Grace IV

I visit the Grave once more.

Lots have changed since then. Cody and I are like best friends. Sara is living with me now. I hang out with Carlos and Alyssa during lunch now. I’m getting the things I always wanted; friends. I’m not bullied anymore and people even talk to me in class now.

Somehow, that still isn’t enough.

I think I was happier when Sara and Emily were my best friends.

Sara often wakes me up at night when she screams awake. Sometimes they’re faint, sometimes they’re loud enough to drill through my ears. Whenever Mom is home, she’s the one who always rushes in to check up on her. I can always hear her desperate voice trying to calm Sara down. After a while, all I hear is Sara’s cries.

It’s been like this ever since she moved in. I put up with it because it’s Sara, but it does annoy me. She hasn’t been herself since she’s been out of the hospital and with us. She isn’t the person who I’ve become friends with. Sara rarely leaves her room, only to go to school and even then she doesn’t do that sometimes.

The threats of being kicked out are what stop her from missing school entirely.

I can’t even tell if they’re empty or not.

Mom is strict with her, not cruel. She even changed her shifts around to try to be home at night more just for Sara’s night terrors.

I’m not even sure how I feel about that.

I just want things to go back to the things they were.

I tell Elizabeth everything as if she could hear me. It’s comforting that I can talk and have someone listen, even if that person is dead. I’ve grown to like this place. It warms me. Elizabeth warms me. Here, she’s still the golden beacon of Darkwood, uncorrupted by it.

A familiar face shows up, one that I haven’t seen in a while. It’s Felix, the man I met when I first visited here.

“It’s nice to see you again, Grace,” he says. “Thank you for keeping her company.”

“No problem. Felix, right? You haven’t been around.”

“I don’t have much time these days. My business has been growing too fast for me to keep up,” he chuckles. “How have you been?”

“Well, I guess. I don’t have much time to do the things I like either. Finals are coming up.”

“You’re graduating?”

I giggle, “Most people think I’m graduating from middle school. I don’t look the part.

Felix walks in front of me to kneel down. I watch him place a blue flower on her grave. “You look a lot different since we first met. I say you look the part now.”

“Thanks.”

“What do you like to do for fun? Elizabeth and I used to just drive around town a lot. She liked it, thought it was fun to waste gas.”

“Oh, uh, well. I don’t. Video games. Anime. That sort of stuff?”

“What video games?”

No one has asked me that before. It’s why I never specify. “League of Legends,” I answer. If I were to tell people that, I would be even more of an outcast.

“Oh,” Felix’s face lights up. “Me too. What’s your username, let’s play together. I’m a Jungler.”

“Oh uh. Um. No thanks. Spelt Nothxs. I’m Mid. Ahri, one trick.”

Felix gets up, sighing in relief. “For a moment there I thought I just go rejected,” he laughs. “It’s hard to find people to play with at my age.”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-Three, 24 in a few weeks.”

“You’re not even that old!”

Felix laughs. “Yeah, but it's hard to make friends after college?” Felix types on his phone, “We’ll play. I’m quite good too.”

“How did you meet Elizabeth?” I ask.

It’s odd that Elizabeth would ever be friends with this guy who’s at least five years older than she was. Although, I guess she was super popular so that’s a dumb question to even ask. Now I just feel stupid.

“Her brother and I used to be friends.”

“Oh, I met him once.” The memory leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It’s the taste of blood again, just like that night when she-

“Then you can guess why I said used to. Elizabeth and I kept in touch. She was like a little sister to me in a way. She always came to me when she had problems.”

“I see.”

“But that time has passed.”

Of course, it has. I can’t even imagine the impact she had on people I haven’t even met yet. I wonder just how much influence she had. All I’m left with is the bitter taste of never finding my closure.

I’ve been learning to deal with it.

The therapy I went for helped me through it.

It’s been a while since I've been mostly because I’m over it. I’m told the trauma will forever be with me, I just have the tools to handle it now. It’s something that’s a part of me. It’s a part of who I am.

“I have to go now. It’s nice seeing you again, Grace. I’m sure whatever you’re feeling now will pass. I see a lot of Elizabeth in you, who knows,” he chuckles. “Maybe you’ll shine just as bright.”

His words stick to me as I walk back into the forest; towards the treehouse as the sun starts to set.

