"I'll never leave before you do."

Nevaeh words echo in my ears as I finally arrive in front of the door to my penthouse. I still remember that her voice cracked when she said that sentence to me -- it was filled with so much sadness.

Carter, my bodyguard who's in charge at the door, stares at me with wide eyes. I don't blame him. I look like a mess. My hair is in disarray, my clothes are crumpled, and I can't hide my exhaustion I'm practically walking up like a zombie.

I'm so fucked up, and I wish that someone could just beat me into a bloody pulp -- hurt me so badly physically -- so that I can't feel this pain in my heart anymore.

I know that once I step into my house, I'll have to face what needs to be done even though it will shatter my heart into a million pieces.

Before Carter can ask me if I'm okay, I open the door. I close it behind me, sigh, and rake my fingers through my hair.

How the fuck am I going to face Nevaeh?

Just thinking about her is already killing me. How am I going to survive when I see her again?

It's almost four in the morning. I assume that everyone else is sleeping. I didn't respond to Ashton and Nevaeh at all when they tried to reach me, so they shouldn't expect me to return at this hour.

The silence I expected is broken as I hear Nevaeh call my name, "Aiden?"

My heart skips a beat, and before I can prepare myself, Nevaeh appears from the corner of the foyer.

She hurries toward me. She looks tired, and worry skates on her face. However, there's relief in her expression from knowing that I'm finally home, and it does something to my heart.

I quickly compose myself. I can't let my feelings for her lead me to another mistake.

The relief on her face is soon replaced by shock when she notices the cut on my lips from Roman's attack. She lets out a small gasp, trying to touch my face.

I automatically snap her hand off, glaring at her. I don't need your sympathy.

She retreats, taken aback by my rude gesture. The look in her eyes tells me that it hurt her, and a curse almost slips from my mouth.

Her pained expression breaks me. I want to pull her into my arms and hold her tight. Tell her that I missed her. Tell her that I need her. Tell her how much I want to be with her.

But I can't. I can't keep being that selfish asshole.

Instead, I turn away, ignoring her when she asks, "Is everything okay?"

She follows me, trying to catch up with my pace. "I tried to contact you a few times, but you didn't answer any of my texts and calls."

I'm thinking hard about the answer I should give her, but once I step into the living room, I lose the ability to speak.

My eyes widen as I scan the decorations around the place. Balloons are hanging from the ceiling, as well as the big letters that read 'Happy Birthday, Aiden.'

My heart is thumping wildly. It's a surprise, one that she prepared for me.

Fuck. I totally forgot about my birthday.

"Ah--" She stops short behind me, noticing that I'm gawking at the surrounding. "Happy birthday." Her voice is slightly shaking, as though she's nervous from not knowing whether I like it or not. "I wanted to surprise you. I thought that you'd be home and that we could celebrate it together. It's your special day," she says, and then quickly adds, "at least, to me, it is."

The lump in my throat is getting bigger and more unbearable. My woman has prepared all of this for me. She still waited for me to come home until this hour and greeted me at the door.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve her kindness anymore. She deserves to choose the person she wants to love, not because she feels like she has to.

"I cooked too," Nevaeh adds, and I want to cover my ears so that I don't have to hear the rest of her sentence. "They might not be as good as Ian's, but I knew your taste and preference, what you liked... and didn't. I hope that..." she falters, sounding shy and even more nervous.

Goddammit I'll eat anything she made for me. We don't even need to wait until breakfast time because there's nothing I'd rather do than celebrate my birthday with her. Just the two of us.

I clench my fists tightly on my sides in an attempt to control my emotions. I'm struggling so hard to not turn around and kiss her hard. Spend every minute with her until dawn. Hold her in my arms while we're going to bed. Treat her right. Love her with all my heart.

Love...

That one word snaps me back into reality. I've always mistaken love. I don't want the past to repeat itself. The line between Nevaeh's guilt and love is so blurred. I don't want to fall into the same darkness again because of my stupid fucking feelings.

Still not uttering any word, I stride to my bedroom. I don't even dare to glance at Nevaeh, because one look at her will make me crumble.

I can't do this. I can't let her be with me anymore.

I face the window in my room, staring at the skyscrapers as I feel Nevaeh moving at my door.

She's still not leaving me despite my obvious ignorance. It will be easier if she just leaves. Every second that passes reminds me that I have to lead her to the farewell I never want to happen.

"Aiden," Nevaeh calls again. Her voice is weaker than before. The vulnerability in it is like glass ready to be shattered at any moment.

