Chapter 53 - Misgivings

“Silvast?” came her name over a great distance, a man’s voice.

She pondered her thoughts, the developments of the afternoon and into the evening, lost in the myriad whispers of the past that bled into the present. The deep thud and rumble of her heart made its slow procession, giving a steady rhythm to her thinking. Calming her until she sat in a trance, time and memories flashing past as she searched for a single detail in a lifespan of more than three myriads. The curse of dragon kind, a memory that never grew old, that never forgot, not matter how hard one would wish it to be so. Every waking moment, every detail, every heartbeat timed the memories of an endless life.

That voice reached her again as she floated, searching, “Silvast...?”

Pain assaulted her, memory of a pain that she had only felt once before. Searing agony that shot across her torso from the left to the right. Tearing between her lower ribs and puncturing through her, then the feeling of life leeching from her, her wings unable to battle the winds and the sensation of vertigo. Her unseeing eyes closed as the memory of hammering into the fortress of Scarosant put her nerves on end, the scent of her own blood splashing out onto the shattered stones. The wreckage of her wings around her. Her sight dimming as her heart slowed. Her mind screaming for him, then silence, the silent march of death before brilliant sapphire shades surrounded her. Flooding her mind along with the sound of his voice, speaking to her softly.

“Silvast?!”

There it was again, was calling to her. She frowned deeply. Gasping as she was enveloped in sapphire, her heart suddenly beating strong in her chest. The vertigo fading. She still could not see through the blinding light that surrounded her, even filling her sight with her eyes closed. The pain still screamed through her, but was lessening until she could feel the touch of his hands on her, hard-edged and faceted. Working at the wounds that allowed her life to escape. A sudden inescapable demand to sleep rolled through her, fatigue that could not be denied. She opened her eyes to the sound of her name being called again, faint movements in the blinding display caught her eye.

Hands gripped her shoulders, that voice again.

“Silvast?!”

She suddenly surged into motion, throwing herself forward and standing, her eyes blazing, skin reacting and sheathing her in fine silver scales. Darkness invaded her sight as she withdrew from the memory of death and glared at the shaken man that was picking himself up from the ground a number of paces off. Another form stood nearby. Quiet realisation gripped her while her eyes darted from one to the other.

She watched calmly as Kitaraiya placed herself between them. Her eyes narrowing as Kitaraiya moved to speak.

“I warned him not to, Aunt.” Kitaraiya said, quickly glancing over her shoulder before taking a cautious step closer to Silvast.

Kitaraiya’s eyes widened as Silvast’s flared in warning, each of her breaths like she had just surfaced from a deep dive.

“No closer.” Silvast whispered, trying to compose herself.

“Silvast, are you well? You were speaking, crying out as if you were deeply pained.”

Silvast looked at her, “I was.” she said, wincing while feeling the ghost of an injury that should have taken her life.

She slowly backed away until she felt the smashed wall behind her, leaning against it. The rumble and thump of her heart calming despite the snag and catch of remembered pain that lanced though her chest. She smiled aggressively as she swallowed the sharp bolt.

“Is it from this afternoon?” Kitaraiya asked.

Silvast looked past her to see Rhyker’s unfazed stare, the look of concern on his face.

“No closer, either of you.” she said roughly as she noticed the faint sapphire glow reflecting off her inner arm before pressing her hand and forearm in tight against her lower ribs, covering the blue as it attempted to seep its glow through her blouse.

“Sil?”

She glanced at Rhyker and nodded as her scales once again returned to flesh.

“I just need rest, by mid-morning I will have recovered.” she said, the lie slipping easily from her lips.

“Shall we…” Kitaraiya started to offer, her voice stalling with the shake of Silvast’s head.

“No, I will make my own way down, I need to attend to something before I rest.” she looked back and forth between them curiously.

“You came to me to ask something?” she said perceptively, her eyes on them as she straightened up, her arm still hugging her ribs.

She pursed her lips, “I know that look, Rhy. After what happened today you are both looking for some space. Isolation.” she smiled through another wince, “Where?”

