I have a distinct feeling of someone holding me, trying to comfort me as i try to wake up. I fling open my eyes hoping to see my mom and that these past few months have just been a really long dream. Perhaps my mom has cut down work and is able to spend more time with me. I really want her with me right now.

But i now see that I'm alone. Like always. She's not here. No one is. Why is it that the things i really want, i can never seem to get? Why can't i just wake up from this nightmare. The pain from my anger overtakes me. I don't do this often but i really feel the urge to.

I stand up and go all around my room smashing anything in sight whilst crying my eyes out in anger and pain. I cry for all the unfairness in my life and how i always seemed to be used. This is one of my best coping mechanisms but I don't do it often because it destroys everything. Yeah sure, i do go to rage rooms but it's a bit of a trek even by using the rooftops as the Menace. I usually just smash some deserted trash cans in alleyways. I've destroyed things like this (my own things) only 3 times in my life including this one. It's not even that bad in my opinion. I usually exert my energy and crash out not thinking of the consequences. I know when i wake up ill either be numb or angry at everything, even people chewing quietly. I'll stay in my room for the time being. Sadly, i still seem to care for people when they don't care for me.

As i fall asleep whilst crying for the second time today all that's running through my mind is how no one truly cares for me. My whole families dead and I have no friends. It's not that i don't mind the peace, because i do. I like spending time alone but not allot he time. It's just the fact that i know there's no one waiting for me, that's what gets me. I want to forgive Peter but i just don't think i can. Not yet anyway.

I really want my mom to tell me that everything is fine. Ill get into the school i want and my perfect career. But i don't think it will be. I've been made into a killing machine which somehow managed to catch feelings for someone there. Sure they were bad guys, but it was kill or be killed and although life wasn't great i's like to think i still had meaning. Plus there was so much i wanted to do. Also the bad place isn't full of bad people. There;'s some nice hotties in the mix, if you know what i mean.

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I was walking towards Emma's room. It seemed no one else payed attention as to how much that talk pained Emma. Yeah sure, they were worried but I could see the hidden pain. I needed to make sure she was doing ok. I don't want her feeling how i felt this morning. I'm feeling a bit better than this morning, but it's not a feeling that comes and goes lightly. Also i can't get her remembering my favourite breakfast out of my head. She's honestly an angel, it's sos sad she doesn't see it that way and I know that it's partly my fault.

I was carrying her childhood teddy in my hands. When we were around 10 she came over. I wasn't feeling great as things were happening between May and Tony. In order to comfort me she hugged me and gave me her bear, which she mentioned on very many occasions were special to her as it was given to her by her Dad. I didn't want to take it, but she said that i needed it's happy powers more than me. I tried to return it many years later, but she still refused. I was hoping to give back some of that love today. I won't mention to her that i have slept with it every night though. I have standards.

I knock on her door loud enough but I receive no answer. I try again and receive the same response. I inch the door ope a smidge to see if the bathroom door is closed and she's busy, but it;s wide open with the door closed. So i open the door fully and find her sprawled out in bed. I was so focused on how uncomfortable she looked that i didn't notice the mess of the room.

I managed to find a blanket by her bed and draped it over her, whilst putting her teddy under her arm. She didn't have a name for it, and it felt wrong for me to give it one. She looked tired and as if she had been crying. I wanted to take a task off of her hands by cleaning her room. It's not really a chore for me as i like to have things in order and it calms my mind.

I want Emma to have a good stay here. I know he's been through some shit in these past couple of months and i want to offer support. I want to be friends again and I'm hoping we could be something more. I've like her since forever. It might sound cringey but i used to draw pictures of us with each other in the future when i was little. We've always been close. Of course it's just a dream, i mean she might not even like me like that. She might even be with someone. I'm just hoping if we can mend our relationship it could possibly become something else.

It didnt take long for me to clean her room. I sat down and contemplated how i was going to get close to her. The team decided after she left that we'd watch a film tonight as out team bonding exercise.

I was gonna make a snack bowl for me and her to snack on as we have similar taste. I also wanted to sit by her.

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Somehow, these idiots have sent me on another mission. I mean i was kinda scared they'd keep me locked up for the mistakes made on my last one, but they're not. Apparently i need to prove myself again. This time ill be going into it with some fresh scars though. I've come to realise that life is too short to waste. I don't care about my contract any more. The suffering and worrying of death is not worth it. I'd rather spend the time i have pain free chasing the things i want. I don't have many family which is still alive, which i think held me back. I have my little brother, but I haven't seen him in years. No matter how much i can hack, I've never been able to find any traces of him. It makes me feel like shit knowing he could be in the same position as me.

