The silvery rays of the moon , filtered through the dark night clouds , fall on the water of Ganges ; making it glisten like a river of diamonds , all the while illuminating the serene Ganga ghats. This reminds me of those beautiful paintings hung on the walls of art gallery. I used to think something this serene and scenic was only possible on canvas but I was wrong ...

Wrong? Am I not always wrong?Whenever I hope everything to be fine , it crumbles to dust. Just like today , I thought I would finally be at peace in Kashi ... but..

Peace and me... Together? A big No!!

When have I , happiness and peace walked together? Certainly not as far as I can remember. Tears blur my vision. My throat is parched from crying but it still feels as if I haven't cried enough..... I should by now be immune to this never-ending pain, this guilt of ruining their happiness and regret for not being able to help but being the shameless creature I'm ...I don't feel anything... Numb.. complete numbness to everything is what I feel now.... But this numbness is shattered by painful tiny spark of hope that is still trying to make everything okay...

"Hope that hurts yet hopes to be healed"

Innumerable questions and not a single answer .... Will this ever end?

Y? Y me? Y do I always end up hurting the people I love? How come whatever I do ... always comes out to be wrong.... I always end up hurting people and ruining their lives... I don't intend to but I do it. I .. I..just wanted everyone to be happy then... how I ruined everything??? Y?

I guess the priest & minister is right... I.. I have jinxed Kashi and ..may be everyone dear to me.. Yug changed but not me.... How am I so delusional to believe something good would come from me? All I cause is trouble, chaos and unrest ...

But I didn't want to.. I really didn't... Unshed tears blur my vision, burning my eyes.. no matter how hard I try to check them... They find their way ...

Helplessness, fatigue, pain, despair, is all I feel... I want to cry, cry this loud that even the desolate Shiv's heart melts... I want to share this pain but ...none deserves my share of suffering. Nor do I want to share it.. My mind says 'no' as this is the only thing that has kept me together for years... only thing that solely belongs to me...this pain..

" Pain burns me every moment but it is the flame that edges the sword of the legend. "

It's this pain that I want to give up on , at the same time I am afraid to. This heart..this treacherous heart earns for someone to hear, help & heal. & That is where the pain intensifies and hope gets crushed. People would pity , judge and advice but never understand nor care for how u feel, what u want. Someone who cares for you genuinely would get hurt by your pain so what's the point of hurting someone dear just to escape pain of urs!!?

I don't know for how long I have cried.. The reflection in water shows a clueless, helpless girl with tear stricken face and pain-filled eyes... Eyes that are devoid of life and full of tears...

To escape looking at her, I look above at the never ending, vast stretch of darkness, darkness that shrouds & destroys everything in its way. Although the moon eradicates it but is still alone, aloof and cold. In case of loneliness, I relate to it!!

Thousands of stars in sky but yet the moon is alone.

Events of today flashed before my eyes...

The return to Kashi with Karn was pleasant but then... overhearing some of the ministers..

(Flashback begins)

I am so excited after a long time we will be hosting a marriage function that too for Crown prince Shaktiraj's marraige!! The better the kingdom the better would be its resources and better will be our alliance.

Senapati: That doesn't matter as we are sufficient in terms of finance, warfare, agriculture, education and mineral resources...

Minister 2: Really?? So it's true that the Crown Prince is throwing away his life for that bratty princess?? That woman is nothing but trouble...

Minister 3: Mind ur tongue!!! The Princess might be a bit sharp tongued but is a good leader and ruler and a noble woman... So be in limits

Ex-Royal priest: He isn't saying anything wrong.. I have cross-checked her stars... She is ruination, destruction and annihilation personified... Wherever she will go she will leave a stretch of chaos and blood behind... She is a jinx.. The day she entered Kashi everything started going downhill...

: Obviously it started going downhill for u royal priest... Afterall none believed ur bluff anymore...