Kitaraiya met her eyes, “To scout the foothills.”

Silvast nodded, “You want to see what that pin in the library leads to.”

“It would save time. We could narrow down…” Kitaraiya continued.

“You do not need to convince me.” Silvast said, “The usual,” she thought for a moment, “One day. I expect you both to return before daybreak if you find nothing. Midnight of the second day at the latest, any longer…”

Rhyker nodded, “Understood. We will quickly tell Mother.” he stopped, seeing Silvast shake her head.

“Winter left with Ja’Sessh not long ago. She should be back before the dawn of the second day.” she said, catching Kitaraiya’s glance at her chest.

“Silv…”

“Do not concern yourself. Those that can truly help me are below.” she said, with a half smile, “I will tell them both that I ordered you to scout the mountain range and find what that marker leads to, if it still stands.”

Rhyker moved closer, stopping as Silvast fixed him with a stare, “Do not waste the darkness with your concern, Rhyker. Get your packs and go, quickly. Do not make me order you to.”

She looked over to where Rhuthain had been to find the tent erected and set. Jesse speaking with him as they glanced over at her and the twins. Her lip twisted at an edge.

“We will remain here for at least another two or three nights, the more we know, the better.”

She glanced at Kitaraiya, a warm smile growing on her lips, “Go, both of you need time alone in the wilderness.” her gaze shifted to Rhyker, “Together. Without the rest of us peering over your shoulders.”

She watched him as he nodded, “Then we will take our leave.” he said.

Silvast tipped her head, “Seek well, stay safe.” she responded, her eyes meeting Kitaraiya’s, “Try not to get into too much trouble.”

Kitaraiya nodded and led Rhyker toward the tent, him stepping into pace beside her. Silvast watched them, their easy and comfortable walk, the sway of Kitaraiya’s cloak and the flick of her tail riding up through the slit in the back as her shoulder brushed Rhyker’s. For a moment she saw them as children, walking close and inseparable. Always a step away, but rarely more.

Letting her arm relax, she looked down to the faint glow showing through the fabric of her blouse. Frowning, she turned and angled for the entrance to the Sanctum through shattered remains of the ruined temple. Walking past the broken pillars and the smashed remnants of statues until she reached the stairs down. Letting her fingertips graze against the central pillar of the spiral staircase, she started to descend into the blackness. Eyes adjusting, she made out the glow creeping up the stairs from the gallery below and its widely spaced torchlight. She followed the gallery, not using her sight and seeing the dancing shadows and flicker of the sconces.

She knew it was only for aesthetics for the light to be as it was, the long shadows a play on theatrics before entering the main halls and the drop into the depths of the sanctum. As she had helped to fire the fortifications she had spotted the collapsed structure which contained the main entrance to the same gallery but on the opposing side of the pit. She continued to walk, her mind slipping as she walked the path to the central core. Finally leaving the gallery behind her, she stood at the entrance and uppermost tier and level of the pit. Unknowingly, she walked along Winter’s path until she stood at the same section of railing that the winged warrior had launched herself from and looked down.

With the iris open, the central expanse had taken on a strangely fragile quality, every edge almost crystalline and sharp as the starlight crept through the opened subterranean chamber. Without warning, a flurry of feathers along with the heavy beats of two sets of wings dropped slowly down and into the pit. Jesse and Brensladina descended in a gentle, spiralling glide, passing Silvast on the way down with wings outstretched. Silvast watched their descent, the lazy spiral almost mesmerising, their wings bright from the starlit glow and the stark light of the core outlining their silhouette from below. Turning away from the railing, she made her way to the first of the stairs.

Time moved to the unhurried beat of her boot-shod feet on carved stone steps as the floors melted away. Passing the entry to the library, the view of the map room came to mind. The bright steel pin driven into the gemstone map that graced the wall, the cracks that spread. Both Rhyker and Kitaraiya should have already left or near to. Reaching the bottom, she walked along the broad walkway that ringed the lowest level, the floating pillared centre and blasted sand mound to her right.

