Three mortal teenagers from earth, each equiped for a paintball tournament, looked around the medieval town they had found themselves in. One of the three, a boy named Sam was the first to speak. “Guys? I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.”

The female of the trio looked at Sam, “Well duh. We left Kansas two weeks ago.”

“Molly! Leave Sam alone. You know he’s slow some days.” The third member of their group said.

“Shut it Hesh, you furry reject!” Sam and Molly said at the same time.

“You’re just pissed that I got to keep my cat ears for the tournament.” Hesh responded with a grin.

Sam looked around the street they were standing on. “Do either of you think it’s strange that there’s nobody on the street?”

“Yeah. Where is everyone?” Hesh replied. “You’d think they would be happy to see their new Heroes in person. I was expecting a parade the way that super-hot goddess was talking.”

“You thought she was super-hot too?” Sam asked, shock apparent in his voice.

Hesh stood to their full height. “I may be an ace, but I’ve got eyes. If she wasn’t the posterchild for beauty, I don’t know what is.”

Molly sighed. “Boys!”

“Hey!” Sam said. “Hesh is a TRAP! Not a boy!”

Hesh punched Sam in the shoulder, sending him flying through the wall he was standing next to. Hesh and Molly stared as Sam stood up coughing.

“What was that for?” Sam asked once the coughing fit ended.

Molly and Hesh continued to stare.

-

The trio of Heroes walked around the deserted town, looking for any signs of life. “I see a couple of birds from up here, but no people.” Hesh said from the roof of a row house.

“That makes three birds, two rats and a goat.” Molly said. “Too bad the goat ran away before we could try and kill it for food.”

“Right?” Sam replied. “Maybe it was some sort of ‘Magic’ goat that would give us even more power?”

Hesh and Molly looked at Sam, “Shut up.”

“What it would be fun!” Sam looked down at the paintball ‘magazine’* on his belt. “Hey! Ammo is full again!” He dumped the magazine of balls into the hopper on his gun, and let loose a full auto burst. The shots went clean through the building, and exited the other side, then burst on the wall of the next building over.

Hesh laughed, loading and spraying his balls across the roof of the row house until he fell through into the attic. “I can’t believe these do so much damage now! What do you think would happen if we raised the pressure to max on the guns?” They yelled from inside the building as he shot his way down to the ground floor, and came out through the wall.

Molly, eyes gleaming, said “I want to find out!” and made herself a spot to sit by breaking a nearby stone wall. After sitting down, she started to riffle through her pack for a tool kit.

Hesh and Sam stood to the side, watching her work.

*-*-*

Part 2

Several months had passed and “John the Lich King” had been busy. Several of the items in the treasury had been sold on the international stage, and the kingdom was in the black again. Most of the art was on public display in the capital itself. And John was in the middle of writing a proclamation about ‘Literacy, being tantamount to expanding the kingdoms workforce’ when a living guard (he had found out that the old king had used the undead for all of the jobs in the castle, hence all the bone piles when he had died) stuck his head into his office behind the throne.

“My Lord, Bolder the Drake has been sighted headed this way.”

John nodded, “Thank you Robert. I can take it from here.” He stood from his comfortable chair, “Tell your wife I say hi. And good luck with your new lad, I hope he grows up big and strong.”

“Thank you, my lord.” Sir Robert bowed himself out of the office and returned to his position on the wall.

I don’t think I will ever get used to being called ‘My Lord’ or ‘King’. John thought as he stepped out of the office and walked up to his throne. Why is this throne so uncomfortable? Maybe another cousin? He heard the sound of the dragon king land in the courtyard, and tried to get comfortable on the throne. “Open the doors for the Dragon King.” He called to the footmen at the far door.

The men saluted, and swung open the massive double doors of the castle (as opposed to the normal person sized door set into the left-hand large door). The large, and somewhat portly, dragon king entered.

“Oh, so the farmer king has decided to meet with me at last?” Bolder the Drake’s voice almost shook the great room, and the footmen had to cover their ears. John was glad that death had made such things as ‘noise’ not bother him as much.

“Well met, Drake.” John glowered at the dragon. “You know my proper title. If you will not show me the honor of my station, then I will deny you yours.”

Bolder glowered at the dead human. “You will show me respect, or I will burn you from your throne, and conquer your pitiful kingdom!”

“Or you could just be polite.” John answered. Gods above, I’m so glad I don’t really feel fear anymore, otherwise I think I would have pissed myself by now!

The dragon raised his head almost to the ceiling, pointing his muzzle down towards the throne. “Bend your knee to me, and I will make you a vassal state. Ignore this gift, and I will destroy you.”

“So… Death or slavery? Those are my only options?” John asked.

“Yes.” The gloating dragon replied.

“Death it is.” John smiled, “Oh, wait, I’m already dead.”

-

War. War always changes. Sure, the basics of ‘kill them before they kill you’ remains the same; but, for better or worse, the means and methods are constantly on the move.

King John sat astride his new warhorse, heavy plate armor girding his body. The Lance of Dragon Slaying was in his right hand, and the Sword of Snicker-Snack belted at his waist. A squire handed him a large kite shield. Across the rolling hills, turned wasteland, of the battlefield, he could see Bolder the dragon lounging in the sun, being fed by one of his handmaidens. Or in this case, eating one of his handmaidens.

John sighed. “Alright, I have a plan. Just don’t be surprised, okay?” He looked to his left at Lord Devon.

“As you say, my lord.” Devin replied.

John rode his horse to the middle of the field. “Dragon! I challenge you to a duel. A duel to the death!”

Bolder looked down at John, “Oh, finally some spine from the dead man? Very well, I accept!” He stood and shook himself; bits of the recently deceased handmaid flew about him; and walked to the field of battle.

John spurred his mount to a trot, lowered the Lance of Dragon Slaying, and at ten yards spurred his mount again.

For his part Bolder let John charge. He was certain the lance would bounce off of his scales. And he was mostly right, as when the attack struck it was off center by nearly a yard and skittered for a bit down his side. Then it dug in, and he roared.

John left the lance behind as he wheeled his horse to the side and fled from the dragon’s claws as they reached for him. Sadly, for his horse, it took a claw across its rump and spilled. John rolled across the ground for a dozen feet before coming to a stop.

John stood up, drew the Snicker-Snack, and yelled at the dragon, “Is that all you can do? Kill innocent horses?”

Bolder sat up. “Are you calling me a coward?”

“Yes I am.” John yelled up at the now annoyed dragon. “I bet you couldn’t even eat me in one bite, you worthless excuse for a worm. I’ve met lizards braver than you!”

Bolder struck. Head swinging down, jaws open; he consumed John in one bite. Then realized his mistake as John’s sword pierced the side of his throat from the inside, and sliced through the veins in his neck. He choked and gasped, but as his life’s blood spilled onto the field, he knew he was dead. One last time, he tried to breath his flames, but they never came. He collapsed.

A thoroughly blood-soaked King John crawled out of the gash in the dragon neck, stumbled forwards and collapsed to the ground. “I’m glad that’s over. Now I need a bath.”

-

The battle over and the dragon slain, John the Dragon Slaying Lich King advanced his forces into the dragon’s former kingdom and subsumed it into his own.