Chapter 168: Following the Script

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Hazō couldn’t think of a better word for Jiraiya’s guest quarters than “opulent”, which was a problem because it was like calling a dragon’s treasure hoard shiny. From vibrantly-coloured carpets, to sofas you could drown in, to large paintings on the walls which were certainly priceless originals, and vast stately bookshelves that probably held more tomes than a small library—in a village without a printing press—the message was clear. “Mist is wealthy and powerful, and it will generously share that wealth and power with you as long as you remain its friend.”

The other word to describe the guest quarters was “unlived-in”, and that one fit perfectly. The place wasn’t dusty, as that would be below Mist’s dignity, but it had the sense of a showroom untouched by human hands. It was as if Jiraiya visited it only to sleep, and barely that.

“It’s good to see you, kids,” the most powerful man in the world said, massaging his temples wearily as he sank into an armchair. “I’m sure you’re here to bring me another helping of troubles, but I’ll take that—or a hammer to the face—over one more second of Kurosawa Ren’s courteous smile.”

“That bad?” Hazō asked.

“Don’t get me started,” Jiraiya said. “Seriously, don’t. Let me have a few minutes of genin-level problems before I have to dive back in there for the formal dinner.”

“Ouch,” Noburi said sympathetically. “Well, your wish is our command. How secure is this place?”

“Secure as the Pax Konoha right now. Which is to say, assume that a copy of everything you’re about to say is already on the Mizukage’s desk. We haven’t got any Mist ANBU listening in—they’re scared of my detection skills, and rightly so—but that woman’s no fool, and if she hasn’t figured out some way to keep tabs on my free time, I’ll eat my hat and hand the replacement to Hyūga Hiashi.”

“What about privacy seals?” Hazō asked.

“You don’t put up visible anti-spying defences in somebody else’s property. That’s as much of a faux pas as getting caught spying in the first place. I trust that woman as far as I can throw Gamabunta, and she trusts me even less, but being blatant about it is as bad as being blatant about anything in the diplomatic game. Now, let me forget about her for a few minutes and give me your latest report.”

-o-​

Jiraiya looked slightly less exhausted by the end of their account.

“If there’s one thing you kids don’t do, it’s do things by half-measures. It’s great that you have an in with the yakuza. It opens up possibilities, and it’s something that even that woman won’t have seen coming. There are plenty of ways I can play that card. Assuming you don’t screw up with the Oyabun, even the Mizukage won’t be able to close this opening without burning more capital than it’s worth.

“On which note. Don’t screw up.”

“Any advice, sir?” Keiko asked.

Jiraiya leaned back into the armchair for a few seconds.

“Don’t posture. The Oyabun isn’t a street-level enforcer. He’s a businessman, a general and a spiritual leader rolled into one. I don’t know this one personally, but the head of a yakuza group in one of the Big Five can’t be anything less or his rivals will eat him alive. He’s smarter than you, he’s craftier than you, and he’s more dangerous than you, for all that he can’t punch clean through a tree. He’ll get the measure of you within a few seconds of conversation, and if you try to act tough or suck up to him, he’ll know you’re not worth his time.

“Speaking of which, don’t waste his time. He has people that he plays mind games with, and you’re not ready to compete on their level. If you try, he’ll just get bored. Be polite but be direct. Tell him what you want, tell him what you’re offering in return, answer whatever questions he has, and then calmly wait for him to decide how to respond. Relationships with the yakuza take time to cultivate, which is a thing you don’t have, so get used to the idea that there’s only so much you can do to earn his trust and respect right now.

“This is as basic as diplomacy gets, but don’t make him lose face. I can’t overstate that. A yakuza’s honour is their Will of Fire, the thing that makes them more than common thugs. Any insult has to be answered and any hurt has to be avenged. So if you think you’ve insulted him, apologise instantly and don’t hold back. That said, a good Oyabun can control the conversation enough to give you warning if you misstep, assuming they like you.

“All right, I’m running low on time. Anything else before I go take another swim in the shark tank?”

“There’s the third event,” Hazō said. “The escort mission. I’m particularly concerned that the proctor might dock us the full twenty points on principle, like the previous proctor ‘coincidentally’ made us last.”

