“That's always how it is when you're pushing a fighter to the top,” Boxer Andit said. “They don't have their mind right. If you think they do, that's when it's the most dangerous, because you think they're doing roadwork when they're really running to the closest buffet.”

“I concur,” Mentor Tendradius Pux concurred. “Our responsibility is to formulate an optimal health and exercise regimen. His is but to follow it unquestioningly. Any other arrangement is inefficient.”

North Pole Azinsia hopped up and down, her Santa hat bobbing along in excited symmetry. “Sounds great what's the regimen what's the plan?”

“Well, we gotta wait for his review of his first session, see what we've got to work with. Next, we take those fundamentals and improve on them, just build him up, get those numbers right. You've seen those fighters running around focus-grouping their taunts or changing their moves up, right, Candy?”

North Pole Azinsia threw a barrage of air punches. “Sure have it's fun to watch.”

“Yeah, but that's like writing your victory speech before you know when your next bout is. Did they forget how hard Dosellian Urapta laughed when he heard Cadmos's metrics? I'll never forget it. I was afraid he'd rupture something. We've gotta get those startups down and those actives up!” He jabbed and held his fist straight out, which made the stated goal seem trivial to achieve. “I guess it's not so easy though, what with how they couldn't get Cadmos to stop jumping for weeks now. But that's why we gotta spend our time productively.”

“I concur again,” Mentor Tendradius Pux concurred again. “I nevertheless hope Cadmos succeeds in breaking away from his intended archetype. Then our entrant will be recommended for newcomers. If what we have heard is true.”

“Suppose it isn't,” Clyse said.

Tendradius reactivated his sword. “Dosellian Urapta, Coremel, and Dennet are not invulnerable.”

“Especially that last one. Hey, Bel is back.” Clyse pointed at the man himself, who perhaps needed more pointing out than usual given the host of officers around him. The fighters entered for their appointments one after another, and Cadmos was happy to report that he kept grounded throughout the procedure.

Bel Felicitous Fasde Classic's face had a serious expression, which was normal for him. “I'm afraid my results give less reason for joy.”

“Tell us how it went, but keep it down so Dosellian Urapta doesn't hear,” Andit urged him.

Numbers such as 36, 7, 54 on Bel's fauxryuken and 40, N/A, 62 on his waterball justified Andit's concern for the health of his fellow officers, but not, he thought, Bel's pessimism. “That's fine, that's fine. We'll get that down in no time, break down those overblown Warper animations into something more bite-sized, all right?”

“And then you'll be the de facto main character of the spinoff among players who don't know any better. It'll be launch 2.0.” Dr. Stezlinstein chuckled as she calculated how many electrodes and lightning rods they would need.

Team Phoenix meanwhile watched sword idol Duelist Theena demonstrate the moves she had used on the stage. “Each thrust is elegant but sufficiently forceful to puncture the skin of any officer included through Part 2,” Ballroom Merilia concluded. “I am unsure about Smidgen or Wiffle.”

“Fusberta,” Hyune Giling corrected her.

“What?”

Seeing that, Rylweadh of Mercy decided to accept General Anstralia's invitation. She expected a flood of volunteers to follow her, but that expectation was betrayed. “The low number of subscribed persons surprises me. It may affect the quality of our joint decisions. Look, even Society Page Lasva is doing something else.”

As Rylweadh indicated, Lasva was having a row, not with another officer for once, but rather a visitor from Convergence/Divergence. An air of professionalism untainted by any actual evidence thereof! A pencil skirt impossible to see behind that desk where she always sat on TV! Veronica Delfosse had swung by, and she received a boisterous welcome.

“I don't go over to where you work and read off a teleprompter! And it's not because my eyesight isn't good enough, because that isn't a stat in this game. Ipso facto, it's perfect. Just like our AGN agreement is, where you cover what you cover and I handle everything around here.”

