The destination was Sandy Neck Beach, which had a good sampling of sand dunes and tidepools. Mitch visited a handful of times in the past, when Basil’s grandparents lived nearby and they needed a house sitter for a week or two. But the house was sold off after Basil’s grandfather passed, and Mitch hadn’t been back to the area since.

On one hand, these spots went mostly undisturbed due to the late season and lack of human activity; on the other, it was so chilly that there were not many signs of life in general. Avi parked, then they both eyeballed the dashboard’s thermometer and exchanged wary glances.

“Well. Shall we?” Avi asked, and opened his door before Mitch could answer. A powerful gust assailed him, and he yelped. Mitch laughed while he gathered the blanket up into his arms, and followed suit. They marched past the long grass that swayed in the wind, and the further they trekked across the sand, the more intense that spray from the ocean hurled in their direction. Up above, the sky lightened with each passing second; orange clashed against slate gray, swallowing the lighter shade whole.

Several meters away from the water’s edge, Avi sat down on the beach and joked about having front row seats to “the show”. Mitch stayed silent, quaking as he stood mesmerized by the huge waves that crashed onto the shore. He was so frightened that he would have bolted if his entire body didn’t go into lockdown mode.

“Mitch?” Avi called out, so close and yet he may as well have been across the country and on the other coast. Mitch barely registered that Avi had gotten up and stood in front of him, until a hand grazed the side of his face. At first he flinched when the scratchy fabric of cheap Dollar Tree gloves dug into his skin where he’d been slapped the day before, but then he caught the way that Avi went wide eyed and faltered. Time froze, and Mitch recognized the same exact thing in Avi that everyone else showcased in this position: the internal conflict, the realization of being ill-prepared to deal with…this. Mitch at his worst, raw and unpredictable and not all there.

When Avi’s hand retracted, it broke Mitch. He was no better than a wounded animal, startled and fighting and thrashing, rejecting assistance. Risking death as a self-preservation tactic.

His hearing blew out, then returned in a rush as Avi repeated, “Hey, are you with me? Are you OK? Mitch?”

“Ma mère -” Mitch shouted above the thundering waves, then shook his head. Fucking French and fucking trauma, of course his native tongue returned to him with the greatest of ease when he reverted to this primal state. Still, his mouth ran of its own accord, this time in English. “I drowned, and my Mom wasn’t there for me. I almost died.” He covered his mouth before a scream could tear itself from his throat, but he couldn’t remain like that, not when his lungs burned for air. “I couldn’t breathe, and she wasn’t there. She left me behind, and-“

“OK,” Avi whispered, tugging Mitch so that they were both seated and facing away from the water. Mitch wasn’t coherent enough to recognize the motions, but he went from being cold to warm, and felt the weight of Avi’s arm across his shoulders and the blanket enveloping the both of them.

One by one, the words continued to spill until he was a babbling mess, a fresh stab wound that nicked an artery and bled uncontrollably. While Avi rubbed circles on the center of his back, Mitch opened up about Toby, what happened a few weeks beforehand and what triggered all of this. An anecdote became several, and memories buried by his subconscious long ago continued to emerge, until the sun finally ascended from the horizon and into the sky.

The fog that plagued Mitch’s sickly brain finally lifted, leaving him with clarity about the stark truth of the situation. “I ruined your sunrise.” He hugged his knees to hide his face. All that he was left with was stifling embarrassment for unleashing so much trauma on an unsuspecting bystander. Avi was his friend, not his therapist. “I ruin everything, don’t I?”

“No you don’t,” Avi quietly asserted, but said nothing more. They sat huddled like that for some time, no words exchanged, no other sounds than the ocean’s roar and the cries of distant gulls. Avi maintained a loose grasp on his shoulder, keeping Mitch in place for a short while.

Though the physical contact was everything that he wanted, Mitch couldn’t allow himself to indulge in it for any longer. If he stayed there, he risked getting delusional all over again and upending his progress. Avi wasn’t his to have, he knew this. He needed to stay the course, and eventually it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

Still, it seemed like some kind of cosmic joke that his sources of tenderness and affection were gifted from those that could never reciprocate his feelings. Not in the way that he needed. Maybe this was the price that he paid for turning away from the grace of God, or whatever it was that his mother accused him of doing.

So he pulled away from Avi and shrugged off the blanket. His legs wobbled when he stood up again, and he slowly dragged himself towards the water. “Mitch?” Avi called, and Mitch stopped.

“One day-” Mitch cupped his hands around his mouth to amplify his voice. “One day, someone is going to love me for me. With his whole fucking heart! And I’m not going to settle for someone that’s ashamed of me, or-or doesn’t value me.” He screamed directly into the wind, his throat sore as tears welled up in his eyes. He hadn’t come here with a plan -especially not this- but if something or someone in the universe was listening, he needed to make his case known. Jodie referred to it as ‘manifesting’; he didn’t know if he was doing it right, but he hoped that by confronting what terrified him, he’d be granted some favor for his troubles. “And I’ll value myself, too!” His shoulders slumped. It shouldn’t be such an impossible thing to achieve.

His breathing was so ragged that he barely heard Avi’s approach, and initially wondered if he imagined it. But then there was a tug on his sleeve, and Mitch was relieved to have the companionship, no matter the form.

“Wanna take a walk?” Avi gently suggested.

“Sure,” Mitch nodded as he wiped his eyes.