《Life would be so much easier if I weren't a monkey》Chapter 28: The old man and the sea monkey
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Name: Natasha
Race: Mandrill matriarch lvl 10
XP: 0
Size: 75
Type: Beast
Faction: Unaligned
Armor: 0
HP: 100/100
Strength: 8/Speed: 11/Endurance: 8/Magic: 8/Plasticity: 5/Luck 10
Senses: Vision 4, hearing 4, smell 4, taste 1, touch 2
Abilities: Balance 2, omnivorous 4, aposematism 3, specialized innate magic 6, Voice 1, coordination 2
Skills: Piercing bite 6, Jab 8, grapple and strike 7, precise throw 7, agile climb 7, nimble sneak 6, hide 1, rapid dash 6, dodge 2, block 1, discern weakness and strength 6, mysticism 1, quickstep 1, tumbling 1, leadership 4, mystic channeling 1, adaptability 1, infliction 1
Spells: Wind drake breath 6, windfury 5, jetstream 1, cloud step 1, thunder missile 1, misty path 1
Boss ability: mob boss
Lao Tzu
Mandrill lvl 3
HP:15/15
Tony Luciano
Mandrill lvl 3
HP: 15/15
I paused, now having what is all of one command taught to the both of them. My pride swelled in my chest. Now all I need to do is figure out how to get them to punch things and we’re set. I took a bite of another seed, watching the two of them eat. While they are busy it will give me a bit of time to think about my plans and what to do next. Right now the two of them are both level three, and I need to figure out how to get that up higher fast. I can’t take the two of them up the wall to the higher leveled areas until they have at least enough hp to survive up there. Which I’d say level six is probably the lowest that I could conceivably do that, and even then that’s pushing it.
I huffed slightly, sitting down in the dirt as I scratched at my chin. I didn’t really consider when I first made my decision that not only would I have followers, but I am now kind of responsible for them too. Which is kind of a hindrance to leveling myself up further. I mean, I don’t really intend to go full tilt towards leveling as fast as physically possible, but considering now I get no benefit at all from killing these bugs, it just kind of feels… Like wasted time, I guess? Well, that’s hardly fair, not all improvement has to be statistical improvement. I can get better at using my skills the old fashioned way. After all, I didn’t have some fancy menu screen back home to make me better at beating Dark Souls, though in hindsight I wish there was. I wouldn’t have died to Ornstein and Smough so much.
Maybe I should focus on mixing misty path into my repertoire, and figuring out what the heck mystic channeling is supposed to do. Looking down at my palm, I flex my fingers a few times, trying to imagine how magic in the body would really be useful. After all I know that magic is present in my body, and that it can move through it, but what does that really do for me? I tried punching with magic in my fist but it didn’t really have an effect. Maybe I should try and focus on it when I’m casting my spells instead? It’d be nice if I could buff up my bluster with more magic and make it stronger. I tried focusing on my pseudo-lung, and tried channeling my magic into it, just to see what would happen.
I felt the magic in my body accumulating in one place around the center of my chest, but it wasn’t actually entering the pseudo-lung either. My brow furrowed in frustration, idly tapping my heel into the dirt. So I can’t make magic punches, and I can’t make my existing magic any stronger. This feels like I seriously might have wasted a skill point. What is the point of being able to move magic around inside of your body if it doesn’t do anything? I casually swirled the magic around inside my chest, imagining it like a fish swimming around in a monkey-shaped tank. Maybe it has to do with non-innate magic? Though if that is the case I can’t imagine it being all too useful for me in the short term.
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I looked over at the other two again, watching them happily digging out the bug guts to eat away. The most carefree thing in the world to be an animal with a full stomach. Unburdened by the curse that is a second brain cell. I suppose I should get back to trying to get these two leveled up again, but looking at how distended their bellies are now, I doubt they’ll be in much of a mood to go hunting any more. That said, they do seem to get xp from me killing things regardless of if they participate. So I might be able to just hunt some low level mobs without them, and just let them follow along behind.
