Cody IV

I can feel the winds of fate shifting. I don’t know how to explain it. This is something Chris would say. Everything feels so off lately and not because my world has been turned upside down. It just feels like there’s an invisible blanket covering this town now. It’s heavy and its pressure can be hard to move in. Maybe it's because another person died yesterday. They say it was a drunk driving accident in the middle of the night. The gossip in this town is unrelenting. By daybreak, photos of the accident were shared all over. A car doesn’t get that totaled if it wasn't meant to.

“Does anybody know who it was?” Grace asks during lunch.

It’s just me and her today. Chris has been gone for a couple of days, so it's just been us for this week.

“Nah, they haven’t released that information yet.”

Grace slams her head on her arms that are crossed on the table. “Man, it's so boring here. Where are all the parties, the hangouts? Don’t you have any other people we can talk to?”

“I thought you were fine with just you and me.”

“I thought we would be doing cool shit,” Gracie groans. “Let’s do something after school.”

I chuckle, “Am I not good enough for you all of the sudden?”

Grace jolts back up, “No! No. I guess I just miss everyone.”

“There are parties and kickbacks every day, I just don’t go to them.”

“Why not?”

“After a while, you start to realize they’re kinda lame.”

“You’re lame,” Grace retorts without missing a beat.”

“Besides, I don’t endorse underage drinking.”

“I’m old enough, I've done it before.”

“Aren’t you like five?”

“Fourteen!”

“You look five,” I say under my breath.

I gotta say, talking to Grace is sort of fun. It took a while for her to stop being nervous around me but after she did it became much easier to talk to her. She even stopped staring at me all the time. I still catch her from time to time but it's happening less often. It’s also not that I haven’t noticed, she’s just too young. When I first saw her she looked like a middle schooler, she barely resembles someone who belongs now. Grace is a good person who I like to keep as a friend and I’ll leave it as that. Besides, I think I’m done with girls. I want Emily; only Emily.

I still haven’t received a text from her.

I’ve folded and already sent three.

Grace follows behind me as I walk her home like the lion cub that she is. We don’t speak, or at least I don’t. She rambles about how she still doesn’t have any other friends and doesn’t know how to make one. She’s a weird girl but I don’t think that’s what stops her from making friends. It’s the fact that Elizabeth died in front of her that repels her. I’ve heard the idle chatter in the hallways. They find her bad luck, especially now that Sara’s dead and Emily’s gone. Gracie can’t escape the rumor that everyone around her ends up cursed.

“Dude, why are you taking me home, I said let’s do something after school.”

I sigh, “Fine, follow me.”

“Wish you had a car too.”

Tonight there’s going to be a little kickback inside a campsite in the forest. It’s where I first started talking to Elizabeth last summer. I haven’t been there since. It’s a pretty big place, large enough for at least 10 cars to be parked in a circle. Everyone builds a campfire in the middle and everyone hangs out around it. Today the only ones who showed are bits of Megan’s friend group, specifically Carlos, Alyssa, and Connor. Well, I guess I shouldn’t lump them with Megan anymore seeing they don’t talk to each other now. There are a few other people I recognize, like Bo who likes to take a record of everything, and Isaac who used to hang out with us from time to time. Besides them are a couple of juniors and sophomores I don’t recognize.

“Don’t come here and not bring anything, Cody,” Carlos complains.

“Sorry, short notice.”

I notice everyone’s eyes on Grace. She isn’t wanted here, much less invited. She stands behind me, holding my arm to hide.

“Who’s this?”

“Grace, you know her. She’s cool.”

“Oh, nice to meet you, I’m Carlos.”

“H-hi.”

Out of everyone here, I think Carlos is the only one who doesn’t care what everyone says about Gracie. I’ve always liked him. “Want a beer?”

“S-sure.”

We follow him to his truck where he tosses us some. “Never thought I would see you come to these things again,” Alyssa says. “Losing your mind staying home every night?”

Everyone changed after Elizabeth died. I used never like Alyssa; always thought of her being another follower who used her for popularity. Now I think she just did it because it was easy. She never caused trouble and stayed out of everyone’s way. After Ellie died, I think she got tired of how everyone was treating it as some way to get sympathy for themselves.

“Not really, the little one wanted to come, however.”

Alyssa turns to Gracie who is in the middle of taking a sip. The attention stops her midway. “Miss little talk of the school, I was wondering when I was going to meet you,” she says with a smile.

“Uh, hi.”

Alyssa extends her hand which Grace accepts. “Don’t be scared, I’m not a bitch like Megan and her friends. Or at least I try not to be. I don’t really listen to baseless rumors anyways.”

