Chapter 45

Holding the gun in my hand does the opposite of what I thought it would. I thought it would make me feel the power I saw in Ace's eyes when he killed Gecko. The same power I once feared, I now envy. With the gun in my palm, all I feel is panic.

It's been two days now. Two days since Tory's funeral. Two days since Munch told me we can't be friends anymore. I'm still hurt by how easy it was for him to let me go, but there's nothing I can do about it. What's done is done. That chapter of my life closed when we put Tory in the ground. My only concern now is what lies ahead.

Despite all the other bullshit I went through with Curry, I never stopped fantasizing about what I'll do to Guiterrez if I get the chance. There's a bullet with that bitch's name on it. The best part is that she won't see it coming.

Just like Tory didn't see it coming.

Days after seeing his body stiff in a casket, it should be easy for me to imagine that the red Coke cans are Guiterrez' head. And while that fury and grief lives within me, so does the old Candyce.

I think back to what I told Reese when we first met:

All the times I seen a gun, it was either pointed at me or someone I love.

I can't seem to shake the memory of how helpless I felt when Angel put a gun to my head for the first time. As if that wasn't traumatic enough, Curry just refreshed my memory. So while I got a lot of reasons to pull a trigger, a small part of me just wants to drop the gun and hide behind Caesar.

I may be able to do that now that the threat is gone, but that wasn't an option when I needed him the most.

No one's gonna' save me but myself.

Keeping that in mind, I tighten my shaky fingers around the handle of the gun.

"How it feel?" Caesar asks.

I look up at him. The wind blows strands of curly hair into my face. I squint my eyes as I push my hair back with my free hand.

"Heavy," I say.

"Not too heavy, huh?" Caesar asks.

I don't know why he asked since he's already reaching out to take it from me.

I pull my hand back.

"It's good. I can handle it," I say.

"You sho? 'Cause that 9 ain't the only gun in the world. I brought smaller ones for you to test out too," Caesar says.

I glance at the gun in my hand.

"This the one Curry put to my head right?" I ask.

Caesar swallows. On the rare occasion that I do bring up the kidnapping, he gets visibly uncomfortable. I guess he don't like to think about it either.

"I think so," He says.

"Then this is the one I want."

He scraches his beard.

"I don't know, Red. I still think you need time to think about what you want," Caesar says.

"I know what I want," I say.

"You sho? 'Cause you made this decision in the spur of the moment. I don't think you gave yoself time to think about what it would be like if you really had to use this. Yo hand was shakin' and you only shooting Coke cans. How you think you gon' be if target practice became the real thing?" Caesar asks.

I step closer to him. In my tennis shoes my forehead reaches the middle of his chest. With this gun in my hand I feel ten inches taller.

"Put that Fed Bitch in front of me and find out," I say.

He nods.

"So that's what this is about. Teaching you ain't about protecting yoself, it's about gettin' revenge," He says.

I shrug, "So?"

"So, I don't want what happened to push you into doing something you ain't ready for just 'cause you feel like you ain't do enough back then."

I roll my eyes.

"I know you hurting Candyce, but revenge is a poison. You gon' lose a lot more trying to get back at Guiterrez for what she took from you. Don't let that shit kill you," He says.

"I hear you, Caese. But you know what kills faster than revenge? Guilt. I wanna' live now. I'll worry about that other shit later," I say.

I walk around him. I position myself directly across from the cans a yard away. After awhile of waiting for Caesar, I turn around to see what's taking him so long.

When I turn around, he's just standing there watching me.

"What?" I ask.

"I'm worried about you," He says.

"Don't be. The worst has already happened."

"The worst would be losing you, Candyce. Foreal this time," He says.

The tough exterior around my heart softens. I forget how scary it must have been for him when I was kidnapped.

I hold my hand out for him to take.

"So help me make sure that never happens," I say.

He sighs deeply before he gives in. He pulls his hand free from his pocket and grabs mine. I pull him towards me until he's standing by my side.

