It was mid-February, and the festival season was at its peak. Tradition dictates that since festivals come once a year, they must be celebrated with enough vigour to last an entire year. This was nothing new for Monica. However, when the week of festivals did arrive, she found herself to be one of the very few people working at the office that week. She remembered the conversation she had with the girls at the end of January.

“Wait, both of you are going to be going home?” she exclaimed. It was no doubt a bit of a shock to know that she would be alone at home for an entire week.

“It really shouldn’t come as a surprise. Festival season is big no matter which part of the country you are from. We planned this well ahead.” Geetha explained.

Monica wasn’t sure how to react to this. She fell quiet, pursing her lips.

“What is more surprising is that you aren’t going home,” Geetha said.

Monica quietly rolled her eyes in response.

“Really? Even now?” Geetha asked. She seemed irritated by Monica’s silence.

“What’s going on?” Aarathi asked as she jogged into the room.

“Nothing much. Mon isn’t going back home for the festival, and I was asking why,” Geetha replied.

“She wants it to be a secret, let it go,” Aarathi replied.

Geetha threw her hands up and fell quiet.

“Though, it does mean you will be alone for some time,” Aarathi said turning to Monica.

“Is everyone going to be on a holiday?” Monica asked.

“Kind of. We will be off for a week and some more. Pritham will come till Wednesday. Rahul will be on leave for the entire week. Dinesh would probably be out for just two days. He stays in this city anyways.”

The itch to ask why constantly nagged the two girls, but they held their tongues. Both of them saw a shade of sadness in Monica’s eyes but were too afraid to ask. In the end, Geetha just twisted her lips but didn’t say anything.

***

Halfway into the week and boredom had already set in. This was quite a shock at first. As an introvert, Monica was used to a life of a hermit. Though she did have a friend, she wasn’t always around her and so living alone was pretty much a part of daily life. But things changed when she joined her new job. She found new companions, who were not just extroverts but ones willing to adopt an introvert. When she entered her new life, she had decided to give everything in her new life a try, this also included companionship. The girls and to an extent even the boys, did everything in their power to break through the invisible wall that Monica had built around herself. They were partly able to achieve this because Monica allowed them to, so as to try something new in life.

Almost a year later, she has found herself now grown attached to the new life and its people, so much so, their absence is making her question if she really is an introvert anymore. Most of her life revolved around her hobbies, something she had been distancing herself from as she found little time for them. But now, the sudden influx of free time had messed with her internal system. She now neither had the energy to engage in her old hobbies nor the people to take its place.

Daytime began as usual. Nothing really changed as her routine never really involved anyone else. The only difference now is that she didn’t have to wait for her turn to use the bathroom and was making enough coffee for one person. But on reaching office, things nosedived into blandness. With half the people on leave, the entire office looked bleak and lifeless. At first, she enjoyed the emptiness, but she soon began to miss the noise of normal office space. Work went on as usual, but Monica quickly grew tired it too. Her enthusiasm seemed to have slowly dried up. This, however, wasn’t a new development. For quite some time, Monica found herself growing tired of her daily life.

Days before everyone left, she found herself in a conversation with Geetha. She had expressed her concern of lacking enthusiasm and struggling to keep up with daily life to Geetha, who patiently listened to her concerns.

“It is alright. It has only been a year,” Geetha said replying to Monica’s concerns. “You should really be asking, what next.”

“What next?” Monica said. It seemed like the question had stumped her. She leaned back, resting on her stretched out arms, lost in thought.

The day had come to a close and the girls decided to return while there was still light outside. Geetha and Monica found themselves chilling on the beds in the hall as they enjoyed their evening coffee while Aarathi decided to stay back to wrap up her work before the holidays.

“See… that is the thing. We never plan or think about what to do next and instead, simply worry about the present,” Geetha added.

“So, what is next for you?” Monica asked.

She took a sip of her coffee and continued, “Work for another year. Complete three years and look for a job elsewhere.”

