Listen to "Make you feel my love" by Adele

More months later...

His eyes were just like his father's. They were the most beautiful pair of crystal diamond blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life. He held onto my thumb with his little hand as he could barely open those blue orbs. But anyone could see them.

Even from the furthest distance. I even doubted if there's ever been such an intense blue in anybody's eyes before. As blue as the deep sea, one could even drown in them. He was perfect. The most perfect little boy in the world.

He took nothing of mine. From his head to his toes, he looked exactly like Enos.

"We need to wash him now. It's been an hour Betty, the blood will dry on him." Martha said to me. She's the woman who has been taking care of me for the past nine months. She helped me hide this pregnancy, gave me food, helped me give birth to this baby. Her and Lily, I owe them my life.

"Just one more minute." I held onto my little boy. "I don't want him to cry. He could cry." I was exhausted, my body ached than it ever did before. I could barely speak properly, only slowly as I took deep breaths. The entire process was painful, I'd never felt such physical pain and I can barely explain it. I'm even surprised I can't remember it now and it was just an hour ago.

"You've been saying the same thing for the past thirty minutes." She was getting impatient now and I could understand. But I just wanted to be with him.

"You also need to get cleaned up. The hot water is ready. It helps with your swelling, if we don't do this now, you won't be able to walk."

I didn't want to seem stubborn. But I didn't want to move from here nor let go of him.

"Betty....."

"Sshhhh... He could cry, Martha please."

"He? Don't you have a name for him?" Lily who was sited beside me asked.

"I don't know." I sighed.

"You never thought of it?"

"It made me cry." I replied. "Because then I'd think of his father and I missed him sometimes. He would've loved to see his beautiful baby."

I often wonder about Enos. He has always loved children. He would've gone to hell and back for this one.

"Okay, thats enough. Give me the baby Elisabeth."

"Martha come on." I looked up at her. "I only have five hours with this child. Please."

"He must be cleaned either way." She insisted. "I understand your pain Betty. Better than anyone could know. I know how hard this is for you, it would've been hard for anyone to raise a child in prison and have him taken away from you."

" He should be with his father Martha." I cried. "Not with strangers."

"There isn't any other option my sweet child. That family is the only way to save this baby's future. And we must send him away before anyone discovers you gave birth to this child. Whoever wants you to suffer here in prison might be cruel enough to get rid of this baby If he hired those woman to torture you the way they did. He is capable of anything. He could even take your baby and you won't ever see him again."

I've always known that.

I didn't want to cry Infront my boy. But I couldn't help it. I felt like dying inside. I kissed both his cheeks and his little hands and feet. "I love you." I said it a hundred times over so it would stay in his heart.

"You are already losing alot of blood Betty, we need to stitch you up." Lily reminded while looking at the bloody sheets. "You are so pale and you're catching a fever."

Martha came closer to me in attempts to take my baby. "No......not yet."

"Betty ..... Listen to reason."

"You don't understand me Martha. You can't possibly because you aren't the one who just birthed a child in a prison cell and is being advised to give him up." She stared pitifully at me. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "You don't know how it feels like to lose a child Martha."

"I never claimed to knowing that. But you must be strong Elisabeth."

"Tell me how?" I raised my eyes above, asking for answers as my cheeks created streams for tears to flow. "Where do I get the strength to bare this? I've lost so much in my life. And now I have to carry the weight of losing a baby."

"This baby isn't lost. He is alive and you will eventually see him again."

"Don't give me false hope. That family you found for my Sweet baby is moving to Germany. I don't even know their faces. I'm never going to see my son again."

The baby started to cry in my arms.

"Now the baby can feel your pain. Give him to me, his mother doesn't seem to understand that children can sense the emotions around them."

She reached to grab her.

"Don't touch my baby." I warned her in frustration and that made my boy cry more. "Ssshhhh ssshhh sweetest heart, don't cry baby."

"Elisabeth, give me the child. He is clearly not stopping. You already upset him."

