Emily V

Grace at 15 puts who Grace was at 14 to shame. They aren’t the same person. She no longer wears those thick-rimmed glasses that made her eyes look too small for her head. She has the ability to blend her makeup well enough to make it seem natural. Even though she still has her braces, she assures me those come off in six months. It’s almost been a year and Gracie has already come this far. I can’t imagine who she’ll be in another year.

Her birthday party is spent inside the campgrounds inside the forest. We’re having a little picnic. It’s not anything special, but it’s intimate enough to mean something. It’s supposed to be just the four of us, Sara and my sister included but I’ve been itching for the idea of inviting the boys. How long has it been since we’ve all been together?

However, I don’t want Andrew around and I still haven’t told Cody I’m back home. I’m sure he knows, word gets around.

Sara helps me prepare the grill. She’s the only one who knows how to. She no longer carries her jet-black hair anymore. It’s odd seeing her with her brown natural hair color again. “Just invite him already,” she says. “I know that’s all you have been thinking about.”

“I’m kind of scared too.”

Grace pops up out of nowhere like a cartoon character. “I already did. He said no.”

“Grace!”

She shrugs, “He’s my friend too.”

Sara laughs. It’s good to hear her laughing. Through our internet talks it’s hard to get her to even smile. Grace tells me about her night terrors although I haven’t asked any more questions beyond that. I’m better off not gossiping. It’s not right, not after what Sara’s been through. Soran taught me that.

“Does he know I’m here?”

“Did New York make you stupid?”

Sara laughs again.

“By the way. I invited a few more people. Chris, Carlos, Isaac, and Alyssa.”

“I didn’t know you became friends with those two.”

“Stick around next time. I’m full of surprises.”

-

Sara finishes the decorations in the forest’s campsite while I manage to tie up the last balloon to the gazebo. Jerrica sets up the grill and Grace messes around with the music on the speaker.

Isaac is the first to show up, then Chris. Carlos and Alyssa show up together. This would have been the new group if we all stuck together if I hadn’t left. It would have been a good one. The birthday party officially starts when Carlos rolls up a blunt.

Jerrica starts the burgers with a blunt in her mouth. Chris and Isaac start a game of Uno with Grace and Sara. I don’t like to play card games so I watch instead. Chris wins in a matter of a few turns, which was enough time for the first round of hamburgers to roll out. The game starts again and this time the loser all take three shots. Everyone joins this round except for me. I’m forced to take three just because I’m not playing.

Cody texts back.

“It’s really u, isn’t it?”

I look up and I see Cody standing at the entrance of the campsite. He hasn’t been taking care of himself. I smile at him, then wave. The group takes notice and all invite him in. Cody greets everyone, then greets Jerrica.

He turns to me and says, “You’re back.”

I smile and nod.

His eyes are still gentle. “I’m glad,” he laughs nervously. “It’s not permanent?”

“No, it’s just for the summer.”

Cody joins the game as Carlos and Alyssa opt-out to watch. Cody is the only one who manages to beat Chris. Sara convinces me to play a game. Isaac manages to get multiple plus fours and is out of the game for a while. Sara and Grace only manage to mess each other up. Chris ends up with Uno, but I pull out a plus two. Cody reverses him and Chris draws two cards before setting down a green three. I hit him back with another reverse but he puts down a green one as the first card he draws. Cody plus two’s Isaac and declares Uno. Grace puts down a card, then Sara. From what I gather the only card Cody has is a red one. I blue sky Chris, but it was a mistake. Cody puts down his last card, a blue 7, and wins.

We all take three shots.

-

The music is turned up all the way and we’re all drunk enough to start dancing. It’s a small and simple birthday party which is all I could ask for. I dance mostly with Grace and Sara. Cody is intentionally avoiding me, which is fine. We still haven’t apologized to each other.

I notice the way Grace glances over at Cody. She likes him but the feeling isn’t mutual. Cody doesn’t even bother to look at her, he looks at me instead. There’s tension and I’m not sure I like it. Jerrica notices this as well and pulls Cody to the side to talk to him. I let it go and carry on with letting the music control me.

I get tired and sit down with Sara. I watch as my sister and Cody catch up. “You think it’s alright with him being here?” Sara asks.

“Yeah,” I smile. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“He doesn’t seem mad at you.”

I sigh. “I don’t know. There’s a lot I want to say to him, but I just can’t. I have to be alone with him.

Sara laughs. It’s been so long since I heard her laugh. She’s been getting better. “You’re a moron.”

I laugh with her. “I missed us.”

“Well, it took a while but things are getting back to normal.”

