Chapter 77: Fear and Faith

Isa wasn’t the type of person to stay shocked for long. Temper aside, she prided herself on being able to roll with the punches and adapt to anything Orchrisus could throw at her. Even so, learning that Quentin was one of the most prolific killers in Orchrisan history shook her. It wasn’t the reveal itself. He’d admitted he was a career killer multiple times, but one that high profile? Quiet, awkward Quentin was one of the most famous people in the country?

And none of them knew. No one except her and probably Razia, who clearly didn’t have a problem with it. What would they say if she told them? Would any of them care? Samantha was almost slavishly devoted to him ever since he opened his fat mouth and set in motion their exodus from the Silk Lounge. Lucy as well, in spite of him failing her and falling in harm’s way twice now. Jenna at least would acknowledge that he was a scary individual, Lynne would probably shrug it off, and who gave a fuck what Kelli thought? It was likely just her who had a problem with it, which begged the question why it mattered so much to her.

It was enough to keep Isa in her room, away from the rest of them and their petty ways of trying to self soothe after the attack. No one wanted to venture out of the Garden for fear of the Warlords being there to grab them. Most of them stuck together, talking and playing games to pass the time but going nowhere. It was enough to drive her crazy. Maybe her strategy of ruminating on it alone wasn’t necessarily healthy, but at least she had her priorities straight.

A knock on her door shook Isa from her looping thoughts. She paused in front of her vanity, brush halfway through her hair. “What?” she bellowed.

The door opened and Lucy peeked in. “Is this a bad time?”

Seeing it was just her, Isa relaxed and resumed brushing her hair. “Not for you. Come in. Shut the door.”

Lucy did just that and came to sit on the bed behind Isa. She said nothing at first, just sat there and watched Isa’s reflection as she brushed for the thousandth time that day. It didn’t take long for Isa’s patience to vanish. “What?” she demanded into the mirror.

“You’re scared,” said Lucy, not breaking eye contact, “aren’t you? You’ve barely come out of your room the past couple of days.”

“I’m not scared,” Isa scoffed. “I just don’t want to be there for Jenna chattering nonstop for hours on end. I’m in here because five more minutes of that and I’ll kill myself.”

Lucy crackled a smile, but didn’t relent. “You’re scared. So am I. We’re all scared. You don’t have to deal with it alone. Even if you don’t want to listen to Jenna and Kelli going back and forth, you don’t have to shut me out.”

“I’m not. I let you come in, didn’t I?”

The young woman shook her head, still smiling. “It’s not the same. You’ve been such a help and an inspiration to me. You’ve made me want to be tougher. Being scared doesn’t make you weak.”

Isa slammed the brush down. She opened her mouth, head full of fire and ready to go off on Lucy. No words came out, only a weak croak. Frowning, Isa turned to face Lucy. “Being scared makes you smart. Gods Luce, this is how many times you’ve been in danger because of their mistakes?” she spat. “You shouldn’t just be afraid to be here, you should be angry!”

Lucy’s smile faltered. “I am angry. I’m scared. I’m a lot of things. When they grabbed me, I had a sword up against my throat. It happened so fast I barely had time to be scared. You know why? Razia traded herself for me the second it happened. She didn’t let it happen. Things haven’t been perfect but I don’t believe either of them would let anything happen to us on purpose. Especially not Mr. Q. I don’t know what you have against him but he’s only ever been good to me.”

Temptation burned Isa from the inside out. Would Lucy still think that if she knew the truth? The words were on her lips, ready to be unleashed. They wanted to come out and she wanted to do as much damage as possible. Once she let it out, there was no taking it back. That made her hesitate. Would Lucy even believe her?

“Look,” said Lucy, sighing. “The rest of us were talking about this while you were in here avoiding Jenna. What we ended up on was a question. Is your life better or worse than it was three months ago? Don’t answer now, just think about it. For all of us, the answer’s been yes. If it hasn’t for you…No one will blame you for leaving after this. I’d miss you, but I’d come see you wherever you end up.” She stood up and headed for the door.

Isa didn’t try to stop her. As far as questions were, it was as loaded as they came. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she didn’t have a good answer. Maybe it would be different if she didn’t know what she knew, but the shadow of Quentin’s past loomed large and she couldn’t see past it. Isa was scared. If not of Quentin then of the dangers he and Razia brought into their lives. Did that win out over the shards she was making, the home she lived in rent-free, and people who could stand her most of the time?

She let out a long, slow breath. Maybe she wouldn’t tell anyone. Maybe Isa would just confront Quentin about it and demand some answers, see what would happen. Lucy may’ve believed he’d never hurt them, but what did she know? A secret like that, who wouldn’t kill to keep it safe? If he did kill her, that would show everyone once and for all she was right. Cold comfort, but comfort just the same.

It was a stupid idea, and the only one she had. Isa stood up and stormed out her door, heart pounding. Then stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Razia was there, speaking. Isa stopped at her door, torn between just leaving and listening. Before she knew it the dusk-girl leaned up against the door, crossing her arms over her chest.

