«i know that you're worth it»

die for you

✎

"It's normal to think about people and experiences that shaped our lives and led us to our present selves. While there are always anomalies, for the most part, our past serves as a reminder of where we've been, how far we've come and what we need going forward."

According to an article I read online, it is completely fine to feel nostalgic about a past lover, but it also warned to not romanticize a past love. I feel like I did a pretty horrible job at that. Considering that the only reason I'm reading this article is because I had a delusional dream about Wonbin.

He was outside my window, we talked, and kissed. I woke up with a horrible feeling in my stomach and so much confusion. I would never give him another chance, nor would I become close friends with him.

I looked at the time, "eleven fifty five," whispering to myself as I shifted my attention over to my window. A nervous feeling creeped onto me and I placed my hand over my forehead in frustration, "why didn't I just ignore you?"

There was no one to blame as I put myself into this situation, I could've easily not responded to his message but instead chose to play nice and agreed to meet with him. I panicked as the clock was close to hitting twelve, the time we agreed to meet.

I told myself it was to catch up with him, but deep down I know it's because I miss receiving affection from someone I used to be attracted to. Which is another reason why you should never keep in contact with a past lover, because you'll end up stuck in a terrible situation like me.

Buzz Buzz

I glanced over at my phone and watched the screen light up as I checked my notifications, "I need your help," a message sent from Seojun. Curious, I quickly unlocked my phone and responded, "with what?"

Not even five seconds went by before another text from him immediately popped up, "my sisters birthday is tomorrow and I haven't bought her anything help me please."

Sister? I've never met his sister. He has talked about her though but I haven't seen her at all. How am I suppose to know what she likes if we haven't had one interaction?

"Just buy her girl things," I texted back but my phone once again buzzed and a panicked Seojun sent a few desperate messages, "help me please," "pick something out for her," "you're a girl you know a lot about girl stuff" "help me think of something please"

I giggled at his urgency. How does he not know what his sister likes? And how would I know what she likes? My giggles soon turned into silence as I realized what time it was.

Twelve am.

My eyes shot towards the window and there was nobody out there. I was filled with dread as I just continued staring outside, waiting for him to pop up. Why am I even nervous? I could just ignore him once he arrives it's not like we go to the same school.

My phone began ringing and I couldn't help but freeze at the sound. I reached out slowly for the mobile device and silently prayed for it to not be Wonbin.

Seojun.

My eyes shut in relief as the panic finally left my body. I answered his call and was cut off by an angry Seojun, "why aren't you answering my texts?" he raised his voice slightly.

I raised my eyebrows at his words, "don't yell at me," scolding him on his rude behavior, "why are you calling me at this hour? What do you want?"

"In about fifteen minutes we're going to the store to buy my sister a gift," he informed me, "so be ready."

My eyes widened as I was completely bewildered at the fact Seojun made last minute plans, at a very late time by the way, without even asking if I was available to go.

"Wha-" I attempted to talk my way out of not going but Seojun immediately hung up, causing me to throw my phone on my bed in rage. Who does he think he is? He can't just forcefully invite me to places.

A tap on my window made my anger vanish and I reached a hand out to slide my curtains open but froze immediately once I realized it wasn't Seojun outside.

It hasn't been fifteen minutes.

"Yeeun?" A muffled voice called out my name. I knew it wasn't from Seojun. My brain instantly shut off and I couldn't even move or think properly.

I heard my phone buzzing as a loud banging on the window snapped me back to reality. My hands reached out for my phone and I ignored any message from Wonbin.

My ears blocked out his knocks and yelling as I played loud music to distract myself. A few minutes passed by before it finally turned silent outside. I paused the music and leaned towards the window, listening closely to the sounds of the night.

I heard my phone buzz once again and grabbed it to check the notification. A message from Seojun saying he arrived is what I expected, but instead it was a bunch of insults from Wonbin.

"Who do you think you are?" "You fucking bitch," "it's fucking freezing and I was waiting for you" "you made me look like an idiot," "I wish the worst for you"

My eyes were stuck on the vicious messages and I sat there with the worst feeling in my stomach. This was all my fault. If I hadn't accepted his offer, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be sitting here with this guilt.

