I woke up with a start, my head pounding and my body aching. It took me a moment to realize that I was lying in a bed, covered in blankets. The room was dimly lit, and I could see a figure loitering near my bedside.

As my eyes adjusted to the light, shapes began to become clear. I recognized the Muppet-sized form of Rexen. He was drifting right by my face, and the sudden realization startled me enough that I reared back defensively. But that just created a whole new set of problems. I felt an intense pain blossom in my neck and shoulders, making me forget the previous intense and oppressive torment that I’d woken up to.

“Ah! Fuck!” I roared, trying desperately to grab control over myself.

"Welcome back, my beautiful little pupil-baby," Rexen said in his cheerful, dreamy voice. ”What a dazzling spectrum of feats you achieved. I’m very impressed. You are, once again, an excellent disciple.”

I tried to sit up, but a fresh wave of dizzying agony washed over me and I fell back onto the pillow.

"Unwise," Rexen said, hovering closer to rest a tiny, staticy hand on my shoulder. "You are healing from wounds, pupil. Also, you are fat."

“What?!” I roared and then winced because that hurt to do as well.

“I said you are fat,” he announced again, smiling all the while. “The healers said you were too heavy for the bed, so they reinforced it to account for your substantial weight. They had to bring in a specialist.”

“A specialist? I fuckin’ dare you to make less sense, Arjee.”

“Yep,” the spirit continued, completely oblivious to anything other than whatever the fuck he was talking about. “He entered, hammered woods, broke other woods, then needed to get his special tools—for fat people.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady myself and not immediately use powerful physical violence on the aggravating specter. Memories flooded back to me suddenly. The battle in the belly, the sanctuary shootout, pinwheeling through the air after taking Crowmoon’s money shot right in the back. Then I remembered the last few seconds right before I’d passed out and I couldn't help but to unload a long string of expletives. That whole thing had fucking sucked.

"What the hell happened?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

Rexen’s eyes widened in devilish jubilation.

“Ooh! A great many things! I found this!”

He held up a tiny cluster of…lint? Mold? Whatever the hell it was, I couldn’t tell. Something that—knowing Rexen—was either bafflingly useful or completely inconsequential.

“What…is that?” I said through gritted teeth.

“Iunno,” Rexen said with way too much wonder. “It looks like it belongs in a belly button. Here—”

He released it from his palm and let it land on my chest.

“Put this outside, perhaps it will find its way home.”

“Arjee…” I said warningly. “I’m laid up in a gurney all beat to shit. I can’t go outside. When I asked what happened, I wasn’t talking about this goddamn mushy nothing!”

“Touchy pupil today,” Rexen said admonishingly. “Why are you full of mopes?”

“Come closer so I can punch you,” I said. “Tell me what happened or I’m going to leave your talisman in a toilet.”

Where it was currently being housed, that was an eventuality anyway.

“When you fell asleep during your trip, I became bored. So I summoned you to me—out of harm's way. Then we fell. But it took me a moment to figure out your curious Aegis. When I did, we were only several feet from the ground. I think it scared the roe.”

“Are they alright?!” I shouted, but Rexen put up a little arm to silence me.

“Alive, pupil,” he said. “You must be calm. Especially because a bird hit you on the way down and it may have scrambled your noggin.”

“What?”

“Ah, see?” Rexen said, tutting. “A shame.”

“No…” I started, getting control of myself. “I mean with the bird.”

“Oh, yes,” Rexen said sadly. “Unfortunately it exploded on impact.”

I let my head fall to the pillow.

“Just fuckin’ great. Now I kill birds.”

“And bed frames.”

“Not helpful, Arjee.”

“So you say,” he muttered.

Was that…sass?

“Is everyone alright?” I asked, looking around at the room and noticing all the other beds were empty.

“Ah, yes, your…squad is all accounted for,” he continued. “That was the bully-boy’s last hurrah. The one you call Stinky apparently leaped upon him immediately and stabbed him until he cried.”

I chuckled at that, perhaps too hard. It was a relief to know everyone was fine.

“Then the lovely, beautiful, ravishing captain arrived, and escorted everyone away from the giant creature’s corpse. Then the Warder appeared and took the bully-boy. He cried again.”

“Easy there—keep it in your pants, Arjee,” I said, my smirk still plastered to my face. “So, the captain made it too? Man, this is turning out to be quite the happy ending.”

“Not all is happy,”

My heart sank.

“God dammit, Arjee, who died?”

“No one,” he said. “But the Quest…she was failed.”

I scowled.

“Oh, well shit, dude, I don’t give a fuck about that—-actually, wait. Wasn’t the oomukade queen destroyed?”

“Yep!”

“...well, then how did the mission not succeed?”

“Oh! Pupil, you were asleep for that part, I have forgotten. It is because the city sustained damage to more than eighty-percent of its structures. Quite the mess out there.”

“At least the mending house is fine…” I said, glancing around again.

“Hey…” I said, unsure how to approach the next bit. Rexen floated closer to me.

“Yes, pupil-mine?”

“What was that thing that you did—you know, in the stomach—with the…uh, jailbreaking?”

“Oh! You did that, pupil. Very proud master moment on my part.”

“Yeah, but, uh, didn’t I get that from you?”