She looked over to the two winged women, Jesse and Brensladina moving from corpse to corpse, Ja’Sessh’s victims. She slowed momentarily then stopped in idle fascination as Jesse stood over one of the lifeless bodies and reached down. Black, shadowy, inky tendrils swarming to the body, engulfing it, swallowing it and only leaving empty clothes and belongings behind. She frowned slightly as she heard their discussion echoing, Jesse shifting to the next husk, crouching and placing a finger on its chest.

“…Bren, we are reuniting the bodies with their souls. Those souls that have been released to the shadow realm.”

“But, how could this happen?” asked Brensladina.

Jesse looked at her, “When Ja’Sessh severed their life from their mortal forms, their souls did not pass on. They remain in that realm, just beyond what we can see, waiting, unknowing.”

“But, could we find their souls and bring them back here?”

Jesse chuckled darkly, “No, they are already dead, the last thing I feel like doing is tying their souls to their dead bodies and reanimating them.”

Silvast slowly started to walk again, her eyes picking out another rushing of black shadows. She frowned and watched the two from the corner of her eye.

“...then, we can’t eat them? They can be food.”

“Brensla, we do not eat the dead.” Jesse responded patiently, “We are just delivering them to where they deserve to go. The denizens of the Shadow Realm can tear them limb from limb.”

Silvast continued to walk, shaking her head.

“...flesh straining and quivering under your lips, the taste on your tongue…” said Jesse, her voice quietening momentarily, “…There are other ways to sate our desires, than simply through the act of feeding for nourishment alone, Brensla. Physical hunger is not desire, no matter how similar they feel, do not get the two confused.”

Silvast quickly glanced at them in alarm, shaking her head before slipping into the passage that led to Neci’s quarters, hearing Jesse’s dark laughter at Brensla’s expense echoing down to her. Since Winter’s restoration and Antrandis’s freeing of the remaining spears from where they lay broken, they had been given a life of freedom within their duties. Some taking partners and making relationships. They had all been named, their powers completed and no longer shackled. Her very own Scarosant now hosted a number of them, four that requested to remain in service to the hall and a number that joined the rotational guard out of Meliandra.

She continued to walk, passing the few dead in the corridor. Their bloodied forms a reminder that not all met a blissfully peaceful end. Taking the right passage in the fork, she followed it along its curve until the entrance to Neci’s bedchambers came into view. The entrance was beautiful, the designs of vines and ivy chasing the walls, leading those that approached. There was movement on the other side of the entry and as she reached it she saw Antrandis disappear through a doorway. Sian smiled at her, catching her gaze as she glanced about the room.

“Rhy and Kit left a few moments ago.” Silvast said quietly, stepping over to Sian and peering into the case full of organised sheafs of strangely bound papers that was open before her.

“They wanted to investigate that map? It would do them good, especially after what has taken place.” Sian said, looking up at her, “It is not like we will be moving for the next couple of days. There is a lot to unpack here.”

Silvast nodded absently, looking about the room vaguely.

“Sil, is everything alright?”

Silvast glanced back to her and smiled, “As well as it can be.” she looked toward the entry to the bathing rooms, wincing with the memory of Neci’s blood smeared throughout the room, her own blood spattered all about the ruin of her fall.

“Sil?”

“It is fine. I just need to…” she said, “I just need a moment. I spoke with Winter, she told me of…”

“Ekavira?”

Silvast nodded slowly, her eyes on Sian, watching that enigmatic smile.

“I only ask that our deal stands, Sister.”

Sian looked at her, “Sil? You of all people do not need to confirm…”

Silvast stared at her, “I do, Sian. I must. I have to. As I always have. Then and now.”

Sian smiled softly, “Sil, you do not need my permission.” she said as she placed a bound volume back into the case and stood.

She looked into Silvast’s eyes, her emerald with silver flecks on platinum, “It is as I said then, nothing will change.”

Silvast smiled uncertainly, “I am asking you, not your joined consciousness.”

