'd be lying if I said this was my first stint in jail, but I'm sure as shit certain it's my last. I grab my things from the security tray, nodding to the quiet albeit pleasant officer on duty, and head onto the street.

The worst part isn't even jail. Not the food or the people or the strong but apparent stench of sewer. No, the worst part, the part that makes me sick to my core, is that, despite my best efforts, I'm more like my father than I thought.

I flick my hood up, giving my eyes time to adjust to the dark. A little down the road, parked under a flickering streetlamp with the engine still running, is Hayden. I cross the street toward him, practically dragging my feet across the concrete. It's two am, and I'm tired as hell, but something tells me sleep is not on the cards tonight.

The second I get in, Hayden looks over, nods in relief, and maneuvers onto the road. I lean back a little, settling into the old, worn leather. Alyssa must be worried as hell, which is the only thing I can think about.

"Is she all right?" I ask, and I don't need to specify. He knows.

"She's fine," he says, sounding tired. "Just a little worried."

My stomach is in shreds at how familiar this feels. As a kid, I'd wait all night for my dad to come home, not knowing when or if he ever would. I grew up adamant I'd never be that way, and now I'm doing the same thing to Alyssa, all because I couldn't control my temper.

"I didn't think bail was a thing here anymore."

I glance at Hayden and wish that I hadn't. His eyes are sunken, shadowed with purple-like circles. It kills me to have to put him out like this, but he's one of the few people I can count on. "It's not for most things except violence–" I pause and look over, feeling sick with guilt, "–I'll pay you back."

Hayden falls quiet as he makes the next turn. "I didn't post your bail – I couldn't get the money."

I don't say anything. There's no way my mom could afford to post bail, nor any of my friends, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who did. But I don't want confirmation, don't want it to be true, so I don't say a goddamn thing.

"Alyssa pawned some of her jewelry."

My hand slams down on the dashboard in anger. It's the exact kind of thing I'd wanted to avoid, not just the fight, but Alyssa coming to my rescue over bullshit. Hayden glances over, peering at his dashboard for any signs of damage.

"You should have stopped her," I say, 'cause even though it's not him I'm mad at, he's the only one here to take the wrath. "I'd have rather stayed locked up than have her bail me out."

"Hey," Hayden says, sounding defensive, "there was no stopping her. She went to her parents to ask for help, but it didn't go down so well, so she sold some stuff to a pawn shop."

I'm so fucking ashamed that I don't speak for the rest of the way home. The jail thing was bad enough, but now I've put Alyssa in a position where she's forced to sell her last few valuables, which means her parents were right. I'm selfish – I always have been – but I can't be selfish anymore.

Hayden drops me outside my house and tells me to call him if I need anything. I thank him and head inside, praying they're already asleep, but they're both in the kitchen waiting for me.

Mom jumps up as soon as I walk in and throws her arms around me. "My baby," she cries. "I was so worried about you."

The crack in her voice makes my lungs burn. Behind her, Kino sits at the kitchen island, silent, but the disapproval in his eye is clear. Not just disapproval but shock.

While I grew up seeing Mom like this, he didn't. Kino was in his room, fast asleep and non-the-wiser to Dad's late-night antics. By the time he woke the following day, Dad was home, and the world was right again – I made sure of it. Seeing my mother this broken is new for him, but it's not for me.

"I'll make you some tea," she says, and despite nearing three am, she hurries to boil some water. I walk around the island, sliding into one of the seats as she keeps herself busy. Kino sits silently, staring at his knuckles, those dark eyes mulling something over.

"You always tell me to stay out of trouble," he says suddenly, "but the only one who gets into trouble is you."

I don't even argue 'cause he's right, but he's also oblivious. My whole life has been about absorbing the conflict, the trouble, so that he didn't have to. And I don't need a thank you. Hell, I don't even need acknowledgment, but what I sure as hell don't need is his judgment.

"You don't need to start with the guilt trip," I say under my voice. "I feel bad enough." Luckily, the boiling water makes so much noise that Mom is too preoccupied to hear us.

"Do you?" he whispers, "because that wasn't just Alyssa's place of work, it was mine, and now Peter keeps looking at me as if I'm the same as you."

For the longest moment, all I do is stare at him, wondering when he got so grown up. Once upon a time, he was the shy, innocent kid who hid behind me, watching the world over my shoulder. When did he stop needing me?

"Kino," I start, but he shakes his head.

"I'm not mad at you, Max," he says. "I'm just–" he shakes his head as his sentence trails off, but I know what he wants to say: disappointed.

I lean back, taking in the bruise-like shadows under his eyes. He's always had a baby face, but it's slowly shifting into something more delicate and decidedly mature. He's growing up, and the faster he grows, the more he thinks I'm holding him back.

Maybe I am.

"What happened?" Mom asks as she places the cup in front of me. "Please tell me you didn't start it, Max."

It's not the first time she's said that, but part of me hopes it's the last. "I didn't," I say but pause at Kino's hard stare. "Well, I started the fight."

She sighs and focuses on stirring her tea, but really, she doesn't want to look at me. "Protecting Kino?"

"No," Kino says, and I don't have to look at him to know his eyes have narrowed. "He did it because some kids at my school said something he didn't like."

My eyes flit to his. "So you did?"

"No," he says, "but I know better than to commit a crime over a few words. You love to pretend like you're so mature and grownup, and I'm the little brother you have to protect, but you're not mature, Max. You're still acting like a high-schooler, hitting people because they said something you didn't like."

Clearly, this isn't about what happened at the cafe. "Is there something you want to say to me?"

"Boys," Mom warns, but it's too late for that.

"Yeah, I have something to say," he says and rises to his feet. "I'm tired of you treating me like a kid. I'm tired of you acting like the world is this big bad place that I'm not allowed to be a part of. You're not my dad, so I don't need you to baby me."

Anger rises through me as I get to my feet. "You know what? I thought you were smart, but you're an idiot."

He looks taken aback. "What?"

"You heard me," I say. "You think you're hard done by because I'm a little overbearing sometimes? Well, you know what? If that's all you've got to worry about, I did my fucking job."

"Your job is to be my brother," he says, folding his arms, "not my dad."

The mention of Dad is what does it. My body grows cold as I stare at him properly, able to see parts of Dad's face within his. "Yeah, well, we don't have one of those, so we don't have that luxury."

His eyes grow dark as he leans across the table. Whatever he's thinking of saying is cutting, but the sob Mom lets out makes him stop. "I'm going to bed," he says and walks out.

Mom remains silent as she puts away the teacups. I stand at the table, heart pounding with a mixture of fury and shame, and will her to look at me, but she doesn't. "I'm staying with Alyssa tonight," I say, but she still doesn't speak. With a kiss on her cheek, I head upstairs to shower and change.

By the time I'm ready, she's already retreated to her bed, so I slip out to my car and head for the gym. After parking out front, I tiptoe up the steps and into the office, where I pause. Alyssa lies curled on her side under the duvet, a faint silhouette in the dark. Her breathing is soft, her skin an ethereal white under the moonlight, but her eyelids flutter like she's having a nightmare.

I close my eyes, torn between waking her up and letting her rest. In the end, I sit on the edge of the bed for a while, staring at my hands. Despite what Kino thinks, I don't regret trying to protect him. I've done the things I've done out of love. Protected him from heartache he wasn't even aware of, and I didn't do it for gratitude. I don't need some shiny gold star. I just need him to be something – to become someone better than I could ever be.

And I need the same for Alyssa.

❤️