I was glued onto my bed as I lost myself in my thoughts, staring off into space while time went on. It wasn't long before another knock on my window helped me regain consciousness, a loud familiar voice following after.

"Yeeun! It's Seojun," tapping his knuckles on once more on the glass screen as I swiftly moved the curtains out of the way and slid open the window.

Seojun had a huge grin on his face, meanwhile I was the complete opposite, "let's go," he gleamed. I was still upset at his last minute plans, which I was being forced to go, and nearly slammed the window shut on his face before he stopped me.

His eyes widened, "what are you doing?" Seojun scoffed before forcing the window fully open, "are you really going to leave me in the cold?"

I glared at him before responding to his idiotic question, "I'm tired and I want to go to sleep," I said through my teeth. However, Seojun didn't take the hint and instead chuckled, "you're helping me."

"You can't force me out of my room," I told him harshly, "and you didn't even ask me if I wanted to go," raising my voice,"you're forcing me!"

Seojun rolled his eyes before taking a deep breath, "well I'm already here so come with me," he demanded, but his voice quickly turned soft, "are you okay?"

Confused, I raised an eyebrow, "what do you mean?" Seojun sucked in his lips before releasing his grip on my window, "you look stressed," he shoved a finger in my face and laughed loudly, "your eye bags are noticeable."

I slapped his hand away and sighed, "go by yourself," my voice muttered, "I'm tired."

Seojun shook his head before swinging a leg over my window. I immediately fell back on my bed as I tried moving away from whatever he was doing, "you know what," he grunted as he finally entered my bedroom, "we should have a talk about your emotions."

I punched him on his chest as he winced in pain, attempting to push him out the window as my heart pounded in fear that my mother might hear all this nonsense, "Seojun get out of room!"

Seojun shoved my hands away and took a few steps back, "well I'm going to stay here since you don't want to come with me," he teased me as he fell flat on my bed.

He spread his arms and legs out while closing his eyes with a smirk. I stared at him for a moment, tightening my fists in annoyance as I worriedly looked back at my door and a pleased Seojun.

"Can you please get off my bed," I muttered to him, but he exhaled deeply through his nostrils and hummed, "I'm tired," he responded in a sneering tone, "maybe I should sleep."

He turned away from me and attempted to cover himself with my blanket but I swiftly pulled it away from him and tugged onto his ear in a very aggressive manner, "I'm not asking you again," I warned him as he winced in pain.

Seojun lifted himself up and muttered, "let me go or I'll wake your mom up."

I released my hold on his ears and glared. He immediately began rubbing the throbbing area of his ear and groaned, "that hurt," shaking his head before speaking once again, "you shouldn't be treating your only friend like this."

Instead of pinching his ear again, I stood there and just stared at him. Seojun somehow didn't notice and went back to closing his eyes, "since you made me come all the way over here," he spoke, "you owe me."

I sighed, "I hate you."

"You me," he shot back. My body froze once he said that word. I knew he was just being playful but something about him telling me that brought back the tingly feeling in my stomach.

I struggled to continue our conversation, "uh-wha-huh?" was all I could say. Seojun shot his eyes open and turned to glanced at me, "Yeeun," he spoke in a low voice, "you have feelings for someone, don't you?"

My eyes widened themselves, "what?"

Seojun gasped as he stood up from my bed, taking small steps towards me as he cackled in my face, "wow," he gleamed, "you fell for Suho, huh?"

"No," I quickly responded, "it's not him," and my mouth shut in regret when I realized I just gave him an open invitation to continue pestering me over this idiotic topic.

Seojun gasped before planting himself back down onto my bed and patting the empty spot next to him, "tell me who he is."

I knew there was no way to end this conversation so I avoided arguing with him any longer and walked over to the other side of the bed, sitting down as my eyes avoided looking at Seojun.

I obviously wasn't going to confess I like him, so being the smart person I am, was going to replace his name with a boy from a different class. But I struggled to even speak for a seconds because it's still my feelings for him. I'm confessing to him indirectly.

