《The Emperor's Concubine》Chapter 325: My Memories and Yours
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To be honest, it wasn't strange that Blanche had thought that she was the villainess.
Everyone knew that the villainess was the character that was supposed to be disliked, so she was usually filled to the brim with the most unpleasant traits people could have. She was supposed to be annoying so that the readers could jump with joy when she was defeated. Blanche hadn't read any books herself, but her mother had, so she knew that much. And when she had mentally pulled out a checklist, she herself had marked so many perfect traits for a villainess.
A married man's mistress.
No manners and no regard for noble etiquette.
Explosive temper.
Easily gets jealous.
Cries at everything.
Loves expensive things and gifts.
Wants to monopolize her lover's attention.
Hates the supposed heroine and troubles her often.
Despised by most around her.
It all had applied to Blanche, so she hadn't batted an eye upon learning that she was in a novel as the villainess. In the end, she had just believed those memories over anything, which was understandable. Her brain had shown it to her like it was a fact after all. But if Seraphina had framed her for all of that, for whatever reason, then the concubine actually had been wrong from the very beginning.
Blanche gently patted her lover's head while focusing on breathing. Even now, she was just happy to know that she hadn't tried to murder anyone. To think that the perfect empress had framed someone for treason was less pleasant, but she could worry about that later. For now, she would console Theodore first. “It's alright, Theo. I think I came up with that story because I desperately wanted to believe in you being happy. And that would only happen if I was so despicable that you could move on after my execution.”
Her lover lifted his head and looked at her with gritted teeth. “Even if you had done all of that, I would never have moved on. It wouldn't have changed anything for me except for me not having to live with the knowledge that I condemned you without believing you. I'm sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment to calm down, but it didn't help much. “And you convinced yourself that you were really guilty. Just because of that vile woman.” He let out a shaky breath and dug his fingers into her clothes. Then he suddenly froze and stared at her with wide eyes. “What did you call the novel?”
Blanche wanted to avert her gaze but forced herself to meet his. “To Be Empress.” She didn't know how this generic title was supposed to help him, but if he asked, he had to have a reason.
Within a moment, rage came upon Theodore's features, and his voice became much colder as he spoke. “‘To be empress, I would do anything.’ That's what she told you to justify her actions. That damned-” He cut himself off and pressed his face into the crook of her neck while letting out a few sobs.
Blanche quickly put her arms around his head and stroked over his hair. For some reason, that sentence rang a bell with her. She was sure that she vaguely remembered talking to Seraphina once before her execution and asking for a reason why all of this had to happen. But to her relief, nothing else came. No other more detailed memories. She was already confused by this much, so she didn't want anything more. Even if there was so much she didn't understand yet. She needed more time to process everything.
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At least the title of the possibly imaginary novel made sense. For now, she didn't even have the time to think about that though. Taking care of her lover was more important to her. “Theo... Please stop crying. I don't want to join you again. I don't blame you, so don't blame yourself either.”
Her lover let out a pained noise and clung to her even more. He voiced something that sounded like a slurred “I love you”, but she could barely make it out since he was mumbling it against her skin. It seemed like he would take a little while.
Blanche returned to patting his head and pressing kisses onto his scalp. Occasionally, she whispered to him in an attempt to calm him down. “I love you too, Theo. I always did, and I was never unsure for even a single moment. I want you to be happy more than anything. So, please let me comfort you a bit. Listen to my voice and know that I'm here with you to stay. I refuse to watch how you hurt yourself. Come on, look at me.” She hadn't expected him to listen to her, but he lifted his head after a few seconds.
One look into his wet eyes made her heart ache. She shifted her weight to avoid leaning onto his arm and propped herself up so that she could kiss him gently.
Her lover accepted it greedily and kept his arms around her body, even though the muscles in his arms had to feel limp by now.
Blanche almost didn't dare to pull back but had to do so at one point anyway. Then she began caressing his face instead while speaking to him. “I wouldn't kiss you like this if I wasn't fully and utterly in love with you. That much should be clear by now. If you don't believe me, I will gladly do it a hundred or a thousand times more. I will make sure that you understand that the both of us will stay together forever, from now on for all eternity.” She leaned forward to lay her lips on his neck and left a small trail of kisses on his skin until he shivered. Then she planted a big kiss on his chin before looking into his eyes again. “Is that enough for now, or do I have to do it again? Though... Who am I asking? Obviously, doing it once more is much better.”
