I am looking to have this story edited. I'm thinking I need content and development editing to make this narrative flow better. I will probably end up expanding the story through editing and rereleasing next year.

I am also considering writing it in past tense. Present tense is a nasty habit of mine and I think from the comments I've received people would rather read the story if it was in past tense.

If anyone wants to look at the full version and give editing suggestions all in one document that would make things easier for me. Here is the master document.