“You seem pretty set on the idea.”

“It is what everyone does. Ask Rahul or Pritham, both of them are going to give you the same answer. We jump jobs until we get a paycheck we are satisfied with.”

“And then what? Work till you retire?”

“Seems like you got some more ambitions in you,” Geetha replied as threw a suspicious glance at her roommate.

Monica’s lips twisted. “Don’t even know if I can call it ambition. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my days slogging through data.” She let out a dull sigh as she leaned forward.

“While you move up the ladder, you will be managing people who slog the data. Not sure if that helps in any way.”

“Sorry, but no. I just don’t like this routine as much as thought I did back when I first started… you know. Wake up, go to work, do your job, return home, and sleep.”

“That kind of sums up everyone’s life…”

“I guess. But don’t you want to do more? What did you dream of when you were a kid?”

Geetha fell into deep thought. After a few seconds, she finally said, “Ugh, so many! Many of them were so silly.”

“Like becoming an actress?” Monica asked. She held back from grinning with all her might.

Geetha’s cheeks grew red as her lips twisted into a deep frown.

“Don’t worry. I too had the same dream!” Monica said as she poked Geetha in her side. The two girls burst into laughter. They knew every girl in her childhood wanted to be an actress just as every boy dreamt of being called a hero.

“All that fun and games are fine. But when you grow up, you realize you want to just live in peace,” Geetha said.

Monica couldn’t disagree more. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun at our job…”

“It is hard to do what you love and live in peace. We have to sacrifice something.”

“I don’t like how that sounds.” Monica commented.

“Well, good luck finding the solution and if you do, do share it with me.”

Monica quietly rolled her eyes before changing the subject. The conversation hadn’t quite satisfied her itch. It seemed like everyone was set on reaching a point in life where their life turned into a series of routines. This was something Monica wanted when she first arrived at the city. She looked to lead a normal life, away from the chaos of her old days. But, a year later, she quickly grew bored of it. Life wasn’t exciting anymore and now she had no idea how to deal with it.

***

Thursday began like any other day of the week. Wake up to the sunrise, do the morning routine, prepare coffee, have breakfast, reach the office, and check the mailbox. However, today everything felt a lot more bleak, uninteresting, and outright boring. The mailbox was filled with the run of mill junk except for a few that would outline the work for the day. She sighed a little looking at them. Pritham, who had accompanied her till now had also left for home, leaving her feeling a little depressed. ‘Maybe I should take a leave,’ she thought. But her room was equally if not more depressing than her office. She let out a dull sigh before resting her forehead on the table, with her right arm wrapped around her head.

Monica did not remember when she fell asleep. But when rudely woken up, she found herself staring at her manager who was leaning over the cubicle divider. A sudden shot of adrenaline jolted Monica awake. Her heart sunk and turned cold while her skin burnt hot.

Dinesh on the other hand couldn’t help but smile at the little girl who was rudely awakened by her boss. “Boring day, huh?” He was a tall man, towering over six feet two inches. He had a sturdy build and tanned brown skin much like Monica herself. With a neatly combed hair and trimmed beard accompanying an ironed formal wear, he appeared sharp as a tact. However, he was as much of an introvert as Monica was. Perhaps that was the reason why he got along so well with her, and Monica too found herself relating to him a lot.

Monica wiped the drool off her chin before apologizing, “I am sorry, Dinesh…”

“Don’t be,” he interrupted her. “I saw three others doing the same.”

Monica sighed. She looked at her phone and saw that she had slept for nearly two hours. “Oh god!” she exclaimed.

“You must be pretty tired from all the travelling yesterday,” he said. “What happened?”

It was a pretty eventful day, but it wasn’t something she would be willing to share. “Oh yeah,” she began to narrate the story she fabricated last night, “a close friend of mine was having trouble and needed my help. So, I had to hurry.”

“What happened?” he asked naively.