I swallowed the anxiousness away and let out everything slowly, "there's this one boy," I started off, "I don't know why I like him, but one day I developed feelings for him despite not knowing him that well," the tension my body had suddenly disappeared and I felt more at ease, "whenever he looks at me I become happy. He doesn't like me though," the volume of my voice lowering itself, "it's just a teenage crush. I'll get over it."

I could feel my lips slowing frowning as I said that last sentence. Although it hurt to say that, it was unfortunately true. Not everyone you like is going to feel the same way, and that's okay. Some move on. But some don't.

"Tell him," Seojun spoke calmly, "he might like you," he turned his head towards me and smiled teasingly, "I think you love him," I smacked his arm playfully and he could only laugh instead of holding onto me as usual, "who is this boy?" he asked me.

This could be the perfect time to confess. Maybe if I wasn't shy, I would have. But deep down I know Seojun doesn't see me as someone he could have a future with. I wish he did though.

I could feel my mouth dry up as my brain was struggling to come up with the perfect lie, "um, a gu-guy from our class but you don't know him I don't think you've ever spoken to him because you're always with your friends you know so no I don't think you'll figure out who so let's move on please," I spoke quickly to end this conversation.

Seojun just stared at me as huge grin formed on his face, "if you like Suho just say it," his eyes trailed over to my ceiling while sighing loudly, "I don't think he's the perfect guy for you though."

"And why is that?" I questioned him. Seojun flickered his eyes back to me and began to flatten his lips with irritation, "he only thinks of himself," he muttered, "I would rather you be with someone who cares about others and isn't stuck up."

I wanted to ask him about the anger he has towards Suho, but he never wants to tell me, so I just moved on from that. Seojun still had some visible anger on his face after a few moments of silence and I couldn't help but worry about all these emotions he's hiding.

"I wish you could tell me about all your problems," I admitted, "sometimes it seems like somethings bothering you and I don't like seeing my friends upset."

Seojun's gaze softened and wave of guilt overtook his face. He appeared to be hesitant to speak, but eventually gave in, "I don't want to trouble you with all my problems," he said nonchalantly, "I would rather keep them to myself."

"It's not healthy to keep things to yourself. We're friends Seojun. You shouldn't be ashamed to tell me about what worries you," I assured him.

"It's none of your business," Seojun snapped, "I mean," he retreated after noticing my surprised facial expression, "you shouldn't be the person hearing my problems. I don't think it's okay for me to be telling you personal things."

I could only nod and didn't make any further comments about this topic. Seojun and I laid there in silence after this tense conversation, but he continued staring at me instead of looking away like I was.

"You should be going after someone who actually does feel the same way," Seojun said.

Suddenly, my brain went back to that time I went over to Suho's house. He said the same exact thing when he brought Seojun up out of nowhere. 'He stared at me with a blank face, "you should be going after someone who actually does feel the same way."'

Ever since that day, I sit and wonder if Suho was right about what he said. Now Seojun is giving me the same advice, but the difference is he doesn't know this person is him.

"The same could be said about you," I responded to him. Seojun's mouth widened as he lifted his head up from my pillow, "she probably feels the same way," defending his delusions, "she always looks at me lovingly."

"At least the girl you like is sweet to you," I spoke sadly, "he barely pays attention to me."

Seojun exhaled loudly and leaned in closer to my face. My heart began thumping as he kept his eyes fixated onto mines, "well maybe you should talk more. Sometimes you just sit there and stay silent all day."

I gulped before turning my head away from him, "you know um-" faking a laugh, "I like keeping to myself."

"Well then stop it," he said, "you gained more friends when you started talking so do that with him."

Seojun seemed like he actually cared about how silent I was. He continued to stare at me instead of giving more lectures on my loneliness. I turned my head back to him and faked a small smile, "I'll do that more then."

He grinned before dropping his head back onto the pillow he was laying on, "I hope we can be friends for a long time."

One day, I want Seojun to replace '' with another word. My feelings for him grow more and more everyday, but his stay the same. My greatest wish is for him to want to be with me. Which will never happen.