I start to aim, but I don't get very far before Caesar takes the gun out of my hand.

"Yo' trigger happy ass wanna' learn how to hold the gun first?" He asks.

I smack my teeth.

"What's wrong with how I was holding it?"

"First of all, this ain't a movie. You holdin' it with one hand like the blowback won't pop yo wrist. Hold it with both hands for now."

I roll my eyes as he hands it back to me. Soon as I reach for it, he holds it up higher.

I give him a deadpan look.

"We're not about to do this," I say.

He chuckles.

"Calm down, girl. I'ma give it back. Let me show you how to use it first," He says.

I take a deep breath and relax. I watch him hold the gun. He handles it with ease unlike me. My hand has been shaking since he put the gun in it.

"First things first, you need to learn yo way around a gun. I don't want you fuckin' round and shooting yoself," He says.

"Okay, not too much. You talkin' like I'm as green as this grass we standin' on," I say.

"My bad. You know something I don't?" He asks.

"I know some things," I say.

Caesar smirks.

"Show me what you know," He says.

I point to the length of the gun.

"I know that's the barrel."

I point to the trigger.

"That's the trigger."

I go on to show him the clip and the handle. Once I've proven my point, I hold my hand out. I flex my fingers back and forth.

"Now give it here," I say.

"You missing one," He says.

"Well, duh, the bullets but I thought that was obvious. Now can you stop stalling and show me how to use the shit?" I ask.

"You ain't shooting shit with the safety on," Caesar says.

"Oh," I say dumbly, "show me how to turn it off."

He slides down a tiny lever on the side of the gun.

"While I'm at it, I'ma show you how to load a clip too."

I watch him show off as he undoes the clip and holds it in his hand. He drops some bullets into his palm and loads them back inside, then asks me to do it like it's fuckin' rocket science or something. Once I prove to him that I'm not some brainless bitch tryna run before I crawl, he teaches me about the chamber and how it's always good to have a bullet in there.

"As long as you stay ready, you won't have to get ready. Hear what I'm saying, Candyce 'cause when some shit go down, and it's you against a nigga who got nothing to lose or everything to lose, every second you have on yo side is another second you get to live. Keep that in mind and you shouldn't have nun' to worry about," He says.

He ain't gotta tell me twice. Forget keeping it cocked, I'll probably sleep with my hand on the trigger after everything I've been through.

"Okay, what if I do all that and my gun jams?" I ask.

"Then you better pray to God his shit jam too or that's yo ass," He says.

I put my hands on my hips as I stare at him.

"That's it? There ain't nothing you could do? 'Cause I woulda thought oiling the gun would keep it from gettin' jammed," I say.

Caesar scratches his beard.

"To a certain extent, yeah. It helps but there's no guarantee. But as long as you show it some love, then it'll show you some back. That's with anything though. People, animals, just about everything acts better if you treat them right."

I restrain from rolling my eyes. I guess our lesson wouldn't be complete if there wasn't an uneccesarily deep quote in there somewhere.

"I'ma teach you how to clean it later though. I just wiped this one down this morning," Caesar says.

"So what's next?" I ask.

He hands the gun out to me.

"Now, you shoot."

...

After firing off yet another shot that whizzes by the Coke can, I throw my head back in defeat.

"I give up," I say.

"You can't give up. This was yo' idea," Caesar says.

I turn around to face him.

He's leaning against the hood of his car biting into a green apple. He looks too relaxed for my liking. I've been out here struggling to make a shot for the past hour and he's sitting over there without a care in the world.

"I know you ain't expect to hit sum'n on yo first try," He says.

"No, but I did expect you to help me. You had so much shit to say earlier, giving life lessons and shit nobody asked for. Now you silent when I really need you. You better be lucky my aim ain't worth shit 'cause I woulda shot that apple out yo' hand," I say.

"If it was up to me you would still be laid up letting yo shoulder heal like the doctor said, so I would lose the attitude if I was you," Caesar says.