The thought sat ruminating in my head for a good long moment before I heard something from above and behind me. I didn’t turn too quickly, but I did try to slyly peek back over my shoulder to see what it was. It took a while to spot it up in the tree, slipping silently through the branches, but it was the huge snake that I’d seen before while swinging through the trees. As big around as the branches, and coiling around it half a dozen times. It inched its head over to the next branch to slither across it like a hammock. The only reason I managed to spot it so fast was the bright yellow color to the head, camouflage as a leaf, but leaves don’t typically circle around branches they are attached to. I wonder if the snake is an evolved form of the smaller snakes around here, or if it’s just a naturally large species. Actually, now that I think of it, the centipedes probably are an evolved species of something around here too. Maybe the spiders?
I decided to push that thought aside for a moment, mostly because I don’t want to think about those spiders right now. The snake however, I should be able to kill with little to no issue, right? That said, no need to just throw caution to the wind. If I had a nickel for every time that line of logic got me killed in a video game I’d have… well frankly a pile of pretty useless metal actually. What monkey would actually be worth anything here? Gold? Maybe copper, silver, like most fantasy games? Though that said, that’s kind of wishful thinking to bet on it being a simple translation. Maybe they still have a barter system? I shake my head, I’m getting off on a tangent again. Focus. Snake. How do you kill it?
Discern was able to tell me quite a bit about the snake. They are bound to have some hefty numbers when it comes to those first three stats, and looking at it, it’s a constrictor type too. Meaning that firstly is supposedly not venomous, and second, its primary methods of attack are going to be bite and grapple, trying to suffocate me. Though the main weaknesses will be in the lack of limbs obviously, a secondary weakness however comes with having a body that
Is as flexible as it is. It might be strong, but without the rigidity of something that has long solid bones. In other words, it’s weakness, arm wrestling.
I stood up slowly and made my way over to the base of a tree, and circled around behind it before climbing up silently. I peeked around the trunk of the tree to peek at the snake as it slinked around a branch. Ah! Got it. I’ll call it a Bananaconda. I had to bite my thumb to keep myself from laughing at my own joke, but I still thought it was worth it. I climbed further up the tree to where I was above the snake, though the branches were thinner and bent more easily under my weight, I tried to keep my center of gravity low and move slowly to keep it from breaking suddenly. Once I was over the snake, I took a moment to steady my breathing before I shifted my weight down and-
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SNAP
Crap. The branch had snapped once I’d moved to try and hang from the underside, tumbling backwards and tossing the remaining wood away from me. I plummeted directly towards the snake, who’s head darted around in my direction. I landed on my shoulder with a thud, hand quickly darting down to my pouch to try and grab my knife, but before I could even manage to, the snake struck like lightning, jaw clamping down onto my shoulder. Luckily for me, I didn’t see the classic two large fangs that inject venom, but instead there were a row of hook shaped teeth that clamped onto me.
-2 hp
Right after I’d said I was going to be careful, and look at that, I did the exact opposite. I wasn’t able to grab the knife, but I was able to grab onto the head as it held me, and figured if it bit me, it’s only fair that I return the favor. I opened my jaws, sinking my teeth into the scaled skin of the snake, though the scales were surprisingly tough to pierce. As soon as I did though, I felt my body lifted up and almost thrashed back down, before the wall of muscle that it calls a body slipped over my legs, squeezing me between it and the branch. I wasn’t too bothered by the tightness initially but as soon as it started to constrict, I felt like I was being pressed flat by a steam roller.
-4 hp
I didn’t let go with my teeth though, still latched onto his neck, and started thrashing my head like a dog, trying to rip a chunk out of him. The move was good for getting a reaction if nothing else. The snake opened its jaws at the pain before clamping back down again. He was adamant about not letting go. The coiling body slinked up my frame to the hips and I felt something pop from the squeeze, and frankly, I don’t want to know what. So, if there was a better time to use magic, it would be now. I took a deep breath, and silently thought to myself that this was going to get weird.
