July 18th

"Are you happy?" Doctor Auden Faustin asked Betty.

"There are times." She replied stoically.

"Elaborate ." Auden articulated with interest, making sure to note everything down.

Betty signed. "There's this sadness. I don't know where it comes from or why it always coming. But it's just there. Everything is working out in my life, I'm happy to be with my son and James , Enos has been supportive, but when the world goes silent, that sadness creeps in and I can't stop it. I can't control it. It's like a ghost."

"Have you told James?"

"No I haven't. But I think he knows. I haven't told anyone about it. But it has always been there, for as long as I can remember. I ignored it many times and pushed it away, it caught up to me somehow." She said.

"Do you think it's time we start discussing your time in jail?"

"I'm not ready." It was Betty's quick response.

"What about your childhood?"

"No..." She argued.

"I won't put pressure on you, but you must remember that for you to get better, you'll need to start opening up. Have a nice day."

.........

July 25th

"When was the first time it happened?"

Betty turned her eyes away from Auden as she provided a response. "When I was nine. He'd leave for months and then return without saying a word to me. Mother always said that he was just stressed but he talked to everybody else but me."

"Even your brothers?"

"Yes, he spoke to them often. But never with me. Was it something I did? Or said?"

"I might not be your father Betty, but I can tell you this- he pulled away from you and it wasn't a nine year old girl's fault. You weren't the problem."

_________

August 2nd

"I don't want to be like my mother." Betty said.

"Why do you think you'd turn out like her?"

"I don't think so. I'm just saying I won't ever hurt my child like how she hurt me. She left me alone."

Auden wrote her analysis down.

"You need to forgive yourself Betty. It wasn't your fault that you gave birth in prison."

"I should've been more careful. I wasn't suppose to get pregnant in those circumstances to begin with."

"You can't change the past, and blaming yourself for situations that you had no control over doesn't help you and it doesn't help your son." Auden advices.

"It was not out of my control, if I had never gone to Georgia then none of this would have happened. It's my fault everything went to hell."

__________

August 8th

"Do you blame Enos?"

"A part of me does." Betty was confessing. "But he was good to me and helped me when I was going through a tide. On the day of the accident, inside that car I told him to stop and pull over and he didn't listen to me. May be if he had, then that accident wouldn't have happened. So yes, a part of blames Enos, and a part of me blames James."

"Blaming doesn't help anybody." Auden told her.

"I know."

"You must understand that there were probabilities of so many events that could have happened that day. Neither of you could have possibly predicted the worst was coming. You can't carry the burdens of a future you had never foreseen. What matters is that you are here today with the people you love."

______________

August 14th

"I sometimes feel guilty for ruining Enos' life."

Auden wasn't expecting Betty to say that. "Why do you think you ruined his life?"

"Everything made sense to him until I came into the picture. I caused him more harm than good. I think the only good thing that came out of me being with him is our son. Aside from that, I tore that man apart. He sacrificed so much to make me happy and be with me but in the end, I exposed him to the worst pain."

"I think this is a conversation that you should be having with Enos and not with me. But I can tell you this, you didn't ruin anybody's life."

_______________

August 25th

"I couldn't look Hayes in the eyes today. The guilt was eating me alive."

Auden wrote down on her Notebook, something that agitated Betty.

"Can I read it?" She asked politely.

"No, it's confidential." Auden replied.

"But it's about me." Betty pushed.

"Why don't we talk about you not being able to look Hayes in the eyes?" Auden quickly changed the subject.

Betty sighed, "I've complicated his life. We constantly have to move him from house to house, he had two dad's, and what will happen when he gets older and starts to see things for what they really are? What if he hates us?"

"As long as you all love this baby with all your hearts, take good care of him, raise him right, educate him, be there for him every step of the way, stand right by him, he could never hate you nor his fathers. The problem starts when neither parent pays attention."

_____________

September 3rd.

"I think James wants to propose."

"You don't seem happy about it." Auden mentioned. "Wasn't this something that you both knew would eventually happen! I thought you wanted to spend your life with him."

"I want that. It's just that I never thought he'd want to marry me so soon."

"What makes you think he wants to engage you?"

"I saw the ring. And he tired to do it this one time but he got nervous and never did. But he was so close to doing it."

"How did you feel about that?"

"I was happy, but scared. Sometimes you just don't know the answer until someone is on their knees and asking you to marry them. I wish I wasn't fucked in the head. I would've made such a lovely bride."

"Nobody is forcing you to do anything, especially to commit. You need to remember that. And if James is hesitating, may be he knows that too. And also, if you aren't ready now, it doesn't mean you'll be ready three years later. You don't have to make up your mind now, but it's something you need to do. He deserved to be aware of how you feel from the start for you'll be wasting so much time and energy on something that doesn't have a future."

"I love him. I know this for sure."

"Then what is the real problem? You can talk to me."

"What if it doesn't work out? I can't let my son go through a divorce."

Auden looked at Betty. It was clear where the problem laid. "Do trust James?"

"I do."

"Are you sure?"

Betty never replied to that.

___________

September 11th.

"It's clear to me that this isn't entirely about James." Auden said.

"What do you mean?"

"You can't seem to trust anybody. Because of everything that happened and all those people who left you, you are afraid that one day James will back out. And since Enos is the only person who stayed, you are worried you made the wrong decision by choosing James."

Betty felt her heart ache. "I thought I was over it, that I had put the past behind me but I can't seem to forget that James discarded me. And I know he swore it, that it wasn't going to happen again but I can't shake it off. My baby needs stability."

"You need to open up to James about how you are feeling. And just because Enos has shown stability that doesn't mean you should be with him for it."

"I know that." Betty replied. "I'm not trying to be with Enos. I'm just scared of regretting my choice."

"You should talk to James. May be you can come with him to one of our sessions sometime."

___________