I roll my eyes.

"I skipped breakfast to come out here and watch you waste bullets 'cause you said you needed this. I ain't break my sleep for nothing so turn around and get back to it," He says.

"What's the point if you not gon' help me?" I ask.

"I am helping you. I'm letting you get a feel for it. I want you to get used to the feel of the gun in yo' hand. I'm waiting til' you stop flinching at the sounds of the shots. Yo hand gotta stop shaking before you pull the trigger before I step in to help you," Caesar says.

I roll my eyes into the furthest part of my head. I take a deep breath as I turn back around.

I stare at the red soda can yards away from me. I focus in on it until it's the only thing that I see. Then I slowly raise my hand. I align the barrel of the gun with the can. Just like Caesar said, my hand starts to shake as I start to pull the trigger back. I wince as the bullet flies out, causing a loud POP! that makes me close my eyes.

When I open them again, the first soda can is down.

My eyes grow wide. I turn around with my mouth open.

"Oh my god, I hit it!" I yell.

Caesar looks unfazed as he takes another bite of his apple. My shoulders slump.

"Were you even looking?" I ask.

He doesn't respond, but he does lean off his car and starts walking towards me.

A smile creeps onto my face thinking he's about to congratulate me, but instead, he walks past me.

I watch him walk across the grass in the direction of the fallen can.

"What the fuck, Caesar?" I ask.

He continues to ignore me as he bends down to pick up the can I shot. I'm stale-facing him as he makes his way back over to me.

"What kinda teacher is you? I don't get a pat on the back or nothing, nigga?" I ask.

"Nice try," He says.

He tosses the can to me. I miss it, and it falls to the ground. It rolls back to me. The can makes a full turn before I realize there's no bullet hole in it.

I look up at Caesar. He stands in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

"The wind knocked it over," He says.

"Ughhh," I groan.

Caesar smiles. He steps foward and pulls me in for a hug.

"It's aight. It takes time. That's why we out here early. You got all day to hit them cans," He says.

I sigh.

"Yeah, but it shouldn't take me all day," I say.

"You plan on catching a body tonight?" He asks.

"I might if you don't start watching yo smart ass mouth," I say.

Caesar lets me go. There's a smirk on his face when we pull apart.

"See, that's the problem. You too busy acting like Bishop from Juice. You can't concentrate on what you hitting 'cause you too eager to pull the trigger," He says.

I step back and give him a once-over.

"You know, you talkin' a lot of shit. Let me see what you can do," I say.

"What?" He asks.

I hold the handle of my gun out for him to take.

"You heard me. You talkin' a good game but that's all it is: talk. I don't even know if yo' aim is any good for you to be teaching me," I say.

"It's a lil' late for that don't you think?" He asks.

"Better late than never," I say.

Caesar eyes me. I see the challenge in his eyes, so it's no suprise when he takes the gun from me.

I smile, and cross my arms. If nothing else, watching him will be a nice distraction from my failure.

Caesar turns sideways, but keeps the gun pointed upright. I watch his white T-shirt, waiting for his heart to start racing like mine does. But his breathing remains steady. Before I know it, three shots ring out.

I have to stop myself from wincing to be able to track the flow of his bullets. I don't know what I expected, but my mouth falls open as he hits all three cans with no problem. I watch each of them topple to the ground, meanwhile Caesar's back is already turned to them before the last can falls. He holds the gun back out to me.

A cocky grin steals his features.

"Arrogance doesn't look cute on you. Humble yourself," I say.

He laughs a hearty laugh that makes me smile too.

"So, show off. I hope you brought more cans with you," I say.

Caesar looks back out into the distance where the cans lay on the ground.

"Nah. I knew you wasn't gon' hit them bitches so that's all I brought," He says.

My mouth drops again. I punch him in the arm.

"That soft ass punch. Now I see why you need a gun," He says.