The road there is muddy but nothing I haven’t prepared for. The ground still hasn’t dried up from the big storm we got a couple of nights ago. It was the biggest one I’ve ever been a part of. It felt like the rain could tear through the roof of my house at any moment. Even the lightning felt as if it was striking right next to me. It was scary but a bit fascinating.

The creek leading to the treehouse is twice its size now, gushing out water through it as if it’s now a river. It takes me a while to figure out how to get across. In the end, I use a stick hold to give me balance while I lung toward the stone I use to hop across.

Once I get to the clearing, the treehouse is gone.

The giant tree that once held it is now sinking down on the ground, broken into hundreds of pieces. There’s nothing left. The wooden blanks that made up the tiny house are broken and scattered just as much as the tree. All that’s left is the massive trunk nearly split in the middle but obviously lopsided to where the rest of it fell. The smell of burning wood still lingers.

Standing in front of it is Cody. He’s holding a bundle of polaroids, some of which are still ground around him.

This is where he’s been a day, the reason why he hasn’t been answering my texts.

“What happened?” I ask him but he just ignores me.

Again, it was a stupid question to ask. I already know the answer.

I don’t dare say anything else. I know just how much this place means to him. I can’t even imagine what’s going on in his head right now. The most I can do now is be with him. One day he’ll realize that I’m someone he can open up to.

Just then, I get a text from Emily.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I heard from her.

“I’m coming home for the summer! ❤️”

I look up to Cody. I wonder if he knows. Then after a little while, his phone gives out a notification. It’s different from the regular ones he gets. This pulls him out of his trance and he takes out his phone to read it. He doesn’t say anything either but just stares at it.

Once the sun’s finally light finally disappears, Cody turns to me and says, “You always wanted to come to a real Darkwood party, right?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Let’s go then.”

The second I enter the house, it was already too much. The music is too loud and the living room is so crowded. People are laughing with each other in a corner and a couple is making out in a another. In the middle people are gathered around a table with rolled-up dollar bills and multiple white lines line up on plates.

The attention is turned to us as people recognize that Cody just arrived. I can see most of it comes from the girls in the room. Carlos puts out of nowhere to greet us with a grin on his face and his pupils dilated to the max.

“Cody! Never thought you would show up! Yo, have you seen Chris? He hasn’t been around lately, I miss my medicine man.”

Cody shakes his head, “He’s doing Chris things, you know how it is,”

“Right,” Carlos laughs.

We follow him to the kitchen where the drinks are held. Cody doesn’t waste any time pouring himself some shots of whiskey. In the meantime, Alyssa comes up to me to say high. She mentions that I should dress better for these things.

“It was in the spur of the moment,” I answer.

“Oh well, it suits you,” she giggles. “Want a drink?”

I nod my head happily.

Before I can take my first drink, Cody is taken away from some girls. I forget that he’s popular here. Why wouldn’t he be? All the freshman girls have a crush on him, myself included. He just has never shown that he actually cares.

“You’re Grace, right?” my attention is adverted to what’s in front of me. It’s two girls who are in one of my classes. “I’m Tina,” the one with the colorful purple and blue hair says. “This is Liz,” she motions to her brunette hair.

“Hi,” I answered weakly.

“I thought you weren’t one for parties, we never see you in them,” Liz says. “But to show up to the biggest one of the year, with Cody nonetheless, that’s so cool.”

“Yeah, he never gives anyone the time of day. How’d you get him to talk to you? You guys hang out at lunch every day too!”

“Um, I don’t know. Luck I guess.”

“No way! Maybe you’re not the dork everyone says you are.”

I’m not sure why I’m nervous. I look up to Alyssa who’s not even paying attention. She’s talking to some guy but looks over when she catches me looking at her. She smiles at me and gives me a pat on the back.

Isn’t this what I wanted? I can finally get friends my age. This is it. These are the first steps to being popular at school. I can’t squander this moment. “I’m not! Everyone just says that cuz nobody ever gave me a chance. Cody did.”

The two girls are grinning at me, eager to be my friend.

My heart flutters.

Throughout the night, I get drunker and drunker. I don’t even drink much but I’m not used to it. I hang out with Tina and Liz most of the night as she introduces me to everyone else that they’re friends with. I often catch myself looking for Cody to see what he’s doing.

