The Xeno looked like he should be sitting on a Cathedral somewhere pissing rain down on the tourists. He also wouldn’t shut up

“I told you, I’m not a fucking engineer, pilot, Superman or whatever other weird ideas you have about humans. I’m a Xeno Paleoarchelogist and I’m wearing the wrong pants for a pirate attack. My grant doesn’t cover it and neither does my health insurance.”

The crests on his annoying companion raised in surprise, “Well I have no idea what that means but it must be useful! I have better pants that you may borrow if that would help?”

Warren held on to his chair tightly as another explosion rattled his teeth. Twenty minutes ago he had been enjoying the peace of a dull commute with a good book. Now he was in serious shit with nothing but whatever the Xeno equivalent of a nerd was. He should have known from the way the guy had lit up like it was his fucking birthday on sitting beside a ‘real’ human on his trip into the dark.

When the shaking calmed down he looked at his unlikely companion, “I study history, your history, everyone's history and see what matches up with ours. In particular, I study the utilisation of fire in prehistory as an indicator of future galactic development.”

He might as well have been speaking in pig-Latin and asking for a donation for the rebuilding of Pompei for all the Xeno seemed to understand.

The Xeno seemed to be considering something and then spoke in a sudden burst as if he was afraid the universe might interrupt him, “I am Ni’urn, Senior-Second Programmer of the Third-Shift of Numbers of Importance and I also study. I study combinations of numbers and I recommend the best ones. I cannot be captured by pirates! My department would be horrified!”

This was the problem with dumb translations since Warren heard ‘office geek that lived in a basement’ when he was actually being told, “I am the Second in Command of the third sector of our planet's military: space. I study patterns of warfare within the galaxy and our local space and recommend countermeasures to deal with foreseen problems. My death or capture will result in confusion and possible overreaction by our military.”

What Ni’urn heard from his new human companion was, “I am a human specialist responsible for fire and I am without my equipment.”

The obvious solution was to find some way for the human to utilise his skills in fire, a most useful thing in a battle with pirates.

Ni’urn ran the numbers in his head, “We are on a civilian ship from the In’Tec people. They make poor ships but cheap. Since your people stopped their previous activities I must think that they are unfamiliar with important things like escape pods since we have not been offered one. My projections indicate that this ship was probably refitted from a pirate vessel. Do you concur?”

Warren looked around at the slightly squashed cabin and took a wild guess, “Sure, why not? If these guys were pirates then either they are still working with them or they might have held onto some of the systems they used to use. No one gives up firepower if they can help it. I’m not sure how that helps us!”

Ni’urn added that to his numbers, “I concur. It is a most useful insight. We have just under eighteen minutes before the ship either surrenders to slavers and thieves or fails completely and explodes so I propose we seek to take immediate control of the vessel. I have sufficient understanding to undertake to pilot the vessel and you will be responsible for finding and using the weapons you believe they have concealed. Do you concur?”

Warren was still struggling with the ‘Eighteen minutes until we die’ when the Xeno grabbed him and pushed him forward towards the door. He thought the creature had been driven mad with fear and decided to chance it on his own. The Xeno had babbled something about Escape Pods so he pulled open the door and began running. He no longer cared where he was running to but he was damned sure of what he was running away from.

He was nearly back to rational thought when someone suddenly appeared in front of him and raised a weapon towards his face. Warren needed those brown pants really badly but he was moving too fast to stop so he tried to drop his head, just as the much-abused ship's systems flickered and the gravity went offline for a second.

To Ni’urn it appeared as if the human had sprinted at unbelievable speed from the cabin and when one of the pirates had dropped his camouflage to shoot him he had simply lowered his head and charged his assailant. He watched the pirate shatter as the human seemed to fly into him, its weapon thrown wildly and his armour crushed against the corridor wall. He hurried to catch up.

Warren took the blow to his head badly and felt blood begin to trickle into his eyes. Without thinking he pushed the blood away and leaned down to the Xeno he had crashed into. Shit. He couldn’t help him and didn’t particularly care but he thought he should not leave the creature with a weapon. He himself had never used one and had no idea of how the thing worked but maybe he could give it to someone in authority. Later. He began running again with the gun forgotten in his hand as the blood and pain narrowed his eyes. How fucking big was this ship anyway? The escape pods must be near the pilot, it made no sense otherwise.