Jiraiya nodded. “You don’t have all that many options. It’s a safe bet that enough proctors have it in for you that you can’t just get a bad one replaced. There’s an appeals procedure, but when it’s your word against theirs on something this subjective, things are going to get messy. The best thing you can do, and I know this isn’t much consolation, is try to be the perfect bodyguards. It’s easy for proctors to screw you over when you’re just a faceless traitor, but after five days’ flawless performance, they know you well enough for other factors to kick in. Maybe their dormant sense of fair play wakes up and they decide they’ll feel bad if they give you the opposite of what you earned. Maybe you get enough other people to like you during your work that the proctor starts to feel peer pressure. Maybe, and I know this is a long shot, maybe you’ll even manage to charm the pants off them.

“That’s your lot.” Jiraiya extricated himself from the armchair with some effort. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do that very thing with Kurosawa Ren, and you have no idea how hard it is to flirt with a woman whose special power lets her make bedroom eyes one second and be frigid as a glacier the next.”

-o-​

“What gives you the right to just waltz in here, traitors?” the proctor spat from behind the mission desk. “This is the Mist mission office—a place for loyal ninja who want to serve their village, not filthy Leaf lapdogs who sell out their own.”

It was going to be one of those days.

“Team Gōketsu, reporting for the Chūnin Exam Third Event, sir,” Hazō said evenly. They were the only genin in the mission office, suggesting that either the other teams had got here even earlier (which was unlikely, given that Team Gōketsu had arrived at the crack of dawn), didn’t care about getting an early start before all hell broke loose (even more unlikely), hadn’t found the event (pure wishful thinking), or… had turned up on time and were now silently spying on the Gōketsu from outside instead of immediately heading in. Or was he just being paranoid?

“Very well,” the proctor grudgingly conceded. He was a tall, wiry man with short red hair and a pair of oversized glasses that suggested membership in one of Mist’s wealthier clans. Hazō seemed to recall there were quite a few redheads among the Kani.

The proctor beckoned the trio over to the mission desk. He glanced down at the unfurled scroll in front of him.

“You may consider yourselves to have been politely greeted,” he said reluctantly.

“Thank you,” Keiko said coolly. “Please also consider us to have treated you with all the respect you deserve.”

The proctor blinked.

“It’s good you know your place,” he said with a touch of uncertainty. Then, without further ado, he reached into a crate behind him and pulled out three of the most hideously garish bandanas Hazō had seen in his life. The interlocking triangles of flaming red and luminescent yellow made Hazō think of nothing so much as the mating display of the chakra firebird, which was said to involve setting villages alight and dancing on the resulting thermals.

The proctor cast a gaze around the room, not that there was anything to see since he and Team Gōketsu were the only people present.

“I will now give you the instructions for this event. You will hear them only once. Do you understand?”

So far, so on-script.

“I understand.”

“Yes.”

“Yes, sir.”

The proctor gave a smirk so smug he might as well have been Kagome’s egomaniac rendition of the Sage of Six Paths made flesh. Hazō tried to memorise it for the next time he got one over on Noburi in their prank war.

After glancing at the scroll one more time, the proctor took a very slow and very deep breath in. His voice, when he began to speak, was clear and precise, with unimpeachably perfect diction but also the speed of a particularly hyperactive chakra woodpecker drawing on its natural Lightning affinity.