She wanted to caress his neck again, but this time, Theodore lifted his head in time and caught her off guard by capturing her lips in a kiss. She was more than content with that. He had finally initialized it on his own again. She happily melted for him and encouraged him to deepen the kiss while wrapping her arms around his neck to keep him close.
This was exactly what they both needed right now. Showing as much affection for the other as possible. But Blanche was skeptical when it came to whether Theodore would be ready to do more than kissing today. Probably not, even if it was the easiest way to prove that she was still comfortable with him in the same way as before. He was much too worried about how she felt and would most likely refuse to let her touch him in any way.
For now, she had no choice but to accept that. She would do her best to ensure that everything between them was normal again after a few days, even if that was an ambitious goal. But kissing like this was a good start. She tangled her fingers into his hair and let out a content sigh while grinning into the kiss.
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When they separated their lips, Theodore looked at her like he wanted to apologize once again. He opened his mouth, but her expression made him stop. He paused for a moment before whispering to her. “Are you really going to forgive me just like that? You won't even be disappointed for a single second? You might not be able to decide that right now. I don't think that you remember everything. You didn't know anything about the trial, and you didn't recognize Cedar.”
Blanche chimed in before he could finish. She knew where this was going, and she wouldn't let her lover jump to conclusions. “I know enough. I know most of the story as if it had been told to me by a third person. That much is enough. The fewer details I have, the better, right? And even if I had the details, I would still be as enamored with you as before. Because my love for you is unconditional.”
Theodore only seemed even unhappier after hearing that. “I know. I was the most despicable person in this whole world and you still trusted me. You still said that you wanted me to be happy and told me that you loved me. And even after you died because of me, you protected me even though I only wanted to follow you.” It seemed like there was a bit more to it than him just living for two years until he had died.
The concubine still had no certainty about all of that though. She barely had a full picture of what had happened before her demise, so she surely wasn't certain about what happened after. She wasn't really convinced that she wanted to know either.
On the one side, listening to this could calm her lover a bit if she showed that she still loved him even after hearing that. But at the same time, she also didn't want to risk evoking more memories of painful times. Most likely, they would come back slowly whenever she thought about specific matters anyway, but she didn't want it to be so sudden.
So, she wouldn't make that choice. She would base it on what was best for Theodore.
Blanche gently brushed her fingertips over his eyelids to get rid of his tears before cupping his face. “Theo, do you want to tell me what happened afterward? I feel like there is a lot that I don't know, and I am fine with that. If you want me to know anything, please tell me when you feel ready.”
Barely a second passed before Theodore choked out a response. “You need to know that I always loved you. Never that disgusting, wretched woman. The only reason I said such horrible things to you was that I knew that I would never stop loving you. Even when I was convinced that you were sent to kill me. And I tried to fool myself, but that never worked. I just hurt the person that I love for no reason. And you were innocent. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can never make up for that. I love you, I've always loved you.” He didn't seem to know that him being here during his second chance already proved that.
Blanche rubbed circles into his cheeks while bringing her forehead to his. Knowing that the things that Theodore had said to her in her supposed nightmare weren't how he really felt only served to calm her. She was also about to cry, but she needed to hold back. “I love you too, Theo. That's why we are here now, right? The fact that you decided that I had to stay by your side proves that you love me, and you showed it often enough. This time, you did your best to protect me. Even while I was still completely ignorant about what you knew. Even before you gained your memories. Do you remember how I acted after I came up with that story about the novel? I thought that I would lose you but hoped that you would get your happy ending as long as I quietly disappeared. At first, I feared that the future was predetermined and that I would die no matter what.”
Just hearing that upset Theodore already, which quickly made her lean forward to leave a small kiss on his lips before pulling back.
After that, Blanche continued to stroke over his hair. “But then my actions started changing things, and I prevented events that should have happened in that novel. That was why I was so scared of changing anything. Because I thought that I might accidentally create a future in which you weren't safe. The one that gave me the hope that I could have a future with you was the you without your memories. You always held me close and spent as much time with me as you could. You consoled me when I broke down and told you about the dream that I had. You promised that you wouldn't leave me. And you didn't just say everything to make me believe you. You also acted on that. When I collapsed during that ball, you caught me and carried me out of the room even though everyone was watching. You showed me that you cared for me more than for what others said.”