‘Remarkable’ Ni’urn said to the dead pirate. “I have heard the human expression that you never know what will hit you but I didn’t realise it was literal.” He stepped over the corpse and followed his fire human.

The problem with running around like headless poultry is that it always ends badly for someone. Warren was finding that out the hard way as he found himself with a bleeding head, a raging headache and absolutely no idea of where he was on the ship. On the upside, no one seemed to be shooting at him or the ship. He stopped for breath and began to calm down and then he heard the footsteps. Someone was coming.

Ni’urn was growing more and more curious as his human friend threw himself forward into the maze of corridors without pause. If he was willing to entertain the thought he would have said the route that he was taking was…unusual, but it had evaded all the crew and pirates and he had brought them safely to the bridge. He had followed the thumping feet as they echoed down the shaky corridors and until then heard them falter and stop. Good, he had not been forgotten and his ally was obviously waiting for him to catch up.

He reflected that perhaps they hadn’t avoided anyone but that any enemy hearing the thumping human's arrival, seeing it covered in its lurid red blood and casually holding a weapon had simply gotten quickly out of the way.

------

On the bridge of the unfortunate ship the Beautiful Bounty there were two very unhappy Captains. One of them was dressed slightly less formally than the other but they could not be mistaken for anything other than family, bickering in front of some heavily armed men, “I told you we had a human and a high-value target. The human is some academic, not a warrior, just a teacher. He’s not important. We need the local, the Command Staff guy. He’s the one making all the plans around here.”

The In’tec pirate laughed, “Really? Because I can see the same cameras that you can and the human has already slaughtered one of mine in cold blood, stolen his gun and is now tearing through the ship looking for the rest of us. He’s probably going to be outside the door in a few minutes. I’m done. I’m not fighting a human again. You weren’t there. Even if I kill him the rest of his kind will come looking for me and they never fucking stop! You do whatever the fuck you want but me and my men are out of here.”

The Captain of the Beautiful Bounty seemed to shrink, “But I…I turned off the defences to do this. I’m screwed. I’ll spend years in a penal colony when they read the incident report. The local guy is really important...I’m fucked.” He seemed to realise that he had thrown his entire life into the toilet for nothing. If the pirates wouldn’t fight, his crew definitely wouldn’t and he didn’t want to face the creature alone. He looked at the vid as the crazed and bloodied creature ran towards the bridge, towards him.

The whole room heard and felt someone - something- run heavily towards the door and then stop. Then silence.

The In’tec pirate shook himself, “Fine, you can come with us. Now.” He turned to the bridge staff and his own men, “Move or you stay to deal with that fucking mad species.”

He didn’t waste any more words, running to his breaching craft that was currently embedded in the bridge and followed by every crewman on the bridge. It was a well-practised manoeuvre for most of them and it took less than a minute for them all to pile through the joining fields.

----------

Warren groaned when the annoying Xeno suddenly reappeared. He had tried to figure out the weapon but it wasn't made for humans, it was some weird thing that you obviously needed the correct training to use. He still held it in case he needed to hit something but then he wiped some more dried blood out of his eyebrows and finally realised he had been an idiot to the innocent Xeno, “Good to see you again. I’m afraid the ‘fight or flight ‘ instinct is strong in my people but I shouldn’t have behaved so poorly. Since we are both still here I assume the pirates are boarding? Do you have any suggestions? Are you uninjured?”

Ni’urn was pleased to see the human was alert and capable of intelligent questions.

What he understood was that his ally was pleased with his survival and looking for his understanding and preferred countermeasures. An admirable trait that was so rare in warriors. It still looked like a horror but that's aliens for you.

“I believe this is the correct door. I estimate that we will succeed if you enter first. When you have subdued the bridge I will then take control of the navigation and bring us to safety. You must find fire control and prepare to disable the pirate ship. They should not be permitted to rampage in the system or seek revenge against us.”

