a magic night. . . soothed, smoothed, opened and caressed

dawn of a different world! not one thing left the same

each cell changed — that's how it felt! and feels

but last hours of this cold March day do not feel good

wondrous still but no, not good

so low, so sad, so weakened now

yet yearning, frantic just for moremoremore

more touch, more love

more sweetness from his hands, eyes, heart

but maybe he feels nothing? or nothing save regret?

no-no pushback . . . that just can't be!

each moment in his tattooed arms glowed bright

purest lambent truth, clean simple clarity, hushed!

near wordless, sacred dark

his unexpected strongly gentle love

but since then time has passed — wordlessness reads different

when no warm flesh is near, no modes of silent speech, no touch

belief I had now cowers, shrinks, withering as seconds tick on by

still no text, no call, no sound inside my lonely room

back wanting to be dead today, to end it, make pain stop

if I was wrong — but how could I be wrong?

was right there, every inch of me! beneath, on top, within, without

is all that nothing now? is all that nothinged now?

perhaps it is, perhaps that is modernity

my widow notions all old-fashioned, lame, absurd

I grip my phone, long to text again, to e-mail, call

or just show up before his blank white door

just sit there down on sorry ground and cry

but stop my stupid wanton self — not good

not good to be so ugly weak (and not a turn on)

two days ago, dark dawn, strange bed, I was embraced

cuddled, sucked and fucked — it's true, so what

what is that, that's the past

I am nothing, nothing now

an error, just need to be erased (bring it on)