Come to think of it, I don’t think Grace knows that everyone thinks she’s cursed.

“Oh, uh yeah, thanks? I don’t think Cody would bring me here if it wasn’t safe.”

“Big brother Cody to the rescue, huh?”

“I can stand up for myself!”

Carlos cheekily rubs the top of her head. “Sure thing, kid.”

I get a good buzz going after a while. I don’t involve myself in conversations a lot. I never do, usually. I like to observe, to read people. After a while I guess I got so good at it that people think I can stare into their souls. I don’t mean to, but it’s a pretty fun thing to have people say. It makes me feel that I’m better than I actually am. That I’m different than everyone else.

Emily of course knew all of this. She always knew that I like the hold I have over people. I just thought she would be the only one who would stick through all of the bullshit. I guess I was wrong.

Fuck, this hurts.

It’s hard holding it all in. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

I’m alone.

At least Grace is having a good time. She complains she doesn’t have any friends but she found herself getting along pretty well with Carlos and Alyssa. Even Bo and Isaac join us at some point. For once she belongs.

Maybe she is right, that I’m lame. I barely go out anymore. I used to be like everyone else, always doing something. It doesn’t matter if it is a school night, there’s always something happening somewhere. At least this get-together is a mild one. Actual ragers would be too much for Grace to handle. I haven’t heard one happening since Ellie’s death. It’s for the best, so much happens all at once that it’s hard to be safe sometimes. That’s my duty, right? I have to keep Gracie safe.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Grace asks me in a moment where we get to be alone.

“Nothing,”

“I don’t believe that.”

Gracie’s smile is cute. It’s innocent. It’s pure. It reminds me of how Elizabeth would smile. The way Grace talks, the way she stands, how she walks, it’s all so similar to how Elizabeth was in Eight Grade. Ellie was such an awkward girl back then; a complete 180 of the person she later became.

It would be cute if Grace can overcome her curse and become the Queen of the school, just like Elizabeth was.

I miss her.

I miss Emily.

It’s all my fault.

“And you call me a weirdo,” Gracie snarks after I stay quiet with my thoughts. “How can you guys drink beer, it's so nasty.”

“You get used to it.”

“It’s like barf.”

“You drunk?”

“Kind of, my vision’s funny.”

I chuckle, “Feel part of the cool kids now? This everything you wanted.”

“It’s alright. I just like hanging out with you more.”

“Keep it in your pants, Grace.”

“I-It’s n-not like that!”

Have I changed? If I did, what would the Cody of before do? He would take advantage of this. He’d say something cryptid just to fuck with Grace’s head and get her more intrigued with me. Grace would then spend most of her time trying to decipher it.

I told Elizabeth she was a blue flower, more like morning glory. I told her she was stuck in the tall grass. It was these words that makes me a forest fire. There’s no rhyme or reason. It’s the power I had over her.

“I saw your face displayed upon a crescent moon.”

I haven’t changed. I can’t change.

I’m a forest fire that burns everything around me.

“That waves up and down depending on how the petals bloom?” She answers. Yet it's much more than an answer. “I like that riddle. It’s smart.”

Grace. She’s naive, innocent, and sweet. She’s dumb in all the wrong ways but smart everywhere else. I don’t get her. What does she see in me? What does anyone see in me?

“How’d you figure that one out.”

“I don’t know. It just came to me.”

Grace is just like her. They share the same smile. Their eyes shine the same. I see the same light in Grace as I did with Elizabeth. If things would’ve gone differently, I think they would have been great friends. I know they would have been best friends.

In a world where I didn’t play with Elizabeth’s heart. In a world where her jealousy didn’t consume her, the drugs didn’t consume her. In a world where my Midas touch didn’t destroy her. In that world, everyone would still be here. Nobody would have this scar, nobody would be haunted. Darkwood would still have its light.

But that isn’t the world I live in.

I’m not a hero. I’m not the main character. I’m the villain.

I’m broken.

I watch Grace as she integrates herself into other friend groups, finally getting to show who she is to the world. She proves she isn’t a curse. Everyone wary of her eventually turns to like her. Some even invite her to other kickbacks. Grace isn’t who she was a few months ago. She’s changed.

Unlike me.

Grace can smile, she can laugh, she can see the light. I can’t do any of that anymore. I’m empty, just a husk. Everything that’s been happening has been ripping everything away from me. I’m not sure if I have anything left. I’m not even sure I can smile anymore.

I say everything but’s just been me. It’s always been me.

I destroy everything around me.