Listen to "The greatest" by Lana del rey

Present Time........

"Doctor Phill's gonna be here soon. Get ready quickly, breakfast's in the oven."

She was looking at her complexion in the mirror of her dressing table, seated on her bed as she gazed from a distance.

"I don't recognize myself." April said, not addressing my indications. This past week has been hazy for her, anyone could tell. Perhaps I watch over her more than I should because then I'm making amends, if I couldn't protect Elisabeth, this is my chance for reinvention. My way of trying to clear my conscious.

"You'll be alright. Give yourself some time April." I stood by the door and leaned into it, folding my arms over my chest. She turned her green eyes onto mine. The orbs were empty, lifeless.

"What's going on with you?" I inquired intuitively. She sighed, turning away from me. Her composure deteriorating as her face fell.

"My head's telling me that if I disappeared, nobody would notice until the day they find my dead body trampled on the floor."

I stayed silent.

Drugs have a way of messing up with your mind. You think you're sane and safe without using them anymore, but when withdraw effect hits you, the remaining dross in your blood system just clogs your senses. You don't see the beauty in anything and end up needing them so you'd have another reason to live in the clouds.

They raise your emotions. They trigger your darkest parts. They either make you violent, or a shadow of a human being.

April looked lost.

Her wild eyes no longer present, just tiredness coaxing her beautiful but paler features. She has been this way for days. She just gets up only to go back to sleep.

And then she over thinks everything.

Or she doesn't speak at all.

I watch her everyday and sometimes, it's like I don't exist in the room when she's in a lower state. I'd rather she speaks and screams than for her to just lay there. Lost in her own little world. Worst of all, she doesn't look peaceful. She seems to be walking in a darkened maze.

"I don't think anyone has ever truly loved me." She continued with a heavy voice, like a painful knot was on her throat. She was doing it again. It worried me that the withdrawal was giving her shifts. And the curve was heading down. April says the most depressing things when she's not high on anything.

"I often find myself turning into the third wheel. The side character in everyone's story, that girl in the corner who everyone enjoys to look at but not ready to stick around long enough to know much about her."

I moved slowly from the door, sat myself next to her and just listened to her letting it all out. It helps her. I know this because it helped me to have people around. Even though I pushed them away.

The difference with April is that she clings to the only person she can find. She doesn't want to go under. She just can't help it. So she holds on as tightly as possible.

"My only real friend is a man who is too obsessed with another woman to even notice I still exist." A tiny tear flowed down her pale cheek.

"Am I that forgettable?" She asked herself. "I just want to be important to somebody. I want to have nice things with that person, memories, beautiful walks under the city lights, special places to call our own, a meaningful history, our favorite song on the radio." Her breath hitched and she held it in for five seconds to long that actual tears fell through. "Is it asking for too much? I want to be happy James, and I try to be my own happiness so many times but I'm just so fucking lonely. I tell myself that my joy should come from within me, that I should be satisfied with what I have and that I should be grateful, but I can't shake that feeling of emptiness. I have no substance in my life and I feel like I don't deserve it because I don't celebrate living as much as I should."

She used the sleeves of her sweatshirt to wipe her cheeks and then she exhaled. "I try not be jealous. I really try so fucking much. But why don't I get to experience those things too? I go around looking for the things I want but they won't even see me. It's like they're seeing past me and I'm not even there. I can't help but become desperate and I just wonder, what have I become? Who is this girl? Since when have I turned into this version of myself that I don't even like?"

A dead silence coaxed the walls as we sat there. The only sounds were of her little sobs and controlled breathing. I watched her cry and lent her my shoulder. Her words were a heavy load to swallow, for anyone who ever heard them.

I digested and read between the lines. How far are we willing to go to have what we believe belongs to us? I can barely recognize myself either. But can you really have it all? I was once important to someone, but she can't love me anymore. And now it feels like I'm facing a greater lose. They say its better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all, but why does it hurt even more than it should. What's messed up is that if I had a chance, I'd do all again. I'd probably allow myself to actually fall so deeply in love that I could suffocate.

It's crazy to think that even in this state of confusion and hurt, I'm even more ready and willing to love that I ever was.....

"I'm sorry," I heard her say silently.

"Why?" I looked down at her on my shoulder as she stared above her wet lashes. Her eyes where glistering with shallow tears as she didn't take them away from mine. "For forcing my way into your life..."

"April....."

"No," she cut me off by placing her smooth fingers on my parted lips. "Don't try to validate me nor my actions. I know what I did to get here, and It wasn't fair for me to attach myself to you and cause you all this trouble."

"I owed you."

"Not this much." She articulated.

April stared at herself on the mirror again and seemed disgusted by her attire and that didn't sit well with me. "I'm a walking burden and even look as such."

"You aren't a burden to me." It was an honest response. She was in a bad place and I wasn't letting her fall into an even darker zone. I wanted to be there for her. She isn't a burden to me.

"Don't lie to make me feel better." She whispered under her breath.

"I'm not lying."

She shifted her eyes to mine again. Her gaze lingered on me for seconds. "You deserve better." She said to me.

I tried to believe her. But the words just bounced back and rejected me. If I deserve anything, it's not anything better.

"So do you."

April offered a genuine smile and then played with the hem of her shirt. I reached out my hand and gently wiped her cheeks, she leaned into my palm softly. "I'm trying to hide my fluster." She covered her face cheekly. "Your touch gets my hopes up."

And then she buried her face on my shoulder. "I think I'm in love with you." She said with such a low voice that if I wasn't paying attention, it would've skipped my ears. "Tell me what to do James? How do I make it stop?"

There wasn't anything I could've said. How did we even end up in this situation? I don't want to break another woman's heart. God only knows how I loath myself for ever causing Elisabeth pain.

"I can't love you."

April buried her face deeper into me upon my words. Her petit frame clustering onto mine like another complete half, only that she wasn't the piece that completed me, she just fit so perfectly into a place that I wanted to belong to somebody else . "In another life, could you love me?"

"I don't know."

Her hand clutched my shirt gently, and then she leaned her weight on me. "Can we always be this close? Why does this feel so right and perfect to me but it doesn't make you feel anything? Are we really that impossible? Isn't there a slight chance you can love me? Even just a little bit."

It's not that I don't feel nothing right now. I just can't bring myself to take advantage of her. Especially right now when she's completely vulnerable. I don't feel for her what she feels for me and I'm not sure I ever will, but there's very little strength in me left to resist her. Not when her magnetic field is being a little too strong. Not when she is holding onto me so tightly that I can feel every inch of her. And not when I'm also slightly vulnerable. We share a common weakness, perhaps even a common pain of rejection. And may be that's the reason I feel for her aching. But if I give in to this pull, we'll both be falling under.

There's a thin line between pleasure and pain. And an even thinner line between love and hate. We are too damaged to be together. We'll tear everything down.

"I don't wish to use you."

"I just want you to hold me James." She said. " Please hold me."

I wrapped my arms around her waist and drew her closer to me. She exhaled in relief, clinging to me as she inhaled my scent. Her tender fingers mapping my chest. And I wouldn't deny that those gentle touches made my body feel things.

Her naked thighs rested on mine as she was attached to my side. She closed her eyes. "We could've have been so good together. We could've had it all."

"Perhaps."

"Let it happen." She cooed.

"I can't."

Not when every part of me wants another woman. Not when she's all I think about. Not when I see her when I fall asleep. Not when I'm sure I'll end up hurting someone else to heal myself. I'm not getting over Elisabeth. She stole me away from the world and I'm not getting myself back.

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