Cody VI

My mother wakes me when her slipper hits me right on my cheek. “Mira, hijo mio muy pendejo!” She yells. She never yells, especially in Spanish. “Emily is back in town y no la has invitado para comer?”

I groan as I get up and sit against my bedframe. “We’re not really friends anymore.”

“Amigos o no, ella es familia, mijo! What are you doing having a little fight over nothing!? Makeup with her! I miss her!” Mom sighs and takes a look around. “Como te vas a casar con ella if you leave todo tu mugrero on the floor? Estoy arta cleaning up after you.”

I feel a bit bad watching my mom clean up my dirty clothes from the floor. It’s not that I don’t do it myself I just haven’t gotten around to it lately. It’s been hard finding the will to do so. “Nobody asks you to, besides no one comes in here anymore.”

“More the reason. What would Emily say?”

“She’s messier than me, have you been to her room?”

“I don’t care. Invite her over and say you’re sorry.”

She doesn’t bother closing the door beside her when she leaves. I get a text from Grace telling me Emily is okay with me coming to her birthday picnic today. I get another one from Emily, “Come? It’ll be nice to see you.”

I toss my phone onto my countertop and slam my head against the bedframe. Fuck.

She’s all I’ve been thinking about lately. I keep playing scenarios in my head on where we’re going to meet or what I’m going to say. I daydream about how she’ll act and say. I get it into my head that she’ll be welcoming me back with open arms, saying she missed me. That isn’t reality.

What’s real were the last words that she said to me when she left. She wanted to hurt me. That was her whole intention. Emily wanted to find a life where I wasn’t involved. She wanted to feel how life was without my poison slowly draining her life away. Emily wants me to hate her.

I could never do that.

I’ve been thinking of ways on how I can make up with her, of how I can inject myself back into her life. That’s what all the daydreams are about; playing scenarios in my head until I find an answer. The easiest would be to just lie to her and tell her I’m different and I’ll never hurt her again. That’s what I would’ve done before. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I have to be better.

Because of that, I haven’t found the answer I want.

I’m not sure what that girl with the white hair did but she gave me another answer. It still feels like a hazy dream but I remember everything so perfectly. Emily was right, I don’t know how to live without her. I’ve been stuck in my head thinking that she’s my entire world. She is. She was. I would never be the person I am now if I never walked behind her this entire time.

-

Before I head out I find Chris right before he knocks on my front door. “Couldn’t have texted?” I ask him.

Chris has never taken care of himself much, but he looks extra rough. He hasn’t slept. In fact, it’s been a while since I have even seen him. It’s been long since I even hung out with him. “Are you going to Grace’s party?” he asks, stepping out of the way for me.

“Yeah, you?”

He nods.

“Where’ve you been? You have been a ghost lately.”

Chris shuts the front door for me and sits on top of the steps. “I met someone.”

“A girl? You?!”

Chris laughs and shakes his head. “No, not like that. I met someone like me. Weird. She’s been helping me. She works for Lyle. I work for him.”

The mention of that name instantly puts a sour taste in my mouth. It’s even worse that Chris is now getting involved. “What the fuck?! Doing what? Are you crazy?”

Chris shakes his head again. “I’m wasting time mostly. He wants me to recreate Winter, but it’s impossible.”

“So what the hell are you doing?”

Part of my heart drops. I don’t want any more of my friends to get involved with Lyle. All it’s done is hurt the people around me. Fuck Andrew, but at least he was reasonable a year ago. I’m certain Elizabeth got involved too. Now Chris. Maybe if I got involved, maybe it would have all been different.

Chris tilts his head back to meet my eyes. “Do you know why I stuck around and got a regular education?” Chris tilts his head back and hugs his knees. Before I can even answer he says, “It was for this. It was so I can meet her. She helps me understand myself a little better. She wants my help in bringing down Lyle. We can avenge Elizabeth.”

His words almost pass right through me. They take a while to settle down on my brain. It all truly connects to that moment when Elizabeth and Lyle met. It scares me. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. “Do you want my help?”

Chris gets up, “I’m just telling you.”

“Why?”

“So you get closure.”

That doesn’t make any sense, but when does he? “Will you be alright? I know I don’t know anything, but I know he’s a big deal.” I truly don’t know anything. I didn’t want to get involved. Now my childhood friend of a genius is. I don’t know what to think. Why is he even telling me?

Chris smirks, “Of course. I planned everything out already. I’m going to the campgrounds now so I’ll see you later.”

It’s all too weird, even for Chris. If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t trust them, but I know him. He hides his potential because he doesn’t want to be seen at different, as special. That’s his problem, he’s afraid of himself. I don’t have a clue of what he’s planning, but a weight lifts off my heart knowing Ellie will be avenged, whatever that means.

“Stay safe dude, I missed you.”

There’s no reason for us not to go together, but something pulls me away from asking him if we should. I head back inside and find Travis talking on the phone. The morning news is on talking about the 7 day forecast of Seattle. Every single day is the same, with no clouds stopping the sun from cooking the ground below. It’s the same here.

Travis hangs up when the segment changes. “Dude, holy shit!” he comments. Emily’s favorite artist has just announced her first tour in two years. The idea of immediately trying to buy tickets overtakes my mind. It wouldn’t be possible if I tried. In the three years since the girl popped up in the scene, her popularity has surpassed the most popular artist.