“The agreement stands inviolate. My trip here has nothing whatsoever to do with any sort of coverage, I assure you. This is a holiday for me. I have a great deal of free time on my hands these days. It wasn't always like this, Lasva. I had a place in team compositions that is unthinkable for four-stars in modern times, regardless of kit. You may think of this as nothing but the whinging of an unpleasant memory best forgotten, but when I heard of how this Theena person's fortunes have risen and fallen, and how she was given a situation in a shiny new spinoff, I simply . . .” She trailed off there because words are not always enough. Nor was there any need for them as Society Page Lasva embraced Veronica Delfosse and led her to her new family.

“I truly hate reporters,” Wruden Calx said, and at no time before or since did more officers ever agree with him.

“What's up addicts, welcome back to my second channel, Billy Does Mobile. If you got lost on your way to my other channel, the link is in the description. You don't have to go, though. Stay here with me. Let's chat. About Commandment of Hero: Something Struggle. Ursit Struggle? That's definitely not it. Sorry guys, I'm a little tired, but I had to make this video anyway because my favorite hero made it in. Theena! Now all that's left for me is to hope that all your favorites get in too, so leave a comment who that is and if it's happened already.

“And that the netcode is good. That's the other thing to hope for. The population isn't the densest out here in Al—where I live. Almost got me that time, doxxers. No, I don't think I'll bother editing that out. Maybe if a stalker shows up he'll play CoH Struggle with me. My friends are going to play once, lose, and want to go back to K*** or S****, no doubt about it.

“Well, there's no point grumbling about that. It's good content for my third channel if I ever start one. On here I'll stick to saying that first Theena got the upgrade so I can use her more, and now this. It's been a great year for CoH in my opinion. I hope it's treating the rest of you just as well.”

Deep within Freegate where the gaze of no player would penetrate unless the room in question were turned into a prison used to interrogate captured enemies and earn a bonus for the next battle, the fighting lounge fit Team Phoenix the same way a glove other than Boxer Andit's comically oversized boxing glove generally fit the hand wearing it, such as would not be the case if Andit tried to put on one belonging to Society Page Lasva or Ballroom Merilia.

Initially, the mixed punch of excitement and curiosity compelled every last officer to try out games all across the genre. The True Beryllias and Formal Figros of Commandment of Hero, however, could only lose or even win so many times before they concluded they pretty much had the idea and returned to hurling peanuts into the thrusters of passing Furious Galaxy ships to feed the pigeon in the most delightfully mischievous manner possible. Activity waned as few but the old diehards and the new old hands persisted so that the consoles started to gather dust. Which they do regardless of how much they get used, but nobody still playing bothered to wipe them down as Skaya and Sigmund had in the past.

A sad state, but a temporary one. As more officers became personally acquainted with and interested in actual, honest-to-spinoff fighting game characters, they returned to the lounge in order to explore the nuances they had failed to appreciate before they ate an infinite in G***** W***: E******* D*** and threw the controller right into Dennet's stupid grin. Things had never looked better for the laser that reads discs in the P********* as far as its chances at an early retirement owing to physical incapability from excessive use.

“Fundamentals feel so satisfying. Not like infinites in G***** W***: E******* D***.”

“I'm finally learning to appreciate how crucial it is to remain mindful of the distance from my opponent and work to alter it in my favor, or 'spacing' as Dosellian Urapta calls it.”

“The technical stuff is hard to approach, but when you get there, it's like you're there.”

“Ought we to be pleased for Theena on her upcoming popularity, or feel bad for all the other fighters? Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to feel bad.”

“Uh huh.” A wild Dennet wandered by to ruin their fun. “And what kinds of characters are getting played right now? Or even games.” The survival sense developed by every Rare through countless high-impact experiences warned him to wander away just in case the Team Phoenix members checked as he had suggested.

Team Phoenix looked around, and what did it see? The biggest grapplers, the most oppressive rushdown savages, the cheapest tricks, the most dashing airdashers, and a whole lot of G***** W***: E******* D*** matches in which two competitors jockeyed to be the first to infinite the other. The most technical action in the room consisted of Dosellian Urapta and Ozric Orn Pallad sending their T***** characters twitching away from each other with the use of a technique puzzled officers were unsure it made sense to call “Korean backdashing.”

