《The First Flame》168. Now I've Left Behind All That I Was
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They didn’t deserve this.
Arylos told himself this over and over again as he looked at the forest of bodies to be laid to rest. He clenched his fists tight until his nails dug into his skin as the bodies of the fallen were too much for him to count. He watched as broken families walked through the lines of corpses, clinging to each other for strength as they desperately tried to figure out where they would go next. He saw the lovers that were separated from death, cradling the remains of their loved ones as they cried desperately for them to return. The poisonous air was filled with the sound of death, wails of sadness pierced his ears and clawed at his mind as he felt the stinging needles of the radiation in the air stab into his skin; a constant reminder of what the Eikons had done, and yet these countless people didn’t care for the risk of illness and death. To them, the radiation would do them the mercy of ridding them of this life.
As Arylos looked down, he felt the brilliant burning pain come to him as he looked at the bodies of his friends and neighbors. He looked over their remains repeatedly, hoping to find some reasoning for their deaths like a child believing they were only sleeping. He looked at the blood that soaked Rikio’s chest and the burns that ran along his arms with a large splinter of wood impaling his left arm. He looked to Subaya, realizing her once blonde hair was now partially red and brown with blood as dried blood caked her face.
He then turned to little Aniya, her face devoid of blood and her body like crumpled paper and her legs strewn about. Her black and pink dress dyed a deep scarlet from blood and gray from ash. Arylos rebuilt the scenario in his head many times; how the roof caved in on them and choked them out. He could only imagine what their final moments were like and the pain they felt, yet they died as a family. Did that bring Arylos peace? Did it make him feel better that despite their suffering, they didn’t suffer alone.
Of course it didn’t, because he wasn’t there to help them.
Arylos’s wrath boiled in his veins as he wished he could have only done more, and yet he could have done nothing at all. Yet as the holy anger came to him, it changed something in him. It made him feel…at peace? It was a glorious and brilliant fury and yet he felt nothing from it; no satisfaction, no bloodlust, no desire to commit genocide against the Eikons. Instead, he felt nothing at all.
Arylos took a deep breath as he wondered about his mental state, confused by the lack of emotion stirring within him. He looked at the Dairiki’s and felt a beautiful wrath that burned inside him, and yet it brought him nothing. With a dismissive grunt, he shook it off, believing it to be his long life as a Titan; this wasn’t the first time he had buried a friend and it won’t be the last.
Yet something stung in his eye. He slowly lifted his hand to his eye and picked up a tear before it ran down his cheek. He looked at the tear, almost mystified by its presence. He looked at the light refracting in the tear as he began to wonder what he was feeling and what pain he was capable of feeling. Slowly, a realization came to him as he heard a woman’s pained cry in the distance and he watched her fall to her needs and collect a small child in her arms, the child’s mechanical arm falling limp like a broken tree branch. Slowly, Arylos realized what he was feeling as his hands began to shake. He felt a rage on a new level build up within him; a rage he had not felt in a long time. It came flooding back to him in flashes of lightning; the orange blood dripping down the mountainside, the gaping hole in a brilliant white dress, the burning sky as the sun spilled its guts across the heavens.
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Arylos gritted his teeth as he greeted his old friend; the holy wrath of Zjornfernheim, the Last of the Vlajhilsen of Mortehksun.
Arylos lowered his arm and took a deep breath, feeling his flames within him surge through him like blood. With each breath, a bellowing growl howled in his chest. He closed his eyes as he let the rage build like a spiraling hurricane. As he slowly exhaled, smoke billowed from his nostrils like a seething dragon. As his eyes reopened, their deep red glow shone out like rubies. Before Arylos could lose himself, he felt a soft grip on his hand that brought him back down to earth. He looked down and saw Iris holding his hand as she looked upon the city square filled with the bodies of those who once walked in its streets. As Arylos watched her, he felt his rage subside, leaving him cold and empty as he held Iris’s hand tight; not willing to let her go so he could savor her warmth for as long as he could.