Emmah Melody Ryan.

They say anyone who attends her concerts have their lives changed.

Travis runs upstairs and comes back down with my laptop. I sit next to him because I already know he’s going to try to buy tickets. It’s a joke. The sight doesn’t even load. He switches tabs and opens Twitter. Those who got in got their tickets for $300. That’s not so bad. “Who the hell is going to pay $1500 for resell?” Travis groans.

“What’s so special about her anyways?”

Emily always tried to get me to listen to Emmah’s music. I never did. She kept saying its unlike anything there is out there but to me, Emmah just looks like another pop artist.

“You need to stop being such a hipster,” Travis jokes. “Not all pop is trash. Besides, it’s not even pop.”

“Then was is it?”

Travis tilts his head and takes a while to answer. “It’ll be better if I just play a song,” he says as he opens up Spotify.

The first note is played by a violin.

That’s it, that’s all I remember.

“I need to get my hands on those tickets, huh?” Is all I could say. “Can I borrow 3K?”

“Not even I had it.”

-

I see Emily for the first time.

Emily always carried her extremely long and heavy hair so it could hug her body, hiding it away from the world. She hasn’t bothered growing it since it was cut. Instead, she shows her body with a plain red tank top. She’s twice the size since I last saw her and even carries a bit of a belly. I love it. I’m mesmerized. I’m reminded why I love her. Emily is perfect.

She’s the last one I acknowledge when I greet everyone on purpose. There’s so much I want to say. I rehearsed this moment in my head thousands of times and yet all I can say is, “You’re back.”

I try my best to play it cool and to not hover around her too much. It barely works as I catch myself glancing over in her direction much more than I would like. I just can’t help myself. My anxiety is cranked up to eleven when I catch Emily and Sara talking amongst themselves. Sara glances over at me, confirming that they’re talking about me.

The birthday picnic becomes much more stressful than it should be.

By the end, Emily walks up to me and licks her finger. She rubs it right under my nose, “There’s a little blood left,” she says. Grace told me the treehouse was destroyed, is that true?”

“Yeah, some lightning got to it.”

“Show me?”

This is her way of getting me alone. This is one of the scenarios that played out in my head. Unlike it, we don’t talk until we reach the destroyed house we built as kids. She doesn’t say anything but I just watch. At least Emily is sad about it.

Here would be the perfect time to tell her I got us two tickets for the concert that’s coming here next year. This is where I would make up with her. This is where it all should happen but I wasn’t able to get the tickets. It’s just too expensive.

I question why I didn’t sell my soul for a ticket.

It’s for Emily. There’s no reason why I should go to hell and back for her. She’s all I’ve been thinking of. Now that she’s here, I don’t know. It’s different. She’s different. I see her, I know her. I’m not hers.

Then she says something. It answers why. It’s not even what she said, it’s how she said it. “No, I feel the same way.” there’s almost no emotion. It tells me that Emily has moved past me.

But I’ve known about this. She doesn’t exactly hide it.

I just never wanted to believe it.

I have to move on too.

I didn’t lose Emily when she moved away. I didn’t lose her when Elizabeth died. I lost her the moment I became someone I’m not. I lost her when I thought I could take everything I wanted without consequence. We can’t even be together. Being with her now tells me that. It’s like everything I wanted isn’t real anymore. She’s better without me. I have to let go.

I planned on moving to New York the second I had enough money to do so. I planned on finding her and convincing her to take me back. I planned on following my dreams and becoming successful with her supporting me. I planned on keeping our promise.

That’s all thrown away now.

I’m just lost.

“When are you going back home?” I ask her.

“First week of August, before university starts. Fun.”

Then at least I have her for two more months. That’s all I get. That’s all I need.

Emily doesn’t notice me staring at her, or perhaps she does and just doesn’t care. Her skin is glowing. It’s no longer pale like she had it when she lived here. There’s no bags under her eyes and no blemishes on her skin. She’s been flourishing without me. Emily is beautiful. It’s always been that way but today she’s even more so. I see her. She’s been pushing me forward this entire time. I don’t know who I am without her.

I decide that this is the last summer I’ll ever spend with her. I’m no good for her. She’s no good for me either. I can tell something similar to my idea is on her mind. Even back at the picnic, I could tell that she isn’t comfortable with me around. I bet all of this is just for her to figure out how she feels. She has no intention of being my friend again. It’s my only option. If I truly want to change, to be better, I have to let go. I had never known heartbreak. I guess what I feel now is as close as it gets. It’s genuine. It’s real and there’s no lingering thought that thinks I’ll ever have her again to stop it from being so.

Is this what I truly want?

“I know I’ve been distant since I’ve been back, but I have nothing to do in a few days if you want to hang out.”

“Yeah, that’ll be cool.”

“Does Saturday work?”

“Yeah.”

Emily picks up one of the burnt polaroids and frowns. “An end to an era,” she says to herself.

I almost tell her what I want. I stop myself. I’ll tell her on Saturday when the mood is different. I’m still unsure if that’s what I want. My heart is telling me otherwise. Emily has been my destiny my whole life. It’s all I’ve known. This entire time I haven’t known what it’s been without her.

I don’t want to live in her shadow any more.

All it’s done is corrupt me.