She's losing her strength, and it's alarming because she has always tried to be strong for me. She wouldn't have been able to cope with me if she hadn't been strong. I've never been easy to be with because of my past.

"What are you doing here, Nevaeh?" I finally start talking, still focusing my gaze on the window.

Silence falls. She might be wondering what kind of question it was. She must be confused.

But I do mean every word I asked. I want to know why she's here, with me.

"Uh... I..." She stumbles upon her words, not knowing how to answer me. "I was waiting for you to come home, and now that you're finally here, I'm wondering if everything is okay," she says in a small voice.

"No, it wasn't what I was asking," I say. "I meant to ask you what you're doing here, in my house." The words come out harsher than I intended.

I'm angry, but not at her. I'm angry at myself for allowing this situation to happen. I should have known sooner before it was too late for me to not fall for her. Or she should have come clean to me about what happened two years ago so that I would see right through her guilt and not mistake it as something else.

"What do you mean?" Nevaeh's voice is shaking. "Do you not want me to be here anymore?" She goes straight to the point, making my jaw clench.

It's fucking hard for me to have this conversation with her. It's like someone is slicing my heart very slowly, taking time to torture me.

I don't want her to go. How am I supposed to bear the pain of losing her? It won't break me; it will destroy me. My nightmares will haunt me again, and they will be much worse than before.

"I met her again," I say, still facing the other way with my back to her. When she doesn't say anything, I make it clear, "Olivia."

Nevaeh doesn't respond right away, and I give her time to swallow the information.

"I finally decided to see her again because I still had unanswered questions in my head." I shove my hands into my pants pockets. My eyes dart to the city lights filling up Seattle, as if they can distract me from pain. "We talked about some things, including what happened two years ago, on the night of our wedding."

The silence that follows after that sentence is so excruciating I feel like I'm going to be sick. Everything is quiet, and the only thing I can hear is Nevaeh's ragged breathing, as though she's about to have a panic attack.

After a while, she asks, "Did she tell you about..." She can't even finish her question. Her voice is a trembling mess.

"She did," I say. "I never expected that you were there witnessing everything."

A gasp that's close to a whimper echoes, and I can imagine how shocked she is to hear this from me.

"I didn't mean to--" She chokes on her words. "I didn't know what I was doing," she stutters. "I was just trying to help the flower girl, and I stepped into a place where I saw Olivia talking to Roman. I didn't intend to hear everything, and I definitely didn't plan to scare her off--"

"You don't have to explain," I cut her off. Guilt is laced in each of her words, and it's driving me crazy. "It doesn't even matter anymore. Save your guilt for somebody else because I don't need it. I learned a lot during the past 24 hours. Everything is different now."

Nevaeh turns silent again while I muster everything in me to utter the next words that will crush me.

"Why don't you do me a favor, Nevaeh?" I ask. My voice is low and cold, a camouflage to hide that I'm falling apart. "From now on, will you just leave me alone? I don't want you in my life anymore."

It's a terrible lie, one she has to believe. I'm setting her free from the guilt she suffers unreasonably, from her need to fix me and to make me happy just because she feels responsible for what happened in the past when she shouldn't even feel like that in the first place.

"Aiden--" A soft cry finally leaves her lips, and I'm fighting the urge to turn around.

Nevaeh bursts into tears, and the sound of her crying tears my heart into pieces. A single tear drops to my cheek, but I can't let her see me cry. She'll figure out my true feelings and that I didn't mean what I said.

I can't turn around. I can't.

Her sobs fill my room, and I almost can't hold it. It shatters me, fucking shatters me.

Why does she sound so broken, like she doesn't want to leave? Like she truly loves me, not just for the sake of accommodating me?

Why is she crying like I am her everything too?

Why does she have to make everything between us feel so real?

"Aiden," her soft voice calls me again while she's struggling to speak between her sobs. "After knowing everything, do you--" She has to pause to steady her breathing. "Do you really hate me that much?" Her question is a painful whisper.

No, I love you. I fucking love you. I'm in love with you. I love you so much that the fear of believing what's unreal is eating me out alive. I'd rather lose you now than be selfish to you.

Please tell me that I'm wrong. Please tell me that we are real, that you love me as you said, that you're not with me because of your guilt. Please tell me that your heart, your love, belongs to me.

But the reality doesn't happen as I wish. The truth keeps sinking in, making me drown in insecurity and false hope. I can't let it happen again.

"You said that you would never leave before I did it first," I say, keeping my voice firm. "I'm leaving you, Nevaeh."

I'm giving her what she needs, and I should have given her a long time ago.