I don't think he is as we weren't together when i was taken, but we were orphans. We lived with my grandmother. She was so sweet and I hope she continues to be for his sake. I hope he got the childhood i never did.

I was taken and forced to help Hydra. People are quick to judge on how badly your actions are when they have never experienced it firsthand. They misunderstand us. They think we're evil from birth but it's not true. Monsters are created not born, and i can tell you now I've seen some monsters come from kids.

It was kill or be killed. I don't want to do anything but I also didnt want to die. I had hope i could pay off my debt someday. It didn't mean i supported their actions. It was so scary for younger me and has made me grow up way too quickly. This is something i think any kid agent or vigilante suffers from. I mean, i love the little guys that help out. There's some on both sides. Good and Evil. I love The Menace the most though. They rattled Hydra and the Red room's bones for some reason. I don't know if they ever found their identity but probably. They find out anything eventually. I mean sure I'm part of the bad guys, but i liked seeing them just doing their thing. It was like Spider man before he joined Avengers, plus it so nice when they help old people and stuff. I have a soft spot in my heart for old, young and animals. I couldn't show that in my emotions though. It made me want to rebel and go help people but my fear took over.

Sure, i act like I'm very loyal and cold but if you get to know me I'm not like that at all. I don't think so anyway. Hydra may have warped me too much. I don't think people will ever forgive me for my kills. I still suffer daily from the memories and i hate myself for what I've done but I can't change it sadly.

The only reason i kept fighting was for my brother. I never mentioned it to anyone in case they were too loyal and snitched and put him in danger.

I'd give my life for him.

He was only 3 when i was taken at 10 years old. I don't even know if he would recognise me after 6 years. Would he even want a brother who is a killer for one of the worst organisations in the world. Plus, if I do I'd find him how would i support and raise him. All I've ever trained in is killing and hacking. I don't want that life any more. It's why I'm leaving, but i also want to be able to support the people around me. I'd rather it be in a good and legal way.

Baskin Robbins is still out of the question for jobs. Even the name scares me.

I'll never give up but I've found someone else also worth my time. I don't mean that in a bad way! I want to spend my time with her.

I'm not going to be possessive of her or anything, but I want to find her, make sure she's safe and see if we can spend time together. I'm even willing to make up something so we can hang together in the avengers tower under protection. I'd have to do something big to get their attention though, i doubt they'd let me through their front doors. I'd love to date her but i need to get to know her first.

I think this is the scariest ting I'll have to do. I don't do well with embarrassment and so if I've judged the situation completely wrong I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I mean what if she is already seeing someone?

I think I have the perfect plan though....

I'm coming Emma.

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I don't know why I'm so awkward! Instead of continuing to comfort Emma, here i am sulking. I can't seem to forgive myself. The emotions she was displaying made me think back to how she was kidnapped and how it was my fault. I also take blame for her mother's death. I can't seem to do anything right.

I might sound weird but i see Emma as a daughter already. We've barely spent any time together, but I feel as if i need to take care of her. She has no one and i know how that can feel. I hope to re join Emma and Peter and keep her away from any dangers, including people from these dangerous places.

I made a promise to never leave her and to protect her and i aim to fulfilled that. I don't think i can fail much else. I'm hoping we can help each other with our company. I'm hoping to talk to her tonight during the film. I can't talk to her about her mum yet seeing how upset she was. I don't realise what I'm doing wring until a reaction happens and I hate it.

I need to wait to tell her. We need to be closer so she's believes me. I'd hate for her to find out in a bad way. I want her to be able to trust me. I want a relationship with her. I owe that to her mom at least.

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I was just chilling, when i realise my phone has multiple notifications. I was too engrossed in my work and music to see them as usual. I thought nothing of them until i see that one of my personal routers was used to access information. I'm not worried as it's happened a few times and I get to access whatever they look at due to a program i built. Plus they can't gain anything from it about me anyway.

I have 3 different ones as I'm so rich. None in my name though as that would cause suspicion.

I always look at what people use, and it's usually just people doing some sketchy stuff which the police deal with when i send some evidence. Not many people have though as it is secured and needs hacking to access like any private router. Mine doesn't have anything special to not raise suspicion. I think about 4 people have used it. I mean anyone with basic hacking skills can get in. Plus if it's easy to hack, it's easier to catch some crooks. It doesn't show the peoples names but it's easy for me to track them if needed

I was calm until i saw what was accessed.

Oh shit.

Emma.

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