The human seemed to consider it for a moment and then handed him the weapon. Of course, he was probably feeling protective. This was a trait he had read about in his Intel reports of the species. They must be bonded in the humans mind. Well, that was slightly embarrassing.

Warren looked at the gun and gave up. He handed it to the Xeno, maybe he had seen them in the movies or done basic training. From what the nerd said they needed to take the bridge and then find the weapons before the pirates blew the ship up to cover their tracks. Another deadline. “Alright, you wave that thing around and let me take a swipe at anyone still standing. We are both going to die.”

Ni’urn assumed that that was some warrior's creed and tried to respond, “Indeed, but not today.” He pointed at one of the doors leading off from the corridor, “That is where we must go. I will open it and you will act. I shall endeavour to cover you with the gun but it is not recommended for use on a ship and would probably destroy vital systems should I try. I shall, as you suggest, ‘wave it about’.”

All Warren heard was that the Xeno didn’t know how to shoot and the door was right in front of him. His plan to run into the pointy-end had been correct it seemed. He just nodded and pushed hard on the door.

Ni’urn was surprised when it shifted easily under the human's hand. Breaching the bridge was always notoriously difficult but the human didn’t even slow down.

Warren figured the various fire and damage alarms currently ringing through the ship had opened every lock, especially on a civilian ship that carried his people. Any engineer he had ever met would have melted it down for ballast if it didn’t. He opened the door to an empty room.

“Well, that was easier than I expected. Go do your thing and I’ll see what they have to play with.”

He couldn’t believe it, he wasn’t going to get shot. Whatever the pirates wanted they had taken and left. He was just a bystander but what the fuck… he watched the Xeno move with the fussy authority of someone that spends their days at this kind of shit. The guy seemed to grow a foot taller when he began programming or piloting or whatever the hell he was doing.

He found a panel on the Captain's console. It looked like it had been nailed on and it was definitely not supposed to be there. It had a big red button and a sign that read ‘Emergency’ in several languages but most of them were incorrectly spelled, something that always annoyed him. He hit the button and nothing happened. Surprise. Thirty seconds later he had pried it off to find a small screen and six buttons, four with arrows, one kind of beige and one red.

He hit the beige one and the screen seemed to flicker until another ship appeared. The pirate? There was no one else for a dozen light-years. It even came with crosshairs that suddenly turned green when it thought it was pointing at the right thing.

Revenge. His or theirs..who would ever know? He didn’t but he hit the red button anyway.

-----

Ni’urn was struggling with the debriefing. “It is as I have told you: once I had informed the human of our predicament he acted immediately, killing the first pirate we encountered and seizing its weapon. It then evaded all opposition until it reached the bridge and waited for my instruction. Once we had breached the bridge he sought out the hidden weapons system and annihilated the pirate ship. I piloted us into safe space and he immediately disembarked and left for Earth space. I do not understand why you are having issues with this. It is plainly visible on the recovered files and I have no reason to lie about the event. I was hardly heroic, I took no part except the piloting of the ship once we were safe.”

The supervisor looked sympathetic, “You are aware of their XCC? Their central authority for any…events that take place outside their space. They report that the human, the one that you refer to as Warren, has no memory of any such details. Apparently, a Xeno ‘that was good with numbers’ looked after the whole thing. He has refused the bounty on the pirate ship and the salvage of the Beautiful Bounty.”

Ni’urn didn’t have anything left to add, but he could read these numbers.

The supervisor continued, “The XCC has sent us the documentation signing any and all such claims to you. If the vast amount of money wasn’t enough, the humans have also offered you free transport and employment should you choose to move to their space. You cannot work in intelligence for us when a foreign power is taking such a close interest in you.”

The supervisor stood up and Ni’urn shakily followed, “It is the opinion of this commission that you will be transferred into Xeno relations and provided with a rebuilt Beautiful Bounty as your ship. Your Captain papers and license have been issued along with the bounty on the pirates. Your ship will remain in the control of our fleet until your retirement and then will pass to you. Congratulations, Captain Ni’urn.”