"Please don't say that Martha." That made me cry more and with trembling hands. "I just want to spend time with him."

"I won't repeat myself Betty."

"Can you please leave me and my child alone for once?" I raised my voice in anger.

She slapped me.....hard.

And I froze.

"You have no idea how it pains me to see you this way. But you need to keep it together Elisabeth or we will get caught. You are raising your voice at me? Who protected you from those monsters? When you were bleeding out, who gave you blood so you and your child don't die? Who gave that baby parents? Do you know how hard it was finding people who would trust me enough to give them a baby whose mother was in prison? It took me ages. You would've died in this place. You and your child wouldn't have made it -if it weren't for us. I don't want to see all those efforts going to waste just because you can't be strong right now. In the last moment."

"I don't know how to." I grieved with a sharp pain on my chest. "I've lost everything. My family, my education, my future, my life, my mind, my pride..... I've lost it all Martha. And now I'm about to lose the only person I had left. This baby is my last reason to keep going. I don't know how to be stronger anymore. My baby came to my life and I had one more reason to get up in morning. I have nothing now."

I looked at the crying child and gave him a kiss. "I love you angel.....so so much. Hush my dear, sshhhh.... hush hush."

I thought deeply.

What would Enos have called him? Our baby boy is so tough. He tolerated everything, he survived a place like this. Our boy is already a winner. More of a winner than I'd ever know. Our baby survived the cold. He survived the storm. And he survived the valleys.

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Hayes.

I smiled a midst the chaos.

"Hayes White." I told Martha my baby's name.

She smiled at us. "That's a biblical name. Hedged Valley. It's perfect for him Betty."

I gave Martha my baby. She washed him clean and returned him to me. I sang him a lullaby and stared at him for hours. I fed him my milk each time he'd wake up. Lily got him some clothes to wear so he wouldn't be cold. I had nothing to give him. That made me sad. But I gave him all my love. Every single drop. To make him feel my love.

When it was time for Hayes to go, my heart broke into a million pieces. I wasn't recovering from that heartache and I knew it. I thought I'd lost before ...... That I already faced the greatest loss when I lost myself. But I was wrong. Losing my baby was the greatest lose of all.

I'd never see him grow into a fine young man. Deep down I knew he'd be just as confident, caring, true, smart....just like his father. He wouldn't leave anyone behind because his dad never did that. He would be giving, and faithful. I was already so proud of Hayes.

I wish he'd grow up knowing that his parents loved him. Because I'm sure Enos would've done everything for him. He would take a bullet for his boy.

Hayes is better off without me. I had nothing to offer him for his future. Fate decided I wasn't fit enough to raise my own child and what can I do when I'm locked up in here? Nothing. I can barely take care of myself. He will be a better man else where. That I'm sure.

I've been here for nine months now. I can't help but think that James didn't make it. I cry myself to sleep most nights. Thinking that my son is gone and then baring the thought that James could be dead. Little by little I saw myself falling deeper and deeper into my misery. My heart was shuttered beyond repare at that point. And the fear of time passing me by was eating me up alive. I didn't care for living nor for dying.

I didn't care about anything anymore.

Because it didn't matter whether I died or lived. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't take my pain away. Because this pain was in my soul and we take our souls with us when we die.

The world would move on. Trends would change and time would fly. Friends will marry, I'd probably never see William again, Nor Lucy. Everyone will move on and I'd be left here. Forgotten, alone, empty.

I came to a conclusion that there wasn't a difference between me and the dead. Just the environment. I was still on earth and they're some place alone. It's the same loneliness either way. It didn't matter where.

At some point I stopped believing that God existed.

I hadn't seen him in my life, so what was the point in hoping?

Martha would tell me to hold on. That eventually things would change and I'd see God in my life. She told me good things happen to those who wait. She said that we must be tested.

I didn't want to be tested.

I just wanted to be happy.

And that wasn't happening.

So I gave up.

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