Grace VI

I don’t feel good about myself. I’m stuck between feeling cute and extremely ugly. It leans towards ugly most of the time.

Now that Emily is back for the summer, it’s as if Cody isn’t my friend anymore. I feel like I’m losing him. I was getting so close to him and now he’s back to being fixated on Emily. It hurts my heart. Why can’t I be good enough?

It’s not that I’m not glad she’s back. I love Emily, she’s my best friend; my first friend. She’s just a reminder that I can’t ever have Cody. It’s something I have to deal with. I have to get over it.

It doesn’t mean I can’t hate it though.

Emily invites Sara and me to hang out at her house for a bit. Sara can’t make it because my mom is taking her to get a drug test. I’m hesitant to go, but I still do. I’m awkward at first. It feels like I don’t belong as Emily and her sister mostly ignore me as they gossip. We pass around a blunt meanwhile.

“Cody tells me you finally made so friends your grade, Grace,” Emily coughs from the blunt and passes it to her sister.

“Yeah. I met them at a party. They seem cool. They invited me to hang out with them later tonight.”

“Are you going?”

“I think so.”

“Emily really oversold you, Gracie,” Jerrica pouts. “I thought I was going to meet this cute-as-a-button weirdo, but here you are. Normal.”

“Is that bad?”

“No, just not exciting.”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favorite ladies,” Andrew walks in with his iconic smirk. It startles me as he popped out of nowhere.

“Go away, Andrew,” Emily tells him. “What are you even doing in this part of town?”

I feel bad for kicking him out of my birthday party. I was still mad at him for not doing what I wanted. But because he didn’t, it means he isn’t a bad person as I thought. I have to respect that. I shouldn’t have kicked him out but nobody else wanted him there.

“Hi, Andrew,” I saw awkwardly.

“Catching up with Cody. Patching things up, I would say.”

Emily laughs, “No way he would do that.”

“He’s a changed man, Ems, gotta thank you for that.”

“No he’s not,” she says. She talks about Cody like he’s a terrible person. I never got that. I don’t see why they have such bad blood. They want each other but refuse to just do it. It’s much more complicated I’m sure. I just don’t see why Emily villainizes him.

“I don’t know, maybe you should actually talk to him and find out. He might surprise you. Who’s this ball of firecrackers?”

Jerrica stands and goes up to shake Andrew’s hand “Jerrica. It’s a pleasure to finally meet the infamous Andrew Mera.”

“You tryna fuck later or?”

Andrew’s always like this isn’t he? It’s all one big joke but it works for him. He always gets what he wants and when he doesn’t he just tries harder. I should be more like him. If I did, then maybe I could get the things that I want.

“You wish.”

“Leave Jerrica alone and just go, right?”

“Grace, you really hurt me by kicking me out of your birthday party, can I get an apology.”

“No, you weren’t invited,” I lie. He was invited. I invited him when he dropped me home that night.

“Fair enough. I know this ain't the best time, but you guys were cool. Especially you, Grace, it was entertaining seeing you stumble on how to be like us. And Ems? Sorry, I crashed the car, I didn’t know what to do. See ya.” Andrew says and then just leaves.

What was that about?

“You oversold him too, Ems,” Jerrica complains. “He was much more entertaining at your party, Grace.”

“He’s just an asshole. Don’t worry about him.”

“Don’t you think he was acting a bit weird?” I open up. I’ve never heard him apologize before. His tone was unusually somber too, he didn’t have his usual pep. “Did he really make up with Cody?”

“I don’t really care.”

Jerrica giggles, “I thought Soran taught you to be nicer than that.”

Emily sighs and takes back the blunt from me. “If I wasn’t back home, maybe. Being back in town gives me sour feelings.”

Who’s Soran? “You don’t like it back here?” I ask.

“Not particularly. I haven’t felt like myself since I came.”

“Please, you’re just on your period,” Jerrica laughs.