“Are you okay?” Iris asked softly, keeping her eyes on the corpses lining the streets.
“No, but with you I’m a little better,” Arylos admitted softly as he lowered his head, almost in shame.
Iris sighed and rested her head against Arylos’s arm, gently rubbing her cheek against him. “Better is better than nothing,” she said softly while nudging closer to the Titan.
Arylos sighed in turn and took his arm back and wrapped it around Iris’s shoulders, pulling her close to him like she needed protecting. “You shouldn’t be out here long,” he reminded her as the stinging radiation returned to him.
“I should say the same for you and where you are, I am,” Iris said in a soft yet stern voice as she hugged Arylos. “I already cut my life in half; what’s another year or two off of it?”
“That’s a year less that I get to spend with you,” Arylos corrected with a light growl to his voice.
“At this point, does it matter?” Iris asked with a hint of cold to her voice.
“To me it does,” Arylos answered softly while looking back at the Dairikis, thankful that Iris was able to stay with him this short while.
“Then let’s head back,” Iris said as she rubbed her nose and pulled away from Arylos. “Bellona said she found someplace for us to stay; something about finding old caverns from the Dragon Wars.”
Arylos looked to Iris and then back to the bodies of the dead family in confusion. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“I already said my goodbyes,” Iris said softly while tugging on Arylos’s sleeve. We can visit them when the burial is done, if you want.”
Arylos nodded before following Iris’s tugging motion, following her away from the city square and back towards the mountain. As Iris pulled Arylos along, he kept his eyes locked on her hand like he couldn’t believe her for staying with him. He felt a little confusion come to him, wondering just why Iris would love a monster like him. He found himself once again doubting her love for him, wondering what she saw in him that was worth the effort.
“We should meet with Bellona when we get back,” Iris said, cutting off Arylos’s thoughts. “She said she found someplace for us to stay; something about finding old caverns from the Dragon Wars. I wonder what she found that got her so excited.”
“The caverns of Dulsereik,” Arylos said, answering Iris’s question. “A labyrinthian series of tunnels and caves throughout the mountain.”
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“Wait, really? We’re talking dwarf territory here,” Iris said as surprise changed her tone.
“Just like that; the caverns should keep out a lot of the radiation while also providing shelter,” Arylos said while looking back up at the mountain. “The hard part would be irrigation and water supply. The groundwater is likely polluted and we can’t rely on rain runoff.”
“So that’s why you and Moviron were so concerned about water; he already planned for this,” Iris said with a slight smile on her face.
“To be fair, it was part of the plan anyway,” Arylos said with a soft chuckle. “He kept the caverns as an option just in case the Reig return with a vengeance. I guess his mistake then was not preparing the infrastructure, but maintaining something like that for almost three thousand years is difficult.”
“Well, he was half right; the Reig did return with a vengeance,” Iris said lightly, as she let go of Arylos’s sleeve and grabbed a hold on his hand.
Arylos sighed and shook his head, disappointed in Iris’s sense of humor, or lack thereof. “Bad joke, honey.”
“Just trying to relieve some tension, that’s all,” Iris said softly as if embarrassed.
“I know you have morbid humor, but that’s a little too dark, knowing you,” Arylos said as disappointment took over all of his other emotions.
Iris took a turn and Arylos could recognize the cavern passage as they approached the entryway with civilians surrounding fires and huddled under layers of blankets to shield them from the radiation and the cold. As they climbed up the stairs, Arylos felt his worn out legs groan with exhaustion. Before Arylos could ask Iris for a respite, she began to wave at a familiar shape not too far away as Arylos recognized Bellona from her gold and red armor and dark tan skin. Like an old friend, the Templarian warrior ran towards the duo like her life depended on it.
“I have been looking for you two everywhere!” Bellona said with surprise as she finally approached.