Lousy minister: I agree .. see the entire Kashi has become so much chaotic after her arrival. Then this Meghdutt and now I hear proposal for her marriage are coming from very powerful kingdoms... I'm afraid of what turning them down would do to Kashi ...

Minister 1:When have you started to think about Kashi?

Royal priest : U don't get it today it's Shaktiraj who has become sacrificial lamb to protect her, tomorrow it would be Vallandhara then that Suruchi but then who? U , ur family, ur children!! Or the honour of other women? U know if other kings attack Kashi, what will happen with the women? Shiv!! Shiv !!Shiv!!

Is it worth to fight a war, endanger all women and people to protect one woman? I propose it's better to give her up to Meghdutt or some other king ... Whatever he does to her is his issue

Minister 3: U are brahman , u won't understand the pride of Kshatriyas and their protectiveness for the women they adore. U want to give up the pride of Kashi to save ur head?? U want to give away Devi Ananya, the daughter of Maharani Amba, the boon of her penance.

Lousy minister: Boon of her penance?? Hahahaha!! I would rather put it as her sin...

Swords were instantly drawn and placed at his throat...

Shaktiraj: Enough!!!! I had been tolerating you both because I didn't get any proofs against you but now.....

Not only have u disrespected the ruling queen but also tried to start a coup against the Kingdom.... Soldiers arrest them!!!

Lousy minister: U can't arrest us for stating the truth ...

Ex-Royal priest: U don't dare arrest & disrespect a Brahman of my status...

Shaktiraj: Last time I checked, Kashi had overthrown caste system and as crown prince, I can punish u.. moreover I have witnesses too... Am I right?

The ministers nodded...

(Flashback ends)

They are right...They might hate me and wish me death but they stated the obvious. It's injustice and unfair to endanger everyone to save me...

Many kings are after me... Even if I manage to defeat Meghdutt the threat from other kingdoms would still remain... What should I do? How will I be able to save everyone?

Bhai Shakti is ready to throw away his expectations from marriage to protect me... Vallabhraj ji is doing his best to get friendship allainces to benefit us in case of war... Senapati ji is incredulously training the army... Mata is overstressing herself for me & .. Karn... He isn't leaving me alone for a long time... From the day of attack, till now he has made sure somebody is always by my side... He has also appointed Shaiva bodyguards to protect me from the shadows...

Not to forget he has also considered the option of getting married to me in order to ensure my protection.

Bhrata Shaktiraj and he deserve the best of Life partners who would love and adore them , who would fill their lives with colours.

Karn especially , he requires someone who would understand him without saying...who would be able to get him out of his shell, make him smile and live life to the fullest & also the one who would be able to walk & work with him and protect him from people who are ready to use him...& That's not me... I would be nothing more than a burden to him , a person who would just add up to his problems...just like I have been to everyone till date....

I have taken away Mata's peaceful hermit life and thrown her in centre of chaotic politics and today her character was questioned because of me.... She loved , cared , protected and supported me unconditionally, even more than my own mother but what I gave her.. humiliation and problems....

Suru, she cared for me like her own sister and I... I brought her here...where everyday she has to face problems...

Bhai Shakti.. He has helped me in every step, stood by me in all situations, protected me treated & loved me much more than his own sister but in return he only got troubles and now a marriage of convenience...

Dhara...she has always made sure that smile never leaves my face , the bubbly sweet princess and naughty little sister & I have endangered her future in return..

Vallabhraj ji and Anandmayi ji have treated , cared, and protected me as their own yet have suffered because of me...

Mahendragiri was so peaceful but my suggestion has put stress on Mata Dharini and Bhagwan Parshuram...

All I wanted was equality and justice for everyone...then how come I ruined so many lives? Harmed so many people and didn't even realise it? & Then I complain about people living me midway...what are they supposed to do ? Stay with a jinx like me? Hell no.... None deserves to live with someone like me who is so delusional about herself...

So many people are worried because of me...so many are in danger & what am I doing? Nothing...

I think I should leave... I should leave before I hurt them gravely...

'as if u already haven't hurt them enough' mocks my conscience...