“Am not?”

“You’re not coming back for good, huh?”

“Probably not,” Emily says. I don’t know what kind of face I’m making that has her giving me a pity smile. “You’ll be alright. You’ll have Sara next year.”

“And the year after that?”

I’ll be alone. I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I'm not anxious and timid all the time. I actually keep up with the social lingo and make an effort to look good. I’m not that loser Grace who Emily first made friends with. I feel like I can make friends on my own now, but will that be enough?

Have I tried my hardest and will that be enough?

“You’re good enough, Grace.”

Those words sting. They don’t feel good.

All of a sudden I want to cry.

-

Tina and Liz take me to the campground in the forest for a kickback. “This is where all the Seniors come to hang out,” They tell me like I didn’t already know that.

No one I know is here. They’re all Freshmen like me. Wait, I guess we’re all Sophomores now. There are a few from my classes but I never actually talked to them before. Around a table, they have a cooler with a bunch of beer in it. Liz hands me one.

“Where did you get the beer?”

“One of the guys. His brother can get us anything,” Tina responds.

“Say, are the rumors true about your friend group?” Liz asks.

“Rumors?”

“Did you use to hang out with Cody’s group? Andrew, Sara, Emily, and Chris. I heard they party the hardest with all sorts of drugs. Coke, Acid, Ecstacy. All that stuff.”

“I heard Andrew’s a drug dealer. He’s so scary.”

“Um,” I take my first drink. “I wouldn’t really know. I’ve only been to a real party with all of them once and all we did was drink.”

It wasn’t a good one. I ended up being bullied by Megan and I ran away. The only good thing about it is that I met Cody. I’m not even sure if I like those kinds of parties. I just end up getting hurt one way or another. I enjoyed the rave Andrew took me to the most. I felt so good. I want to feel that euphoric again.

“Oh my God, look who showed up,” Liz changes the subject. We all turn to what she’s looking at. It’s that boy who talked to me when I was really drunk at the party Cody took me to a couple of weeks ago. His name started with an A. “Alex is so hot.”

“I know right? Lucky us he’s the same grade. Maybe I’ll get a shot.”

“No way, bitch. I’ll get to him first.”

I’m silent. All because I don’t have anything to say. I don’t who he is. I don’t know how popular he is but I can tell he’s up there the way the two are talking about him. Since I’m not drunk, I can actually get a good look at him.

He’s not as hot as Liz and Tina said. At least that’s what I think. His dark blond hair covers most of his head except for the side which is almost completely shaved at the bottom but fades up to be longer toward the top. It’s cool. He’s too far away for me to see his eyes but he’s taller that the guys he’s talking to. In fact, he’s much taller. A cross necklace becomes obvious when the sun’s light reflects off it.

“What do you think, Grace? Hot right?”

“Yeah,” I say just to decline any further questions.

“Who’s your type, Gracie? Guys like Cody? I for real thought you were dating for the longest time. Wouldn’t have that been so tight?”

“I uh, umm. I haven’t really thought about it.”

Tina laughs, “Have you been living under a rock?”

“Sort of.”

Why do I even like Cody? I liked him the second I saw him. He was like this light and I’m just a moth. Everything he does and says I like. I don’t get it. There isn’t much I don’t like about it him either. I’ve tried to find things. I can’t find much. I just hate the way he just sees me like a little sister. I hate how he can disregard my feelings like that.

I don’t want to like him anymore. I won’t ever have him. I know that now. There isn’t anything about me to like anyways. It’s hopeless.

“Oh my god, oh my god! He’s coming over! Stay calm!”

I’m the only one who’s able to look at Alex while he walks towards us. He grabs himself a drink from the cooler. “Tina, Liz. Hi.”

“Hiii, Alex,” they both say simultaneously.

“Here’s another place I never thought I see you. You’re Grace, right?”

Tina and Liz look at me in bewilderment. “You’re that drunk from that one night.”