“She was robbed. She lives at Gandhar at the moment and was out for the day. Someone swiped her purse and with it all her money, cards, and unfortunately her phone as well.”

Dinesh felt a sharp pain on hearing that. He didn’t have to experience it to understand how bad the situation was.

“Luckily for her, she had my number memorised and was able to call me. I had to rush over and help her deal with the situation,” Monica continued.

“Damn that is unlucky!” Dinesh commented, “Is everything fine now?”

“Apart from the lost five thousand in cash and twenty thousand Rupai phone, she is doing okay.”

Dinesh nodded silently. “Listen, you have any plans, tonight?” he asked.

“Not really.”

“Well. My wife and I would like to invite you over for dinner then.”

Monica hated gatherings and invites. They used to be awkward as she never really fit in. Even then, she never said no, simply because she thought it was rude. “Sure. I can come by.”

“Fantastic!” Dinesh replied excitedly. “We head straight from the office?”

“I need to head home and freshen up first.”

“Of course. Alright. You can come by seven.”

“I will,” Monica replied.

When Dinesh left, she found herself left to her thoughts again. She reflected on the events of yesterday and the night before that. Had things gone slightly differently, she wondered if it would have been for the better. A psychopath would be dead, and a child would still have his mother. But the past cannot be changed and as time flows, she found herself carrying a newborn into the city, not knowing what to do with it. She managed to make it back to the city with the help of a cloth sling wrapped around her shoulder. Throughout the journey, she was terrified of where the baby would pop out of the sling and fall. Travelling at snail pace, she finally made it back into the safety of the city before ten.

Now, only one question remained. What was she going to do with the baby? There was no way she could raise one herself. She neither had the experience nor the instinct to take care of one. The only other option was to find someone who could take care of him. She thought for long if anyone close to the baby’s mother could take of him. She peered through the memories of the mother but found little to no help. Several other trains of thought halted the idea of giving the baby to a relative, for the mother never tried to reach anyone when she was in trouble and adding to that, there was no way she could explain who the child was and how she got hold of it.

This left her with only one option, to entrust the baby to someone she knows. This proved to be far easier than she expected. A proxy friend with whom she had enough history to entrust the baby. The only problem was that she had to travel four hundred kilometres, back to her hometown of Kollam. A mildly irritating task, but an important task, nonetheless. When she returned home at night, she was glad for once there was no one to ask her questions.

***

It was dusk soon and Monica found herself travelling back into the city. She felt a bit uncomfortable with the idea of having dinner with her boss, especially without her teammates. But accepted it simply out of gratitude and Dinesh seemed to be a genuinely nice person. Nevertheless, she dressed the best she could for the occasion. She wore a red chudidhar (tunic) that had gold embroidery lining the edges of the bottom and neck. She paired it up with a pair of tan leggings and black slippers. Aarathi had left behind a range of beauty products but didn’t leave behind the instructions of how to use most of them. She instead stuck to the basics, a little talcum powder to brighten up her face with eyeliner and lipstick to stand out.

The taxi slowed down and turned into the residential area which was nestled in a dense commercial area. The moment they enter the area, the busy life of the city outside vanished and things quieted down real fast. It slowly navigated through the labyrinth of the buildings before coming to a stop right in front of a small house in a lane of similar houses.

She paid the driver and sent him on his way before walking up to the front door. She took a deep breath as she stood in front of the door before reaching for the doorbell. Even before she could press the bell, the door clicked open and a young woman stood behind it, greeting her with a big smile. Monica’s heart jumped a little, she froze on spot and looked at the stranger with wide eyes and a frozen expression.

“Come on in, we have been waiting for you,” the woman said with a big smile. She was slightly taller than Monica but much leaner. She wore a golden saree and light jewellery to accompany them. ‘This must be Gauthami’, Monica thought.

Monica calmed her nerves and her body relaxed. Gauthami’s expression softened seeing the nervous girl at the door. “Come on now. Don’t be shy.”