Sian nodded, “Whenever we speak, I speak as myself.” she said, a slow concerned frown coming to her brows, “Silvast, what is worrying you?”

“Change… Change is worrying me, it has come at a flurry recently. I do not cope with it well, it makes me uncertain.” Silvast said with a chuckle, “It gnaws at my insecurities.”

She watched as a slow smile came to Sian’s lips, spreading to her eyes.

“Do I sound crazy? Gods, Sian, I am feeling it. And now with…” she said, before breathing out shakily, “It is too much.”

“It is not the thought of Ekavira.” Sian said with a shake of her head.

Silvast frowned, looking away momentarily before meeting Sian’s knowing eyes again.

“Winter told me you seemed unsettled when you spoke with her this afternoon.”

“Yes, we spoke while I bathed.” Silvast said, her eyes widening, ‘She kept me company.”

Sian nodded, “You got hurt, Sil.” she said, taking Silvast by the hand and leading her to the room with pools for bathing.

Silvast grimaced, expecting the bloody mess, but instead was met with cleanliness.

“It is not every day that you would actually get hurt in such a way, to be reminded of your mortality. Not even in a millennia.” Sian glanced at the passage and spoke, “How bad?”

“Three ribs, and I could taste my own blood. I hugged the blast.”

Sian met her eyes and nodded, the silence almost deafening as she waited.

“My heart stopped beating, I...”

“For how long, Sil?”

Silvast stared at her, she could feel the blood drain from her face, “I am not sure, but I could not feel it.” she said softly.

Sian reached out and placed her hand on Silvast’s chest. She watched as Sian’s eyes narrowed, a faint blue reflection shining back at her. Instinctively, she pressed her arm against her ribs. She looked at Sian, their eyes meeting.

“It is my greatest possession, I am not afraid to say it.” she admitted, a small embarrassed smile on her lips.

Sian smiled gently, her eyes warming as she took Silvast’s hand, “Sil…”

“It is a treasure, a part of me that can’t be taken. It just took a long time to realise it.” Silvast looked at her hand in Sian’s, lightly running her fingertips over her soft skin, “To accept what was sacrificed without hesitation to bring me, a dragon, back from the edge of death.” she said after a long pause.

She stepped aside and looked at herself in the mirror, the possessive platinum flash of her eyes as she lifted a hand. Slowly she parted the collar of her blouse. Touching the space between her collarbones, a radiant blue glow sprang to life under the gentle caress of her finger until it grew sharp and gleaming. Through the filmy fabric another two points glowed, matching the startling sapphire at her neck. She saw the gentle smile of Sian’s in the mirror, and moved to cover it in a spark of self-consciousness.

“I have seen them so many times, there is no need to hide them from me.” Sian said, watching her in the mirror, “Let me see.”

She looked at Sian, the way she turned, the confidence that was on display as she took her hands and lowered them to her sides. Sian’s dexterous fingers unlaced the top of her blouse until its lapels hung loose. Without protest, she slipped it off and met Sian’s eyes and nodded. The supportive soft wrap around her chest obscured much of it. Feeling fingertips slip under the side, she felt it being untucked before Sian started to unwind it, passing around her three times, folding the broad wrap as she went. Standing half-undressed, she looked at herself before Sian stood between her and the mirror.

She met her gaze, “Do you not have his memories? Then you would…” Sian’s shaking head quietened her.

“I do not feel it proper to live his experiences as if they were my own. Despite the offer, it is not my place to pry into the time before I first met him.” Sian smiled gently, “They are there within my reach, but they are not mine to take.”

Sian gestured, “May I?”

Silvast nodded, lifting her right arm to expose the glowing trail of bright sapphire. She shivered as she felt Sian’s fingertips graze over the skin of the side of her lower ribs and under her right breast.

“I have seen this. But… I never appreciated what it really meant until now.” Sian took in a sharp breath, her eyes glowing quietly.

“Before your rise.” Silvast said, catching Sian’s quick nod.

“Many things lack meaning when you can not relate to them physically.” she said, running a fingertip lower, “Even now, you hide this, even from yourself.”