In childhood when my family kept me locked in the four walls, I used to look and envision the world from windows..alone..aloof... I always convinced myself that they're overprotective about me but now.... Now I realise they were trying to protect everyone from me...

Pain in the form of tears clouds my eyes, my heart bleeds & my mind goes foggy. Numbness spreads in my soul... I feel the someone calling me... Initially I ignore it but then it becomes impossible... I feel like the water of the Ganges is calling me... I doubt whether the holy mother Ganga would be able to wash away my sins ... Unwilling and confused but somehow I respond to the pull, the pull that seems to hypnotize me... I followed the call...

Deeper deeper and deeper I go ,

till my heart and mind can realise no more ,

the cold water doesn't soothe my burning soul , the never-ending pain seemingly takes a toll.

I plunge in , to get submerged. Submerged till I forgo this ache, & come out stronger for everyone's sake.

The motive is not to kill but to heal.

Heal and glue the broken pieces together, understand the thoughts that have gathered.

It's hard to breathe but my mind seems in a sheath

I try to make my limbs move , but what's holding me back is stronger it proves.

The motive is not to kill but to heal.

I repeat again , to eradicate this burning pain.

Heal so as not to fall in this dark abyss and enjoy life's bliss...

I don't want to respond to the call , but something makes me fall ....

The darkness finds this moment perfect, to cast its spell, blurry my senses go...

In the moment of fading consciousness, I feel a touch as pure as snow...

The darkness around intensifies but at the end of the tunnel is a light , to reach it I will have to fight...

Looking at the moon hidden behind the dark clouds only intensifies my worries about her... Where would she be? There's hardly any place left to search for her.... Karn & Shakti have been searching for her from afternoon... I hope they get her soon. I understand how chaotic everything is for her. I know she must be blaming herself for this but she has to understand that nothing is about her here.

Years ago my father had given me up to withhold his false pride and I in my anger cursed Kashi to suffer like I did. I never knew that my words spoken in anger would someday become true... Maybe that's why it's advised ..

"Never speak when in anger, nor make promises when happy. "

I know what I had to go through after getting abandoned by my own people... The humiliation and pain still fresh in my mind.. I don't want Ananya to suffer the same. I don't want to give her away to some powerful King only to protect Kashi. She is my daughter, my boon , the fruit of my hard penance... I can't just do that to her... I know she is feeling guilty & it's because the mindset we are raised in...

"A woman would start feeling guilty even for the silliest thing of taking a break."

Moreover, every woman has the right to choose her husband.. A man who would respect, support and understand her. Karn just fits the criteria. Is it wrong of me to want the best for my child? If yes... Then I am proud to be wrong. A mother can be selfish for her child's welfare. And my selfish wish of having Karn as my son-in-law is not harming anyone. I don't understand why Ananya thinks she is a burden on us and would become one for Karn!! I don't know what her past is but I know her self depricating thoughts are because of it only....

She smiles so much that her pain shrouds in it...

"None knows how many tears are hidden behind a smile"

I know she doesn't realise but she cares for Karn deeply. She is highly protective of him. I won't say she loves him because love is a big word but she cares , respects , understands & supports him. The way she thinks about him is not friendship only. And even from Karn's side there's more than friendship. Y won't would they just agree and get married? Isn't friendship and mutual respect enough for a relationship to thrive to love?

Even Shakti understands this... That's why he has agreed for marriage of convenience. And no it's not to protect Ananya or increase Kashi's security... Proposals for Shaktiraj has been coming in for a long time , even before he left for Bhagwan Parshuram's ashram... It's just Bhabhishree Anandmayi has become more persistent and restless to have a dil... That's why Shaktiraj is even considering getting married.. By now he has rejected 23 Princesses already... I don't know what he is searching for but I know whoever he chooses will be best for him and Kashi...

I

think after his marriage I will give up the throne and live a simple life again...

But before that I will make sure Ananya is married to Karn... & Mahadev and Devi Shakti will have to help me accomplish it..