Monica walked into a small lobby area that had a sofa set resting on her left. Walking past, they entered the dining area where she saw a little boy running circles around the dining table. He immediately came to a stop before Monica and looked up at her.

“Aryan, this Monica,” Gauthami introduced.

“Hello Aryan!” Monica greeted the child with a big smile.

The kid quietly waved his hand before running off into the kitchen. “Don’t mind him. He is a bit shy,” she said.

“No. No. I am totally like him,” Monica replied.

The table was already set when Dinesh walked out of the kitchen holding two more dishes in his hands. “Welcome to our home,” he greeted her as he set the dishes on the table. Aryan hid behind his father’s legs, looking at the visitor with big eyes.

The night went by faster than Monica expected. Both Dinesh and Gauthami proved far more talkative and involving than she expected them to be. They bought in the family environment at the flick of a switch and were easily able to drag Monica into their conversation without making it awkward for her. By the end of the dinner, even Aryan warmed up to her and kept nudging her as he stole sweets from her plate.

The short visit was soon reaching its end when Monica politely asked to speak with Dinesh in private. Both stepped out of the house for some fresh air when Monica began, “I feel like I am stuck, Dinesh.”

The statement confused him more than anything else. He shot at her puzzled look and said, “that is not how you start a discussion. Something I believe you wanted to do for a while.” He walked back to the door where Monica stood and said, “Take a seat.”

Monica did as she was told and the two sat on the low steps leading to the door.

“Now, tell me. What is the problem?” Dinesh asked.

Monica took a moment to articulate her problem all the while fidgeting her hands nervously. “I feel stuck… like life is not moving forward. Every day I do the same thing and I was happy that I had found a routine. But it soon began to wear on me. Like, is that it? Should I be doing this for the rest of my life?”

“To answer that, first I want to know where you want to go? What is your end goal in life? Like for me… I just want a peaceful life. With my wife and son and maybe another member. I work in the morning, take weekends and holidays off. Spend time with family when I don’t work. A simple life. So, what do you want? You must have some idea,” Dinesh said.

Monica smiled. “I thought I wanted the same. A peaceful life. Just like the one I am living now.”

“You don’t anymore?”

“I guess it was what I wanted, not really what I needed.”

Dinesh fell quiet. He pressed his palm on his mouth while deep in thought. He nodded and asked, “okay. Let me ask you this? What did you want to do before you decided on a peaceful life? Pretty sure you would have dreamt of some lofty dreams.”

“I always said, life was a river, and I was just going with the flow. I always did what was expected of me. Never more.”

“So… what we now have is a girl in the most important years of her life, finally realizing she has no idea about her future? Have I got this right?”

Monica nodded in agreement, “I think that sums it up well.”

“Well. Then it is time for you to figure out what it is that interests you. Let me start asking you, why did you take up this job?”

Monica took a moment to answer, making sure she knew exactly how she felt about it. “I had no innate talents to boast about or to chase after nor did I particularly have any ambitious dreams. If I did, you can be sure I would be chasing after it. Data work is something I stumbled into. I was good at math, and I found it easy to slip into with my good memory. While crunching numbers every day is fulfilling my brain’s needs but it is also wearing on my interest and desire to keep working.”

“Well, now you have to figure out what will keep you interested and excited to work every day. Isn’t there something that interests you? You must have thought of something,” Dinesh said.

“I did a lot of thinking. But nothing from past interests me or is worth pursuing.” Monica replied.

“Well, it is never too late to start looking for something new. You have time. Explore what works for you.”

“I am also afraid that if I go for something I think I am interested in today, I might find it boring tomorrow,” Monica asked.

Dinesh let out a hearty laugh. “Life is a revolving door of opportunities. If you find it boring tomorrow, start looking for something new. You reach a point in life, where you wish to settle and by then, I am certain you will find your place.”