I let out a torrent from the drake breath, but my teeth were wedged into the snake’s neck, so instead of a harsh rush away, as the system intended, or the “rip off a chunk”, method I intended, the mouth shot open, jaw distended, and all of the wind I was channeling shot out of its mouth, like a constant unyielding belch. I would have found it hilarious to look at, if not for the fact that his teeth were in my shoulder. I tried to toss the head away from my wounded shoulder with the added force but this was the first time I’d seen anything overpower bluster. Interesting and very bad.
The wind from my drake breath continued for a few more long seconds before dying, and with it, the snake sowed a renewed vigor for the taste of shoulder, trying to snap closed again first before I tossed my head to the side to make its attack miss. On the other hand, my legs were completely enveloped now and the wall of muscle was covering my belly too, quite literally squeezing the life out of me.
-4 hp
My vision went blurry for a moment as pain racked through my lower half. The pain inflicted by constriction was very disproportionate despite the amount of damage being done. Which you’d think would be a good thing, but when you become hyper aware of every single bone in your lower body, you tend not to look at it as a glass half full. Though with the jaw opened I was able to reach into my pouch and grab my knife out a second before the drake’s breath ended. I brought the knife up, and jabbed it up into the bottom of the jaw. It stuck into the flesh, and with my fangs on the other side, I was able to wrestle the head back.
-4 hp
I tried to keep calm about getting grabbed, but as soon as I felt the body slither over my torso, and my stomach compressed under the muscular grip, all that my mind registered was white flashes of panic, like I was a water balloon being squeezed. My jaw tightened around its neck and my free arm pulled the neck down in an attempt to unwrap myself, but being squeezed between the tree and the snake meant I’d have to reach around the branch, which wasn’t exactly an option. Still it loosened the grip enough that my stomach wasn’t about to pop.
I could feel the body trying to crawl, and if I didn’t do something, it was going to crush me to death, which out of all the ways I thought I’d go, crushing was pretty low on the list. Think, think, how do you get out of here? I kept my jaw clamped tight around the neck, trying to keep control over it, but the strength it had was way more than I thought it would have, and I was expecting it to be pretty high. Maybe if I were to try and hit the eyes? No, I can barely keep control of the head while using both arms, at best I could stab wildly in the direction of the eye and hope to hit it before it bites me again.
My train of thought was interrupted by the sound of loud hooting from below, presumably the two of them spotted the giant snake above them, but that wasn’t too much help to me at the moment. At best they could throw rocks up here, and that’s going to do maybe one damage each. I need to help myself out here, and as the seconds tick by, my stomach is once again squeezed under the weight of its… umm… torso? I suppose. No time to debate that, while having my spine squeezed out of me like a ketchup bottle.
-4 hp
I let out a growl, which I didn’t know I could actually do, feeling my pseudo-lung filled again, and I knew exactly what I was going to be using this time. No sense in being fancy with it, I’ve already got a grip, and I’m going for broke. A sharp breath shot out of me as the wind surfed past my snout and outward from my mouth, enveloping my teeth. In one viscous tug, my head flung backwards, ripping out a chunk of snake flesh. I didn’t stop there either, lunging in for a second bite, wildly throwing my head from side to side to do the most damage possible. What I had forgotten about though was just how much blood a snake had. As the bright red gushed out over my face, and not in a cool Hollywood way either, more like an overstuffed sandwich.
The snake thrashed its head wildly to try and free itself from my grip (irony) while my teeth dug into the pliable flesh. My head whipped around when the snake lifted its head again, but this time it worked, my jaws raked free once it pulled back, raking fangs across its back. No sooner than my jaws were free did the snake try to return the favor, unhinging the jaw to try and swallow me whole. Engulfed by darkness, teeth digging into my torso. My lower half was being crushed, while my top half was being swallowed, this was worse than when it was the frogs.