“Well, what of it? There are as many ailments as there are people, after all, and taste is no different. I am confident that there are many players who abhor infinites.” Ballroom Merilia turned back to her game. “On the other hand, I am currently playing K***** in B***B***: C***** P********. Oh.”

The distressed Theena-supporters sat still, stunned by how little Theena-supporting seemed likely to go on. “Is Theena . . . no. Are we boring?” Rylweadh of Mercy wondered. “Does our popularity last just so long as it takes players to remember how dull we are and come again when they forget?”

Serdon Miloz stared at his musical hands, calloused by strumming. “Have I become classic rock?”

“No, you're just old and boring,” a wandering Ipons Ulsrada informed him. “After about fifteen years you'll be classic rock, and next you'll be totally forgotten, but don't worry, because pretty soon after that, more like eight years, people desperate for content will call you a 'hidden gem' and 'your favorite luman rocker's favorite luman rocker,' stuff like that. Now we have to adjust the timescale for how fast games move, so the whole process should take about four years for us. That's not accounting for any alts or Class Evolutions you might get. Duelist Captain Theena has both, and it's kept her viable, but the rest of you aren't doing so well. Hey, how many of you still get used, anyway?”

Later, when Dosellian Urapta confirmed his position as the rightwise-born king of Commandment of Hero's fighting game fans by yanking Ipons Ulsrada from the boulder in which Team Phoenix had planted the Rare head-first, he gave his new sword some advice. “Sometimes only the first half, or third, or even quarter of the things we think are worth saying, are. The rest should be stored away in case there's a use for them later.”

“I'll keep that in mind. Thanks. Hey, while we're here, I have a question for you.”

“Which is?”

“Do players ever use you these days?”

“Back in you go.” He did fetch Ipons in time for dinner, though.

As for the Theena crew, an anxious conference concluded that, in the words of Rylweadh, “Stipulated that we're dead dull, and stipulated that we will see less use over the coming years, it is nevertheless a demonstrable fact that Duelist Theena has her chance to shine. Therefore it is resolved that we will assist her to the best of our ability, whatever doubts we have about our own futures.”

General Anstralia curtsied. “Correct, but while we're wallowing in martyrdom, don't let's forget to remember that our ability to jazz up her performance is limited indeed. Why? Because we're boring!”

“Speak for yourself,” Society Page Lasva began.

“I am!”

“Oh. Uh.” Whatever Lasva intended to say was lost in the hurricane of Anstralia's irrepressibility.

Rylweadh continued. “To clarify, for the purposes of these discussions, when we stipulate a fact, it doesn't mean we claim to have established whether said fact is true. It means we agree to proceed as if it were true. I don't think we're actually any less personable than the average officer, who, I remind you, is Anstralia's brother.”

Ostros's sister laughed at that. “I won't tell him you said that, Rylweadh of No Mercy. I'll claim I did.”

Ballroom Merilia stood up from the couch, resolute. “Bores or the lives of the party, we require expertise none of us possess. None of us aside from Duelist Theena fence. The obvious response is to use that bungalow Wruden Calx insisted we take over as a private movie theater to watch all the finest duels in cinematic history, from the film with that English outlaw to that one with the Scottish outlaw. That isn't so much of a range as I thought at first. Fine, we may as well include the one with the boy who becomes a pirate and saves his love and the one where the spy duels the villain from the peninsula with all the backdashing. I'm sure there are many more.”

“What about the one with the guys who live forever until they don't?” Serdon Miloz asked.

“I'm unsure about the quality of those duels.”

“I don't care! Just let me watch H********.”

“I wasn't going stop you.”

Somewhere in unobtrusive helicopters and subterranean lairs, a bunch of people wearing headphones decided they wanted to watch H******** too. Though not H********* 2. Legend holds that Movie Night With Swords became a tradition observed in Commandment of Hero long after Ersatz Struggle launched. As for the home theater setup, while Convergence/Divergence offered to supply equipment even more sophisticated than what Team New Blood had, in the end Team Phoenix installed experimental speakers straight from Dr. Golovkin's laboratory when he threw in a supercharged popcorn maker as part of the bundle.