Normal. That word is such an oxymoron. Nothing is ever normal. Nothing ever will be. The only thing that is normal is the clouds that loom over Darkwood. It’s the only thing that hasn’t changed since I left. I don’t think it ever will.

“What are you doing here?!” I hear Cody shout.

Sara and I look over. It’s Andrew with a handle of vodka and his shit-eating grin. “What you can’t have a fucking party and not invite me. It ain’t right!” He looks at all of us. His eyes stop at me for a moment and then at my sister, confused. “Ems’ back? Right-o!”

“Leave!” Cody tells me.

“What?! Why the fuck should I?”

“Andrew, you should go, I don’t want you here,” Grace tells him. “It’s my party, I didn’t invite you.”

Andrew gets offended and frowns. “Nah, fuck both of you. I’m just here to party.” Andrew rushes over to the table next to us and slams the handle down and takes one of the baking patties and eats it half raw. “Let’s get this rager started, shall we?”

“Andrew, leave!”

“Majority votes, hunnie. Gay Isaac, mind?” We all look at Isaac. He doesn’t say or do anything. “Sara?” Sara puts her head down. “New girl?” Jerrica looks at me for what to do. “Ems?” All eyes are on me. Everyone wants me to tell Andrew to fuck off. “Carlos, Alyssa?”

Maybe it was a few months ago when I hated Andrew for getting me in that accident, but it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. Andrew only tried helping me and there wasn’t anything he could do. I thought I really hated him because he destroys everything he touches but being away for so long made me see things aren’t that simple. Even though I don’t hold it against him anymore, that doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous. It’s best he isn’t here.

“I think it’s best if you left, Andrew. Nobody is comfortable with you around,” Alyssa finally says.

Andrew drops his hands to his sides. I’ve really hurt him now. Even if I don’t mind him staying, everyone else wants him gone. “Chris?”

Chris stands up from leaning against the gazebo. “Sorry.”

“Carlos?!”

Carlos shakes his head.

Andrew scoffs and paces back and forth for a bit. “Well isn’t this fucking wonderful. Aren’t we all just fucking peachy? And here I was thinking you guys were my friends. But oh no, Cody fucking hates me so not I’m allowed to spend time with the only people I like. Just a bunch of fake boys.”

Cody rushes to Andrew and grabs him by the collar. “What is your fucking problem?!”

Andrew laughs, “Oh ho, what? Are you gonna lose it again and try to beat the shit out of me again? I’m ready for it Cody-kins.”

“No one wants you here, no one likes you! Just fucking leave!”

Andrew grabs Cody by the collar too. They have each other by the throat. I look over at Sara. We’re worried the two are going to start fighting. The last time it happened Cody tore Andrew apart. Grace screams at them to stop.

“What the fuck did I ever do to you, Cody? You think it’s all my fault huh? I’m not the one who killed her. I’m not the one who crashed the car. You’re just projecting, mate.”

I’ve seen Cody explode only a few times. It’s going to happen again but my body is too stiff to move. Everyone is too stiff to move. I look over to Jerrica, she’s just fascinated by it all. I look over to Grace, who is being held by Sara. they’re both scared.

Cody pushes Andrew down. “You did! You did fucking kill Elizabeth! You’re the one who fucked her up on all the coke and molly! You’re the one who fucking gave her all those ideas that nothing ever fucking matters!”

Andrew just laughs as he gets up. “You’re hilarious. As if I’m the one who fucked with her head all the time. What did you tell her again? That she’s in the tall grass? That she’s Morning Glory? You’re a headfuck, Cody, you already have been. Emily knows,” Andrew gestures toward me. “He’s been fucking with your head all this time hasn’t he?”

“Andrew, stop it!” I tell him.

“Or what about you Grace? Doesn’t he fuck with your head too? You like him, he knows that and yet the two of you are best friends now, leading you on and on,” Andrew turns his attention back to Cody. “You’re just a joke, mate.”

Cody should explode now, but he doesn’t. Cody doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Andrew without moving.

Andrew laughs again. “Don’t like being called out on your bullshit? You want to know what Ellie told me? She called me the best fuck she ever had.”

I expect Cody to explode but he doesn’t, “None of that matters anymore.”

“And you were going to let me fuck Emily too, like a bitch.”

“You fucking bastard!” Cody snaps. He charges at Andrew but Andrew punches him in the gut. Andrew tries to throw a punch but Cody tackles him to the ground. I see Cody punch Andrew in the face a couple of times.

Chris and Carlos charge and tries to pull them off each other but aren’t strong enough. Isaac runs in to help him and it takes them a few seconds to pull Cody off. Cody struggles to break free and headbutts Chris to free his arms. Chris doesn’t struggle and pulls Cody completely off.

