Double update .......

A year ago when I was first introduced to Hayes, he came in a moment when my entire life was already falling apart. It was the toughest period of my life and without the support of my father, I wouldn't have known what to do.

My heart was broken and shuttered because I'd lost the most important woman in my life. I was battling depression, anxiety, pain.....and it wasn't easy accepting the fact that I wasn't ever going to see Elisabeth again. I've never come to terms with it until this day. She was all I'd ever wanted and all I could ever think about. She was everything to me and I loved her with all my heart.

Losing her was the biggest lose in my life and one that I'll never recover from.

But Elisabeth gave me the biggest blessing in my life. Because without Hayes I wouldn't have had the strength to carry on with life. He was my reason to wake up in the morning. My reason to want a future, my reason to rebuild my life and without this beautiful baby boy, I would've been completely lost. He showed up when I needed him the most and I'll never stop being grateful to Betty for being the mother of this baby.

I often picture her in a jail cell, battling her fears with a baby growing in her belly, with nobody to support her, but she did it. As strong as she was, I don't deserve her and I probably never will.

She left me something that can never be replaced. I love this baby more than my life. He is the reason for my existence because he made want to live again.

He puts a smile on my face every single day.

When Hayes was brought to me, I had to get my life together for our sake. I quickly applied for a scholarship in England at the university of Manchester... I figured that Hayes needed a more calm environment and stable life away from the drama of my family. I've always wanted to move to England and that was my chance.

I paid off all my debts and when I arrived in England, it wasn't hard acquiring a job. I worked at the airport, it was a decent job, transporting cargo from the port to a specific address in the city. I worked part time, three hours a night.

I rented an apartment near campus for my son and I. It wasn't huge but it was perfect for the baby. I made sure he had everything he needed. I already knew alot about caring for children because I basically raised my little brothers and sister. So raising my own son was a privilege I enjoyed everyday.

I was majoring in architecture, something I've always wanted to pursue since I was nine. It was challenging managing classes and work and also taking care of Hayes but I had support from a small daycare center near the apartments I lived at. I knew a woman there, Carla, she was middle aged, big brown eyes and the most pure heart. She loved Hayes like a grandchild. Taking care of him came naturally to her.

Aside from work and university and Hayes, my life has been empty for the past year of being in England. It was empty since two years ago when I lost my baby girl. There so many things I could've done, and places I would have visited but I couldn't do any of that without wishing Elisabeth was around. So I didn't do anything.

I carried her in my heart and in my mind and she became my muse. Thoughts of her still kept me awake at night. I had many sleepless nights just thinking about the things that we could have been. I mourn for her everyday and the wounds she left in my heart are still so fresh.

I see her face when I look at our son.

There is no place in this world were my heart is safer than with her. She was my woman and I loved her so.

I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone again as much as I loved Elisabeth Wilson. And I wish things didn't turn out the way they did.

James showing up in our lives was the reason everything fell apart. If it weren't for him then my Elisabeth wouldn't have been locked in jail and she wouldn't have had to birth her child in a jail cell. She wouldn't have been accused and blamed for something she had no control over.

And now she's dead.

And we are all losers in this fight.

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