Listen to "Love like ghosts" by Lord horun.

A few months later......

The same fucked up nightmare kept me awake every night. I can't remember a moment after her that I'd slept for longer than two hours without her hunting my dreams.

I can't tell whether it's even a nightmare anymore. That's the only place I get to see that beautiful face again. The only space in my world that I get to feel her presence.

I wipped my sweaty forehead with the palm of my hand and rubbed my eyes. I slowly tried to steady my heavy breathing.

"Are you alright son?" My father's voice reached my ears from across the room as he stood by the door. He's always there when I wake up from my nightmares and he'd always ask me the same question as though he didn't know the answer.

I'm never going to be okay.

"It's fine dad. You can go back to sleep."

"It's her again? Isn't it?"

I can't get rid of her and I don't think I want to-even though she keeps me awake at night. "Dad please, I don't want to talk about it."

"You gonna have to open up eventually or those nightmares won't ever stop."

"Who said I wanted them to stop? And talking about it doesn't change anything."

"You are hurting son. I can see it in your face that it's the toughest thing you've ever had to go through. She was something special, we all knew that. But you must find it in your heart to let her go or you'll never find any peace."

"I don't want peace. I don't care for it and I most certainly don't deserve it. So can you please leave me alone?"

"Are you saying that because they Locked her up? Is this your guilt for being free as she remains behind closed doors for something she didn't do?"

My soul aches everytime I remember those people taking her away from me. I had it all, and then it was all taken away just like that and I couldn't do anything about it.

She was my love.

I had only one heart and she took it with her.

Now I have nothing left in me. She took it all away.

"You did everything you could Enos? You haven't been home for months just looking for her in every state, in every prison you could find. You tried."

And it wasn't enough. "She doesn't deserve this dad."

"I know."

"I need to try harder. Perhaps she's in another country."

My father road his wheelchair into my room . "You are already in debt for money you can't pay back. You used every single sent you had just searching for her. Where will you get the money to fly across the world?"

"I must do something. I can't stop now and I won't stop now because every single day she is somewhere suffering in a jail cell." I reminded him. "She's just a girl. She has her whole life ahead of her and they turned her in. She was already going through so much. Everyday I wonder if she's coping and everyday I remember how helpless she looked and how frustrated and how depressed she was slowly becoming and everyday I lose the little bit of hope I had."

"Betty didn't seem depressed to me. Was there any one happier than that sweet girl?" He insisted.

"You never knew Betty like how I did father. She was so close, so damn close to giving it all up. You should've have seen her in Georgia. I slept with one eye open because she wouldn't sleep, she won't eat, she wouldn't even look at me. I was terrified of losing her. Sometimes I'd fear she'd lose her mind because she would talk to the walls as though they're people around her. Betty wasn't stable. She was all alone and I was her only person left. I often wonder what tramatized her. I always knew there's more she just wasn't telling me. But I didn't force her to open up, I thought we had our whole lives to know each other deeper and deeper. I was wrong."

I paused to cover my face as tears formed on my eyes. I didn't want to trigger the migraines again from crying. I've been overdosing on all that morphine and the last thing I need is turning into a junky.

"That's why I need to find her. She won't survive in prison. Betty needed help. She needed me and I failed her. But not again."

"You failed her?"

I stared at the ceiling.

It was hard admitting it. "I took...."

God! I feel like a monster.

"I took advantage of her." I couldn't even stop the tears anymore. "She always let me have her in every way she knew possible, she didn't hold anything back, body and soul she gave it all on a silver platter, and I never skipped on the opportunity. Even when I knew what she needed was emotional support more than anything else. I was selfish. She was so innocent and I......fuck... I'm fucked up."

It felt like a confession for my sins.

The worst thing I ever did was what I did to her.

"I used her. It doesn't matter that she let me do it, and that she offered. It doesn't change anything because I still used her. And I knew..... I knew how she felt. Deep down I knew she wasn't proud. I saw how she looked at herself in the mirror. I've always known."

"Son...." He looked at me with sadness in his eyes.

"No dad, don't sympathize with me, that is misplaced."

I won't ever forget the day I fucked her in that bathroom. Nor how I did it. I won't ever forget her tears nor how she became after that. I broke her. I broke that girl.

I promised myself I wouldn't hurt her but I hurt her the most. I triggered her insecurities. I made her feel used. I made her feel helpless and overpowered.....and ashamed of herself.

Worse of all..... I knew. I'd always known she was giving too much. I was suppose to be in control. I was to be our guide because I knew she was already hurting. But as soon as I painted stars around her scars I made her bleed again. I added salt to the injury.

"You can't blame yourself forever Enos. Whatever happened, you need to let it go."

"I can't." I said the truth. "I can't ever let anything go. I love her dad. I love so much and you won't understand. Without her I'm lost. I've never loved anyone else. She is the only woman that I ever felt this deeply for. I can't do anything about it. I can't let her go. I won't forget her and I must find her."

My father kept quiet for a while.

"And let's say you do find her. How are you going to get her out of prison? The man who locked her up is very powerful. It's been five months and there's no trace of her. For all we know she could be........"

"Don't you dare fucking say that..., Don't."

"We must be realistic here. James hasn't woken up. Infact we haven't heard news about him since the accident. May be he's dead. Do you think his father would spare Betty?"

"Get the fuck out of my room." I stood up from my bed and pointed at him, outraged and disappointed. "What's gotten into you?"

"Life must go on Enos. This girl might have been the love of your life but she wasn't your life. I understand that you are grieving, and that she meant so much to you. But people come and go in this life. As wonderful as Elisabeth was, she was already suffering. Some people aren't meant to be saved."

"What the fuck are you even talking about dad? Do you hear yourself? I thought you'd know better? I thought you'd tell me not to give up. I thought that's why you're here. But you are unbelievable." I ranted that him.

"This world won't give you roses without thorns. It wasn't designed that way. It's not meant to be fair to you. It doesn't owe us anything. I was hoping that by now you'd realise that fact- after the things you've been through. I thought that losing someone would wake you up."

I wasn't going to compel myself to keep hearing the shit he was talking about. And I didn't care to make sense of any of it. He simply didn't understand anything. Betty wasn't meant to be lost. After all she'd been through she deserved some peace.

I left the house and went by the river bank. It was the only place I could clear my head. This home held so many memories and since coming back to Tennessee I've been reminded of that. There isn't a corner that doesn't remind me of Elisabeth. Like this river bank.

I remember having a huge fight with my father and I found an escape here. Betty followed me and did her best to calm me down. I made love to her here. And then made love to her again back home that night.

It was always her effort, her love that gave me peace. And then I accused her of not feeling anything for me while all she ever did was feel.

I might never be forgiven for what I put her through but I can try to make it up to her.

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