Balance is the one elusive state which all fight to maintain. In Mother Nature, only the strong or clever survive, controlling population of species between predators and prey. In the universe, galactic dust finds a new home, gravitational fields collide, and stars which lose their energy explode to generate more powerful phenomena than what they started with. Inside the lives of all humans, we fight many invisible battles, demons spawned from the hellscape of our very own minds, bickering about right and wrong, generating hope to ward off defeat, or stretching how long a happy moment can last.

Even we are bound by this instinct of total balance in our daily lives, the reason why each day is so different from the last. I'm all too familiar with the bloody war of hope versus despair. I self-reflect on my life often, realizing how human I really am, despite how alien I feel. For everything that makes me or my life unique, I still break; I still cry; I still face demons of self-doubt, loneliness, or pure heartbreaking sadness.

Even my own darkness can be defeated by its polar opposite of hope, of faith and of happiness, should I win such a battle until another day, awaiting the return of my opposition. It's an eternity that applies to all, even though we have our specific reasons to feel this way.

I say this not because I'm trying to be profound, not because I've found all the answers in life, and not because I'm in a place to help somebody at the moment. I say this, because I've grown to realize that I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way through life. I can't name any names; I barely know any person besides a few, but I know that other people, be they from Earth or elsewhere struggle with their internal emotions too. Thinking back, it isn't difficult to isolate a moment in time where we were at our weakest, a moment where all we wished was for everything to end, so that suffering can accompany us no more. For some of us, these moments broke us, fragmented our precious hearts and minds, and in some cases removed our very lives from the ground we stand on. It's all the result of what happens when we encounter too much to bear.

The opposite would be pure bliss, would it not? I know that sounds nice, but I have to wonder what it would be like to be truly happy throughout every second of life. Would we be capable of learning anything at all if we never made critical or consequential mistakes? Would we ever mature if never given at least a small level of challenge? Perhaps even too much serenity and smiles can become the undoing of our own souls. It's hard for me to be certain.

One aspect I am certain of now is the same thing my family once told me; life isn't fair. Oh, how I couldn't agree more! If life wasn't so difficult, everything would be different. I can only imagine starting with the baseline of all my current desires. If I had a more perfect life, Lumina could just fly her ship down here to Earth and hang out with me whenever we want, or vice versa. I'd never be separated from her through telepathy, blocked out by the weakness of the summer heat in Georgia. I'd never have to worry again about the plausibility of our story to others I share it with, as I'd have some tangible form of proof to display. I'd have more friends, more happy moments, more memories that could make me smile in a maelstrom of solitude.

I have none of the above, nor can I improve the situation very far. Moving up north is the only way I can increase telepathic frequency and its power, and only to an extent. I mean, I can't just move to Antarctica; I'd freeze to death. There's always going to be some separation between us. Still, for as bad as it all sounds, I also reflect on all that I have, which could never have been - were any detail of the past altered in any way. For all I despair over, I still have Lumina in my life, despite how infrequent or non-physical our relationship is. As much as I want more friends, more stability, or more intense experiences, I'd throw it all away if I were forced to choose between them and Lumina. Maybe that means she is my very reason for living, my purpose in life no matter where I am. It's a purpose I had to find all on my own, but maybe this applies to others as well.

I guess it's all how you look at it, which changes all the time with our moods. On a hot summer day like today, I'm normally upset, angry, sad, or all three at once, soaking my palms with tears in her absence or trying to win a boxing match with the pavement. Instead, for today at least, all I can think about is what she and I are going to do looking forward when next winter comes by. What plans will I have for her next time? What new moments and memories can we create together? How much deeper can our love lock in with each other? Just thinking about it has allowed me to smile during moments I never would in the past. I'm so glad I have a future here with Lumina. I'm so glad that despite everything, we can still be together telepathically. I'm so glad that she's my wife, hand in marriage at the Altiri Temple, bound together in life and in death.

Too bad I know this feeling won't last forever. Such is the nature of our balancing act. No matter how high I stand, despair will come for me again, ripping me from my bliss and clouding my mind with the flip side of the same truth. Yet no matter how far I fall, I'll always have a rope back to the top, through this incredible warming feeling we call hope, faith, and confidence.

There's just one caveat to these emotions; we don't have to do anything to fall into despair, but if we want to remain hopeful, if we want to believe that we can do something, or if we want to have faith that this moment is never the end, it will actually take some effort to climb that invisible rope. Even if it's just to get back to where we were, getting up from a fall is much more challenging than simply falling.

Isn't that some bullshit?