“Yep! But you were the vessel that used it. That was simply sharing a bit of what I know,” Rexen said with a big grin. “I told you I could show you how to break the system.”

“Yeah…” I said, letting my mind wander. “You did.”

I tried to adjust myself, but it appeared that any time I moved, I was racked with intense pain. But that got me thinking.

“Wait?” I said, and Rexen gave me a pointed look.

“How come I’m still all injured? Shouldn’t I have been healed once I Level up? I mean, there’s no way I didn’t rack up a bunch of fuckin’ Experience from a…well, from an experience like that one. I did a buncha stuff!”

Rexen shook his head.

“You did not Level yourself, silly disciple,” he said.

“Why the fuck not? And on that note—why haven’t I been able to since I got here? Is there lead paint in the walls or something keeping the magic wifi from reaching us?”

I opened my menu, and saw that everything was still the same. Scrolling through, though, I could—true to my grief—see I had an overabundance of Experience, but was still sitting at Level Ten. I mean…it was a whole lot of the stuff.

Experience

38,005 / 23,000 to Level 11

“Ah! Pupil,” Rexen said. “I see, I see. You’re not just fat—you are also stupid.”

“Alright, I’m not a huge fan of this dynamic,” I said, swatting at him. “Come over here so I can kick the shit out of you. It would make your beautiful disciple feel better.”

“It is only because you have not chosen your Subclass, silly pupil,” Rexen continued. “The rules in place state that you need to select your new specialization at Level Ten, and if you do not, you will not advance further—despite continuing to gain Experience. Pesky.”

“Well, why the fuck hadn’t anyone told me that?!” I roared, kicking up a fuss and making my body hurt all the more.

“Because no one tells someone something they should already know,” Rexen said.

“Fuck if they don’t!” I said. “It’s called mansplaining—and in most cases, it’s considered a dick move. But, if I’m being honest, I could go for a bit of mansplaining right about now. Nobody tells me fuckin’ boo about this convoluted horseshit, and I just wanna learn, ya know?”

“I doubt anyone else relishes the opportunity,” Rexen said, nodding sagely.

“And what, pray tell, is that supposed to fuckin’ mean, Arjee?” I demanded. “You’re acting like I’m some sort of intellectual pariah.”

“You receive news poorly,” Rexen continued. “Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. You treat everything as if it is inconvenient to hear.”

I paused, ironically ready to immediately assault him with my opinion, but deciding to hold off to not prove his point for him.

“I…see…” I said, gritting my teeth. “And…this…is…something…that…people…do…not…like, is it?”

“Even when attempting to be mannerful, you are terrible at it, pupil. Be yourself if you cannot pretend to be polite.”

“Can you just tell me how to choose my Subclass, already?” I demanded. “I can’t be stuck at Level Ten for the rest of my handsome days—I’ll be ridiculed. I was already a late bloomer with puberty, so come on, man!”

“First, pupil,” Rexen said. “You will need to assign your Points. Afterward the process will start automatically.”

I scowled into his spiral eyes.

“I mean, I know I’m supposed to use them up, but I was waiting on Frida! She was going to give me pointers.”

“It is best, pupil, if you do this on your own—or better yet—let me assist you. Put everything into Charisma!”

“Yeah, if it’s all the same to you, Arjee, I think I’d rather stick my dick in a toaster.”

“Suit yourself,” he said. “But I am here if you require help—especially with that nasty toaster business.”

I rolled my eyes and opened my menu, realizing that I hadn’t peeped my deets in a long-ass time. I cast a…mostly discerning eye over the offerings and began to sort through the information—surprised by some of my findings.

Unarmed Fighting and the Acrobat Skill had both gone up by two Level Ranks, while my Throwing Weapons Skill had finally increased by one. Wanderlust I had gone up to Wanderlust II, as well.

There were others of note, but I wanted to get it over with and stop being an underdeveloped fetus in the system. So I pushed forward to continue. I found the appropriate area, and seeing as I still had twelve Points to distribute, set about to allocation.

So, taking the plunge, I decided to keep a good mindset going. I put six Points into Constitution, two Points into Wisdom, and the remaining four into Charisma. That brought both Wisdom and Charisma to a nice even ten, while Constitution rested at a very healthy thirty-eight. I’d actually forgotten what had transpired previously when I’d done this. But, I…instantly remembered the second the change happened.

Once more, like the last time I’d brought an Attribute to ten, agony enveloped me. It was like a surprise party in my muscles, except the surprise was knives. I shouted bloody murder because apparently, I'm not a fan of overwhelming agony washing over me, leaving me unable to do anything but scream. It felt like my body and brain were suddenly having a heated debate, with my body saying "Let's be on fire!" and my brain saying, "No, let's make it icy!" A consuming fire, like a wormy, blazing elemental filled my veins. It burrowed into my bones and blood vessels with a searing fuck blossom, like someone was trying to light a barbecue inside me. I felt my brain writhing inside my skull, trying to escape. Also, someone had apparently left the back door open as hundreds of wasps had suddenly been let loose inside my soul—because why not, let's make it a party?

Then, equally as similar, the pain suddenly vanished.

I sat upright and tugged the sheets off my legs as Rexen regarded me carefully.

“Milestone?” He asked.

“Milestone…” I breathed.