“The third event open square bracket begins at dawn close square bracket on November second it ends at dawn on November seventh the event simulates a bodyguard slash escort mission for a civilian merchant who is in Mist to conduct business you will be assigned a proctor who will play the part of your client the single quote mark client single quote mark will have a persona indicating what sort of merchant they are what contacts they have et cetera the client will be making all decisions concerning the business and dictating their own travel schedule around town as well as selecting and paying for room and board for both them and yourselves it is your job to support these decisions as with any escort mission it is important to make a positive impression so that the merchant is inclined to hire you in the future at the end of the event you will receive between minus twenty and twenty points depending on your client's review of your helpfulness courtesy and professionalism you and your client are playing the part of foreigners for the duration of the event teams may not make contact with any of their clan members personally or through intermediaries attempts to do so will result in penalties or disqualification depending on the nature of the violation both you and your client must be visibly wearing these bandanas”—he briefly waved at the bandanas without interrupting the flow of his speech—“around your neck at all times in order to make it clear that you are part of the event if you remove your bandana you are disqualified from the event if you remove another contestant's bandana or cause it to be removed you are disqualified from the event if you are disqualified then your team will be taken directly to the barracks and confined there for the duration of the event your score for the event will be a flat minus fifty points or whatever score you have earned if it is below minus fifty scoring is as follows teams are scored as a whole whatever score your team earns is added to each individual's total at the end of the event you will receive one point for every one thousand Mist ryō your client has amassed you are not permitted to give the client money or its equivalents you will be assessed the aforementioned minus twenty to twenty points based on the client's review if your client is single quote mark killed single quote mark then you are disqualified from the event and your score for the event is a flat minus two hundred points or whatever score you have earned if it is below minus two hundred the client will be under the Transformation Technique at all times while performing their role and is considered killed if their disguise is destroyed for any reason you will be moving around the village during this event collateral damage is not acceptable and must be stringently avoided in the event of injury or property damage the consequences will apply to anyone the proctors think may have been directly or indirectly involved regardless of whether they personally caused the damage or were definitively known to be present the penalty for a death is disqualification from the Exams forfeiture of your village's bond and all of your village's contestants being sent home immediately if a Mist contestant is involved in a death then all Mist contestants will be sent to an outpost on the edge of the Land of Water for the duration of the Exams and the Mist bond will be forfeit as per normal Chūnin Exam rules the penalty for injuring a proctor or anyone who is not part of the event even so much as a bruise is minus fifty to minus one thousand points depending on the severity of the injury you will also be responsible for the victim's medical fees plus ten thousand ryō those monies will be paid twice once from your client's supply and once from your village's bond property damage will be scored as injury to a person a scorch mark or broken table will cost minus fifty points and the price of replacement plus ten thousand ryō paid twice the costs go up from there depending on the severity of the damage any action intended to cause another team to inflict collateral damage will be treated as your team causing a fatality disqualification for all teams from your village forfeiture of your village's bond and ejection from the Land of Water.”

Hazō and Noburi stared at the proctor in stunned disbelief. He had delivered the entire speech without once pausing for breath, looking down at the sheet in front of him a second time, or using any visible ninjutsu.

The proctor gave an even bigger smirk. “Do all of you understand the rules section I have just read out to you regarding collateral damage?”

Keiko looked him in the eye. “Collateral damage is not acceptable and must be stringently avoided. In the event of injury or property damage, the consequences will apply to anyone the proctors think may have been directly or indirectly involved, regardless of whether they personally caused the damage or were definitively known to be present. The penalty for a death is disqualification from the Exams, forfeiture of our village's bond, and all of our village's contestants being sent home immediately.” Breath in. “If a Mist contestant is involved in a death then all Mist contestants will be sent to an outpost on the edge of the Land of Water for the duration of the Exams and the Mist bond will be forfeit as per normal Chūnin Exam rules. The penalty for injuring a proctor or anyone who is not part of the event, even so much as a bruise, is minus fifty to minus one thousand points depending on the severity of the injury. We will also be responsible for the victim's medical fees plus ten thousand ryō; those monies will be paid twice: once from our client's supply and once from our village's bond.” Breath in. “Property damage will be scored as injury to a person—a scorch mark or broken table will cost minus fifty points and the price of replacement plus ten thousand ryō, paid twice. The costs go up from there depending on the severity of the damage. Any action intended to cause another team to inflict collateral damage will be treated as our team causing a fatality: disqualification for all teams from our village, forfeiture of our village's bond, and ejection from the Land of Water.”

She was still holding the proctor's gaze when she finished. He was the first to look away.

“Put your bandanas around your necks,” he muttered as he sagged in his seat. After a cursory glance which did not involve meeting their eyes, he waved them over to the door at the far side of the office. “The Team Gōketsu client is in the civilian waiting area down that corridor.”

Hazō suppressed a grin. It had almost been worth having early access to the script for that alone.

However, the proctors weren’t done with them yet.

“My, what strapping young lads,” Team Gōketsu’s new client cackled. “Why, if I were fifty years younger, I’d snap you right up.”

The client was an old hag who looked like she predated not only the village system but also the Warring Clans Period. One of her eyes was electric blue while the other was an unhealthy crimson, and they looked Hazō and Noburi up and down without particularly coordinating with each other. She had a long, hooked nose, warts all over her skin, warts all over her warts, teeth which looked like she’d spent her life chewing iron bars, and bony fingers that twitched like jumping spiders ready to pounce. All she needed was a pointy hat and Hazō wouldn’t hesitate to burn her at the stake.

“No, I’m being daft,” she decided. “Age is no obstacle to having a good time, hmm?”

Hazō and Noburi gave a synchronised shudder. Keiko’s body language was entirely unreadable.

“Well,” the hag gave a sinister grin, “won’t one of you come closer, and give an old lady a hand with her luggage?”