I usually find him talking to some of his friends, but this time I-

He takes the hand of one of the senior girls and leads her upstairs. His eyes meet mine before they disappear upwards. I quickly excuse myself and head towards the bathroom. It’s all blurry. My vision is a blur, my thoughts are a blur and now my tears start to blur on the ground.

Fuck I hate this. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I can’t even put my thoughts together.

Then I realize that I’m drunk.

I don’t know how much time passes. It feels like an eternity as my heart is slowly getting ripped out of my body. He rejected me once already, why’d did I believe that I could change his mind? It’s been months. MONTHS. I was never in the competition, to begin with, was I?”

All those daydream thoughts I had in my head, the ones where Cody and I lead a happy life together. Where he finally confesses, and we kiss and then we have sex. The one where I lose my virginity to him and then we marry and then have kids. That’s all been a delusional lie I made up in my head.

I don’t give myself time to cry about it anymore.

I stare Cody down once he makes his way back downstairs. I watch as Carlos congratulates him with a fist bump. I watch as his eyes meet mine and I know he can feel my disgust. I know he can feel my hatred.

FUCK HIM.

A fight breaks out in front of him, pushing him away and causing our eyes to disconnect. I watch as a body falls in front of Cody before he walks away. He gives one look at Andrew, who’s the one fighting. It’s a look of indifference.

Andrew gets on top of the guy he’s fighting and just starts pummeling him. He’s been unhinged for a while now. This isn’t new. He’s been getting into lots of fights at school, so much that everyone just ignores it now.

Once he’s done, he gets up and starts laughing. Someone picks the guy who’s been beaten up. They all know it’s not worth getting sent to the hospital so all every does now is guard and hope Andrew gets bored. This is what happened just now.

Andrew looks over to me and grins. “Fucking Gracie made it!” He screams. He pushes everyone else away just to get in front of me. “Never thought you had it in you, freshfuck.”

“Shut the fuck up, Andrew.”

“Fair enough,” he laughs. “It’s been a while. Where’d you been? You don’t hang out with Sara and me no more. Been missing ya!”

“Sara doesn’t hang out with you, you just tag along.”

Sara doesn’t hang out with anyone. She spends all her time sitting alone at lunch which Andrew always joins, but they never talk.

“Well your mom doesn’t let me in your house, how the fuck am I gonna spend time with my sis?”

She doesn’t let him because she’s heard all the rumors about him. Mom doesn't trust him even though he convinced her to take Sara in. Mom won’t take any chances of having Sara relapse.

“Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m not.”

“Want a kiss?”

“Ew. No,”

I’ve pulled away. “Leave her alone, Andrew.” Alyssa steps in.

“Since when did you guys get chummy?”

“A while, now go.”

Andrew clicks his tongue, “Ay Grace, remember when you were peaking on me and Alyssa doing the nasty? Shit was hot right?”

Alyssa pushes Andrew, “We never fucked. God, you’re such a dick. Don’t make me kick you out, Andrew. You’re only here because you said you’ll behave.”

Andrew looks over to the guy he just beat up, “Right because I was so well behaved since I got here.”

Alyssa crosses her arms. “I thought you still had good in you,” she says under her breath. “I guess I was wrong.”

Andrew glares at her, then smirks. “Fine, I’ll leave her alone.”

“Thank you.”

But before he goes, Andrew turns back and says, “I can show you a real rager Grace, if you’re up for it.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Alyssa reminds me.

-

I’m not sure when or how but I’m sitting down on a chair somewhere outside. I think it’s the backyard. To my left is one of those chained tables that’s always in playgrounds. My drink there and on the other side someone is passed out the ground. The sky above me is spinning. I haven’t been this drunk since…

Fuck.

I don’t want to think about that

I don’t even know how I ended up here. No one is coming to get me. No one is coming to check up on me. Not even Cody, he doesn’t care about me. Everything I want, I can’t have. It sucks. I’m starting to think anybody I call a friend doesn’t care about me. I noticed when Megan bullied me at one of the parties Emily took me to. She didn’t come to stop it. She didn’t even come to check up on me. Cody said she sent him, but was that really true? Not even Sara feels like my friend anymore. She’s more of a roommate.

I’m sure Cody is just being my friend because Emily asked him to.

“You okay?” a voice says.