“...and really want to thank you all for your patience. I know things have been troubling, but we’ve got good news,” Razia said, turning to look at all of them in turn. She paused upon seeing the intense, borderline angry expression on Isa’s face and then continued on. “For starters, we’ve made a big deal. As of now, we’re officially working for Mr. Cicero.”

“Wait,” Kelli spoke up, looking confused. “I thought we already were. What’s changing?”

Razia stared her down, just long enough for the girl to wilt. Isa enjoyed her discomfort in spite of her fear and anger. “It was unofficially before. Not much is changing for you all, it’s mostly things Quentin and I have to deal with. You’ll still make the same pay and have all of your perks and benefits.” She licked her lips. “But we’ll be expected to provide entertainment at the get-togethers of some of Cicero’s friends and allies. Not mandatory, and you will be paid a special fee for your troubles.”

“That’s your solution?” Isa scoffed. “We get mixed up with dangerous people and so you turn to other dangerous people and we’re the ones who have to risk our asses?”

“She’s got a point,” said Jenna. “This has been some scary shit. Why are we making it worse?” A murmur of agreement passed through the room. Maybe things weren’t as hopeless as Isa thought.

“Honestly?” Razia shrugged. “Orchrisus is a dangerous place. Not sure you’ll be better off on your own again. We offer the best safety we can, and we’re working on making sure something like the other night never happens again. If you want to leave, no one’s going to stop you or hold it against you. We’re not going to make you do anything against your will.”

Lynne cleared her throat. “I think we all know how much of an improvement that is over the alternative,” she said. “He’s not Darriq.”

“He’s not like Otho either,” said Samantha, to Isa’s complete lack of surprise. It always came back to Otho for her. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Neither am I,” Lucy said, turning towards Isa. “If anyone tries anything on a job, no matter who they are, Mr. Q will break pieces of them off. I’m…I’m not too worried.”

It was Jenna’s turn, and for once she was a badly needed voice of reason. “Well, I am. Things have been good, but good doesn’t matter if it ends with one of us dead.”

“One of us is already dead,” said Isa, struck with inspiration. She made eye contact with Razia and continued. “Did everyone forget about Maria, or Quentin’s little pity party after? Why was that again, Razia? What could Quentin have done to save her again? I forgot.”

In times like these, Razia was adept at hiding her true feelings when she wanted to. Either she didn’t or couldn’t hide her frown. “We both tried bribes and threats to get her free. Nothing worked.”

“And you were there when she died, right?” Isa pressed on. “Watched her be killed by the Butcher. Quentin couldn’t have stopped him somehow?” She arched her brow, smiling. Judging by the way Razia froze, her message was received loud and clear.

“We were there, yes,” she said. “But it was the DeathHawk who killed Maria. Our last minute bribe didn’t work. We almost succeeded, but didn’t. I miss her a lot.”

“We all do,” said Samantha. She then added, “Trish is doing okay with my family. She’s a tough kid and is bouncing back. You couldn’t save Maria, but you’re making sure her daughter is okay.”

“Well,” Kelli interrupted, earning her glares from both Razia and Isa. “I feel safer here than I do out there. I’m not going anywhere.” That meant it was everyone but her and the two men, who weren’t there for this little meeting. They’d find out later, Isa assumed. There were plenty of benefits from living at the Garden, as annoying as it could be to share space with the others. Always being up to date on news was one of them.

So it was down to Isa and what she decided. To her frustration, she was on the fence. The fact that everyone made some good points filled her with bitter resentment. More than anything, she wanted to be able to just say ‘fuck you’ and leave. Truth was, Isa had gotten comfortable. More than comfortable, complacent. For the month they’d been open, things had never been so smooth or easy. Until they weren’t, and she was painfully reminded of every fear and doubt that never went away, only lay dormant.

“Can I talk to you in private?” Isa asked Razia quietly. All eyes were on her and she hated it.

Razia nodded once, then turned back to the group. “Anyone have any questions?” If they did, they kept quiet about it. Razia walked towards Isa, who opened the door and followed her in. Razia turned around, calm but as serious as Isa had ever seen her. “What is it you think you know, Isa?”

Isa looked towards the door, shaking her head. She went to the far side of her room and sat at her vanity again. Razia took the place Lucy had sat just a few minutes before. “I know enough,” she said without any heat. “I know who Quentin is. What he is.”

“Do you?” Razia took a deep breath. “Then say it.”

It wasn’t confronting Quentin himself about it, but it was still a rush, fueled by equal parts fear and excitement. Maybe it was better in Isa’s room, filled with reminders of her culture and heritage. The Ramali were not a fearful people, and above all else they were honest. They didn’t run away from the truth. Even if her hands trembled while she said it. “Quentin’s the Butcher.”

Razia looked down. “He was the Butcher. Not anymore.”

“Please,” Isa scoffed. “Do you think you can just stop being something like that? Do you have any idea how many people he’s killed? If you go around asking them, chances are more often than not people will have known one of his victims. I lost a cousin to him, six years ago. You’re not from around here. You couldn’t possibly know how much of a feared figure he was for ten fucking years. Mothers would warn their children to behave or he’d end them!”

