tw; crying, anxiety attacks, violent language

"I swear, I- I heard him call out for me." I say, looking at my friends who don't seem too convinced.

"Y/n-" Theodore starts but I stop him.

"No. I'm not mad. I'm not. I swear- I heard him." I look at them. "You guys don't believe me." I scoff.

"We do y/n." Draco says.

I walk away, inhaling in deeply.

"Y/n, come back, we do believe you!" Pansy yells.

I leave the great hall, walking to the lavatory.

I go to the first sink I can reach. Staring at the mirror.

"One, two, three." I count, trying to calm down.

But I can only feel anger. Anger filling me. Coursing through my veins and devouring me in its dark evilness.

I punch the mirror, cursing under my breath when it breaks. I wince, clenching my hand as blood drops down from it.

"Fuck." I mumble, shutting my eyes as I let my hand sit under the running water.

"Are you okay?" Someone asks, I open my eyes, looking at the shattered mirror, seeing her reflection.

A blonde girl stands at the door way. She walks in, smiling lightly.

I turn the sink off, wiping my hand and shoving it in my pocket.

"Yeah. Fine."

The girl looks at the mirror. I swallow. Looking down.

"You're Y/n, right?" She asks.

"Yeah."

"I'm Nikki." She says. I nod, biting my bottom lip.

"Nice to meet you Nikki."

She smiles. "Yeah... Mattheo is your boyfriend, isn't he?" She asks, dragging out her words and ending them with Uh's.

"Yes." I say firmly. "Why?"

"Oh, nothing." She smiles.

I raise my brows, walking away without saying anything else.

I go to the library, finding a seat where no body is.

Grabbing a couple books as I sit down, I realize something. I had said Mattheo was my boyfriend.

Though I broke up with him, I can't even say that he isn't my boyfriend. And maybe, I don't want to say he isn't my boyfriend.

But, there is just so much pain. So much. I don't think I have any more room for more pain that I most likely will cause. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt him.

And though he's still alive, just out there somewhere. I can't help but feel like he's dead.

Losing someone who's still alive, is the worst thing one can grieve. Because even though you know their out there, breathing. You can't help but feel like they've disappeared.

Just vanished. Through thin air.

One second he was there, and the next, he was gone.

Ever since I fell in love with him, I've had that tiny voice in my head whispering that I'll ruin this, I'll ruin him, or something will ruin us.

I tried so hard not to listen. I tried.

But it was right.

I ruined us. I ruined him. And now, he's paying the price. It's all my fault.

If I had just found a way to make him not come, or Hermione and Ron. Then they all would've been fine. I could've asked Dumbledore to go on my own. I would've been fine on my own.

But I was selfish.

I wanted them to come because I was afraid.

I was afraid of being alone. And yet, I'm still alone. Maybe more alone then ever.

Mattheo was the only cure for my loneliness. The only person who truly knew me. The only person who does know me. Who doesn't hate me.

He's never judged me. He's always been there.

And now he isn't.

I need him. I need him here, with me.

I can't help but feel guilty. He's out there either getting tortured or locked away somewhere dark and cold and empty, where he can't see anything, can't move or feel and is so scared. I know he wouldn't say If he were scared but I know. I know.

All those things I said to him.

He probably thinks I never want to see him again.

I've never felt more guilty then ever.

Suddenly the room feels so small. So small.

It feels as though there's no oxygen, and I can't breathe or, or hear.

I can't move. Why can't I move.

Someone grabs me from behind. Breathing on my neck, whispering things like "you're okay. Calm down, y/n."

He sounds so much like Mattheo. And for a second, I truly believe it's him.

I shut my eyes, allowing them to comfort me. Allowing them to hug me until all the pain has left my body. But it never does. It never leaves. It only grows more wilder, more angry, more hungry.

I pull away. Sucking in a deep breath as I turn around to see their face. But, no one's there.

No one.

* * *

"Oi, Slytherin!" Someone shouts, I turn around, looking for them.

Thomas Riddle.

He jogs up to me, sweaty and red.

I clear my throat, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"Where's my brother?" He asks.