Theodore leaned into her touch and sniffled a bit. “I should have done much more than that and started earlier. I'm really glad that I didn't act like a complete moron this time. Maybe you telling me that you were scared of me leaving you finally made me understand how horrible I was. How could I ask my lover to stand at the side in public while I am close to another woman that I needed to marry? And then I told you not to be jealous while getting upset when you just danced with another man. I can't even understand how I could ever have been so stupid. That's why this second chance was all I needed. I had to make sure that I would always take your side this time.” And he had definitely done that in whatever way that was necessary.
Blanche moved down a bit and cuddled her face against her lover's chest while he spoke. When he was done, she lifted her head again and met his gaze. “You showed that you are on my side more than often enough. You opposed the most powerful people in the whole nation to defend me. And you always defended me from the former empress too. Even if I had been the one that made the mistake.”
Her lover's expression was overcome with a mix of hatred and regret. It took a moment, but his wrath quickly proved to be victorious. Even his voice carried so much disgust for Seraphina that it seemed like a wonder that he hadn't killed her yet. “You never made a mistake. I should have chased out that woman as soon as I met you. You were actually kind to her even though she came here and the first thing she did was insult you, just because she disliked me holding your hand. You just pointed out that she acted like an arrogant snake just because she was the empress and thought that she could do whatever she wanted. That truth upset her, and she let it out on you while twisting the narration until it fit her. Like during the tea party. Even though you had already had your memories at that point and avoided confronting her, she dared to blame you for her bad mood. And I didn't even notice how much me saying that that was fine hurt you before you started crying. To you, that must have looked like I was siding with her this time too. I'm sorry.” He choked out that last part before pulling her head closer so that he could rest his forehead against hers.
It was pretty obvious that his judgment was clouded here. Blanche certainly hadn't always been in the right while quarreling with Seraphina. But she wouldn't point that out now.
Blanche could barely keep herself from trying to kiss her lover better in favor of responding. “I was a bit worried back then. But you couldn't have known that I would be so sensitive. You intended to avoid a conflict with her because you thought that I didn't care about the party since I hadn't told you. So, you were trying to make it easier for me. I just didn't listen until the end and cried first. I mean... In this case, it was good because we had our long conversation after that. Don't regret acting like that when it finally made me open up to you. I'm sorry for not telling you about the novel earlier. I thought that you would just worry about my mental health, so I didn't mention it.”
Theodore looked at her with regret. “No, that was fine. I should have told you about my memories as soon as I realized that you had to have them too.”
Now that he said that, she remembered something. He had always been convinced that she knew about him having re-gained his memories because she had held them too. So, she had probably done something to make him realize, but she didn't remember what it was. Now was a good chance to ask.
“Theo, say. How did you know that I knew too? When did you find out? I had no idea about you remembering. Maybe I guessed it somewhere deep inside me, but I never truly grasped it. But you were sure that I knew from the very beginning. Did I say something that I couldn't have known?”
Her lover carefully let go of her waist for a moment to stroke over her head. “You did. You immediately told me after I woke up with my memories. You knew about the hole in the palace walls, which no one could have found at that point yet. Still, you told me about it and warned me about closing it. As if you had known that that witch would later send assassins through it while blaming you. That's why I immediately had someone close it and assigned Noah to her side. This time, I made sure that he wouldn't fall in love with her and that he would be cautious enough of her to doubt her every decision. He was supposed to make sure that she never plotted against you again. It worked in some way. She didn't make a single move to do anything against you. I don't know whether it was because I was on your side or whether I was cold enough to her to prove that she wouldn't win no matter what. I should have done that from the very beginning. And I should have told you as soon as I got those memories. But I was too cowardly.” His expression darkened, and he tightened his hold on her again.
Blanche gently caressed his cheeks to distract him a bit, but it didn't seem to work well. Theodore's expression was still filled with fury, and he appeared to be as angry with himself as he was with Seraphina.
By now, the concubine got a little worried about him not ever getting over this. She would need to do better than this, or this horrible past might stand between them for much longer than she could accept. “Theo, I don't know everything that happened there. But I know that it won't change my feelings for you. I love you, and I don't want this to be a problem for us in any way. Don't distance yourself from me even when you regret what happened. In the end, it was her fault, right? I'm not sure why she did that, but it was a fact that she is at fault if she truly framed me. So, even if you tell yourself that you are in the wrong, that's not true. Please trust yourself for me and forgive yourself. I want you to be with me as you always were.”