“And are you afraid of him, Isa? After all this time with us? After all he’s done for you. Do you think he’s just a killer and that’s all there is to him?”

That was the hard part. “I don’t…I don’t know,” Isa admitted, feeling like she lost something for it. “I’m having trouble with this. Trouble with reconciling who I know and what he’s done.”

Razia nodded patiently. “I understand. That’s actually how he and I got together. We met one night after an execution, and he walked me back to town. I figured out who he was by then and I teased him about it before we parted. When he came looking for me, it wasn’t to shut me up or beg me to stay silent.” She smiled at the memory. “It was to warn me about men coming after me. I had to get to know him better after that.

“Even with all the hiccups and the loss, it was one of the few decisions in my life I have absolutely no regrets about. What do you have against him, Isa? You’ve had a problem with him right from the start and I’ve never understood it. Is it really because of the Silk Lounge?”

Isa almost laughed. “It was at first,” she admitted. “The Silk Lounge was a shithole. We fucked scum but we were protected. Mostly. I didn’t like having to uproot and start over. How could I not hold it against him when I lost a place that was halfway decent?” There was more to it, but it was complicated, even to Isa. How could she talk about the problem when she didn’t fully understand it herself?

“Wasn’t one of the first things he did when he first joined us saving you from a group of rowdy drunks?”

“...Yes,” Isa said with a sigh. “I was fine. Probably. After that I kept waiting for one of the men to come back and try to take it out on me. You know, like what happened to Lucy. He shows up, causes trouble, you cause trouble, and then things keep heating up and getting violent because of him? I’m…” Lucy’s earlier words haunted her. “I’m scared of him. I’m scared of you too. I’m scared of what you two bring around, but you know what really pisses me off?”

Razia shook her head.

Ramali didn’t run from the truth, no matter how much they wanted to. “It pisses me off that things are better. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and crush us all. Right from the start it seemed too good to be true, and it is. We’re never going to be safe, but every so often I start to believe that things are better for us than they are for others.” Isa clenched and unclenched her hands. “And I wait to see how that’s going to be ruined. No one else seems to think it will happen. They’re too busy living it up and acting like it’s going to be great forever.

“No one else is looking ahead or worrying when they should be. Because it’s never going to end so long as either of you have enemies. Let’s be real, Razia, you will always have enemies.” To her credit, Razia shrugged and nodded. “And now I found out that so will he. That despite the fact that he seems like an awkward, mopey teenager at times he’s killed more people than all of us have fucked, combined. If anyone else figures it out, how safe do you think we’ll all be? If word gets out, it will be like Lucy only a thousand times worse.”

Razia didn’t answer immediately, and Isa was grateful for that. If she had come out with platitudes or empty reassurances, Isa would’ve screamed. As bad as things got, it was good to finally be taken seriously and not just written off as a bitch. Maybe Isa was a bitch, but if she was it was because no one else was willing to be. No one should be above scrutiny, and slavish devotion towards anyone was not only wrong, but dangerous to them all.

“I don’t know how you found out about Quentin,” Razia started slowly, standing up. “And I guess it really doesn’t matter. You’re right. If word gets out, then chances are he’d be a target and we could all very easily be collateral damage. I could say we’re working on it and won’t let it happen, but if you didn’t believe me before, why would you start believing me now? What do you want, Isa?”

The simple question unraveled her. “I don’t know,” said Isa, looking down, wringing her hands in her lap. “I’m not sure if I’m more scared of being right or being wrong about him. I want things to be good -- stay good. I want for us all to be safe, and to prosper and thrive. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know how to stay.” She slumped in her seat.

“Well,” said Razia, “I guess it all comes down to you, then. I’ve made my case, and so has everyone else. At this point you either trust us, or you don’t. I just ask that if you’re going to rat Quentin out, give us some warning. I won’t stop you and neither will he. Before you make any big decisions, maybe just talk to him for a bit. If you want to leave, you can go and we’ll pay you for your silence if we need to.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Isa snapped, grateful for the ember of anger that kept her from collapsing. Anger was easier. “I don’t want or need hush money. Maybe I will talk to him,” she conceded. “I’m not promising anything though.”

“Of course. If there’s nothing else?” Isa shook her head. Razia nodded to her and exited, leaving Isa alone with her thoughts.

Nothing added up anymore. Things may have been worse before, but they were simpler. Sitting there alone in her room, Isa couldn’t remember a time when she’d felt less certain about anything. There were no easy solutions, no last puzzle pieces that clicked into place and made sense. All she had were more questions, and an uncomfortable amount of them pointed inwards.

Isa got up and flopped onto her big, plush, comfortable bed, groaning. She looked up at the expensive wall hangings and tapestries, at the nice rug and decent sized room she shared with no one. Every step of the way she’d complained and questioned everything, and yet here she was living in relative luxury compared to most of the city. That confused her more than anything else. More than ever, she toyed with the idea that she was wrong about everything, but if all her fears and worries were misplaced…what did that mean? Who was she?