“We’re sorry, we just had some things to mentally sort out,” Arylos said with a light bow that stirred confusion in Bellona as she looked at him.
“But I think it’s time we rest for tonight,” Iris said after Arylos with a nervous laugh. “You said you had some place for us to stay here?”
Bellona grunted as she crossed her arms and silently gestured the two to follow her as she walked down a hallway as Arylos struggled to keep up, even with his staff. The two looked around at the cavern walls as Bellona led them down a few corridors lined with stone doors with runes from an ancient age. Iris lost herself in the runes, carved into the stone by sharp blades and claws. Suddenly, she was startled by Bellona stopping suddenly as she opened a heaven stone door into a small room carved out in the stone. As Iris looked inside, she could make out features she could lightly recognize; a hearth carved into the stone walls with nearby water basins and another door to the side that she could only assume was a bedroom. The room was bare save for the stone features and draconic runes carved into its walls and didn’t even feature candles.
“It’s not much, but I’d say it’s better than sleeping out there,” Bellona said with a soft and warm smile. “And from what you’ve told me of your younger days, you’re quite accustomed to living inside a mountain, Arylos.”
“It’s been a while, but I can manage,” Arylos said with a soft chuckle as he rested his hand on the stone walls. “We don’t deserve this though; it should really go to someone else who needs it more.”
“Shut up; you two are my friends and I’m not about to leave you homeless,” Bellona said with a grumble in her voice. “Not to mention, you two did a lot of good; half of these people would be dead if it weren’t for Iris and I don’t want to think about what would happen if Arylos wasn’t here.
“None of this,” Arylos said under his breath as he lowered his head.
“The Eikons would come anyway; you at least made sure they didn’t finish the job,” Bellona corrected in a stern voice as she approached Arylos and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Get some sleep, you two. Don’t worry about us for now, okay?”
Arylos and Iris looked at each other for a moment before nodding slowly, warranting a soft chuckle from Bellona as she made her way back out into the cavern. Iris walked forward and gathered soft blue flames in her hand for light as she looked around the cavern as Arylos leaned against the stone door, slowly pushing it closed.
“Well, it’s not much but I think we can make it work,” Iris said with a soft smile as she looked at Arylos for a moment. “Let’s just hope that I’m not claustrophobic.”
Arylos closed the door and leaned against it for support as he looked at Iris and her blue flames, his red eyes giving contrast to the blue and reminding Iris where he was. “That’s enough,” he said in a soft growl as sadness filled his eyes.
“Enough of what?” Iris asked in confusion.
“This; enough of this,” Arylos said with disappointment as he pushed himself away from the door and slowly approached Iris, leaning his staff against the wall.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Iris said nervously.
Arylos grunted and gently hugged her, nuzzling his cheek against her scalp. “We do this together, remember?” he asked softly as he tried to fight back tears he had successfully kept hidden. “You have been strong for me this whole time so that I could grieve on my own feet. Now let me do that for you; we lean on each other so we can stand together, so lean on me.”
Iris felt shocked at Arylos’s insistence, yet she couldn’t find the strength to defy him. Without warning, she felt her emotions run wild as her tears gushed out like a waterfall. She quickly clung to him, extinguishing her flames as she rubbed her face in his chest to muffle her crying. Arylos sighed as he rubbed her scalp, letting Iris swim in the emotions she wanted to keep hidden.
“It’s not fair!” Iris cried out as she clung tight to him like a hurricane was blowing through. “They didn’t deserve this!” she continued, echoing Arylos’s own grief.
Arylos sighed as he lost the strength in his legs to stand and he leaned against the wall, slowly lowering himself as the two of them sat on the floor, locked in each other's arms and wordlessly promising not to let go. Arylos cradled Iris tight as she cried into his chest, wanting nothing but to provide her whatever comfort he could provide.
“Neither do you,” Arylos whispered softly, wishing he could offer a better life and ashamed that this was the life he gave her.
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