”

And I can make a difference too. I can change the world.

Marina tells me that we all attract one another. We will all converge in one place eventually. One day, I’ll meet Emmah who first loosen the chains around Marina. She’s the one who’s supposed to help me understand all of this.

This entire time I felt trapped inside this universe. I never felt that I belonged. I didn’t like the concept that I’m being observed by you. You who is God and have already seen all of this happen. You can move freely in time as if it was static as if were just moments in space.

I think I’m starting to get comfortable with the idea of being okay with it.

I’ve been running my entire life from the gifts I was given. I don’t attention. I had no desire to use them unless it served my interests. I just wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to be a normal kid. I don’t like the fact that I find it hard to talk to people. I hated that I can’t feel empathy for them. I hated that I was born different.

I hated this gift that allows me to choose the future I want. That’s all this invisible pull is. It’s never been one thread, it’s been multiple this entire time. Each one leads me to one of the trillions of outcomes I can decide on. I’ve been running away from it. It nearly drove me mad.

“But you’re still just a fish.”

What do you do when you come up with an answer to a question that has never been asked?

I failed Elizabeth. I nearly failed Sara.

Blood is on my hands.

I decided when I first saw her smile that I wouldn’t fail her too. I’ve been doing all of this just to stop the path she will eventually walk. Everything that happened has been leading up to this. Today just happens to give me the best possible ending.

I hit send.

The world doesn’t change. It won’t ever change. What I just did will be just a footnote in history books if I even get that. There isn’t a chance it’ll get ignored. The internet doesn’t work like that. People thirst for another reason to split the government apart. After all, too many people got away after the world found out about Golden Hearts. They still demand justice. They still protest to end the corruption of our government. They too, like us, just want to be free.

I wonder if there’s a parallel universe where the world isn’t so fucked.

Nothing happens at first. Marina turns on the TV. The news doesn’t talk about it. An hour passes and no one takes notice. Then someone important posts it on Twitter. Of course, it would take a while, it’s too long to skim over. It’s shared and retweeted by the thousands. The disgusting videos are shared and then taken down as fast as they are posted. It becomes the number one topic on trending.

The world begins to listen.

It becomes breaking news on all the channels. It’s all they talk about. It’s all they will talk about for weeks. They starved for attention and they were just given the most viral news since ‘08. Everything is exposed.

Everything begins to fall apart.

But not once do they mention Lyle’s name. They don’t even acknowledge that he exists. They spin it as a revival of Golden Hearts like I thought. They don’t mention anyone who was in his pockets. They’re trying to minimize the damage. It’ll work to some extent, but the truth will always be out there. All anyone has to do is read.

“What now?” I ask.

Marina’s phone has been vibrating this entire time. The longest it’s gone without making a sound has only been a half second. She ignores it all. “Take the chip and go. End this.”

Andrew is the first out the door.

“Will you be okay?” I ask, taking one last look at the woman that defies the logic of existence.

She nods with a smile, “Maybe one day I’ll find out why I exist, after all, there isn’t another person in the world that has this.” she signs. At first I think its her gift of exploring the past, but no. Marina, the albino, lifts her bangs up to show me the scar she always hides.

And then I see.

“She shouldn’t exist. The only thing that exists is you, just you. Nothing else is real. This is proof, Fish.”

-

Darkwood is always in a state of being blanketed by clouds. Today isn’t any different yet it feels foreign. The air has a weight to it as if all the atoms suddenly doubled in mass. It’s unnerving.

“Mind telling me where we’re going?” Andrew asks the second I get in the car.

“The fair.”

“You’re fucking crazy! Everyone’s there. I know Lyle, he’s not gonna give a shit who he kills when he finds out we’re not Sessions.”

“I never thought you would consider others,” I almost laugh. I don’t think I ever laughed. “We’ll be right outside, no one’s going to get hurt.”

“Why there?” Andrew starts the car and drives us forward. “I thought you were going to pick somewhere in Seattle where it’ll be easier. Fuck, do we even know if the feds will come?”

“Just trust me, this is our best ending.”

Andrew scoffs. “I always wondered if you can see the future. Shit, with what Sessions did, I’ll believe anything now. She’s why you even agreed to work with us, huh? Cuz you have a lame-ass superpower? Finally found a girl weird enough to like. It’s cute. You act like a normal person around her. I don’t think you know that.”

“It’s not like that.”

“So, did you ever figure out why Winter can’t be made anymore? Fucker probably finds it easier to brainwash his little fucked up fetishes with it than torture them half to death. He just treats people as tools, wonder who hurt him to be that insane.”

“I don’t know how to explain it. Whatever holds it together that makes it stable doesn’t exist. I don’t even think it could ever exist. I think it’s made out of something outside the universe.”

“You’re insane.”