Kashi has never felt this big or crowded before. I have checked all the possible places for her but still haven't found her ... Maybe because I don't want to find her right now. I know she is angry , hurt and feels cheated by me... She has the right to feel so .... I withhold information about Devi Amba's proposal from her... & I know that she would prefer to be alone now...

But I am worried for her... I have an inkling that she would be near a water body... A place that's serene and peaceful... I have checked our spot, some nearby lakes and waterfalls and also majority of Ganga ghats... The only place..apt is ... The desolate Ganga ghats near the old temple... Hmm... Serene, scenic , peaceful... That's where she would be...but... Should I visit her?

Well..umm.. there's no other option.

While moving towards the place , a sudden feeling of anxiety grips me.... It feels as if someone close to me is in trouble..but...

I close my eyes and calm myself only for the feeling to intensify...Not being able to control anymore.. I rush ..rush towards the place... Not caring for anything else... Mahadev!! Just make sure she is safe. But hopes are hopes meant to be crushed...

The sight before me gets my heart in throat... Without wasting any moment I jump in to save her..

Worry , anger and fear take over me. How dare she drown herself?? I take her by the waist and swim up to the ghats... Her body has nearly turned blue indicating lack of oxygen... I check her pulse and exert pressure on her stomach to flush out water in her systems. I cover her with my angavastra, and immediately massage her foot and palms.I tap her face in order to wake her up but to no avail... Suddenly something strikes me.... lack of oxygen...there are some plants but I won't be able to find them now.... Then CPR? But.. umm...it would be wrong to... GTH ... CPR it is ....

It's needed to save her... It's not like I'm kissing...

'well atleast u have to agree ur a pecking her lips' says my alterego at the most 'appropriate' time ..

Although doubtful I lean down and gently part her lips ... It's completely for medical purposes... it's a medical necessity.... The touch of her lips sent shivers down me ... But I concentrated on the issue at hand and by Mahadev's grace with a deep inhalation , she opened her eyes...

Karn!! (Hoarse voice) *coughing*

I immediately hug her , tightly...Her nearly limp and weak body made me more protective and angry...It is now that I realise how scared I have been...

Karn: How dare you? (Yelling) How dare you think to drown yourself? Have u lost it completely? Did u for once think about anyone ? About Devi Amba, Shakti, Suru Dhara , Vallabhraj ji, about me? About anyone in this world?

No .. a big no ... Y would you? We are puppets for u ...play with our feelings then toss us away!!! Have u for once thought what would happen if something happens to you? How will everyone live? How will I live?? How could you? How ?? Why?? Why did you do it? Answer me you dimwit y?? (Roaring)

My anger has taken control of me and I don't care.. I have always been soft and understanding towards her but this is outrageous... How dare she think she can leave everything and everyone? How dare she think to leave me? I know I shouldn't but .... I see tears falling from her eyes and realisation dawns on me... Mahadev!!! She has just come out from a life threatening situation and I....

Calm down...Karn.. calm down...

am sorry... I .. I..shouldn't have shouted at you..but... I was.. I was scared okay!! I was scared to lose you... I have already lost someone dear to me... I can't lose you.. I just....

Not being able to express myself, I sat down next to her. We sat in complete silence & I avoided looking at her. I am still angry ...so its necessary to avoid her all the more. I don't know what happens to me around her... Anger is a ripu which I had controlled long back yet whenever something concerns her , I lose control of it. I don't know but she makes me more....human. I feel her raising her arms and wrapping it around my neck. Her touch relieves my stress and placates my anger. Her soft warm hands have turned cold and wrinkly ...she puts her head on my shoulder and...

(hoarse whispering voice) I am sorry...I didn't..intend to drown myself *cough*... I... I..*cough*

With my left around her waist, right below her knees, I shift her to my lap... I wrap both my arms around her... Her head rests on my shoulder and hands on my back... Having her in my arms, pleasantly warms me... A warm comfortable silence engulfs us...