“Fuck! This fuckin’ burns!” Stinky suddenly erupted. “We’ve gotta get out of this fuckin’ cesspool!”

There was a round of nods as everyone glanced up at the new oomukade skylight Crowmoon had remodeled for us. That was when we saw faces.

“Oh fuck, now what?” I wondered aloud. “Actually—fuck it. Cowabunga it is. Bring it on you rat bastar—oh.”

Floating down from the hole were several individuals I recognized.

First to touch down was the blobby behind of Edwig Quintham, smirking as he glanced at all of us.

“Wow, real nice,” I said. “Weird how you suddenly turn up right when we flipped the switch on this guy!”

“Pah! Quiet yourself, orc! I’m concentrating on floating!”

“Yeah, just like a turd would say,” I muttered, but focused on the others entering the stomach.

Orville followed Edwig, and he seemed extremely nervous to be descending by invisible magic, frequently jerking in place as if worried he was losing his balance.

However, the next person to arrive was wholly surprising: Garth.

“Garth!” Frida and I exclaimed at the same time. The little guy gave us a wave.

“Hey-o,” he said as he hovered in, motioning flapping his arms in place. “Turns out I’m not just a nisen, I’m also part bird.”

“How’d you get here so fast?” I asked.

“Oh, that,” he said with a shrug. “I set my Anchor to Tallrock ages ago. I kind of like it here, y’know? They haven’t run me off yet, neither.”

The tiny creature suddenly caught sight of Rua and smiled wide.

“There you have it,” he said to her. “Told you we’d be celebrating on the back of foe, m’dear. But, bugger me bald, mate, I forgot the plonk! Ah well, suppose a drink can wait. I did bring this though, for you.”

He tossed me a mess of balled-up cloth. I caught it and raised my eyebrow, before examining it with my now super-muted Eye of the Saboteur.

Sojourner Garments

Rarity: Pedestrian [Exotic]

Item Class: Clothing

Durability: 10/10

Weight: 0.3 lbs

Bonus: Ha ha ha ha! Oh, seriously?

The ultimate in fashion for the newly-arrived traveler. The Sojourner Garments are perfect for those who have recently plopped in or returned from shedding their crooked mortal shame and seek to blend in with the local peasantry. Made from the finest khaki and tan fabrics, these garments are lightweight and airy, ensuring that you'll stay cool while looking like a complete idiot. But don't worry, at least you'll be comfortable in your own ignorance.

God dammit. Is this what happens when you die? You get more retiree streetwear?

I unfurled the fabric onion and stared confusedly. They were small. His size.

“Uh…” I said, looking from the wrinkled clothing to him, back to my own substantial frame.

“Christ, it’s all I had time to grab,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You’d reckon a bloke’d be a bit more appreciative to not be butt-naked and polka-dotted. I mean, mate—you’re hanging out.”

I looked down at the bundle of clothing and shrugged.

“Whatever,” I said, and began pulling the shirt and pants on, hearing the ripping noises as I did so. When I was done, I sighed. I could only get one button fastened on the shirt and the pants were basically daisy dukes, but at least my twig and berries were sheathed.

I noticed that the stomach liquid was now no longer burning us, and the sacs had stopped filling and popping. That was probably indicative of the overall health and longevity of the oomamakade.

“What’s with the new ‘do?” Garth asked, still floating alongside Newbie and Jigglepuss.

“Huh?” I asked. “Whatcha mean?”

“What am I on about? This bloke, here,” Garth said shaking his head. “I’m sayin’ you look like you’re in a bit of a grunge phase.”

I looked at the others, but they all seemed to be staring back at me with expressions that definitely gave me cause for concern.

“Guys…”

Frida, wincing, held up her helmet so that I could get a good look at myself.

“Before ye go aff yer heid, ken it actually looks fetching on ye.”

I stared back at my reflection in horror. Regardless of the ridiculous costume I was currently in that made me look like a big green sausage bursting out of its skin; the real travesty was sitting atop my head.

For starters, it was standing up like I was a cartoon character that had just been electrocuted. But what was worse was that its color was a bright, unwholesome, gradient of neon pinks, blues and purples. Nearly identical to the scheme of hues Rexen was rocking. I scowled as I saw that this new look also stretch to my eyebrow hair.

“Arjee!” I roared, and saw the little ghost witch float into view.

“Hello, pupil-mi—”

“Oh, no you don’t!” I shouted. “You can cut that shit out, you terrorist! You may have saved me back there but that doesn’t excuse…whatever the fuck this is!”

“Sorry!” Rexen said, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know what you’re referring to. Wait—were you the one I had that unicorn pubic hair delivered to? I can explain—”

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” I shouted. “Actually, I don’t want to know, that sounds like a conversation between you and the law. I’m talking about this, man!”

I jabbed a finger up at my hair and grimaced.

“This is a fuckin’ hate crime! I look like a My Little Pony Super Saiyan!”

“Oh, pipe the fuck down you miserable doorknob!” Stinky exclaimed. “It could have ended up a lot fuckin’ worse! Speaking of—Booger boy, give us a hoist.”

Edwig shook his head.

“Pah! I’ll take everyone but you, matau. I should zap you into little yellow pieces.”

“It’s going to take more than you to have a fuckin’ shot at taking me out, you heap of fuckin’ gutter slag!”

Aw. They just met and are already getting along so well.

“What do we do with him?” Rua finally spoke, indicating the spot where Crowmoon lay in the muck.

“Don't stress, we rang the Heat. They'll be here in a jiffy,” Garth said. “The Warder's here too, to... I dunno. S'pose to scoop up this bloke and chuck 'im in the wagon?”

“Wait—so how long is this going to last, Arjee? I didn’t sign up for—”

FWOOM!

From the liquid where Crowmoon had been, a blast of blue fire arced out and shot straight at me. The eggs, ever vigilant, sprang into action, trying to shield me from the attack. Fortunately, I was able to scoop them into my arms and insulate them from the flames just as they hit me.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuu—-” I roared.

The magic blue super fireball sent us right through the membrane of the stomach and soaring in an arc. Up and up we went, my body stuck to the blast with the force of its inertia. The eggs chittered in terror.

Die! Dying! No! We’re doomed!

I couldn’t do anything except be carried along feeling my skin burn. Far below, I could see a huge crowd of onlookers had formed—and it looked to be almost everyone from Tallrock was in attendance to watch my naked-and-screaming ass toodle-oo across the cosmos, like a shitty myth brought to life.

Worse though, was that the pain and exhaustion from being up all night fighting horrors that just turned out to be spoiled brats had started to get to me. With a gasp, I saw my Stamina dip into the red well before my Health did. But, it was too late. The eggs were freaking out, I was freaking out. Rexen was cackling with glee as we continued soaring.

Then, when I couldn’t handle any more, my back burning with the searing agony of my rapid rise to popularity, my Stamina dropped to zero and all the lights went out.