You know what, I was gonna make this hurt/comfort but I'm not feeling like being nice so after a good while of being gone I come back with a really short angst chapter.

After Paintbrush's elimination, they get to thinking about their history with the show. This sparks Fan and Paintbrush to have a long overdue talk... perhaps too long.

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After a ridiculously exhausting season, Paintbrush had finally been eliminated and made it back home. Back to the hotel, back to Baxter, and back to their roommate, Fan. That last episode made them think some things over, how they were in the third season, the first, etc. They had been going over everything they could have done better and one particular thing they wished they could change, the first time they'd lashed out.

Mazed and Confused, Fan along with Lightbulb had been analyzing their character interactions with Marshmallow. Lightbulb with her stupid keyboard and Fans spinning wheel... They realized now that they must have lashed out because of being overstimulated, bright colours, obnoxious noises, and trying to withhold a conversation... it still wasn't an excuse for what happened next.

They shouldn't have aimed for the new guy, they shouldn't have aimed for anybody but maybe if they'd attacked Lightbulb instead... God, that sounds horrible! They didn't want to hurt anybody but they lashed out at Fan, they punched him and yelled at him and almost caught him on fire. Fan laughed then, but Paintbrush knew. They knew it scared him because he'd adapted a fun little habit of flinching.

Flinching around Paintbrush.

They couldn't help but look over at the roommate they were thinking about. He was invested in whatever show he was watching. His headphones were plugged in, and an occasional gasp or laugh was muffled by the string of his jacket that he was chewing on let Paintbrush know it was probably good. Well, probably not. Fan had a habit of finding horrible things hilarious. They couldn't help thinking, they never did apologize...

"Hey, Fan?" They asked, and somehow he'd heard them. Fan pulled his headphones off and paused his show "What's up?" Paintbrush shifted uncomfortably on top of their comforter "I'm sorry." Their words pierced through the silence of their room. "What?" Fan asked, rightfully confused by the random apology. "I'm sorry," Paintbrush repeated "for hitting you. I never apologized and I should have. So, I'm sorry." Fan didn't reply, instead, he looked at the floor and fiddled with his headphones.

"Yeah," he said, after a while "yeah, you didn't apologize..." Paintbrush wasn't sure what to make of his answer. "Well, I'm saying sorry now," they said, Fan bit his cheek. "I know that it hurt you," Paintbrush continued "I know that... you were scared of me. You flinched around me a lot." Fan didn't respond, so Paintbrush kept going. "I shouldn't have hit you or lashed out at you no matter how I was feeling and I should be really lucky that you even stand to be around me after that, Fan... I'm sorry," they seemed to have no other words to say, truly the situation didn't need many words to explain it but Fan wasn't talking so Paintbrush felt this need to continue.

"Yeah..." Fan said again. "Fan-" "You underestimate how much it actually affected me," Fan cut them off. "No, Fan, I understand and now I'm apologizing." But Fan just shook his head "I... I idolized you, Paintbrush. I don't understand how so many people don't get that. Before I was on this show as the Fan I was just a fan." It was Paintbrush's turn to bite their cheek. That was a fact that often got overlooked... for some weird reason.

"Fans looked up to you Paintbrush, you were so cool in their eyes... In my eyes... You were so tough and smart, you stood your ground, and you stood out... you were different." Fan took a second to sniffle back tears "And as someone different... I wanted nothing more than to be as fearless as you. I idolized you Paintbrush." Paintbrush swallowed thickly "And then... Yeah and then you hit me." Paintbrush opened their mouth but Fan shook his head again.

"You say that you noticed my flinching, but you refer to it as if it doesn't still happen," Fan said "but it does, Paintbrush, it still happens" Paintbrush found themselves holding back tears too "I idolized you and then... I feared you. I still fear you... Your temper scares me, I don't know if you'll lash out at me again, when or where, how badly... Paintbrush I struggled to share a room with because," Fan laughed to himself "I thought you'd yell at me for everything and, if I'm honest, sometimes you do."

Fan sniffled again and Paintbrush clenched their jaw, but they refused to look away from Fan now. "You still yell a lot, and you lose your temper. It's better, ill admit but... Man, I felt so stuck and upset for a while because I wanted to see you as this super cool person, Paintbrush, but that super cool person hit me, and... you didn't apologize." "But I'm apologizing now!-" Fan sniffled again, and when he spoke his voice quivered it was hardly above a whisper "Six years later..."

Paintbrush felt their stomach churn. They knew it had been a while but they didn't think it had been that long. "Six years and I thought you didn't care and-" Fan had to stop to keep himself from breaking down "And now that I know you noticed," he continued "It hurts a lot more. You knew how badly you hurt me and not once did you ever say anything- I was only a kid." His voice only grew more unsteady, it cracked and yet Fan went on "I was a kid who looked up to you... I've never had someone hit me like that before. It hurt so much, things only add up to make it hurt more." He exhaled shakily "I-" He laughed again "part of me wants to be petty and wait six years to forgive you but... That's not how a person deserves to be treated." Paintbrush let go of their, now sore, cheek "I won't do that to you too, Paintbrush, but I can't forgive you right now because... it's a lot to think over."

Fan closed his laptop, plunging the room into darkness. Paintbrush tried not to cry as they listened to Fan rest his stuff on the floor since his bedside table was too crowded. They listened intently as Fan shuffled in his bed and got comfortable. "Goodnight, Paintbrush." They heard his shaky voice say. Paintbrush closed their eyes, their tears spilled out of their eyes and they silently cried.

Paintbrush fucked up, and as a result, they fucked up a whole kid. Then that kid they fucked up grew up to be a fucked up adult. They tried to apologize, and they fucked up more. Congrats to them for being the most fuckiest of fucker-uppers to ever fuck a fuck.

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1166 words

I expected this to be short and it wasn't. But I did, surprisingly, write this all in one sitting so... take with that what you will.

(3•12•23)