confused — what do embraces truly mean? unsure

not that I think love could, or should be straight, clear, pure

just wish I understood some small but salient things

(as long as hope to me still stupid clings)

like . . . when I lived with love my clothes hung kind of loose

he liked that, found easy access mode of handy use

and i was ultra-fine with that! liked it as well

absence of tight clothing marks on skin, c'était plus belle!

no panty lines on view, no need to check . . . none of that

no worries when you stood up, no matter where you sat

etc., etc. — but noticing of late, guess it's kind of sick, lame, sad

now that I need to buy my clothes alone, loose just feels bad

and tight feels good . . . no conscious choice at all, discovery —

would try things on, found I loved snug! strange recovery

of something that I hadn't known I missed, 'til walking

out in new jeans, new short coat, both tight, heard myself talking

inside my head, yesyes! it's holding me, this feels so good

who knew that in this sad new life I ever would?

but must admit hard hug of short black coat, grey jeans

now feels like. . . love? (whatever one may think the love word means)

noun:

1. confusion; muddle.

"the vast hugger-mugger of alleys"

2. secrecy.

"he declared war on hugger-mugger and conspiracy, clandestine deals sealed in back rooms"

Origin

early 16th century (in hugger-mugger (sense 2 of the noun)): probably related to huddle and to dialect mucker 'hoard money, conceal'. One of a number of similar formations from late Middle English to the 16th century, including hucker-mucker and hudder-mudder, with the basic sense 'secrecy, concealment