-2 hp
My arms were separated, so one went into the mouth while the other was gripping onto the corner of the mouth to keep from sliding further into the throat. No I was not about to get eaten, at least not as long as I have any fight left in me. Though, once I let out my breath to grunt I got an idea I had not tried yet. I pushed one elbow down on the tongue to try and force it open, which means I’m not going to suffocate… or at least not from that specifically. I stabbed the tongue, as it was soft and in a perfect arc for my elbow. My breath was short and as I plunged the blade down, those hooked teeth sank into my sides, and were designed to make sure food only goes one direction.
-4 hp
Though, now that I am here, the flesh of the mouth is much softer than the scales, so I might just be able to do more damage as ludicrous as that sounds. I growled louder as I tried to ignore the pain from both my legs being crushed and my torso being bitten, wildly dragging my blade over the tongue until it was sliced off. The snake did not like that, as it pulled back its jaw. I saw the light again and thought initially that it was a good thing, but I was no longer gripping the head, and instead the body coiled up further pressing into my back. I could physically feel my ribs compress as it rolled over me, and stabbed the blade down immediately into the body, but it didn’t even react to the holes I punched into its side. It basically didn’t care. It had the hp to spare. I tried desperately to keep the air inside my lungs as it pressed down on me, because I knew one breath out meant I wasn’t breathing back in.
-4 hp
My teeth grit harder, and I could taste the blood in my gums, not sure if it were mine or the snake’s. I just continued to stab at the body all around my torso, hoping that maybe the blood would make it possible to squeeze out of here, but that wasn’t likely. In fact, feeling the body squeeze again, I felt most of the air forcibly eject out of me, like I was just punched in the gut. I reflexively tried to breathe in, but nothing happened and my brain went into drowning mode. A silent panic shooting down my spine. My only relief was feeling the pseudo-lung ready to go again. Without thinking, I let out the last of my breath in a loud shriek, louder than I’d expected thanks to my voice 1, and windfury surrounded my knife, turning my wild flailing into proper butchery. Carving out chunks of meat from the snake’s side. Even if it did have a ton of hp, this much damage is clearly having an impact, if just from blood loss alone.
-4 hp
Just then, as the corners of my vision were going dark, I saw two shapes appear around me, looking up just in time to see Tony sinking his teeth into the bleeding flesh of the snake. Lao on the other hand was down near the tail end, and biting as well. I didn’t have the brainpower to have a coherent thought about their appearance, just pure shock. The fact that they wouldn’t fight a lizard, but they’d come up here and fight this snake? Just then Tony pulled away, as the snake’s head came into view, snapping into his left side and lifting him up as he let out a yelp of pain.
-4 hp
Tony Luciano -2 hp
No! You can bite the crap out of me, but nobody hurts my monkeys! Windfury died off around my knife and I plunged it in with both hands, gripping it hard, and instead of stabbing I dragged it lengthwise across the body, simply ripping everything I dragged it across. Blood poured over my face, and I suppose it’s a relief that I already wasn’t breathing, cause I may have drowned in blood. Though once my vision came back I saw the bloodstained beard of Lao, pulling back the layer of scales and ripping off chunks of snake flesh with his teeth. I couldn’t see Tony, but I could hear him screeching while the both of us were busy butchering.
-4 hp
Tony Luciano -2 hp
I pushed against the mangled body of the snake enough to squeeze myself out just enough t free my ribcage, gasping out for breath, vision fading back in, and I whipped my head around to see Tony biting onto the side of the snake’s face as it tried to swallow him, but just like with me, it only had one of his arms. I needed to finish this fight fast. I may have a ton of health, but Tony just lost a quarter of his in two bites. Lao was digging his teeth in and flinching every time the snake head came close again. I just kept trying to wrestle my legs free, but it was taking too long, once I’d shimmied down to where it was covering my hips.