After a count of three, Hazō surreptitiously signalled “scissors”, keeping his hand unobtrusively by his side.

He glanced over at Noburi.

“Paper”. Thank the Sage and all his many brothers.

The hag, who was clearly very observant for someone with a near-terminal squint, grinned at Noburi expectantly.

“You know,” Noburi rallied after an agonised second, “it really wouldn’t be safe for one of your bodyguards to get weighed down by your backpack while we watch out for danger. Water Element: Water Clone Technique!”

The water clone formed next to Noburi, gave him a look that could have read either “Instructions acknowledged” or “Worst original self ever”, and marched over to the hag’s backpack, which was actually bigger than its owner’s stooped-over form. (Oh, yes, and she was leaning on a stick. Did Hazō mention the stick? She was going to be so much fun to rush through the inevitable crossfire if the palanquin went down…)

The clone grunted as it tried to heft the backpack… and failed. After a few more attempts, it looked helplessly at Noburi.

“My,” the hag chuckled. “They don’t make strapping young lads like they used to. To think that a third of your strength isn’t even enough to lift an old lady’s bag. Well, maybe you make up for it with stamina, hmm?”

She gave Noburi a lascivious wink.

Noburi urgently summoned another clone. Working together and applying fundamental principles of leverage, the two were ultimately victorious. What did the hag have in there, the complete contents of the Nara Library?

“If I may be so bold as to interrupt this admittedly entertaining comedy sketch,” Keiko said, “would you mind providing us with your name and your plans for the next few days, madam?”

“There,” the hag said, “you two could stand to learn a thing or two from this cute little girl."

Through long acquaintance, Hazō was able to notice Keiko suppress the twitch.

"I’m Gisō Karina, but you children can call me Granny Karina if you like. I’m a… well, let’s just say ‘herbalist’, and leave it at that, hmm?”

“A herbalist,” Keiko said neutrally. “Am I to infer that you will be primarily be trading with doctors and apothecaries, then?”

“Those too." Karina's spider hands rattled as she played them across the wooden handle of her walking stick. “But I also have some more unusual herbs which I’m sure Mist’s more… colourful characters will be interested in.”

The team exchanged wary glances.

“If you’re implying what I think you’re implying,” Noburi said, “doesn’t that kind of trade normally go through the yakuza?”

“On the contrary,” Keiko said. “The previous Mizukage was ruthless when it came to attempts to import narcotics into the Water Country. If you recall, My Vision describes them as anathema to the responsible, disciplined society he sought to create. By contrast, the First was not inherently opposed to the drug trade as long as it was firmly regulated by the state. As such, if the current Mizukage has not made her stance on the matter clear, which she may simply not yet have found time to do, the issue remains in limbo. Until she or her representatives codify the new status quo, formally or otherwise, the yakuza must retain their existing stance of zero tolerance.”

“In other words,” Hazō concluded, “if you want to peddle ‘unusual herbs’, you have to do so without the yakuza’s consent. Is that what you intend to do, ma’am?”

“Call me Granny Karina,” the hag smiled. “Now, I never said I was doing anything illegal. Just selling unusual herbs that can’t be bought on the open market. Probably best to avoid the yakuza, though. They might not be very understanding.”

Keiko raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, you can turn me down as a client if you like, but that won’t be much good for either of us, hmm?”

Keiko gave her a hard look.

“We would like an assurance, in your official capacity, that there will be no legal consequences for us as a result of assisting you during this event.”

The hag chuckled. “Aren’t you a sharp one? Any sharper and you’ll cut yourself, little girl. Very well, in my capacity as a Chūnin Exam proctor, I confirm that there will be no legal consequences for you as a result of assisting me in this event.

“Now come along, boys. Daylight’s burning, and there’s so much we need to do before we can reward ourselves with a pleasurable night.”

Hazō had been wrong. This was going to be so much worse than one of those days.

-o-

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You have received 4 XP and 1 FP.

-o-

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Granny Karina is starting off with a couple of ordinary apothecaries. One is in an upmarket area and caters to merchant households, while the other is an up-and-coming business not far from Hazō’s old home.

She has consented to ride in a palanquin. Her pack is making the thing sag a little, but the bearers took one look at her and swallowed their complaints.

She has agreed with your lodging plans on one condition—the boys stay in the same room as her, since she “fears for her safety”, while Keiko stays in another room in order to be "bait for assassins”.