To be honest, the thought of Theodore pushing her away scared her. If he refused to let her close to him because he wanted to punish himself, she would suffer in the process too. And she couldn't live with the thought of him being distant from her. Still, she gave her best not to cry and hoped that he wouldn't notice how.
But of course, Theodore wouldn't always see when she was feeling unwell. He immediately pulled her closer and replied. “I won't push you away. Never again. I want to be with you and make you the happiest that you could ever be. I'm all yours. Even if I will never stop hating myself for what happened there, I will not make you suffer for it. I swear that on my life and everything that I am. I will shower you with the affection and love that you deserve. After everything that happened, I only love you more, so there is no way that I could keep you at a distance. I want to give you my everything too, from now on until forever.” He lifted his head to kiss her, and this time, it was truly the thing she needed most.
Blanche returned the kiss with greed and would have liked to pull him even closer, but that was impossible by now. As long as Theodore was with her and wouldn't treat her differently now, everything would be wonderful. They were together, and all problems had been eliminated. The only thing that was left was for them to be happy until the very end. And she wouldn't let anyone take that away.
Blanche ran her fingers through his hair as she held her lover close to her and put all of her passion into the kiss. She didn't know how long their kiss had gone on, but when it ended, she and Theodore were quiet and looked into each other's eyes.
She knew what he was searching for. Traces of anger. A hint of bitterness or disappointment. He was probably even hoping for it. He wanted her to be upset with him because it would hurt him. Even though he had admitted that he had suffered for almost three years, he wanted to torture himself more. But she wouldn't let him do that.
She only showed him love and gently reached up to hold his face. “Theo... I love you so much that you hurting pains me too. Please don't do this. Don't think that you deserve pain. You don't. What you deserve is my unconditional love, and I will happily give it to you. In return, I want your undying love too. And you already proved so often that you felt that. You even died and came back to me. If all of this is our second chance and we both received those memories that allow us to act differently, doesn't that mean that we are supposed to be together? Even fate defied the demise of two people to bring us together. That's why we should let go. We already had enough hard times. Now we only have happiness in front of us, and I want to reach that together with you. I want you, Theo, and I want you to be happy. I won't allow you to hurt yourself.”
Theodore looked at her for another moment. His bottom lip quivered, and he could barely contain the sobs that threatened to escape his throat.
Within a second, he moved and flipped them over so that he was above her. At first, it had seemed like he would be more passionate than before, but his lips landed on hers with the most gentle touch imaginable. He reached for her hands and interlocked their fingers, which she gladly returned, while kissing her in a way that proved that his life really might depend on her. He desperately held onto her but still tried to avoid treating her like anything but porcelain.
Blanche didn't mind whether it was a gentle or a fiery kiss. She would always return it with enthusiasm and feel like a flower in bloom while he touched her. Right now, it was the best way to show him how she was feeling, and it also gave her a chance to direct the interaction in a different direction.
It wasn't a good idea to talk much more today. Her throat felt sore, and Theodore had to be hoarse from all that crying. It was better not to rile him up even more by asking about details. If he ended up wanting to tell her, they would do it tomorrow after recovering for the night. She wasn't sure whether he would be able to fall asleep after so much fear today though.
Blanche would have to see that later. For now, she would wait until her lover ended the kiss. Theodore had begun it, and she wouldn't be the one to pull away now, even if it meant that they would stay like this for a few minutes.
At some point, Theodore slowly lifted his head and looked down at her with so much affection that her heart skipped a beat. “I love you, Blanche. Thank you for accepting me. I swear that I will never make a mistake again. I will make you the happiest person in this world.”
She gave him a soft smile. “I think you already did that. But when you marry me in front of an altar and make me your wife, I will be even happier. And when we have children too. So, don't think about doing anything special. Just stay with me for all eternity.”
Her lover weakly nodded. “Yes... Yes, yes. I will stay with you for the rest of my life. And after that. I love you so much.” Tears were spilling out of his eyes and dropped onto her face so that she just pulled him down to her again.
If they could lie with his head on her chest so that he could hear her heartbeat, it might be best for him. But to do that, they would have to move around too much, so she allowed him to rest his face in the crook of her neck. He breathed her in and still trapped her in his embrace.
Every few seconds, Theodore reminded her that he loved her, that he would spend his whole life with her and that he was sorry. This went on like this for minutes and Blanche responded to each thing he said. Either she described how she returned his feelings in flowery words, told him that they would be together forever or said that she never blamed him for anything.
A while passed as they were silent and just received comfort in each other's arms
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