I give him a look. He starts laughing. He raises his hands in surrender, then lays one hand against his chest.

"My bad. Let me stop fucking with Miss Kandi Redd," He says.

I punch him again.

"Stop calling me that!" I say.

"What you talkin' 'bout? I been callin' you that," He says.

"That's not how you meant it and you know it," I say.

"Yeah you right. Let me leave you alone before you hurt your hand punching me," He says.

"Caesar!"

He laughs again as he walks back to his car. He pulls his front door open and leans inside. His trunk pops open. He closes the car door and makes his way around the back of it.

Before long he reappears with three more cans in his hand, and a black duffle bag on his shoulder.

"I thought you ain't bring no more," I say.

"Stop it. If nobody believe in you, I do. You should know that by now," Caesar says.

I smile to myself. He ain't lying 'cause Ace would have never brought me out here. Tory would have insisted I didn't need to learn how to shoot 'cause he'll always be there to protect me. I trust Munch's hustling skills to make me money, but I wouldn't necessarily ask a D-Boy to teach me my way around a gun. And Daz was just out of the question.

Thank God for Caesar.

I watch him with a newfound appreciation as he lines up the cans. When he's done, he walks back across the grass. He misses my look completely as he walks past me headed back in the direction of his car.

"It's all you," He says as he passes me.

"Caesar," I call.

He turns around.

"You remember what you told Ace the morning after y'all got shot? When we was in Keyana's living room?" I ask.

Caesar grabs the back of his neck. He looks stressed just at the mention of Keyana's name. He's probably racking his brain thinking of all the things he said about me then that's so far from where we stand now.

I decide to help him out a lil'.

"You said I couldn't just be some victim y'all gotta protect me from. That I'm in this shit too, and I need to start acting like it," I say.

Caesar drops his hand from his neck. His eyebrows pull together.

"What about it?" He asks.

"You was right. Although Ace would never admit it, I became a liability as soon as Angel targeted us. It's really a miracle that the game only just now caught up with me."

"Well if it makes you feel better, I ain't wanna' be right. I just thought it was better to be safe than sorry," Caesar says.

"I know what you meant even if Ace didn't. I couldn't really speak up for myself when he was here 'cause he thought he knew what was best for me and if I'm being honest, I did too. I thought my life was safer in his hands. That was my first fuck-up," I say.

"You live and you learn. That's why we here now," Caesar says.

"I'm tired of making mistakes though. I'm done being a victim," I say.

Caesar stares at me.

"You got everything you need to make sure that you don't have to be," He says.

I look down at the gun in my hand.

"Keep shooting til' you can show these niggas you ain't to be played with," Caesar says.

His words ignite fire in my veins. I turn around, facing the row of cans again. Only this time, I don't see soda cans.

I see Angel pulling a gun out of his pants and aiming it at my head.

I see Curry and Neco laughing at me while I wield a piece of broken glass to defend myself.

I see Guiterrez shooting into the air as I ran away 'cause she didn't think I was a big enough threat to gun me down like she did Tory. That one mistake is gonna' be her downfall, and most likely mine too.

My breath steadies as I imagine one of the cans with her face on it.

This time my eyes stay open as I pull the trigger.

No can topples to the ground, but I couldn't care less. All I'm concerned with is that I remained calm, my breathing stayed steady, and most importantly, my hand didn't shake.

I don't care if my aim never gets better.

I plan on killing Guiterrez close range anyway.

My phone vibrates in my pocket as I'm waiting on Candyce to make her first shot.

I pull out my iPhone, but the screen ain't lighting up. I click the power button thinkin' maybe it was a text, but I don't have to check my notifications to know that I'm wrong. More vibrations come from inside my pocket.

I left my trap phone in the arm rest of my car since nothing hittin' on the business side of things right now. We're still on break for the holidays so nun' of them niggas should have a reason to call me. The only niggas that's still being put to work right now is the coke runners. Their job is so routine though that they shouldn't have a reason to call me either.