Andrew is laughing like a maniac. He gets off and wipes off the blood on his face. Cody breaks free from Chris and Isaac. Cody is calm again. “That’s right, you’re a fucking monster.”

“Are you done?!”

“Both of you, stop it! You’re ruining my birthday!” Grace yells.

Andrew stares at Grace, panting, and then wipes away the blood in his mouth. “Fine. Have it your way. I’m done.” He says. “You all deserve each other,” he says before taking his leave.

We all stand awkwardly for a moment. I’m finally able to hear my own heartbeat. It’s racing. Sara sighs and lets go of Grace’s hand. “Glad that’s over. How did he find out?”

No one really knows. Andrew has a supernatural sense when it comes to finding shindigs. Grace walks over to the table and makes herself a drink. I walk over to Cody who’s wincing in pain. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he says rubbing his stomach.

“You lost control again.”

Cody locks eyes with me. “Not as much as you’d think.”

I can’t help but smile. “You should sit down, you’re hurt.”

Cody just smirks and goes over to sit down next to Grace. I sigh and control my breathing afterward. Everyone’s silent so the only thing that’s playing is the music which makes everything awkward.

Sara slaps her thighs and says, “I’m going to make sure he’s okay, the bastard.” She waits for Grace to nod before she goes.

“Well that was pretty intense, Gracie are you okay?” my sister asks while grabbing a drink from her.

“I just want to drink.”

“You and me both,” Jerrica laughs. “Want one, Cody?”

“Sure, why not?”

-

“It’s really gone.”

There’s nothing left of the treehouse. It’s only splinters and a mess of broken and burnt wood. Not even all the Polaroids I took over the years were safe. It's one cruel joke.

“What did you expect?”

“Not this. Not Everything. And nobody tells me until today?”

“You haven’t been the easiest to reach.”

“Fair.”

Cody takes a sit on one of the broken pieces of wood. I don’t want to say anything but he has bags under his eyes. His hair is too shaggy and he looks thinner than I remember. “There was a lot I wanted to say but now that I have the chance, I don’t want to. Is that weird?”

“No. I feel the same way.”

I dreamt about this day, about what he would say and what I would say. I had anxiety attacks over it and it’s been on my mind before I even boarded the plane. I wonder if he will forgive me, I wonder if he hates me. I know he missed me.

I regret what I said when I saw him last. It wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have told him I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurts me. Is it too late to go back to those words? I said them out of anger and desperation. I don’t mean them now. I don’t mean harm to anyone.

Cody doesn’t talk about it. He’s avoiding it as I thought. As much as I want to talk about everything, he doesn’t bring anything up and acts like everything is fine between us. Jerrica told me that I should just force it out of him because he’ll never have the guts to get angry at me. Soran told me that I should go back and apologize, that I’m acting like a kid. Perhaps he’s right.

It’s just one of those things that I have no idea how to handle. I took him by the throat to make him understand how I feel and yet I’m a coward for wanting to act like I never did that. Andrew called Cody a headfuck but I’m just as much of a headfuck as him. We’re just headfucks trying passive-aggressively trying to get back at each other. Soran is right, I am acting like a kid.

Cody isn’t my entire life. I shouldn’t focus on everything around him. These few months without him have been good for me. I’ve been learning how to be my own person. I’m no longer tied to chains that keep me in this town. I can finally breathe.

Soran has been helping me out with this. He doesn’t play games, he doesn’t bullshit around. Soran doesn’t tell me what to do or say and treats me like a person, not his girlfriend.

That’s why I like him so much.

There will be a point where I have to tell Cody that I can’t marry him; that we work best as friends. I thought I could do it here in the ruins of the treehouse but I just can’t. Even if I did tell him, would he still want to be my friend? Am I really that selfish? I can’t have both. I want both. I do miss him. I know he misses me. Yet we’re standing here in this awkward dance. Are we that held up by the fear we might be too close and that we’ll never separate? No. That’s just my fear.

So what are we doing? We don’t talk about us. How could we? We’re alone for the first time in months. Instead, we just reminisce over our past memories here while that overhanging thought is above my head. I don’t think I can ever tell him. How could I? Now that he’s here, that I’m here, I’m having doubts. I see it on his face too. He wants to say so much but can’t. There’s a barrier between us now that he doesn’t want to cross.

Maybe it’s just better to say our goodbyes now. After all, I hate this town. I don’t ever want to come back. All it’s done is hurt the people I care about the most.

I don’t know what to do.