“Now you’re talking crazy,” Andrew laughs. “Whatever. As long as it can never be made again.” Andrew sighs. I’ve been noticing all day. He’s been oddly calm. I’ve never interfered with his future’s thread but I’ve looked at them once. I can only see what happens after this and I don’t believe any of it. Andrew changed his fate.

He chose his own destiny.

“Why do you care? It’s not like you.”

“Lyle gave me a taste when I started working for him. I think that’s how I got under his control. You ever had it? Fucking greatest high I ever experience. It felt like I was whole but shit that doesn’t even begin to describe it. I stole a vial because I wanted to experience it again when I had a shitty day. I gave it to Elizabeth. She was crumbling before me and just wanted her to feel okay. That’s when we fucked.”

“You think you drove her mad with it?”

“Nah. I don’t know. Maybe. No use in thinking about the past. I can’t change what happened to anyone. But who knows, maybe the high she felt drove her to chase it as best as she could. Maybe it drove her to do whatever it took to get more of it, even if meant killing someone for Lyle. Once you do that, poof,” Andrew lets go of the steering wheel to make an explosion out of them. “You’re lost forever to him.”

There were only a few things I erased from the files. It’s selfish yes, but why would I incriminate myself? Why would incriminate Andrew and Marina? There wasn’t any reason why I should’ve erased Elizabeth’s name, but I did it anyways. I think it’s best she’s remembered as the idol she was.

I never expected to find the secrets she kept.

“I hope you have a plan, I’m not dying today.”

The water begins to rise up from the road. It’s okay, I know it’s not real. It’s a delusion from a mind that lingers on the edge of madness. I and I alone can change the future. I can help my friends. I no longer have to hide from the world. I don’t have to pretend that I’m not the main character of my story.

I will go on to meet this Emmah. She will show me what all of this means. She’ll piece together this impossibility of existence. I’ll meet her adopted daughter who introduce me to the purpose of all of this. Everything will be connected the moment I do. I will find my peace. I will find out why we exist.

I can now finally forgive myself for never stopping Elizabeth. I’m sorry that I didn’t stop you from ending your own life. I was afraid. I didn’t think what I was seeing was real. I thought it was just a delusion, that I was going crazy. I’m so fucking sorry I ignored it all. I’m sorry that I you die.

I know you’re listening. You’ve been watching over us this entire time. I would say that I hope you could forgive us, but knowing you, you always did. I just hope I did enough so nobody else walks the same path you did.

You’re asking me, God, why not do this anywhere else? If I do, Andrew and I die. If we leave him alone, he eventually finds Marina and hunts us down. I don’t know why, but this day and this place is where everything turns out okay. No one dies and I am able to protect her future.

The fated moment arrives

“Except you’re just a fish, like the rest of humanity.”

Destiny is never binary. Fate is just a construct of our actions. A permanent outcome doesn’t actually exist. All it is the collective choices everyone has made. It’s the collective consciousness that binds it all together. It flows in any direction at any given moment without hesitation. I alone cannot stop the threads from becoming static. People can always change their thread at a whim and outside my influence.

I watch this truth unfold with my eyes. There isn’t anything else I can do. There wasn’t anything I could do, to begin with. The key for all this to turn out okay isn’t even here. Without it, all of my threads break. Without it, things will just fall about. All of this won’t turn out to be okay.

It’s proven when we’re powerless. They only delay the inevitable. None of this is supposed to happen. I don’t understand.

Why isn’t Grace here?

Did I fuck up again?

Is this all just pointless then?

Is life just one big joke?

I’m just trapped in this glass box. I can’t leave it. It’s all I know. It’s all I’ve been given. I don’t have anything else. I’m just a fish. I’m just a fish. I’m just a fish.

Like the rest of humanity.

It’s all pointless.

It’s all pointless.

It’s all for naught. It’s over. It’s over. It’s over. It’s over. It’s over. It’s nothing. I am everything. I am nothing. I exist. I don’t exist. I am the universe. I can never escape it. I am Eternity. I won’t ever rest. I won’t ever rest. I won’t ever die. I die and be reborn. I die and be reborn. It’s an eternal cycle. I am infinity.

All of this is in my head. Reality was never real.

Then the shot is fired. They fall.

All of this is just my own mind making it up to keep me entertained.

Oh right. What happens when you discover an answer to a question never asked? What happens when you find out you are just you and there is nothing else? It’s just you, alone, forever and always will be. What happens when you find out that existence is a myth?

This Universe. Existence. Life. Space. Time. Death.

My friends. My parents. The taste of sweets. The taste of bitter. Pleasure. Pain. Anger. Joy. Love. Hate. Consciousness.

All of it isn’t real.

It’s all in my head.

It’s all just to stop myself from going insane. A lightbulb above my head.

“Oh yeah!” a grin on my face. “I’m insane!”

Infinity.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HEHEHEHEEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I FIGURED IT OUT!

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