I don’t know what’s missing. Am I that ugly? Am I boring? Is everyone really that afraid of me? I overheard someone saying to their friend that they should avoid me; that I’m cursed.

I am cursed.

I felt it ever since I knew I exist.

That’s why I never had any friends growing up. That’s why I’ve been bullied my whole life. It’s why Elizabeth died in front of me. It’s why Sara almost died. It’s why Emily is now in New York. If I stick around, I wonder what’s going to happen to Cody.

“Yo, cursed girl. Wake up.”

My eyes open. A boy is kneeling down in front of me examining me. I saw him before but he looks young, young like me. “What’d you call me?”

He chuckles. “I don’t believe what they call you, in case you wanna tell me to fuck up.”

“Well you can,” I laugh. Shit, it’s actually so funny.

The boy laughs too. “Fine, alright.”

“No, stay.”

He sighs. “Okay, mind if I sit?” I shake my head and watch him sit on the empty chair next to the table. “Nobody has ever told me your name, I’m Alex.”

“Hi, Alex, I’m drunk,” I laugh. He does too. “I’m Grace. Grace the exiled! Are you drunk?”

Alex chuckles again. “Sort of but not as bad as you. Grace the exiled so a cool name, just my sister, an outcast.”

“What’ca want, Alex?!”

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “Guess I’m bored.”

“That your drink?” I point at the cup he’s been holding the entire time. Alex nods, “Gimme!”

“I look forward to our next year together,” he says when I gulp down whatever he’s been drinking.

-

My eyes open to the sound of Cody’s car he borrowed from his brother. It’s how we got here in the first place. I rub my eyes, still dizzy from everything I drank tonight. My house isn’t far from Alyssa’s, we leave in the same north side. At least I know that I'll get home.

My eyes close again, trying to fall back asleep.

The car stops at one point. Thinking I’m home, I try to open my eyes but they’re glued shut. I hear the back door open and someone getting in.

“What the hell are you doing walking in the rain?” Cody asks. No one answers. He sighs and says, “Do you need a ride home?”

“Yeah,” a girl’s voice says. It’s one that I’ve heard before but I don’t recognize. I try to open my eyes again but when I do, the throbbing in my head only gets louder.

“Look,” Cody says after some time. “I know it hurts but you have to come back to us at some point.”

There’s no response.

The throbbing in my head gets louder and I adjust myself to get more comfortable, groaning in the process. Cody always has a girl readily available for him whenever he wants. Fuck him. I hate him.

“I-”

Fuck you.

“Ignore that.”

Time passes.

The backdoor opens again. “I loved her, Cody,” the girl says. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.”

Cody sighs. “Do you think this is what she would want for you?”

“If she was in love with me too, she would.”

“Goodnight, Jana.”

“That’s not my name anymore.”

“Right, sorry, F-”

“Gracie, we’re here,” Cody nudges me awake.

He sighs and I feel him getting me out of the carry. He hands my arm over his shoulder and leads me to walk, somewhere.

“Hmm, Cody.”

He’s all I want. It’s all I wanted since the day I first saw him.

“Yeah?”

I bonk my head to find his. I don’t care anymore.

I feel his nose brush against mine then I manage to steal a kiss. “I want you.”

Cody stops and pulls his head away. It was just a peck, but it was enough. I got him. He’s mine. “You’re drunk.”

“Does it matter?” Why don’t you want me? Why?!”

I hear him sigh and we start walking again. “It’s not that simple.”

I try to push him away but he doesn’t let me. I open my eyes and the ground in front of me is spinning in circles. “Why not?!”

“I love Emily, not you.”

“You fucked that girl tonight.”

“It’s different.”

“No, it’s fucking not!” I feel myself stumblle then my legs give up. Cody catches me before I fall.

Why does no one fucking want me?

Am I that ugly?

There’s a knock. “We’re good as friends, Grace. You wouldn’t want me. I’ll fuck you up just like I do for everything else.

A sigh of relief. “You must be Cody. Thank you for bringing her back, I’ve been worried sick. She didn't-”

“She just drank too much.”

My body falls unto my Mom. “Please don’t let her sneak off like that next time.

My body flops onto my bed.

“I left ibuprofen, water, and Gatorade for when you wake up.”

Sara’s scream crushes my ears from both sides.