Sian held her breath as more sapphire tendrils appeared under her touch, reacting to her will, “So badly hurt.” she whispered.

Silvast watched their reflection, Sian bending to look closer, stretching the sapphire glow, running her hand over her smooth skin and wincing in understanding.

“I used to hide it out of shame, but now I hide it to keep it from prying eyes. It is mine and mine alone. A reminder that I lived when I should have died.” Silvast said, “It was a different age, the Eld as we know it now was raw and much younger. There were more elements of the old world still dying out. But it was a newer that tried to take the life from me.”

Sian glanced up, “I know of what happened to you.” she said, frowning, “But I did not realise…” her words trailed off into silence as Silvast nodded.

“I will always regret what happened years later. I did not understand, not until I had made that mistake that could not be undone.” Silvast said quietly, “But that does not matter now. Regrets of a past that can not be changed are meaningless except to be a reminder, a lesson.”

She smiled, “In loss, I gained.”

Sian glanced up, standing, her hand still pressed against the sharp emerald light from the left of Silvast’s chest, “Do you know what this is?”

Silvast nodded, tilting her head forward, “Please.”

“Are you sure?”

“Take this fear from me, show me the truth of what I am blind to.”

Sian stared at her momentarily before touching her forehead to Silvast’s. A deep sigh came from the dragon, shortly followed by tears that tracked down her cheeks. Each breath came in shuddering gasps as Sian spoke to her in the rawest sense, through emotion and thought alone, no words, just the pure, unadulterated and uninhibited outlet of raw sensory perception. She wrapped her arms around Silvast, guiding her as her legs began to weaken.

“Thank you.” Silvast whispered brokenly, a peaceful expression smoothing her brows as she took desperate breaths.

Sian guided her, the dragon swaying on her feet, almost drunkenly pressing against her, “Gods, Sian… What did you do to me this time?” she giggled.

Sian smiled, stopping before the bed that dominated the centre of the room, “Stop acting like an outsider. At odds with yourself, setting rules that threaten to drown you.”

She ran a hand down Silvast’s bare side, before hooking the edge of her belt, “What you asked of me affects me also.”

“That jewel under your skin, Silvast? Do you know what it really is?” Sian asked, her eyes smouldering while Silvast giggled rapturously and nodded, falling back onto the bed, seated.

Sian stood over her, pressing her down with a hand until she lay, “You bear a fragment of his soul. A precious stone formed from the tears of his pain, fear, guilt and grief in losing you. It is an act of his love for you that brought you back from the edge of death then, and did so again today, and will again when needed in the future.”

Sian looked into Silvast’s platinum eyes as she touched her forehead to Silvast’s again, letting the flood of raw emotion channel into her and overwhelm her. She pinned Silvast’s hand, before lifting her head, feeling the dragon squeezing her legs together in a futile attempt to relieve the burn and tension in her abdomen, mirroring the flare in her own.

Sian pulled away, her breath coming in short passionate bursts and stood, her eyes glowing sharply, watching as Silvast struggled with her belt. Without looking back, she stalked over to the door and swung it closed, bolting it. Resting her head against the back of the door, she took a deep breath and turned. Her eyes on the dragon as she stood before the bed, sliding the remainder of her clothes off, the sapphire scars marring her lower chest brightly glowing as she stared back at her possessively.

Feeling the faint turbulence in her thoughts, her eyes were drawn to the entrance of the other room that led off the main. He stood there, leaning quietly against the frame.

“We need you.” she said to him, reaching Silvast, pressing her aggressively back down and straddling her.

As she slipped off her own clothing, she glanced at him, letting Silvast follow her emerald eyes to look at Antrandis as he walked toward them, watching.

“As you wish.” he said, his voice both inside her mind and in their ears, making her shiver pleasurably.

Silvast stared at him, hearing his voice and words as she had heard them so many times in the past in passion. His voice that called to her in desperation as she lay broken and dying, his hands tearing the weapon from her, his tears falling on her face as they were surrounded in blinding sapphire light.