I furrow my brows, taking one hand out of my pocket and rubbing my nose.

"Dunno." I mumble. I know I shouldn't tell him, because Mattheo wouldn't. Even though he is his brother, Mattheo doesn't trust him. Which means I don't trust him.

He takes a step forward. "Alright... Well, if you see him around, tell me." He turns around but stops. "Oh, and, we have a meeting."

I gulp. "W-When?"

"Tonight."

"Tonight?"

He nods, walking away.

I bite my bottom lip, not acknowledging the metallic taste from it.

A meeting. Tonight.

I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can face him. The monster who ruined my whole life.

But I know I have to.

I need to tell The order of the Phoenix.

* * *

"So, you're actually going to go?" Harry asks. Sitting down on a couch.

I look around, wondering if anyone's in here.

"No one comes in here, Y/n. It's the prefects common room."

I nod, sighing.

"I have to."

"You need to tell Sirius." He says.

"I know."

"Here." He says, standing up and going to the fire place.

He crouches down, mumbling a few things and using a powder. After a minute, a face appears. Going up through the fire and inhaling in deeply, little parts of ashes fly up and fall back down, hitting their face.

Harry smiles brightly. "Sirius." He says, smiling, he tilts his head, his gaze landing on me.

"What has happened?" Sirius asks. I stand up, walking over to the fire and sitting next to Harry.

"There is a meeting tonight." I say. Biting my bottom lip.

"Oh." He mumbles. "They want you to go?" I nod.

"Do you think they want to give her the mark?" Harry asks. Sirius inhales in deeply.

"It's unlikely... Y/n, you have nothing to worry about. Everything will be okay. I know you can protect yourself. But you have to go."

I nod. "I know... But what if they ask about Mattheo?"

"You say you don't know where he is. Say the last time you saw him, he said he wanted to go on vacation or something."

I swallow. "What if they think I'm lying?"

"Then prove them wrong."

I suck in a breath, smiling gently. "Okay." I say.

Something behind Sirius breaks. "Shit!" Someone yells. "Remus, bloody hell! What'd you break?"

Me and Harry look at one another, smiling.

"Nothing Sirius!" Remus yells.

I giggle, placing my hand over my mouth when he turns back around.

"Well... I have to go... I want you two to stick together. A team is better then being solo." He says, looking directly at me.

I swallow hard.

Harry nods. His smile vanishing once Sirius disappears.

"What are you going to do?" Harry asks. Still looking at the fire place as if Sirius would return once again.

"Go to the meeting." I say, sucking in a breath. He purses his lips, standing up from his crouch.

I sigh. "H-How are you?" I ask him. He stares at the floor, his face blank. My heart aches for him, I understand his pain. I see it. I feel it. Even if he tries hiding it, I can see it.

"I'm fine, I- some people, not the people who took Mione and Ron, they- they had me. Dumbledore got me out, I don't know how" He says, his shoulders loosening. I bite down on the inside of my cheek, nodding. "You?" He asks. And now I wish he didn't.

"I'm okay." I lie.

He blinks.

We both stay silent. And though we aren't saying it to one another, we both know. And it's an understanding we share that makes me feel more comfortable.

He puffs out a breath.

"You're not okay, y/n" he says. "I know you aren't... You- You don't look okay. You've lost so much weight and- your hair is thinner, you're paler than before, you don't have energy," he clears his throat "and... that life that was once in your eyes, it's- it's gone."

I blink, pushing down my tears as I rub my nose. I clear my throat. "Uh" a breath releases from my lungs and that's when he looks up.

"You're not okay." He says. "I know you aren't."

My bottom lip begins to tremble, I have to bite it, hard.

He steps forward. "Is it because of Voldemort? Because this began long before Mattheo was taken."

I furrow my brows. "I- I don't know."

"You've become quiet. Y/n, you're not the same, you're different."

I have to resist the urge to cry when I see his face. He looks up, looks me in the eye.

"What's been happening?" He asks. I swallow.

"Nothing, Harry I'm- I'm fine." I smile.