Alex chuckles, “I didn’t think you would remember.”

“I wasn’t that drunk,” I lie. I just remember a snippet of that night and just how much it was spinning.

“I guess I’ll see you around more often,” he says with a weird smile. This is flirting, right? It has to be. This is what Emily and Sara always talked about. The way he said his words; they felt sexual.

“Oh, my God! Oh my God! He was so into you!”

“You think?”

“Yes!” They both say simultaneously again.

“Jesus, Gracie, who are you? You befriend the Seniors like it's nothing and now you got Alex into you? Girl, you’re so cool.”

“I don’t think so,” I laugh nervously.

Is he really into me? I never had anyone like me. I thought Cody was but he was just being a friend. The energy I felt was so different. It was actually pulling me in. If Alex is really into me then that means I have a shot of getting a boyfriend. Is that what I want?

It’ll give me more friends. I’ll have the normal high school experience everyone has. I can learn more things. I can grow up. I can be cool.

But aren’t I already cool?

“Shut up! You’re so it.”

“Seriously.”

Emily’s words from earlier today pop into my head. She said I was good enough. Those words almost made me cry. I always feel like I’m not good enough because I’m not. Cody doesn’t want me. I had Andrew on top of me and he still didn’t want me.

Her words are true, right?

I can’t have the things I want, but I’m good enough for other things.

I’m good enough for the people in my grade.

-

But I’m not good enough for Mom to give me attention anymore. When I get home, she’s on the couch watching a movie with Sara. She barely acknowledges that I come home. It’s been like this ever since she took Sara in. It honestly feels like I’m the guest, not her daughter.

I debate if I want to join in with them or not while I make myself a bowl of cereal. If I do, the same thing that always happens will occur. We’ll just watch it in silence, Mom will ask how Sara liked it then she’ll tell us she’s either going to bed or to work. She won’t ask me. She won’t talk to me.

I go upstairs so I can eat in silence.

Earlier in the day, Emily asks if my English teacher gave me homework over the summer. I guess it’s something that the teacher always does towards the 9th graders. It’ll be the first grade for our English class in 10th.

This homework is what currently sits in front of my face. I have to write a journal about my summer break. It can be about anything and everything just as long as I write down something even if it’s a just single day.. If I draw a giant X on the cover, I can omit the teacher from reading it.

I thought it would be easy but just like every other day, I can’t write anything down.

There’s a knock on the door but I already know it’s Mom. She lets herself in just like she always does. “Gracie, you okay? You seemed down when you came in.”

“Hmm? Yeah. I’m fine.”

Mom sighs and then sits on my bed. “Are you sure, ‘cause every time you come home you always seem down. Is something going on?

“No, Mom, I’m fine.”

“Grace.”

I sigh. “It’s nothing.”

“Is it about a boy?”

“No.”

“It’s about-”

“No, Mom, it’s nothing!”

Mom doesn’t say anything. She studies me. This is the most attention she’s given me in months. “You’re mad at me.”

“Am not,”

Mom sighs again and gets up from my bed. She sits down in front of me. “Listen. I know I haven’t been the best mom lately. This is what it’s about, isn’t it? It’s about Sara.”

A knot forms inside my throat that stop me from speaking or else tears are gonna form. It's the exact same knot from this morning.

“I want you to understand that I’m not doing it on purpose. Sara is in a lot of pain right now. I have to use most of my energy just to make sure she’s doing okay. That doesn’t mean you’re any less important to me.”

“It’s just that-” I can’t finish the sentence. The knot gets too big.

“I know, I know,” she says so warmly exactly how I want to hear. “You’re still my baby girl, nothing will change that. I just need to help Sara right now. We have to help. She needs us.”

“I just want to know you care.”

“I do! I do. I’ll try a little harder to keep you involved, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mom rubs my cheek, wiping away the sole tear that fell. “My little angel, look how much you’ve grown.”