-4 hp
Tony Luciano -2 hp
As soon as I could swivel my upper body again, I felt my pseudo-lung refill and I knew just what I was going to do next. I just needed to be extremely careful with it. I looked for an opening, where the snake was taking even a second to rest its thrashing. I could see the eye glaring down at everything around it, as if it were insulted by our struggles. I raised my knife, taking in a deep breath and with one swing of the arm, one sharp exhale, I threw the knife.
CRACK
-4 hp
Tony Luciano -2 hp
The loud whip rang out like a gunshot as I cast thunder missile, the wind ripped apart in front of it as I was suddenly very thankful that I had the foresight to choose precision when leveling up. The blade sunk into the eye of the monster, and the mouth opened letting tony flop out as it hissed loudly from the pain. Tony plummeted down to the ground, but the snake was on the lowest branches, so he only fell about fifteen feet. I on the other hand was able to pull my legs free as the snake’s grip loosened. I could hear my bones pop as soon as I’d pulled myself free, both of them shaky as I tried to stand.
Tony Luciano -4 hp
I looked at the snake as it turned its remaining eye to me and Lao. I didn’t think that a snake could feel hatred, but it looked at me and it might just be me projecting, but I could practically feel it dripping with malice before it lunged for me with frightening speed. I wasn’t planning on dodging it, since I was not risking it biting Lao. So instead, I raised my arm and shoulder to block as much of the bite as I could as it came, slamming into me like a truck as I got lifted up off the branch.
-1 hp
I smirked slightly, though I was still in a lot of pain, I'd maneuvered myself to push my shoulder into the roof of its mouth, and my knee was propping the mouth open while my left hand was still outside. I snapped my arm out with a jab and slammed my fist into the one remaining eye of the snake, slamming down with a gross popping noise that I hadn't noticed last time, but what I did notice was that the thrashing head had suddenly stopped thrashing, and I was now weightless.
Creature level is too low. 0 XP
+20 hp
Tony Luciano leveled up.
Lao Tzu leveled up.
I was happy about the thing dying, but I was now falling. I wrinkled my nose at the situation, but really it can’t be helped. The most I can do now is try to cushion my fall with the- My thought was interrupted by the sight of the snake not falling alongside me. Ah, right. It’s wrapped around the tree, and I’m not… well this is going to suck. I braced for impact, seeing if I could reduce the damage with my tumbling skill, spreading out my weight and trying to roll over my shoulder.
-2 hp
Well, I mean it helped. I hit the ground with a thud and executed the world's sloppiest tuck and roll, but I did break the fall at least. I landed on my back, laying flat for a few long moments, looking up at the trees above me, just trying to catch my breath after all of that excitement. I just laid flat for a good long while before a big red nose filled my vision, that familiar scar just over be as Tony sniffed at my face. I chuckled slightly; I guess he was worried about me.
Standing back up, I let out a long labored breath. I did want to get you two to get into a fight, but I didn’t think that I was going to have to nearly get eaten in order to get there. Eh, I suppose beggars can’t be choosers. I looked up into the tree where the snake was, and saw it hanging there loosely like a big meaty ribbon. There on top sat Lao, with his long beard stained red and… he was eating the snake. How could you possibly still be hungry after all of that you just ate?
I brought my hands up to my face, rubbing my temples lightly, but I couldn’t help but laugh. This is going to be my life for the foreseeable future. Babysitting these two goofballs and trying not to die. I reached over to Tony and started giving him a few scratches under the chin, which he leaned into, giving a few pleased ooks as I just started grooming him. Though as I plucked a bug out of his fur and bit into it-
Creature level is too low. 0 XP
Yes! Finally! No more eating bugs! I can just squish them and be done with it! Ha! This is honestly the best news I've had all day.

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