"You're not." He exhales. "What ever it is, it's killing you. I see it. Sirius sees it. And I think Mattheo saw it."

I stumble back. Inhaling in deeply.

"Y/n, speak to me."

"I- I'm fine."

"You're not!" He yells. "Okay!" He quiets down "You're not. And I'm tired of hearing everyone say you're fine, that you're strong and can handle whatever this is. I'm tired of hearing you say you're okay when your aren't."

"You asked around if I was okay?" I ask, anger beginning to flood me from head to toe.

"I needed to." He says. "And now I know. You aren't okay, Y/n. This year you- you haven't been okay."

Something in me rings, alarms or- or a warning my body is trying to give me but it's triggering me and I- "I've never been okay!" I yell. My eyes widen, realising.

He looks at me in shock.

I break. "I've never been okay." I whisper. "Why can't anyone see?" Tears begin to fall down my face and I can't help but feel embarrassed.

"No one cares." I laugh, still crying. "You all only started worrying when I got angry and reckless!" I throw my hands up, releasing an exasperated breath.

"No one ever gave a shit about me." Harry steps forward. "That's not true."

"It is. You know it is. No one's ever batted an eye in my direction. Not when my father was abusing me, not when my mother died or when my whole world fell apart! No one's given a shit, so why should I be the one to say if I'm not okay or not! Why should I have to open up to you?" He stares at me, still in shock.

"Well, I don't care for it anyway. I don't care if people care about me or not. I don't care for your worrying, I don't want your pity, I don't want anything from you." I say coldly, turning around to walk away.

I stop.

"Your pity means nothing to me." I say, not turning to face him, because I know, I won't be able to look him in the eye, I won't be able to not feel guilty if I see his face.

He clears his throat to say something but I leave, slamming the door shut behind me.

I look around the corridor, exhaling out every last bit of oxygen in my lungs before collapsing to my knees.

Something takes over me. A wave. It drowns me under the water, it pushes me back and forth, suffocates me.

I can't breathe.

I feel as though wind is pushing me back and bullets are coming forth at me, hitting me in the leg, the arm, the stomach, the heart. Tasers, electrocuting me. It feels like a heavy furniture has been placed on me and more and more people keep on sitting on it, weighing me down.

And maybe those people are my problems, my worries, my enemies, my darkness.

I don't even notice I'm crying until I see the pool of tears below me.

Everything is so fast around me. I can feel everything. Every strand of hair, every bit of air touching my skin, every bruise and cut and scar.

I feel as though my nerves have been cut out of me and tapped on the outside of my body.

Everything is so fast.

Everything is so much. This is so much and I don't think I can take it.

I scream loudly. It's almost dramatic. It's a long scream, a deafening one with cracks and little sobs. It makes me feel embarrassed.

I hover over the floor, my hands holding me up. My breathing everywhere, uneven pants, quiet whispers of counting to calm me down. But it's not working. And I don't know why. I don't know anything. Everything has been a lie. My whole life has been a lie.

Everyone is keeping secrets from me.

No one is telling me anything.

Half of the people I love are dead.

Mums dead.

Rebecca, and Nicholas, and I don't even know if Hermione or Ron are still alive.

I've hurt and killed so many men, so many women.

I betrayed my own father, my own blood.

I scare Marie. I scare the person, who is most likely, the only person who can truly help me.

I found a way to get Mattheo hurt.

Mattheo's gone, he's out there, he's hurting. I know he is. And I can't do anything about it.

I can't help him. I can't fix this. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe.

I put my hand to my chest, trying to breathe in slowly but the oxygen won't enter my lungs.

I breathe out, sobbing quietly.

Someone holds me.

They hold me tightly.

Hugging me, I think.

"It's alright." They mumble.

I turn around, Draco.

He's hugging me tightly. I look at Harry, who's standing behind him.

My eyes shut, allowing him to hug me.

I cry into his shoulder, gasping in breaths. I try to stop but I can't.

My muffled cries make me cringe, makes me angry and embarrassed.

He strokes my hair. "It's okay, Y/n" he whispers.

"You're okay."