Monica nodded silently. Dinesh put his arm around her and shook her gently, “Don’t worry. Take your time to reflect on what we spoke about today. Explore the options you got and no matter what you choose, we will make sure to back you up. Sounds good?”

Monica nodded, “yeah. I think I will give it a try.”

“Fantastic. Now, why don’t we go back inside and call it a day? Gauthami is probably done putting Aryan to sleep,” Dinesh asked.

***

Monica flopped on the bed in her room, burying her face into the mattress. She hadn’t bothered to change her clothes, though the thought of wrinkling the new fabric was itching away at her brain. She let out a dull sigh before forcing herself back up and ready herself for sleep.

It was going to be midnight soon. Even though she was exhausted, and her eyelids felt heavy, sleep didn’t come easy. There were too many thoughts eating away at her brain. She lay on the bed staring into the ceiling fan above. The room was drenched in darkness, but her eyes had adapted to the darkness already. Sounds of the festival from outside had finally died out, leaving the whole place in peace and quiet.

She pulled out her phone, hoping for some positive news to put her in good mood but the first thing she saw was a headline saying, ‘As the festival season begins, crimes resurged yet again.’ Monica tossed her phone into the shadows with a loud grunt. The last thing she wanted to read was about how bad the world was outside. Then again, maybe that is really what she needed. She soon began to reminisce about the days she spent roaming the streets of her hometown dressed as a vigilante.

Her short stint as the infamous vigilante felt more like a dream than ever before. Clad in white armour, she ran around the streets of her town and several nearby towns, looking for people to help and bad people to beat. Her powers let her do many impossible feats, but nothing beat the rush of flying across rooftops at speeds that would make anyone dizzy. Every time she thought about it, she had a smile on her face. It soothed her heart no matter how it felt about it now. Before she knew it, she had slipped into a deep slumber.

***

Friday seemed to be a repeat of Thursday, only now even Dinesh had decided to spend time with family. Monica, quietly and melancholically, spent the day sifting through her work. However, at the back of her brain, inner thoughts kept pestering her all throughout the day. As the day came to a close, the voices got louder and louder to a point where they became too hard to ignore. They were always present, ever since she started living the new life, but they were drowned out by the noise of daily life. Now that the routine had gotten boring, the little thoughts managed to creep out of their graves.

Returning home before sunset, she fell flat onto the mattress in the room and stared at the ceiling all while trying to listen to the little thoughts patiently. Since yesterday, her desire to return to the old had become strong, the pull of which she could no longer control. It would be so easy to just put on the costume and run across the city rooftops; be the superhero she once was and do the thing she loved doing more than anything else, be a hero. She always dreamt of starting fresh, doing things right this time. But every time that thought entered her consciousness, it left her with the pain of how things ended before.

It wasn’t her fault. She only ever wanted to help people, be a symbol of hope and peace. But being a symbol came with responsibilities she simply was not prepared for. But now was not the time to think of dark days. Her heart ached a little every time she thought about the past. For a long time, she believed it was the memories of the dark days that hurt her, but that wasn’t the truth. What hurt her was how much she missed those days when she was the Lady in White or what she called Arora, what hurt her was how she might never be able to put on that costume again, what hurt her was that she was never able to use that silly hero name she created. Each thought pricked at her heart and the pain she felt soon festered into a seething rage.

Anger. Monica always had a strange relationship with it. It is what fuelled her through difficult times, yet it is also what she feared the most. Monica had seen the deep chasm of the abyss. The abyss that cracked her life into two. It was her own anger that had created it, forcing her to spend a year to climb out of. Looking back at it, she was thankful that her anger only hurt her, at least for now.

The rising frustration, however, needed a way out and she could not think of a better way. The idea festered in her brain for a long time, but she never had the opportunity to do it. When she realized that she had a small window to do whatever she wanted, she used her might to push the idea into the back of her mind. However, all it took was one small push and she found herself asking, ‘Why not?’